AIBU to not want to help at the party?

[GrandmaSharkdodo]

So, a friend of mine(let's call her Louise) has a garden with a pool and also has a DD who is 8. She is a lovely friend and we get on well. My DD is 2 and plays a lot with her's. I received a text from Louise asking us to a pool party in a few weeks. Great. I ask what I can bring, and she goes on to tell me that really the party is for her DD and five friends from school, and in reality she is worried about having so many children at the pool as her DH won't be around, so she wants another adult there to help. To be honest if there are more older kids going I know my DD won't be herself as she is shy and I worry enough about her at the pool to really be able to help out with strangers' kids as well.
So, AIBU to sit out the party, but leave my friend without help? Or should I be kind and lend her a hand, even though I don't even know these children?
Yes, YABU. You should help.a.friend in a tricky spot.
No, YANBU. Friend needs to be responsible for her own party planning.

tell her to tell their mums to stay!

For a friend I'd help if there was an alternative for 2 year old, but if not I'd make clear that supervising a toddler near/in water would mean you're not comfortable or happy with being responsible for more children.

Asking a friend for help with the supervision at the party, absolutely fine. Refusing because you need to keep an eye on your toddler, again - absolutely understandable.

Yep I definitely wouldn't be able to help whilst watching my DS (2), and for his safety I wouldnt even try

No, with a 2 year old and a pool you’re 100% tied up watching her. It’s pointless you being there (unless you wanted to for social reasons)

I can see why she asked, she does need other adults there. And she’d probably prefer you since you’re friends. But she has to find someone else. It’s totally reasonable for you to say no.

Thanks again for the replies. I will ask my DH if he can have the little one and I will go round and help.

She needs to ask 1 or 2 of the other parents to stay.

@Bluntness100, normally I would agree. But I think it's the fact that it's not my house, I don't know any of the other children and my DD loves the pool but doesn't know how to be safe in it that worry me.

@GrandmaSharkdodo

Thanks again for the replies. I will ask my DH if he can have the little one and I will go round and help.

Aww, you're a really good friend!

@StringersBell they actually play quite well together. My DD is quite mature and plays more like a 3/4 year old and Louise's DD has some mild learning difficulties and although often prefers more big girl games, will play with the little one for a while. They tell people they are sisters! It's very sweet actually.

@Ahwelltoobad thanks, I try. Haha
But to be fair she has been a good friend to me and has always been very generous and invites us to hers a lot.

That's a good solution, OP. Tiny children are not safe around water and require your entire attention. How would your friend feel if she called you away to pour drinks and something happened to your little one?

Please only go if you have alternative care away from the pool for your child. Children drown silently and quickly and often unnoticed. Not worth the risk. The child I rescued from drowning was going under completely unnoticed (except by me) in a big, splashy, shouty crowd of kids. She wasn't my child, I just happened to spot her.

@GrandmaSharkdodo

Thanks for the responses. My reaction was to not go as I worry enough about my DD near the water. But then I felt bad for my friend as she's quite stressed out.

She brought it on herself.

She could have said to you that she was thinking about having a party and needed some help supervising so would you be up for that? Then decided to have the party or not based on whether she could find anyone to help.

But she didn't. She tried to trap you by inviting you as a guest, then making you feel obligated to help after you'd agreed to attend. Under those circumstances I'd give zero fucks how stressed she is.

Where's her DH anyway? Did she perhaps expect him to be around for this party but he's bailed because childcare is "women's work" and he'd prefer to be doing something else? The state of her marriage is not your problem though.

I'd help, even with the 2y/o in tow. She just needs another pair of eyes so that there's always someone watching the kids if she needs to turn his back to the pool for a minute. Although if it was me I would have asked one of the other parents to stay.

Tell her you'll come and supervise if you can get someone to look after your dc.
If you don't want to do it, say you can't find anyone to look after her.
And if you do want to help her end can find alternative childcare for a couple of hours, you're being the best friend ever.

You are a better friend than I am. I would do anything to help anyone but an invite with a follow up that I was actually only invited to help would not go down well with me. More importantly though you are also a better friend than she is as she has put you in the very awkward position because she was not upfront with you. Want him out for people like this; they tend to just be takers.

Watch out

Definitely not with your DD there - you can't supervise other people's children if you have a toddler to watch.

Has your friend tried the parents of the friends? DD went to a party where the mum put out an email asking if another parent would be willing to come, and someone happily volunteered. They'd also be likely to know the other children, so be better able to intervene if necessary. It might even be the case that there's a parent worrying about the safety aspect who would be quite relieved to be able to be there.

@AmberIsACertainty her DH is working. He owns his own business and has certain months where he works 7 day weeks and long hours. Otherwise I'm sure he would be helping. He's a decent bloke.

Well you've found a solution OP. I wouldn't take a 2 yo to an 8 yo's party with 5 other DC there yo watch too in and out of a swimming pool. Because you wouldn't be able to take your eyes off your own toddler. Friend really ought have asked one of the other parents to stay and supervise but you sound a lovely friend. Make sure one of you is with DCs supervising the pool at all times. It's quite a responsibility ! But may be really lovely!!! Are you taking your swimsuit too? It'll be sweaty hot outside if warm weather.... Fingers crossed for good weather

@Notwavingbutdrowing3 haha your name on this thread made me laugh.😳😳 We live abroad so pretty much guaranteed good weather so I probably will take my costume too... 😉

Your two year old might enjoy it and you'll only need to help if someone is drowning as an extra pair of hands.
Can she arrange for one more adult to be there?

Your friend should ask a parent of one if the other children who are going.

@covidcloser I see your point, and yes... She did go about it the wrong way maybe. But she has always been very generous and invites us round regularly to use the pool ourselves, even once offered her keys so we could go while she was on holiday, although we didn't do it in the end. I wouldnt say she was a taker.

Looking after a 2 year old by a pool is completely different from looking after a 2 year old at home. There is no way I’d be able to watch my child and help my friend supervise other children safely.

If you felt comfortable that would be one thing but you shouldn’t feel pressured into it.