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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going "off for a rest"

84 replies

Eachpeachpears · 28/06/2021 14:29

Dh and I have 2dc. DS is 2.5yrs and DD is 6 months. DD is breastfed and only settles for me. She is up frequently through the night.

DH sleeps all through dd's wake ups. Won't even change a nappy. He does get up with DS at 6am daily while DD and I sleep (co sleeping because I've usually given up with attempts to settle her) for about 30-45mins.

Today DH is isolating as someone at work has tested positive. DS is at nursery. Me and DD at home. I've run around all morning taking DH for a covid test and done the shopping. Got DD home, finally got her to sleep (in my arms) and DH has "gone off for a rest" in the other room. Meanwhile, I'm tied to the sofa with DD sleeping in arms.

Aibu to think DH should have offered to hold DD or at least keep company? When do I get to slope off for a lie down? He's not unwell, he's been resting on days off recently for a bad knee but that's better now.
So considering he will now be isolating for 10days and I'll be doing all running around with DC and doing all night wakes with DD, never getting more than an hour's sleep at a time, AIBU to think he could do a bit more to allow me a little rest today?

I'm half fuming but also unsurprised at DH's blatant disregard for anyone but himself

OP posts:
toothpicklover · 28/06/2021 14:32

He sounds like a lazy selfish prick. I wouldn't tolerate it myself.

You are not his slave, he made both those children and therefore should act accordingly.

I couldn't stay with a man like this. Resentment is soul destroying and so is living with someone that clearly does not respect or care for you.

namechange30455 · 28/06/2021 14:33

I'd be taking yourself off for a rest when he gets back up again. What an absolute waste of space he is.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/06/2021 14:34

As soon as he gets up/and or ds is home from nursery, hand him dd and say you are off for a rest.

I've no issue parents taking time out when possible, but it has to be fair. His reaction when you do the same will be telling

Babymamamama · 28/06/2021 14:36

My ex was like this. Unhelpful. Selfish. Happy to leave all the parenting to me. We aren’t together though now so I have a slanted view. Whilst we were together I had to implement firm timetabled tasks or else I would never have had a minutes respite and he would have thought that was perfectly ok. I’m much happier doing it all on my own now. Honestly.

LowlandLucky · 28/06/2021 14:45

He is a pathetic manchild, tell him to grow up and act like the Father he is.

BecomingAGodInCentralFlorida · 28/06/2021 14:51

This won't be popular but you've asked for AIBUs so here's my take and advice.

Tricky one, as you're also both contributing to the situation by making it so that he never has the chance to learn how to settle DD himself. If you're happy with being the only one who can settle her and therefore doing the massive majority of baby care then that's perfectly okay, but you can't really blame him for that if you're not willing to make changes.

You could let DD learn how to sleep in her own safe sleep space (which would be better for her safety) so that you get some proper sleep over night and a break during her naps.

Or make a mutually agreed schedule so you both get a guaranteed time in the day or evening for a rest. For example DH always has a lie in on his days off for a couple hours after I get up with DS, but then I get two hours to relax or nap on my own during his lunch nap while DH is on duty for when he wakes. So we both have equal time to ourselves to rest or sleep. However we've made sure from the start that DS is equally happy/comfortable/able to settle with the both of us and I wouldn't have accepted anything less than that.

You're focusing on this one incident when really the bigger picture is a massive problem, and neither of you know where you stand or what's expected from you both. Tell him you want to carve some time out each day for a break for both of you and see what works. You might have to relinquish being the 'only one' to settle DD though and let them figure it out.

Curiosity101 · 28/06/2021 14:52

I agree with a PP that rather than being annoyed you should plan to go and have a rest yourself. I'd probably let him know in advance that after DDs next feed you're going to need him to look after her whilst in you have a nap. And that you need to be doing this more regularly, especially over the next 10 days whilst he's at home.

DinosaurDiana · 28/06/2021 14:55

You need to get DH to settle the baby.
And why couldn’t he take himself for his own test ?

covidcloser · 28/06/2021 14:57

Today DH is isolating as someone at work has tested positive

I don't know if your husband is a lazy prick as suggested but I wouldn't want him anywhere near my 6 month old if there was any risk he could develop and pass on covid.

featherbird · 28/06/2021 14:59

Could he have gone for a rest as he's starting to feel poorly re: covid?

(Don't shoot me because I didn't say ltb Blush)

ChelleV · 28/06/2021 14:59

He helped make the babies, he can help take care of them. Simple as, really.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/06/2021 15:02

I never found lying with DD while she napped stressful and considered it a rest. I was literally tied down with no option but to rest and would use my phone or read a book.

If him not being able to settle her is a problem for your family then it’s something for you all to work on.

If he’s got form for not putting his weight then that’s also something to tackle. But given your example I don’t think he’s wrong. You’re resting with the baby, he’s resting without the baby.

And I’ve always done all night wakings, why wake the other person to change nappies when you’re already up. They’re then rested and can do the 6am get up. I hate mornings so I’d take 10 night time wakes ups - sad sometimes did - if I didn’t have to get up first thing. You play to your strengths and abilities.

DevonshireGreen · 28/06/2021 15:03

@ChelleV

He helped make the babies, he can help take care of them. Simple as, really.
I agree, however I've seen in quite a few friends a situation develop where they won't actually put the work in to let their partner and baby be fine on their own. Various reasons behind it, often to do with enjoying feeling needed, or believing he won't do it 'properly', standard maternal gatekeeping behaviour.

Only OP knows whether that's the case. But if bedsharing, exclusively breastfeeding, and continuing to be the only one who can settle (and therefore be alone with for any length of time) baby isn't working then I hope she recognises that that needs to and can change. It's not always the case that a father is unwilling to parent. Might be here, but equally might not.

Mindymomo · 28/06/2021 15:03

I would hope he helps out with cooking and cleaning. Also if you change baby after feeding pass her over to him to do it, then disappear for a while, leaving him to get on with it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/06/2021 15:04

Also if you change baby after feeding pass her over to him to do it, then disappear for a while, leaving him to get on with it.

In the middle of the night? Why?

coffeemonster23 · 28/06/2021 15:06

Have you asked him to take the baby whilst you have a rest? My DH would assume at that age the baby was with me 100% of the time, but would gladly take the baby if needed.

Strikethrough · 28/06/2021 15:08

It's not unusual for a six month old baby to settle for the mum but not the dad at night, especially if breastfed. It also doesn't have to be a problem if the dad pulls more of the weight in other areas. The problem arises if the dad doesn't do either.

NoSquirrels · 28/06/2021 15:09

I imagine he’s thinking you’re sat down for a rest while DD naps, so he’ll go for a rest now.

This is actually won-win because once DD sakes, he can take over for a while and you can ‘go for a rest’.

Then this evening have a discussion about him doing a bit more whilst he’s around for 10 days.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/06/2021 15:09

And you are putting up with this shit because…..?

RedHelenB · 28/06/2021 15:12

Mumsnet martyr alert! Just tell him you need a rest and can be have baby while you do. If it had been me is have fed baby, handed baby to him and gone back to bed! YABaU!

roarfeckingroarr · 28/06/2021 15:13

@BecomingAGodInCentralFlorida

This won't be popular but you've asked for AIBUs so here's my take and advice.

Tricky one, as you're also both contributing to the situation by making it so that he never has the chance to learn how to settle DD himself. If you're happy with being the only one who can settle her and therefore doing the massive majority of baby care then that's perfectly okay, but you can't really blame him for that if you're not willing to make changes.

You could let DD learn how to sleep in her own safe sleep space (which would be better for her safety) so that you get some proper sleep over night and a break during her naps.

Or make a mutually agreed schedule so you both get a guaranteed time in the day or evening for a rest. For example DH always has a lie in on his days off for a couple hours after I get up with DS, but then I get two hours to relax or nap on my own during his lunch nap while DH is on duty for when he wakes. So we both have equal time to ourselves to rest or sleep. However we've made sure from the start that DS is equally happy/comfortable/able to settle with the both of us and I wouldn't have accepted anything less than that.

You're focusing on this one incident when really the bigger picture is a massive problem, and neither of you know where you stand or what's expected from you both. Tell him you want to carve some time out each day for a break for both of you and see what works. You might have to relinquish being the 'only one' to settle DD though and let them figure it out.

Please explain how to get baby to accept their own safe sleep place? I'm cosleeping still at nearly 9 months and did not plan to. Desperate to get DS in his cot without traumatising any of us.
Scotmum83 · 28/06/2021 15:15

I think you need to say how overwhelming been physically attached to the baby and cosleeping can be. I used to feel quite over stimulated by the kids when they were babies, just being touched all day and would hand them over to my husband and escape for a bath , read a book or to watch Netflix for half an hour or so when he got home from work to reset my brain lol. It's really important to do that even if its just a 20 miniute walk listening to music you like.

BecomingAGodInCentralFlorida · 28/06/2021 15:17

@roarfeckingroarr

Sleep training!

We used the Ferber method, but extinction works well too. The method isn't really what matters, it's consistency.

Highly recommend joining an evidence based sleep training group on facebook and posting for support/reading through the files. Ferber was excellent for us at six months. Essentially you make it a rule that from now on baby only sleeps in their own space, don't give in once you start as it's just confusing and unfair on baby. With Ferber you check in at increasing intervals to let them know you're still there, the goal isn't to soothe them or stop them crying but to let them know you're around.

It can take a few nights and involves crying most of the time but sleep training is a very effective, evidence based approach, it's been studied deeply and no long term harmful effects have been found. Happy to share links to evidence if you want it but hopefully that gives you something to go on. The facebook group 'Respectful Sleep Training/Learning' is excellent.

bigbaggyeyes · 28/06/2021 15:18

Why do women set the bar so low in their expectations of a husband and father

Somethingsnappy · 28/06/2021 15:27

As a PP said, he perhaps does think you're resting with the baby and hasn't realised that you feel differently about it and that being constantly attached to the children can be draining.