Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going "off for a rest"

84 replies

Eachpeachpears · 28/06/2021 14:29

Dh and I have 2dc. DS is 2.5yrs and DD is 6 months. DD is breastfed and only settles for me. She is up frequently through the night.

DH sleeps all through dd's wake ups. Won't even change a nappy. He does get up with DS at 6am daily while DD and I sleep (co sleeping because I've usually given up with attempts to settle her) for about 30-45mins.

Today DH is isolating as someone at work has tested positive. DS is at nursery. Me and DD at home. I've run around all morning taking DH for a covid test and done the shopping. Got DD home, finally got her to sleep (in my arms) and DH has "gone off for a rest" in the other room. Meanwhile, I'm tied to the sofa with DD sleeping in arms.

Aibu to think DH should have offered to hold DD or at least keep company? When do I get to slope off for a lie down? He's not unwell, he's been resting on days off recently for a bad knee but that's better now.
So considering he will now be isolating for 10days and I'll be doing all running around with DC and doing all night wakes with DD, never getting more than an hour's sleep at a time, AIBU to think he could do a bit more to allow me a little rest today?

I'm half fuming but also unsurprised at DH's blatant disregard for anyone but himself

OP posts:
DDiva · 28/06/2021 17:57

He should have made you a cuppa or started dinner. However I don't see why you both shouldn't get some rest time, just make sure you get yours too. Dads can feel very pushed out when babys are young so encourage him to get more involved....

As for isolating ideally I'd have thought you should all be limiting your contact with him.....

Dillydollydingdong · 28/06/2021 17:59

Just out dd in his arms and say "it's my turn for a rest now". Then go out.

Gilly12345 · 28/06/2021 18:03

Is he usually helpful around the house and with the children?

Is this usual behaviour?

He needs a good kick up the ass, sort him out.

Original poster
Eachpeachpears · 28/06/2021 18:41

Just to answer a few questions

DH does a manual production job so cannot work from home.

I already have contraception, thank you.

We live in a 2 bed flat so isolating from each other isn't a possibility unfortunately.

DH cannot drive due to his knee issue so I had to take him for covid test.

As much as DH is lovely, DD doesn't actually seem to like him very much so holding her while asleep and playing with her are the limited things she will allow. For example, she won't let him rock her to sleep.

The nappies... He does change nappies through the day, although sometimes needs reminding but at night he has to sleep on his side's because otherwise he snores (and wakes DD) and claims he wakes up with dead arms/ hands and therefore cannot change a nappy.

Sleep training: while I understand this works really well for other families, it isn't for us. I believe our children need us for a reason and I'm uncomfortable letting them cry. Sleep is a developmental milestone, just as walking and talking.
However, I agree I need to get some form of routine when it comes to her sleeping in her cot for naps.

We had a chat after he woke up and have switched DDS cot from the next to me to her big cot but also going to try DH giving her a formula feed before we go to bed. I doubt it will work to be honest, but I'm hoping it might fill her up more.

DH has been reminded that DC are half his and we both need adequate breaks.

OP posts:
gillysSong · 28/06/2021 18:46

She'll never like him if he remains a practical stranger to her.
You need to nip this in the bud now, your baby has two parents.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/06/2021 18:55

I don't know whether I am understanding this right - you want your isolating husband to give close care to your baby? Confused

I think you'd have a point if he wasn't isolating, but 2 bedroom flat or not, you tired or not, he should not be near your baby while he's isolating, unless in extreme circumstances (i.e the other adult, you, is unable to provide care)

It's shit and I get you'll be knackered and fed up, especially if he seems to feel no guilt at the situation, but it is what it is.....

WeatherSystems · 28/06/2021 18:56

You absolutely need to start leaving them alone together for periods of time. If she won’t calm or settle for him then he will learn how to soothe her. If he passes her back to you every time he fails to soothe her you just perpetuate the cycle.

I know it isn’t easy but you’ve created and reinforced an unequal dynamic as parents where somehow you’re both equally responsible for her morally and legally but only one of you is allowed to care for her.

They’ll figure it out, she’s just as much his child as she is yours. She’s six months old, it’s not so much about what she’ll ‘allow’ as facilitating a bond with her parent.

If it helps you feel more comfortable with it remember that emergencies can happen at any time and you wouldn’t want to be stuck in hospital or away tending to family or any number of things worrying yourself sick because your child’s father hasn’t had the opportunity to learn how to care for her.

bigbaggyeyes · 28/06/2021 19:02

He's an adult and the father, the child will get used to him and he will learn. None of this will ever happen if you won't leave them to it. Plus you'll never get any time to yourself unless you do this.

Babygotblueyes · 28/06/2021 19:29

@bigbaggyeyes

Why do women set the bar so low in their expectations of a husband and father
This.
Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 29/06/2021 05:29

(he) claims he wakes up with dead arms/ hands and therefore cannot change a nappy.

GrinGrinGrinHmm

Ummm, he can get out of bed, walk around (quietly) for 30 seconds and the 'dead arm' feeling goes... He's really stretching here for a reason your nighttime sleep is disturbed to change nappies but not his !!

But glad you had a chat with DH and it's good to hear you've ended on

DH has been reminded that DC are half his and we both need adequate breaks.

Iggly · 29/06/2021 05:35

Why do women set the bar so low in their expectations of a husband and father

Why do other women fail to hold men accountable for their laziness and, instead, blame the women?

Terminallysleepdeprived · 29/06/2021 06:16

You have 2 bedrooms...he absolutely can isolate away from you all. You will just need to move things about for 10 days. Be sensible and stop risking you kids Helston to satisfy a manchild.

You are both making excuses for his incompetence and you don't seem willing to listen to the advice given so I'm out.

Good luck but you both need to grow up

HerMammy · 29/06/2021 06:28

her are the limited things she will allow. For example, she won't let him rock her to sleep
You are talking about a 6 month old baby!
Easily one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read and your excuses not to sleep train.
How can he be a parent when you are attached to her 24/7 and believe this nonsense?

bendmeoverbackwards · 29/06/2021 06:39

@Eachpeachpears I totally agree with you about sleep, little babies are SUPPOSED to wake for food or sometimes just comfort. Just a thought - do you breastfeed her lying down? I finally cracked this with baby no 3 and barely woke up to latch her on. I never had to get up in the night with her and felt rested the next morning.

bendmeoverbackwards · 29/06/2021 06:42

Oh and I wouldn’t bother changing a 6 month old baby’s nappy in the middle of the night, it’ll just wake the both of you up.

bendmeoverbackwards · 29/06/2021 06:46

Whilst I see the points of many of the comments, parents of a baby that is breastfed can never be equal. Of course the baby prefers mum. It won’t be for ever but no point fighting nature. Better for the Dad in situations like these to do other things such as care for the toddler and do the housework.

pigeonpies · 29/06/2021 06:48

Op if this was the other way round and your DD wouldn't settle with you and you weren't 'allowed' to have alone time with her, you'd be doing everything in your power to change that dynamic, right?

This situation needs to change today

You don't need to go to full cry it out method but your husband is her dad and deserves the chance to look after her fully

burritofan · 29/06/2021 06:49

(he) claims he wakes up with dead arms/ hands and therefore cannot change a nappy.
Haha! (Otherwise exemplary) DP once explained, “It’s hard for me to go from asleep to awake quickly enough to have the cognitive function to change a nappy.” Hmm

At 6 months DD wouldn’t let anyone but me near her, though she had previously and did again soon after. Try getting DH to carry her in a sling so they can bond. Nothing wrong with holding a baby for naps if you’re happy with it, but if you’re not, (try to) change it or yes, he should be doing half the holding when home.

Cherrysoup · 29/06/2021 06:56

Wakes up with dead arms so he can’t change a nappy?! Fuck my old boots, best excuse I’ve yet to hear! As he can’t work, he can do housework, order an online food shop and do the cooking. On you go, love.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/06/2021 07:01

Some babies won't sleep train. My eldest wouldn't and it was traumatic. My other two it worked fine.

They're babies not robots. They're all different. My exH was exactly the same and it ended in divorce because he just never stepped up in spite of many years of begging, pleading and crying! At one point he told me 'well you wanted them' when I told him how exhausted I was and how little he was doing.

So I hope your dh steps up op. It's soul destroying when they don't.

Tossblanket · 29/06/2021 07:04

He could do

Tossblanket · 29/06/2021 07:04

He could do loads more, he's not pulling his weight.

gingerbiscuits · 29/06/2021 07:31

So stop being so passive about it, then!

My reaction to that scenario wouldn't have been silent fuming - it would have involved the words, "Are you taking the pi$$?!"

If he's home for 10days & is not unwell or working from home then he can step up & co-parent his children properly!!

covidcloser · 29/06/2021 07:43

If nothing else this thread has been an absolute eye opener for me in terms of covid and self isolation.

Are people just not bothering when they are supposed to isolate or is it that the vast majority were so quick to get their man hate comments that the issue was ignored?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/06/2021 07:48

Dead arms/ hands lol. I have chronic pain and struggled to get down on the floor due to horrendous back pain and once down couldn’t get up again so if I dropped something, dh picked it up when he got home. I still managed to care for dd. Clueless.