DH going "off for a rest"

[Eachpeachpears]

Dh and I have 2dc. DS is 2.5yrs and DD is 6 months. DD is breastfed and only settles for me. She is up frequently through the night.

DH sleeps all through dd's wake ups. Won't even change a nappy. He does get up with DS at 6am daily while DD and I sleep (co sleeping because I've usually given up with attempts to settle her) for about 30-45mins.

Today DH is isolating as someone at work has tested positive. DS is at nursery. Me and DD at home. I've run around all morning taking DH for a covid test and done the shopping. Got DD home, finally got her to sleep (in my arms) and DH has "gone off for a rest" in the other room. Meanwhile, I'm tied to the sofa with DD sleeping in arms.

Aibu to think DH should have offered to hold DD or at least keep company? When do I get to slope off for a lie down? He's not unwell, he's been resting on days off recently for a bad knee but that's better now.
So considering he will now be isolating for 10days and I'll be doing all running around with DC and doing all night wakes with DD, never getting more than an hour's sleep at a time, AIBU to think he could do a bit more to allow me a little rest today?

I'm half fuming but also unsurprised at DH's blatant disregard for anyone but himself

What man hate ?

You need him to change his mindset because at the moment he is a lazy bugger and has no incentive to change. The only way to do this is speak to him and explain your frustrations doing so calmly so it doesn't come across as an attack. You aren't wanting him to get all defensive as that won't get you anywhere.

Your baby is young and breastfed and you are the primary caregiver not the only one! I had a small age gap between dd and ds and because it was a repeat section in the first few months I did most of the care for ds (dh would do nappy changes and some bottle feeds) but I did everything else for the baby. I realised that dh had to get used to taking care of both kids and get to know ds properly as I wasn't glad ways going to be around. I swapped with him yo get our dd fed whilst he sorted out ds with a feed, nappy change and clothes change before getting him off to bed. It was incredibly hard for all concerned at first as ds would cry, he wasn't used to his dad doing it all and it would take dh longer than me and he just thought ds didn't love him as much as dd (totally stupid, of course he did). I would stay away at these times and leave them to it and it was hard but I learnt that dh would need to find his own way to soothe him, not what always worked for me and he did. That time of father and son bonding helped get them closer and from then on our before bedtime schedule was less rigid. Whoever was free sorted out both kids. What I am trying to illustrate is that it is not that your dd doesn't like her dad but rather that they haven't spent enough time together doing those things. You need to step back and allow them to do it together. The hardest bit is not stepping in but he will get there in his own time.

That being said there are other ways he could and should be doing to help. For instance aside from isolating is there any reason he cannot order an online shop, put it away, cook meals, clean up, do laundry?

To me you have set your standards low and I agree with other posters and don't know why you would do that unless he was different with your first child? You can explain how you feel but he is an adult and ultimately responsible for his own behaviours however you do have a say in this. You can decide if you want to put up with this or make changes in your life. You don't have to be a martyr unless you want to be!

Really I think communication is key.

To be devil’s advocate here, maybe he IS tired? He wouldn’t go for a rest if he wasn’t? Okay so maybe you are MORE tired than he is - but you need to communicate how tired you are, not expect m to mind-read.

Many on this forum have been breastfeeding mothers and empathise instantly with you. He has never been a breastfeeding mother.

If you said “I am exhausted after only x amount of sleep, please will you take the baby” and he said “no I need a rest” - THEN he would be the unreasonable bastard everyone is calling him.

If he is just failing to understand your needs then that is annoying but all you need to do is tell him!

Agree with those who say he should be minimising contact with you and your baby while he is self-isolating. There is no way he should be offering to hold your daughter or do anything else involving close contact at the moment. The NHS guidance is clear that he should try to avoid contact with you and your baby as much as possible. The fact that he has no symptoms is irrelevant. He may still be carrying the virus and, whilst it generally doesn't affect children as badly, some do become seriously ill. I wouldn't want to take the risk.

However, when he isn't self-isolating, he needs to pull his weight more.

In my view you are unreasonable to think he should be doing more today. However, you would be very reasonable to think he should be doing more when he isn't self-isolating.

In this situation I'd say yabu but only because if he's isolating as a contact with a positive case I wouldn't want him taking the baby until his results come back as a minimum. If he's asymptomatic and passes it on to the baby imagine how you'd both feel. But the rest of the time yanbu.

Disagree with the 'a breastfed baby is always going to be more attached to mum' comments, there are ways to breastfeed without falling into that trap. Pumping once or twice per day so that you can sleep through a feed that dad gives with a bottle is one option, as is combo feeding so it's not all on you. OP has said they're going to try dad giving a bottle of formula before bed which I think is an excellent idea.

Always get baby used to a bottle early on so that later on when you need to share feeds or have a break you're not in a position where you're the only person who can feed your child. You might like the feeling of being needed and like your baby's favourite initially, but most people end up pretty burnt out a few months in by being the only one to do every feed and night wake, and if your baby refuses bottles then you're in a very difficult position.

Unfortunately as great an option as breastfeeding can be, for many families it ends up being the number one driver of inequality between parents, which can be very hard to undo as time goes on.

Next time he slopes off you take dd and put her next to him.
Then you pop out...

@WeatherSystems yes and no. Whilst it might result in more equal parenting with regard to feeding, introducing bottles and formula may have a negative impact on breastfeeding. And if that's something that's important to you, I would be cautious about using formula.

Breastfeeding often gets a bad press for it being harder and more tiring. But it can work out better in terms of sleep. If you can master feeding lying down, you don't even need to wake up properly. Much better than having to get up in the night, prepare bottles and feed the baby sitting up.

That means bedsharing though, which is more dangerous than baby sleeping in their own safe sleep space, and strongly advised against by the NHS, American Academy of Paediatrics, and the Lullaby Trust due to risks to baby of suffocation, strangulation, and entrapment (and correlation with a higher risk of SIDS). Lots of parents just aren't willing to take that risk. Even when following harm reduction techniques such as the 'safe sleep seven' babies are still three times more likely to die in their parent's bed.

Any which way you feed a baby is tiring, but it is better to be honest with parents about the downsides of breastfeeding (for some) so people can make an informed decision. I found during pregnancy that every single piece of info I received about infant feeding praised bf, demonised formula, and didn't talk at all about the problems that breastfeeding can cause (nor about the fact that a percentage of people simply physically don't produce enough milk).

Anyway, I don't want to get into a bf/ff or bedsharing debate on OP's post about dissatisfaction with her partner's parenting. It's just a shame that many women who hope to EBF aren't actually warned about the potential downsides later on when baby won't take a bottle.