DH going "off for a rest"

[Eachpeachpears]

Dh and I have 2dc. DS is 2.5yrs and DD is 6 months. DD is breastfed and only settles for me. She is up frequently through the night.

DH sleeps all through dd's wake ups. Won't even change a nappy. He does get up with DS at 6am daily while DD and I sleep (co sleeping because I've usually given up with attempts to settle her) for about 30-45mins.

Today DH is isolating as someone at work has tested positive. DS is at nursery. Me and DD at home. I've run around all morning taking DH for a covid test and done the shopping. Got DD home, finally got her to sleep (in my arms) and DH has "gone off for a rest" in the other room. Meanwhile, I'm tied to the sofa with DD sleeping in arms.

Aibu to think DH should have offered to hold DD or at least keep company? When do I get to slope off for a lie down? He's not unwell, he's been resting on days off recently for a bad knee but that's better now.
So considering he will now be isolating for 10days and I'll be doing all running around with DC and doing all night wakes with DD, never getting more than an hour's sleep at a time, AIBU to think he could do a bit more to allow me a little rest today?

I'm half fuming but also unsurprised at DH's blatant disregard for anyone but himself

OP can you clarify - does he never do nappies or just the overnight ones?

I’ve been here too. Deal with it now or you’ll resent him for years to come (like me…)

I’ve realised that you have to hand them the baby and declare “I’m going for a rest” like it’s standard practise. Then do it. Tell them you’ll set an alarm and be up for next feed, and that if baby is cranky, just to walk them around etc.

Morning after awful night of lots of wakings: “I’m going to rest during your lunch break so you can have the kids. I have been up all night.” Etc.

If he's isolating but well, isn't he working from home?

Or does he do the sort of job that makes that impossible, so is actually 'off'?

That does make a bit of a difference here!

I don’t understand, why don’t you go test yourself or ask him to do a few bits?

I know women like this (cousins friends etc) and they seem to make their life difficult by setting these daily tasks for themselves and not factoring in time for yourself. Nothing in your post screams that your DH is a selfish prick (as some have said) or is refusing to help.

My partner is ocd about a lot of stuff and is often tired from doing stuff. I’ve often told him to leave things and I’ll do them etc but he has to do them ASAP. I now just leave him to it and will do it when I can/I have time. Not going to break my back or stress myself out bcos he wants things done ASAP.

@RedHelenB

Mumsnet martyr alert! Just tell him you need a rest and can be have baby while you do. If it had been me is have fed baby, handed baby to him and gone back to bed! YABaU!

Oh ffs. Why are you being a twat? Do you think that's helpful?

It's as if some women can't just dump their baby with the dad and fuck off to be knowing it will be looked after properly.

Yabu, just because it is silly to have baby only sleep in your arms. That’s a rod for your own back

Teach the baby to sleep alone. For your own sanity

A baby and a toddler is hard work. You need to be able to sleep

YANBU, but he's the man you chose.
Yes, he's a lazy prick, let him get himslf to appointments, and whilst he's lazy stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, organising stuff. You have no time, your hands are full.

Bloody hell. Doesn't matter what you think. This man will do fuck all while he enjoys his isolation days. Won't change a nappy. Why do you let him treat his daughter with such disdain.

Make sure he is doing the cooking, putting some washing on etc, bathing the other one while u feed. He can be cleaning up the kitchen etc while u try to sort the kids out. Once u have fed the little one tell him u are going up for a nap. If u arnt sleeping during the night u need to try to nap when u get the change so for the next 10 days I would expect to be able to take naps.

What do you mean he ‘won’t’ change a nappy? Does he actually say no I’m not changing my child? If so that’s the height of selfishness and I wouldn’t even know how to communicate with that. If it’s more that he isn’t doing routine nappy checks and changes then you need to tell him to do it.

As for taking the baby so you could rest, you could have communicated. If you were lying chilling he might not have thought you wanted him to take the baby. You could have said take the baby for a bit I need a sleep.

Sounds like a selfish bugger. Time to read him the riot act.

As well, are you really ‘tied to the sofa’ the whole time your 6 month old is sleeping? Could you rock her to sleep in your arms and lie her down? If not, I can imagine it must be a lot to be holding a 6 month old every time they sleep.

Yanbu to be annoyed and frustrated at him. You are the one running around. He may be self isolating at home but he has no symptoms and isn't unwell. He still has two arms and two legs and a functioning brain.

Once he's up, handover DC to him and making tea bath times etc and go for an undisturbed lie down yourself. Tell him "fantastic now you are self isolating at home, you'll be around to SHARE nights and day childcare, what a result! Here's your share, I will be going out more to grab some childfree time" (& then go out!)

Winner winner ! DH home for 10 days , sleep train that DC ! No one needs to be up for work , he cooks cleans so you can catch up on sleep. This could be life changing.

Sleep train baby. If your husband does end up positive should your other child have been going to nursery? If you have to isolate surely so does the whole family otherwise ....

My exh NEVER changed a nappy. He NEVER got up for nightfeeds And he ALWAYS had afternoon naps whenever he could, even before children came along. He NEVER got up for baby early in the morning.

I didn’t have family around, nor outside help.

I was such an idiot not to get him to do more.

But I did sleep train the babies and never had them in our bed, (it’s not easy, but worth it) that was my life saver looking back.

@birdglasspen

Sleep train baby. If your husband does end up positive should your other child have been going to nursery? If you have to isolate surely so does the whole family otherwise ....

Only the close contact has to isolate. The family would only need to isolate if the DH had symptoms.

That said, and I did raise it earlier, I wouldn't have have a potential covid positive person near my 6 month old.

There are 2 issues here...

1. he is isolating so he shouldn't be anywhere near you or your kids. He should be restricted to a single room. Meals taken and left at the door and only out for the bathroom unless he can isolate in a room with an en suite.

2. when not isolating he is a lazy sob and needs to step up. But you also need to force hi. To deal with dd and not just keep taking the easy way out (sorry I know harsh) but they need to bond

This could be a conversation I have with my sisters or any one of my friends and while the husbands aren't pulling their weight etc it is usually the wives (or partners) who are allowing it.
It is so frustrating to hear my sister moan constantly about her husband when she martyrs herself. "does he think the cupboards just magically fill themselves?". Okay - you need to ensure your kids are well fed and looked after but just stop buying food for him and he'll soon see how much you do.
You need to just get up and go for a rest and leave him to it.

he is isolating?
is he bored?
does it really matter?

@bigbaggyeyes

Why do women set the bar so low in their expectations of a husband and father

This. All of this. Baffles me.

to bigbaggyeyes and BeeDavis and countless others...

Do you ever realise how utterly sneery you sound? Do you honestly believe that women 'set a low bar' as some sort of conscious act? That they purposely determine a life of drudgery and martyrdom as something to aim for?

I feel sorry for every woman that encounters posters such as you. There's never an acknowledgement, any sort of solidarity or helpful advice/experience.

Just short-staccato twattishness. This. It's all you're good for. Doesn't baffle me. Makes me roll my eyes. Every time.

First off OP, sort your contraception out.

He sounds like a selfish lazy waster.

No prize.

Unfortunately women insist on thinking lazy selfish men will morph into someone decent after having children.

Invariably they don't.

The get worse and they have even less respect for the women, because they know they are lazy and still the women were prepared to have children with them🤷🏻‍♀️.

Stop doing anything for him. At all.

Go back to work when you can.

Be prepared to fall completely out of love with him in the next few years.

Wasters are so unattractive.

Get organised financially.

Talk to family and friends and tell the truth about him.
Hopefully they will support you.

You deserve better.

B

Was he as lazy as this when you have just one child? Before children?

I’m all for shared parenting, but in this specific case I don’t see that he did wrong. Baby was asleep and settled, you could have watched something on tv and rest. I would have asked for some treats and a coffee before he hides away though.