About working full time with young children

[lemonadeandstrawberries]

My partner and I have a seven month old. Before I had her I had a pretty demanding senior role in a school. It was also over an hours commute. Went on maternity leave and handed in my notice. I applied for teaching roles without any additional responsibilities and was successful a few months ago. Due to start in September.

Since it’s a new role and not returning to one it’s full time. Not really ideal but my plan was to work full time and also to hopefully have another baby, then request more flexibility. Ideally a three day week.

I suppose what I’m wondering is once I’ve got this if it’s reasonable to maintain it long term. To be honest I’d prefer to. I’d like to do primary drop offs and pick ups and be available for some assemblies and so on.

But I’m also conscious that life isn’t cheap, my children will need help with house deposits and so on. Is it better to invest in their future?

I’m just looking for views on this I suppose.

It’s BEST to be home with your children as much as possible

Yet no one seems to give dads any shit about this. Always Mums.

I've gone the opposite way. I'm going part time (down to four days) whilst DD is small. She's nearly 1 now. I'll do full time when she's at school. Now is the time I can spend weekdays with her because she doesn't have to be in school.

@lemonadeandstrawberries I've not quite got that far yet as I'm currently pregnant with #2 but I've had similar thoughts about longer term working patterns. Currently DS is with a childminder full time, once he's at school she'll be doing wrap around care which will include pick up and drop offs. Same plan for this baby.

Once I got back to work after maternity I'll be going back full time but am intending to ask for a 4 day week to give a bit of flexibility. I'm also hoping to convince DH to drop to 4 days but he doesn't seem keen. He'll pull his weight with days off etc as so I've no worries there.

Given your situation I can definitely understand why you'd consider 3 days a week. If it's feasible for your role then it definitely seems like it'll be great to help ensure you're present for the kids when they need you. I don't like the idea that our child minder will be a much greater presence at the school gates than I (or DH) will ever be. Not to mention all the mornings/afternoons I'll miss over the years. But knowing that they'll only be small for a short amount of time makes me hesitant to cut down any further on work as I will want/need to work as they get older and more independent. I work in a sector where it's very easy to get left behind so it looks like it'll be a tough balancing act for me for the next 5-10 years.

I found working much easier when they were tiny than it was as they got a bit older. It was easy to drop them off and have all their needs met by someone else when they were little, harder when they wanted to do play dates etc later and actually teen years harder still. They don't need you a lot, but when they do need you they need you

If you can manage it I think FT now and PT later is a good plan.

Thanks for thoughts. I suppose what I’m contemplating is next September (so 2022) making a change to my working hours which would probably last for a good twelve years or beyond. Which would take me to being 54!

It’s not really intended as a ‘SAHM or working Parent’ debate, I don’t think either is inherently better or worse.

I’m just considering the future when I hopefully have two children and they are at primary. Is wanting to take them to school myself and pick them up and attend some assemblies and plays a big enough reason to not work full time … I think it is but as I say I am interested in what others think.

It’s actually easier in some ways to use FT childcare when they are little, and I found I needed more flexibility on working when they were closer to school age and wanting to do after school clubs, play dates, rainbows / beavers, etc.
So your potential plan of building towards part time working in a few years seems good to me. My husband and I were both full time for the first few years of children, then he went down to 60%, and a bit after that I went down to 80%, and it’s great. We could both increase our hours again if we wanted to or needed to. Worth thinking of the long term.

Is wanting to take them to school myself and pick them up and attend some assemblies and plays a big enough reason to not work full time … I think it is but as I say I am interested in what others think.

I don't think you'll do them any lasting damage by not doing this. But I definitely think it's a good enough reason to do it if your situation would allow it and you're comfortable with whatever impacts will come of it.

If I won the lottery tomorrow I'd still want to work... It'd just be more likely to be 3 days a week for short days doing something I enjoy rather than what I'm currently doing right now. So essentially I would like to do what you're suggesting (although with shorter work days), just can't afford to for various reasons.

I’m a teacher & went to 4 days after dc1 but kept my slt responsibilities, had dc2 fairly soon after and went down to 3 days no responsibilities when dc2 was around 2. At that point we felt the dc needed me at home more and the best thing for us as a family was for me to be at home a bit more.

DH is also a teacher so one of the challenges when we both worked more was the evening & weekend work that needs doing - it meant in term time we barely saw each other or had family time; weekends were just negotiating with each other about when we could work.

Me taking on more of the home stuff has let dh progress in his career more easily (sad but true) which has helped financially…and teaching salary really isn’t bad once you are further up the pay scales (I made ups not long after dc1 which helped a lot - I’d have to work full time in a different type of role to earn what I do now in 3 days).

I tried going back to 4 days when dc2 started school and actually that was too early. Now they’re both ks2 I’m upping my hours & role again from September to leadership 0.8 and it feels like the right time.

Ultimately that’s a longwinded way of saying you probably need to play it by ear. Different things will feel right at different points and, as long as the finances work out, that’s ok.

One crucial thing is dh has always understood my role as important too. Obviously him being a teacher helps a lot as he gets it - he also completely appreciates how me doing different things at different points has benefited him. We’ve always shared the childcare & housework outside of our working hours and that is so important.

Although you get the school holidays as a teacher unfortunately it's a very inflexible job compared to others. I think it's pretty hard to be a FT teacher with school age children, and manage to do the things you say you want to do (drop offs pick ups etc). As others have mentioned it is much easier when they are preschool than once in primary. Perhaps if you are sure you want two then remaining full time and requesting PT after the second mat leaves gives you the best of both worlds.
Although things don't always turn out to plan, this route would give you options.

It’s BEST to be home with your children as much as possible. They won’t care that you’re trying to save for their future. They will want you present.

I've not really seen this with regards to my friendship circle and my own personal experience. I've also not seen a lot of peer reviewed papers about this, on the contrary the socialisation that comes from childcare is often credited with increased skills and development for children. Totally understand about your opinion but when you give it as fact it does vex

Out of left field op do you teach something that would be attractive to a private school. A lot offer discounts to staff children and you’d be onsite.
A lot depends on your children and the school. If they are early birds and school has a popular breakfast club it’s no hardship to drop them off and use it you’re not missing anything. It’s more after school where you probably would feel benefit of being there.
I’ve done various combinations when DD was young things change and you adapt. Your DP may be more flexible in future.

I am a teacher and dropped to PT when DD1 was 3 and stayed part time until DD2 started Y1 last year. So all in all I was PT for almost 7 years. I loved it - I worked mornings so was able to collect the children from school every day. I always did drop off too (either at nursery or school) and I saw all assemblies and sports days etc because they attend the school I teach at.

I went back full time last September as I wanted to focus on my career and yes because as they get older they cost more. My DH lost his job in the pandemic and being FT gives me the security of being able to take care of all bills on my own. Should he ever leave then I'm not dependent on him either.

There is no right and wrong answer - I loved being PT while they were little and don't regret it at all. But equally, I love being able to afford little treats and things now! It is totally down to what you want for your family!

I wouldn’t even consider working in a private school or sending my children to one or having my children come to a school I work at, tbh. Sorry!

@dixonD

"It’s BEST to be home with your children as much as possible. They won’t care that you’re trying to save for their future. They will want you present".

This is not a fact. Anecdotally I can tell you that both my parents worked full time, and I had a very happy childhood, and now have an excellent relationship with them. In addition, they have been able to support me financially in ways that have made a huge difference to my quality of life, and my children's quality of life. They are looking at very comfortable retirements and that makes all of our lives less stressful.

In contrast DH's mum was a SAHP and he keeps her at an arm's length. He felt quite smothered as a child and when it came to moving to uni picked the ones as far away as he could manage. Financially he has had to be very independent and it looks like we might need to support them financially in the future. I'm not happy about this.

Again this is all anecdotal, but don't present your opinion as facts.

@lemonadeandstrawberries

Thanks for thoughts. I suppose what I’m contemplating is next September (so 2022) making a change to my working hours which would probably last for a good twelve years or beyond. Which would take me to being 54!

It’s not really intended as a ‘SAHM or working Parent’ debate, I don’t think either is inherently better or worse.

I’m just considering the future when I hopefully have two children and they are at primary. Is wanting to take them to school myself and pick them up and attend some assemblies and plays a big enough reason to not work full time … I think it is but as I say I am interested in what others think.

I think it is. If it's something youd regret otherwise and your work isnt flexible enough to work full time and do this (which as a teacher it wouldnt be) then go part time. I work full time hours (and some) across 4 days and will play it by ear but I am self employed so know I will be able to work around the majority of events so that I am present. Ultimately it depends on your child, their needs, your situation and what you want. I always think a good parent is more likely to result from a happy parent so if being more available will make you happier, that seems to me to be best

There is no right or wrong, just what is right for your family, none of us can tell you what that is, only tell you our experiences.

I returned to work full time after having DS, which was out of necessity as I'm the main earner. But I work shifts so I was able to be there a lot during the day for DS in the preschool years, and do a lot of pick ups/drop offs, attend school events (pre-covid times) and so on now. I don't regret it at all, it was right for my family, and still is. But everyone's situation is different.

There are other things to consider besides saving for your children's future, what about yours? Working part time means less pension savings. Also career progression will likely be hampered, as so many will attest to on here. And while no one ever thinks it will happen to them, what if your marriage broke down in future? How would you support yourself and look after your children?

But the trade off for working part time is more time with your children. You can always make money, but you can never make more time.

I wouldn't worry too much about saving for their future, just consider what is right for your family, and each of you individually, and have a back up plan in case it doesn't work out. If you decide the part time option is best then go for it, just do so with your eyes open.

@PurpleyBlue

You'll have school holidays to worry about so your partner can use his leave during term time? What are your partners plans re school drop offs etc?

Maybe op wants to do it herself???

Can your partner consider compressed hours as well if he won't go PT? Or if he can wfh he can pop out to school events.

Honestly, I feel like it's a mumsnet phenomenon, this idea of constant school events and sick kids. We have a little flurry round Xmas, and a sports day. Sometimes an after-school Easter egg hunt. Definitely not enough to organise an entire working pattern around. Luckily our kids are not sick very often (I do understand mileage varies on that too, and there are good reasons why some kids are off sick a lot).

We started from the principle- as early as maternity/spl that we wanted set up as equal parents. DP dropped to 4 days and I compressed my week- I also travelled a fair bit. This was good because we each had a day to take them to things and pick up from school, and in the holidays only 3 days a week to cover (we also have no nearby family). At the moment we have a different pattern as we are overseas and dp has taken a career break and I'm full time. I'm the higher earner usually but we're not huge earners, in the teacher social worker ballpark.

It's a good idea to think in the round- what do you want your lives to look like? Do you want to carry a massive chunk of the mental load as well? If you don't, how can you engineer it so you won't? Probably going back ft at first is a good thing, as you'll have a chance to see how that works and which parts you want to tweak.

I think it all hinges on your relationship. If your partner genuinely pulls his weight and takes on some of the mental load it might be ok. The PT working parent often ends up mostly being the household drudge on their days off. The FT working parent becomes resentful and the relationship suffers.

If you separate and you have to care for your kids with only your income and woeful CMS minimum your kids will probably wish you had stayed FT and progressed your career so you weren’t quite as poor.

If your relationship is lovely and supportive and everyone is on the same page I would say that overall kids prefer their mum to be more available at primary school age. You can always return to work FT when the youngest is in secondary school.

Not everyone has the privilege of doing what's BEST for the their family. For most, it is a case of needs must. I had to work full time when DS1 was a baby. I couldn't justify the payout to go part time and we also planned (and did) to have another soon after, so I needed the full time maternity pay.

I got put on notice of redundancy when I was 30 weeks pregnant with DS2. I then got redeployed whilst on mat leave to another job which was part time evenings. It meant I still worked (and brought in a decent wage because it was shift work) and didn't have to pay childcare because I was working around DH's hours.

On paper, it was best for our family. Honestly, it was the hardest three years of my life, I was permanently exhausted because I never had any time to myself and was living on 5-6 hours sleep. My job was full on for the entire time I was there. My relationship with DH almost imploded and it has taken us a long time to get it back to what it was.

I went back full time days when my youngest was 3. Then we had to pay for childcare, so we have been skint for the last three years. It is only now I WFH and I don't need wrap around care anymore that we are doing OK.

Most of us are just doing what we need to to scrape through.

What about your OH working part-time to do the pick ups?

Is that a possibility?

You asked what's BEST

Life is bloody expensive and stuff happens so earning as much as you can and saving hard is BEST

Your baby seeing your partner role modelling adequate behaviour by doing his HALF of all childcare is BEST. So he does term time in your case.

Protecting your own financial independence is BEST

IMHO if you can afford PT, even just for a few years do it! They fly by.
I dropped to 3 days when DC were babies. I increased to 4 when both at school and went full time when they were late Primary. My pension has taken a hit but not too bad now I'm FT and they're growing up.

Was definitely worth it in the younger years.

Waterborne, I don't agree at all, - 'working as hard as you can and saving as much as you can' ? Nah, it's about getting a balance

*waterbottle