Is happiness a choice?

[nothappy2021]

Is happiness perception and/or is happiness a choice?

I’m a very anxious person (and have become even worse since having my DC), to the point where it’s ruining my marriage as my DH is struggling to cope. I want to be happy but just feel like my default setting is to be anxious, worried and down. I can’t seem to get out of that mindset.

My question is, can you force yourself to be happy and less anxious by trying to see the positive in everything and just having a general “don’t give a shit” attitude? I’ve tried but can’t seem to stick at it for long and just sink back into feeling low. Am I just not trying hard enough? How can I change my mindset?

I think there’s an element of enjoying what you have and what you are doing in life and not constantly looking for the next big thing. Obviously some people are unhappy due to fairly major things

I read somewhere that happiness is wanting what you already have - which is great in theory, but if there is toxicness/poverty/abuse in your life then it sounds patronising!

Gratitude helps, definitely being grateful for the good stuff you have and putting emphasis on friends/family/experiences rather than money or ego.

I think happiness can be a state of mind, if life allows, but life is tough and at times bloody unfair, so the pressure to be 'happy' all the time just isn't realistic.

OP I had CBT for my anxiety and it was life changing. Is there a chance you could get help? You deserve to feel better.

It’s bollocks. I have an anxiety disorder (diagnosed before I’m accused of bandwagon jumping) and have at times suffered from severe depression.

You can’t choose not to have a mental illness.

When I feel happy it’s wonderful. And i feel content with my lot - I have a wife I adore, a son, I job I enjoy and and good at. We are financially stable. So we have good times and I do feel happy a lot of the time. And I have things in place to keep my mental health in check. But no, I can’t choose my way out of it.

Have you tried antidepressants ?
They were a life saver for my DH.
He did a lot of research on them at the time and went with Citalopram.

Citalopram, gardening, exercise, meditation, giving up alcohol completely and reading/listening to Eckhart Tolle is my recipe for happiness.

I’m not saying I skip around the world singing - I don’t. But as a lifetime sufferer of anxiety and OCD, those are the things that really make a difference to my mood.

It’s work, really. But very, very worth it not to feel scared and anxious all the time.

Oh, and keeping a gratitude journal. Five minutes at the beginning and end of each day.

Sorry OP, my post wasn’t helpful to you.

As I said, you can’t just force yourself to feel better but there are things you can do. Anti depressants can halo. Often they make you feel a little worse before they make you feel better. Sweet a-line is horrendous for me for the first two weeks, but then settles. But actually it’s not massively effective for me, and I eventually found one - Mirtazapine- that does help me. It’s not a cure all but when I got really bad last year it definitely made a difference, with no nasty side effects. It’s worth exploring with your GP.

Therapy has also helped me. I was lucky to be referred to an amazing psychologist on the NHS who helped me work through severe anxiety and also some past unresolved trauma. After I had my baby I was able to get re-referred when I got really bad PND.

I’ve had my lot of NHS therapy now. I’m lucky that I can afford this, but after a particularly hard time a few years ago I decided to find a private therapist, and i found a very good match. I see her usually once a month just to keep my mental health in check, and if I start to go downhill I maybe see her more frequently. She had been a godsend.

There is no quick fix. You have to find what works for you, and you may have to try different things. But you don’t have to feel this way forever. You can’t just choose not to be depressed or anxious, but you can be proactive and engage with things that will help. And you can be happy again.

Good luck OP

To an extent it can be. If you have no mental illness, your circumstances are good etc, but you just generally see the negative in everything, then I think that an adjustment of your mindset would increase your happiness.

But if your circumstances are not good, or you have depression or anxiety, then you cannot just think yourself happy. Trying (and failing) will just make things worse. Anxiety (or any other mental health condition) is not something you can just wish away, or get better from if only you try harder. Why don’t you see if you can have a chat with your GP?

Getting help is a choice. Learning coping mechanisms for anxiety is a choice, or taking medication is a choice.

Just deciding you’re not going to be anxious any more isn’t something people can usually do.

Two important things here:

Yes: being less negative and appreciating your surroundings does make you feel better. You’ll notice small things you are happy for.

Secondly, happiness isn’t a state of being and that could be where you’re going wrong. Happiness is an emotion, in the same way sadness and anger is. You can be happy about something for a minute and then be sad. It’s not abnormal.

Thanks everyone. I haven’t tried medication - is there one pill that helps both anxiety and depression? Or do they tend to be one or the other?

I know I need to take action, because I can’t bear to drag my DH down any longer. It’s got to the point where he won’t tell me stuff and because he worries about my anxiety. I also want to be a positive and happy role model for my DC, not an anxious miserable mess

Many anti-depressants are used for both anxiety and depression.

I think severe depression / anxiety is a clinical physical imbalance which only medication will cure - that’s my own personal experience (had severe pnd and long standing experience of mum with severe depression and schizophrenia and husband also has severe depression and bipolar- all of which hugely helped by medication). But - to some extent I do think people can choose to “fake it to make it” and often that in turn can lead to a more positive outlook. I think it’s very hard to live with someone who doesn’t let you be yourself though. Times I’ve been struggling with my mental health I’ve needed to be able to completely be however I’m feeling and that’s quite difficult if you feel you have to put a front on all the time to avoid upsetting people.

They help both. Do try it, if not only to save your marriage.
You need to stick with it, it took 6 months for my DH to feel the full benefit, but we noticed a difference after 1 month.
Good luck 💐

Secondly, happiness isn’t a state of being and that could be where you’re going wrong.

That’s an interesting point. Some people do seem naturally happier than others though (like my DH!)

Is there a root cause to your anxiety? I had extremely severe anxiety and other mental health problems due to abuse and there was no amount of just trying to feel happy or medication that would've made things better. I had proper therapy that dug deep to the heart of the problem and I gradually healed and worked through everything. It was a long process but it really changed my life and I've been truly happy ever since.

Interesting question OP, I have anxiety and used to have depression and would have said it's not a choice but I went to a positive psychology seminar recently and they were saying that the research indicates it is a choice in a way; that the only thing really happy people do differently to everyone else is choose to be happy by being grateful for the things they have and intentionally seeing the good side in things. They still had the same problems and tragedies as everyone else but they deliberately focused on the positives in their lives. His advice was keep a gratitude journal, remember it's not the exact external world causing you to feel sad/anxious it's your own thoughts and you can choose to let those thoughts go, they are just thoughts, and to wake up every day with your first thought being "I don't have a toothache!"

I think the saying that "happiness is a choice" is overly simplistic. Yes, there are ways people can help themselves but there are many reasons why someone might not be able to. For instance, I suffered a traumatic personal tragedy followed by a delayed diagnosis which caused permanent damage and long term consequences. Anyone telling me that "happiness is a choice" would have been brutally murdered during this terrible time.

Slowly however, I did start to help myself. I had intense counselling to tackle my depression and PTSD. I went onto a low dose antidepressant to support me. I accepted offers of help from friends and family. Finally, I had an epiphany one day that I hadn't asked for such terrible things to happen and I deserved a break from the awful things I was thinking and feeling. Finally, I allowed myself to enjoy things again. I still get bad phases but that epiphany stayed with me.

So, I would say that anyone spouting that "happiness is a choice" is vastly over-simplying the subject. Time, counselling, medication etc can help work towards it but it certainly isn't something which can be forced.

I would say acceptance on some level that we are living in very anxious times, can help.

It is not all you. Is what I would like to say.

Having said this, putting things in place that help, for example eating the right foods (to combat anxiety), and all the things i.e. exercise that help too.

With anxiety and depression though, sometimes these things are difficult to do. And I know it is important to realise that.

These days I try to reframe my anxiety as a positive force, instead of hating it.

If I'm worried about something, as far as I can, I try to look it in the face and tackle it. Example, you worry about finances, then check your bank account everyday, get yourself a notebook to write down what would help, tick it off get on moneysaving websites etc.

Try to see it as a challenge.

You worry about health, Covid etc. So control what you can control. Choice of foods, drinking enough water, attending your appointments including the dentist etc.

That way at the end of the day you know you have done what you can. And hopefully you will have a pleasant living environment to sit and rest in when you need to.

Be careful about t.v. I check the news online once a day only.
To stay informed, understand the risks if there are any, but try to be aware that some of it is fake news and can be disregarded. It does have an affect on people hearing it blaring on the background all the time.

Whereas with books, paper news and a website you have more choice about what it is you are exposed to.

I think that conquering anxiety and experiencing happiness isn't a question of 'trying hard enough' or 'making a choice', but it is something that we can edge ourselves towards by using specific techniques. Techniques of CBT and mindfulness.

It struck me, OP ,that you have framed the issue in a kind of all-or-nothing way that maximises the possibilities of self-reproach, self-bullying and failure -- and that this framing might be illustrative of the patterns that contribute towards keeping you unhappy. You talk about 'forcing yourself,' and about developing a mindset that is totally at odds with the person you are. But rather than demanding a general assault on your way of thinking in order to create a personality overhaul of yourself, is it more helpful to think about choosing one or two specific exercises to tweak one or two specific distressing patterns in your thinking? And seeing how it goes from there?

I don't know, but these things matter to me a lot at the moment because I have just begun to realise how crippling anxiety has become for me. I had always thought of myself as depessed first and anxious second. But now I see that anxiety is keeping my depression alive by preventing me from doing the kinds of things that improve self-esteem and joy. And that realisation seems hopeful because I get the impression that CBT will work much better against anxiety than against depression.

Depression is so diffuse, large and all-encompassing that it is hard to find a way in, a foothold from which to begin all the CBT stuff. But anxiety is more concrete. It is expressed so precisely in specific patterns of behaviour, thought and feeling which means that it lends itself relatively well to all the self-help guidance we are bombarded with. So I am trying to read-up on CBT with a new positivity having been sceptical of it for years.

I think you can find twin studies that indicate a disposition towards happiness...something like 40-50% of your happiness level is heritable, but that also means at least 50% is within your influence.

is there one pill that helps both anxiety and depression? Or do they tend to be one or the other?

Depends on the medication and your reaction to it. One brand works well for me and helps with both. The other stopped me wanting to not be here anymore, but my anxiety increased (I won’t name brands because I don’t want you to think I’m recommending or not). Your GP can help you with that and can always change it if it’s not helping you.

To an extent.

Anxiety, Stress and Depression are not choices, they are medical conditions and need to be treated like any other long term condition.

The vicious circle with these conditions is the feeling of hopelessness and negativity that prevents you seeking help or doing something to improve your lot.

You've already made two steps : you've told your husband you seems understanding, and you've reached out for help on here.

How about you make the next step making an appointment with your GP?

Try taking one positive step a day..or a week..so you know you are taking back control. It can be going for a walk, researching self help books, look at downloading relaxing/cheerful music, watch a feel good film....obviously not cures, but little steps to try to get to a place where you can really confront your conditions.

Just seeing that you aren't helpless can be a big boost.

The world is both terrible and wonderful, I guess the key to happiness is getting to the point where you can see more of the wonder than unpleasantness.