Is happiness a choice?

[nothappy2021]

Is happiness perception and/or is happiness a choice?

I’m a very anxious person (and have become even worse since having my DC), to the point where it’s ruining my marriage as my DH is struggling to cope. I want to be happy but just feel like my default setting is to be anxious, worried and down. I can’t seem to get out of that mindset.

My question is, can you force yourself to be happy and less anxious by trying to see the positive in everything and just having a general “don’t give a shit” attitude? I’ve tried but can’t seem to stick at it for long and just sink back into feeling low. Am I just not trying hard enough? How can I change my mindset?

Lots of ideas here too

www.actionforhappiness.org

It is also worth considering if there are things in your life that actually could be better that you could change.

A large part of anxiety is about feeling you have no control over what is happening, life is unstable and terrible things could happen.

Well part of the solution is to be more accepting of uncertainty, but another part of it is to live a life over which you have more control.

For example, do you have relationships with any friends or family members where you have poor boundaries and they control you? Can you stand up to them? Or can you end those relationships? Can you take back some control?

Are you in a job where you are micromanaged, have little autonomy and are criticised constantly? Can you change job? Can you get a job where you have more control?

But without someone talking to you, without really listening to what is happening in your life, we can’t know whether the anxiety is about you needing to cope with uncertainty better, or whether it is because you are living a life where you are not accomplishing self efficacy and autonomy, or whether you are struggling with extreme trauma, or some combination of the three.

As for the notion that you can’t be happy all the time, that largely depends on what we mean by happiness. I would say it involves things like flow, contentment, poignancy, meaningfulness, duty. I don’t think it means being in a constant state of euphoria.

I also think that if you have bad anxiety then start with grounding techniques.

Everything else is like being lectured on road safety when you are lying on the tarmac having been hit by a car.

My sister is on a quest to 'find happiness' and i think by being on this quest she is constant telling herself that she isn't happy so its a bit of a catch-22. I definitely believe some people are more innately happy or optimistic and see the good rather than the bad. I wouldn't agree with forcing any emotion as ultimately emotions are genuine states of being that we need to feel and acknowlegde. Like the minds way of keeping you alive and you can't falsify any emotion forever, potentially pretending to be happy will only wear you down. It seems human-tendancy is often to focus on what we don't have or can't have. I agree with @beigebrownblue there is definitely a level of acceptance needed when thinking about how you are able to live your life be that alone or with family. It took me a long time as a single mum to find what made me truly happy as i was surrounded by 'picture-perfect' families and for a long time i thought i'd never be happy with my situation. I agree with therapy as we were lucky to find a family therapist who was able to give me a different insight into how to view my life and all the opportunities that i had but had simply dismissed because my focus was on what i didn't have. Fast forward i'm still single but can honestly so happy! Never in a million years did i ever think i'd be able to say that a few years ago. Do your children not bring you joy and happiness? Although bringing kids up really isn't easy, i know with mine i've learned a new sort of happiness which comes purely from their happiness.

I'll get flamed, I know.

I can't help but observe that some of the most anxious people I know cling to their anxiety as a kind of comfort blanket. They would see it as morally wrong not to care that much, and the anxiety is so familiar to them that they find it easier to have the anxiety as a constant assurance that they are trying to fix their lives -- rather than shrug & let go of control.

There are tangled up issues like trauma & abuse often in their background. Which is part of their insecurity that they are convinced it's not ok to "let go" of worries. Anyway, at the root of the anxiety is a deep insecurity that has nothing to do with the stated problem they are obsessing about.

Yes
By changing that yes you have anxiety but it will not impact my life fully that you have it but taking steps to improve your life for the better,, I'm nervous - my mind is distracted by unnessary stuff but I am happy because I know I am doing ok.

By using medication, True Friendships, Mindfulness, not accepting toxic behaviour and attitudes into your life.
Good support around you or available.
Limiting stress and taking on to much responsibility.
No not all mental health issues make us unhappy & being impossible to be happy.
It is a choice and state of mind to move away from feeling that way..yes medication for the more than mild anxiety symptoms.

• Look and listen to those people you are surrounded by, are they happy positive people, do they live or exist in life?

What do you talk about, care about, think about. I wake up everyday to try again. I can now cope with people because I do not see them as superior or better but as another human being.

@lljkk

I'll get flamed, I know.

I can't help but observe that some of the most anxious people I know cling to their anxiety as a kind of comfort blanket. They would see it as morally wrong not to care that much, and the anxiety is so familiar to them that they find it easier to have the anxiety as a constant assurance that they are trying to fix their lives -- rather than shrug & let go of control.

There are tangled up issues like trauma & abuse often in their background. Which is part of their insecurity that they are convinced it's not ok to "let go" of worries. Anyway, at the root of the anxiety is a deep insecurity that has nothing to do with the stated problem they are obsessing about.

I think you are on to something here.

There can be an element of habit about it.

mental health isn't a choice.. that being said.

I think there is something to be said about trying to have a positive outlook on life, and not giving a crap about what other people think/feel about you.. and just embracing the person that you are.

Im diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, been on various meds, had CBT, had PND at one point.. so i KNOW whats its like to be in the grip of my condition.

However, i think, in hindsight, a lot of my downward spirals WERE caused by the environment that i was in.. being bullied at school for being 'different' an abusive marriage..

I'm 40, single, and 'weird' and now have friends who love me for being me.. quirks, odd fashion sense and all.. and i'm certainly a lot 'happier' than i have been for a long time.

i still get sad, and down.. i'm feeling quite flat this week.. but i know thats ME/my brain being a pain in the ass, so i'm feeling quite negative.. but CBT has given me the tools to work my way through this down patch and know WHY i'm feeling this way (Hormones mostly).

IF you haven't had CBT, its definitely worth a try.. but i'd also look into your environment, and see if there aren't any changes that you could make too. :)

Lljkk, it isn’t really controversial to say that a great deal of anxiety is a displacement activity.

Someone lacks the skills to develop autonomy in one area of life so they start fixating on something else to try and control the outcome of.

And of course it is a moral good to be able to function as an autonomous human being. It is harder to contribute to the world in a positive way when you are overwhelmed by your own life.

I wouldn't say happiness is a choice

but being and remaining unhappy certainly is

Lljkk I think you are absolutely right in this.

OP the fact that you want to do something about this is a huge step forward. I find friends with anxiety and MH problems are often so negative about getting better, they don't give treatment a chance, it's like they don't really want it to work.

The choice is not to be happy but to do something about what's making you unhappy !

I also find what makes me most happy is when I am thinking about others and immersed in helping other people, I forget about worrying about 'me' completely.

@lljkk I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. It is much better now. However, I agree with you that this was the case for me. I somehow felt like I was more in control if I worried. Brene Brown’s books were good for this as they discuss how it’s ok to be vulnerable. I was trying everything I could not to feel vulnerable but it caused massive anxiety. And then there was the habit element of it. It’s like, if I didn’t feel anxious, then something was wrong. But my anxiety didn’t protect me from bad things happening. It just meant I didn’t feel connected to a lot of the fun things in life.

I think naturally positive people are just happier in general. One of my dsis is naturally a glass half empty person. She doesn't suffer from depression but immediately suspects the worst outcome of every situation. She has always been like this. I've another dsis who is the opposite. She finds the silver lining in every situation no matter how crappy.
It's a lovely trait to have I've always thought.

Self care is a very important aspect of happiness. I know if l don't get enough sleep, or don't eat properly, and skip exercise it will definitely affect my mood.Also reading up on how to maybe respond to things differently, change your perspective,. Life shouldn't be a constant worry and most of us are guilty of taking it far too seriously.. I don't think it's about feeling constantly happy or optimistic but a knowing that whatever life throws at you you 'll be ok.

OP, what are you anxious about?

Are you failing your expectations or somebody elses?
Definitely visit GP and if you could access some counselling to get to the root of the problem that would be great.

What brings you joy and sense of fulfilment? Something that benefits only you and not the family? How do you relax? Do you eat and sleep well?

There are some things you can change and some that you have to accept and adapt accordingly.

Thank you so much for all the helpful comments, I’ve just finished reading them!

I feel like I have a constant wave of anxiety running through me really, which spikes in certain situations - I have terrible social anxiety for one thing, so before meeting someone I get worked up and very nervous.

Also the smallest things cause a spike - like wondering how I’m going to fit everything in each day, long car journeys and the responsibility of driving my DC, not meeting work deadlines, the house being a mess. Even the thought of going to the supermarket can stress me out - I get really anxious (like heart racing) when trying to find everything I need, and then worrying that there might be a big queue at the checkout whilst DC are getting bored.

And then there are the bigger things - what to do about the future (we’re thinking of moving house soon for DC’s schools but have no idea where to go); worrying about losing DH if god forbid his health failed; worrying about the DC a lot and fearing that I’m not giving them the best start in life; worrying about money as our jobs are relatively precarious though good for now.

Despite the fact that everything is actually ok in this particular moment, I struggle to switch off all these constant thoughts racing through my mind and just enjoy that everything is ok now.

This sounds bonkers, but please read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

He does a podcast with Oprah, too, called Essential Teachings. It’s so helpful.

I’d see your GP for a prescription, too.

Citalopram has been a life saver for me. Also the book "Stop Thinking, Start Living" by Richard Carlson helped me. The basic idea of this is that we can become consumed by dwelling on our anxiety and depressing thoughts, and create a vicious circle for ourselves. It's probably not for everyone but it helped me, so worth a try OP? Good luck

I think the answer is "up to a point" tbh.

Its certainly a mindset not something achieved by meeting objective external criteria.

A lot of people have completely unreasonable expectations of both themselves and everyone else, and life in general, and are unhappy with situations which other people would be content with.

Contentment is also the pragmatic objective - expecting to be actively happy all the time is unrealistic and leads to discontent and more unhappiness!

If you're anxious and worried rather than discontented though you need to seek strategies - either through self help or outside help via GP or therapy, to manage that. It sounds harsh but it isn't fair at all to make others miserable because you feel anxious about things which are part of everyday life, if its at all possible for you, you need to find strategies to manage your own anxiety.

It’s something you can teach yourself but it’s hard work and you have to work on it everyday. Try listening to the happiness podcast on BBC sounds.

I think you can learn to be content. You can't be happy all the time imo.

What I told my teen DD which helped her is to imagine the worst realistic outcome (not catastrophising! So what would happen if you did fail the exam? Not what would happen if you had a catestrophic accident on the way to the exam) and then think through what exactly you'd do if that happens - retake in November for the exam scenario or whatever.

Once you've got a strategy for the worst realistic case scenario, its far easier to go calmly into the situation that's worrying you, and every outcome is going to be better than the one you've got a plan B for, so you know its going to be ok.

This is my understanding of what stoicism really is tbh - not stiff upper lip at all!

It really helped my worrier DD and helps me too - the other day I was on my own in charge of three adults with learning disabilities, one of whom has challenging behaviour, on a day trip 40 miles from their supported living facility, and we were on a boat trip when the ticket seller helpfully checked with me whether I'd paid for the disabled bay I'd parked their mini bus in. Id displayed the disabled parking permit but not seen a sign saying that I had to pay. I started worrying that the bus would be towed so I planned in my head what I'd do if it had been (taxi to station, train to nearest direct connection to their home, call colleagues - I knew the colleague on duty was alone so couldn't collect us so was thinking through who might help etc.) Once I had a plan I was able to put the worry out of my mind, and the fact that the bus was still there seemed like a massive positive outcome - as we approached I was quite happily wxpecting a ticket - that seemed a happy outcome, so when there was no fine either I was properly pleased

Obviously that isn't useful for clinical level anxiety until its under control with outside help (medication, therapy) but its useful for people who worry...

@lljkk

I'll get flamed, I know.

I can't help but observe that some of the most anxious people I know cling to their anxiety as a kind of comfort blanket. They would see it as morally wrong not to care that much, and the anxiety is so familiar to them that they find it easier to have the anxiety as a constant assurance that they are trying to fix their lives -- rather than shrug & let go of control.

There are tangled up issues like trauma & abuse often in their background. Which is part of their insecurity that they are convinced it's not ok to "let go" of worries. Anyway, at the root of the anxiety is a deep insecurity that has nothing to do with the stated problem they are obsessing about.

Nothing worth flaming here.

Recognising and addressing unhelpful beliefs about worry is actually a core component of the evidence based treatment for anxiety offered on the NHS (CBT).

For example some people believe that worrying shows they care, and being a worrier is such an integral part of their personality as a parent (for example) they struggle to let go of it because they feel it means they don't actually care about others. In reality you can care without worrying, and worrying is a mental behaviour that doesn't actually cause any positive effect to others. This is often rooted in early experiences, witnessing close family being worriers, messaging from childhood such as 'I only worry because I care!' 'text me when you get home safe or I won't be able to sleep!' and so forth.

Another belief is that worry can help to guard you against painful emotions. 'If I worry about my husband leaving me then at least if it happens it won't hurt as much because I'm expecting it'. Most people find that in reality painful life events hurt just as much whether you spent years dreading them in advance or not. And as there's no guarantee of these things happening, in actual fact you end up worrying about numerous terrifying outcomes, the vast majority of which never come, which causes distress in the here and now.

There are others. One of the biggest challenges in helping somebody learn how to worry less is trying to challenge the belief that worrying is a necessary and helpful part of life. If you think something is useful, you're going to keep doing it.

Happy to provide a link to some really good, free, self help materials for Generalised Anxiety Disorder if anyone reading this is experiencing excessive worry.

@nothappy2021

Thank you so much for all the helpful comments, I’ve just finished reading them!

I feel like I have a constant wave of anxiety running through me really, which spikes in certain situations - I have terrible social anxiety for one thing, so before meeting someone I get worked up and very nervous.

Also the smallest things cause a spike - like wondering how I’m going to fit everything in each day, long car journeys and the responsibility of driving my DC, not meeting work deadlines, the house being a mess. Even the thought of going to the supermarket can stress me out - I get really anxious (like heart racing) when trying to find everything I need, and then worrying that there might be a big queue at the checkout whilst DC are getting bored.

And then there are the bigger things - what to do about the future (we’re thinking of moving house soon for DC’s schools but have no idea where to go); worrying about losing DH if god forbid his health failed; worrying about the DC a lot and fearing that I’m not giving them the best start in life; worrying about money as our jobs are relatively precarious though good for now.

Despite the fact that everything is actually ok in this particular moment, I struggle to switch off all these constant thoughts racing through my mind and just enjoy that everything is ok now.

Have you self referred to your local IAPT for CBT therapy for excessive worry and anxiety?

Happy to provide some self help materials you can work through in the meantime if you're recognising this is a problem and ready to work on it. You don't have to live like this.

@nothappy2021 Sertraline is the best antidepressant for anxiety that I've found. (everyones different other antidepressants are available).
The first fortnight on it was shit, insomnia dodgy guts and then in week 3/4 I woke up and it was as if something was missing and the world seemed 'bigger' somehow, that was due to my anxiety being controlled and it was phenomenal.
The depression took a few more weeks to lift but the difference having low anxiety (and being able to manage the anxiety I did have) had on my outlook and levels of optimism was better than any illegal drug I've ever had, and I've had most of them.

I don't skip about singing and I still have a base mood that isn't 'happy' but I'm not stressed or dreading the future, it's a tiny difference but it's actually huge.