Is happiness a choice?

[nothappy2021]

Is happiness perception and/or is happiness a choice?

I’m a very anxious person (and have become even worse since having my DC), to the point where it’s ruining my marriage as my DH is struggling to cope. I want to be happy but just feel like my default setting is to be anxious, worried and down. I can’t seem to get out of that mindset.

My question is, can you force yourself to be happy and less anxious by trying to see the positive in everything and just having a general “don’t give a shit” attitude? I’ve tried but can’t seem to stick at it for long and just sink back into feeling low. Am I just not trying hard enough? How can I change my mindset?

I think you’re giving yourself a hard time. It’s very hard to feel ‘happy’ when you have anxiety. You can’t trick yourself out of anxiety you need to get some help for it.

I suffered from it for a long time and finally got help. Ive gone from being someone who was constantly worried about everything, which in turn made me depressed, to someone who is content and resilient.

It all took a lot of therapy and wasn’t a matter of forcing myself to be happy/not anxious.

I really feel for you as it can be completely overwhelming. But it is doable with help x

It really isn't about learning to "not give a shit". It's about finding the right combination of therapy, self help and medication for you. Keep an open mind to medication, it doesn't mean you're giving up or can't cope. It's a strong choice to make, to help reset a chemical imbalance and usually a short term solution to lift you enough to engage with other therapies.

I've succumbed to PND and anxiety this time sound and Richard Carlson's books are helping (Stop Thinking...). I've booked hypnotherapy and separate CBT to start this week,as I just don't want this to overshadow life with my children. It's awful.

You deserve and absolutely can feel better, but depression and anxiety are not your fault or your choice. It's not black and white.

Thanks everyone. I haven’t tried medication - is there one pill that helps both anxiety and depression? Or do they tend to be one or the other?
DH has been on sertraline for both for over 10 years. He is only on small dose but it keeps him ticking over

If happiness was a choice we would all be happy all of the time.
Happiness also means different things to different people.

Yes. There are lots of strategies and being content or happy makes you happier. Good evidence that those who smile more (even if forced) end up happier. Laughing is good for you.

Clearly there are some with significant depression who need medical intervention though.

Try reading some of Seneca's Letters, or one of the recent guides to stoicism.

I think what’s helpful is to recognise what’s going on first. So, are you anxious because something really stressful is happening, or are you anxious even tho mostly things are ok. Then, look at what you’re doing to help/hinder it. Eg, if you know that gardening helps but reading the news makes you feel worse, then are you making sure that you do the things that make you feel better. What helps ease the anxiety, what makes it worse? Thirdly, have you had any kind of therapy? CBT, ACT, whatever? I really did find a beauty diary helped. Might not work for you, but my counsellor once said to me that I have to notice three beautiful things a day. The light on tree leaves, a bird, whatever it is. There is also lots of research to show that exercise helps! It’s not a quick fix at all. And finally, don’t be put off by set backs. I find that separating the anxiety out from me helps. So just saying, ‘oh, there’s that stupid anxiety again. Wish it would piss off.’

You have to find what works for you and then keep at it. Don’t give up. You have to reroute those neural pathways and that takes time.

I think it's not about choosing happiness or feigning positivity but about notifying happy things or feelings and embracing it. Pathetic but if I'm folding clothes and something sparks a memory I'll really feel that memory and enjoy it and it makes the task more pleasurable. But that's if you're doing well with your mental health you can notice the nice emotions and appreciate them when they come and adapt. We've 3 small dc and sometimes nice plans don't work out so we need to realise we're having nice moments when they arise.

But I couldn't do that a few years ago when I wasn't sleeping and was feeling so low. I had such negative thoughts about myself and everything, even nice memories made me feel crap because I wasn't happy now if that makes sense. I saw someone and had 2 sessions and got my son sleeping (sleep training) and never looked back, so I reckon however I was feeling was mild. I don't know how people who have it worse get through the day, I've such respect for people battling depression.

It is possible to get out of anxiety and depression, but it can take a long time and trying all kinds of different things before you find one the thing that is going to work for you.

What works for someone else isn’t necessarily going to work for you.

I had extremely debilitating anxiety for about six years, and thought I would never be able to get better, but eventually a combination of things did work, including finding the right counsellor. I had to be keep on trying many different things to get to that point, and went through many things that didn’t work.

There are isn’t a magic piece of advice that will work for every single person.

I am now happy almost all of the time, and it is wonderful.

happiness is a transient feeling.
it comes then it goes.
it's not something anyone can be all the time so aiming to be happy perpetually is the wrong mission, because it's impossible.

being content is the better idea.

The brain learns how to do things, it follows patterns and routines. Think of things like tying your shoe laces, driving the car- much of it is automatic and needs little attention. While you are learning the skill it's arduous and takes a lot of practice.

If you default to looking at problems and negatives, it takes serious sustained effort to shift that pattern. You can do it though.
Gratitude journal helps you practise for a few minutes a day. Build new routines where you do a gratitude journal every evening, a promises/affirmations journal in the morning, and a few other points in the day. As you do it, it gets easier.

I think that’s the key, like other people have said, different things work for different people. And keep plugging away. Don’t aim for happiness but it’s a temporary emotion. Also, don’t aim to never be anxious. That’s not realistic. What you can aim for, is for the anxiety not to dominate your life.

Books that helped me - brene brown. Her books on vulnerability.
Eckhart (sp?) Tolle. Books on living in the now.

For me anti depressants have definitely helped. I think medication can be a good foundation for moving forward. I think there is also an element of just surrendering to life. Anxiety is often about not feeling in control of this or that. So you worry and ruminate on the what if’s. But actually it serves no real purpose other than to make you anxious. Which then makes you more anxious and so on. I’ve taught myself to just let go. If there is an issue of some sort I think ok is there anything practical I can do about this right now? If the answer is no, I leave it to sort itself out. I live by “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it”. But anti depressants did give me the mental head space to be able to take that approach.

Once your head is “clear” you then have room to enjoy the little things. Things like having a coffee in the garden and reading on a sunny day, bring me happiness. It doesn’t need to be big things. But you can’t enjoy those things if you are constantly worrying and anxious.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling low OP. I think you've had some great advice on here already.
This may be trite but I think keeping your brain active with positive things can really help keep the swirling never ending anxious thoughts at bay.
It's a bit like the gratitude/ beauty journal idea in a way I suppose. Finding something that interests you, and only you, and exploring it can really give your mind a sort of respite

For me those things are - history - I might see something in a film / newspaper etc & realise i don't really know anything about it so ill look it up on my phone or laptop. This may lead to buying a book or planning (sometimes imaginary, sometimes actual ) visits to a place to see it - I've gone down several rabbit holes this way - imperial Russian history etc
Art - I love looking at art & again reading up on it & what it means & what the lives of the artist was like
Poetry - I don't read poetry everyday but I frequently do & it's power is incredible to transport me from my everyday mundane
Gardening - I love looking at images of gorgeous gardens & imaging creating one like that. This has led to a very very slow improvement in our own garden which in turn has made it a nicer place to out when the weather allows
Reading- I read a huge amount. But it's in fits & starts. I'm not in a reading phase right now because work is very intense & pressured & I'm carrying a lot of responsibility & my brain feels overloaded. But there are other times when I read voraciously & it really takes me out of my own life

I think what I'm saying in a long winded way is trying to ensure that you find a way to carve out or nurture a rich inner life somehow.

My mother suffered crippling anxiety throughout my childhood & she was unwilling/ unable to seek any help for it. It made for a very stressful childhood for me. I 'escaped' into my own world through books / art etc & it showed me that there was SO much more to life than the day to day drudge. I still rely heavily on it today & I am almost 50 now.

It's easy to lose yourself when you have a baby / young child but I think it's so important to carve out that space to allow yourself to dream / imagine / be awed by something new. It keeps you alive (well, keeps me alive!)

This may be of no use to you, but it helped me when I had to readjust to being a mother to young dc & felt overwhelmed by it all.

Good luck OP

Permanent happiness is not a natural state for huan beings. It's anxiety that keeps us alive, finds us food and shelter. I do think we need to accept that we're not supposed to happy all the time.

There is a large element of being happy with what you've got, some people are never going to be happy because it seems they always want more, whilst others can be content with very little.

I think all kinds of trauma in the past can make life very hard, but do remember very clearly the moment when I decided not to care so much. I was very young and would over think friendships and imagined slights until I was unhappy and often not very nice to be around. I was walking up a hill, I remember, with some friends and the red mist was descending because I thought they were treating me unfairly. I don't know where it came from but I remember thinking, "stop caring, what does it matter" and from that moment on I've worried far less what other people think and enjoyed their company in the moment rather than worrying over whether they like me, if they're good friends etc.

I've lowered my expectations of others, which MN will say is wrong, and become far more self sufficient and happier.

I still have times when it's hard, but I can physically give myself a shake and move on. Literally shake the thoughts out of my head.

This is probably over simplistic but I like the NHS 'Five ways to wellbeing'.

I've noticed that the people I know with best mental health and the most positive outlook seem to do all five naturally, as a matter of course.

Five ways to wellbeing

I don’t think it’s a black and white yes or no answer. I do think that yes sometimes how you choose to view the world can impact your happiness levels, but equally there are so many things beyond our control which cause difficulty that you can’t ‘positive think’ your way out of everything. And mental health issues are complex, living with trauma is hard and weighs you down. We don’t all start life on equal footing and our resilience/coping levels are all different. What might be a small setback for one person could be monumental for someone else.
I don’t know what the answer is really. I do think taking pleasure in the little things, setting your own boundaries and living your life for yourself (and your family) can help. But I know it’s not always easy.

I think you can train yourself to have a more positive outlook on life using cbt and other techniques. I often jump to worst case but now force myself to think what could go well,how likely is worst case etc. Cant do it when I have periods of poor mental health though so sounds like getting some proper help might be a good step first rather than beating yourself up for not being happy. Hope you find more happiness soon.

Wow, you’ve given yourself a big stick with which to beat yourself up. There’s some excellent advice on this thread, including the NHS 5 ways.

Something that really helped me was actively practicing noticing good things, however tiny, until it became a habit.
I write them down every day, often as Reasons to be cheerful 1,2,3. It can be a really good cup of tea, or a flower blooming, or your child doing homework willingly. Big or small, try to notice. That got me in the habit of automatically seeing loads of tiny good things, which helped with the overwhelming sense that things were scary or bad. I definitely perceive the world more positively now.

Yes.
I'm a self trained happy person. ☺
Read William Glassiers "choice theory" by the end you'll be aware and make little positive choices while owning the negative ones.
You'll feel in control it'll boost your confidence.

And mental health issues are complex, living with trauma is hard and weighs you down. We don’t all start life on equal footing and our resilience/coping levels are all different. What might be a small setback for one person could be monumental for someone else.
Definitely. Finding your limits helps.

there one pill that helps both anxiety and depression? Or do they tend to be one or the other?
Yes steralyn. That and my choice theory book saved my life.
Sorry for bombarding the thread.

@nothappy2021

Thanks everyone. I haven’t tried medication - is there one pill that helps both anxiety and depression? Or do they tend to be one or the other?

I know I need to take action, because I can’t bear to drag my DH down any longer. It’s got to the point where he won’t tell me stuff and because he worries about my anxiety. I also want to be a positive and happy role model for my DC, not an anxious miserable mess

Yep - sertraline for me. Life changing! I thought I had a low 'happiness setting'', but my baseline is now pretty much 10/10 contentedness. I'd encourage you to speak to the GP. You don't have to live like this!