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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blocked her on what’s app

103 replies

musthavebeenlove · 28/06/2021 02:59

My DD lives on the other side of the world.
We have a difficult relationship and I think she’s solely to blame for this because she’s so difficult! Today I noticed that I couldn’t see her profile photo on what’s app any longer, I sent her a message about this but she was probably asleep as it was 4 in the morning where she lives, so when she didn’t respond after 5 minutes, I asked someone that said she must have deleted me as a contact, so I sent her ‘I have been told that you deleted me as s contact’ then I blocked her because I was upset/ wanted to teach her a lesson. She will see this when she wakes up but be unable to respond!

Was I BU?

This is a reverse Sad

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 28/06/2021 08:05

@musthavebeenlove

Nope, I am actually considering blocking her too but not sure if I should as I consider it a very immature thing to do.
Don't do this because you will feed her drama. Mute her notifications on WhatsApp. Don't read or reply to her "dramatic timeline" email. Set up a filter to either send her emails to junk mail or create a folder to send alllll of her emails.

You live in different countries, so you can remove yourself from this drama & toxicity.
Enjoy your peaceful life

ThePlantsitter · 28/06/2021 08:05

I would block her now and pretend that WhatsApp in Australia went down so she's had a whole little psychodrama completely on her own without you knowing about it. You could pretend to yourself that's what happened too OP. In fact maybe WhatsApp never will start working again in Australia, eh?

VeganCow · 28/06/2021 08:09

Regardless of whether or not she would be on her best behaviour with your child, do you really want him to grow up witnessing this narcissistic behaviour and treatment of you, his mother? Thats damging too. I would block her and NC from now on.

candyflossss · 28/06/2021 08:10

people saying grow up etc. have a word with yourselves, not every thread on here needs your derision thanks.

this poster clearly has a very dysfunctional relationship with their mum and some of the things their mum does is emotionally abusive (sulking/ignoring when they believe you've done something).

OP it must be hard but honestly I would let your mum get on with her little act, she wants you to be worrying and trying to get in contact. it's not normal behaviour.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/06/2021 08:11

My advice would be to block her (she's already blocked you so it really doesn't matter if you send her a huge text or two letters in a text she won't get them).
Then when she does finally come to her senses, you will have her blocked and you won't be impacted by the fall out.
Don't go low contact, go NO contact.
That's my advice.

Lalliella · 28/06/2021 08:29

I’m so sorry you have this toxic person in your life. Agree with other posters that she’s a narcissist. It’s very sad when a family member is like this because our tendency is to try to preserve the relationship because she’s family. But if a friend treated you like this you would block them and move on without a second’s thought. We can choose our friends but we can’t choose our family. But we can choose whether to have toxic people who are bad for our mental health in our lives. It might be time to stop contact with your mother OP for your own good.

And please ignore the victim blamers on this thread, they’re the ones that need to grow up.

Lalliella · 28/06/2021 08:31

I would send her an email explaining what you’ve said here about the photo and tell her you’re no longer prepared to put up with her nonsense so she needs to stop doing things like this or you’ll block her permanently.

Thatswatshesaid · 28/06/2021 08:33

Change phone numbers.
Why do you want contact with her?

Lalliella · 28/06/2021 08:33

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

How old are you 12? Grow up Biscuit
There are some people on this thread who need to grow up, and it’s not the OP.

I remember the thread your username comes from. The fact that you’re still using it shows what an insensitive and devoid of all reasonable judgement person you are.

BlackAlys · 28/06/2021 08:48

This reply has been deleted

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MzHz · 28/06/2021 08:54

@Notwavingbutdrowing3

Yanbu But you don't have to respond to your DM's drama She sounds exhausting and melodramatic (not in an entertaining but frustrating way)

I'd send email with the explanation, but also add you're not going to respond to any more drama texts

Then stick to it

Ignore any she sends that are weird and unhealthy - archive them. Let her block and unblock as she pleases.
Respond only to nice texts she sends, keep it LC. You're the other side of the world , use that.

Ime she'll turn the energy she wastes inherent one way battling you , into targeting someone else. Definitely worth hiking the stately homes thread, it's all about parents.

If she ever asks, just say "i archive all your rants now, no one reads them mum. It's for the best" and say that to your siblings if they ask. Walk away, shut down any conversations that descend into drama, archive and ignore /don't respond. Pretend you knew nothing about any of it and keep it all surface convos.

Textbook advice for dealing with a mother like yours @musthavebeenlove

Thank god you’re literally on the other side of the planet to her

This is NOT your fault love, email her and explain and inform her that you won’t be responding to any more drama

And stick to it.

frumpety · 28/06/2021 09:01

I would message back 'Mum, you know the time difference between the countries we live in, I wouldn't expect you to be awake to see a message at 4 am'
Mine can be a bit like this, we had some issues with her last year and in the end I just wrote a very factual and calm reply, stating what I was and wasn't able to do in the situation. I basically said no to her irrational demands, but let her know what I was willing to do to help. She was not happy, but I did not give in on this occasion which is what she is used to happening. She is more wary now, if she starts you can see her pulling back because she knows I will simply walk away. The fear is gone.

emmetgirl · 28/06/2021 09:02

You have my sympathy. I had a very traumatic relationship with my M. It caused me a great deal of emotional and psychological damage. I finally went virtually NC for the last couple of years of her life because I was tired of my phone having become my enemy and I finally came to terms with the fact she would never change.
It sounds a terrible thing to say but since she died I'm much less anxious and my life is better.
It sounds like you may have to cut this woman out of your life for your own well being.
She may be your mother but you are under no obligation to put up with her shit.
Good luck xx

Seesawmummadaw · 28/06/2021 09:06

I don’t understand why you wrote the op as a reverse?

butterpuffed · 28/06/2021 09:08

It would be interesting to hear the other side of the story , simply because it's very odd to start a thread, saying it's a reverse. Why ?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 28/06/2021 09:15

The other side of the story may well be that the mother has a narcissistic personality disorder. We rarely ever know the other side of the story on MN, but you shouldn't imply that the OP has necessarily
done something to deserve this treatment. Some parents are just bloody unpleasant and unreasonable, and their children are certainly not capable of changing them. Hard to imagine I know when you come from a loving and rational background.

comebacksunshines · 28/06/2021 09:16

@Seesawmummadaw

I don’t understand why you wrote the op as a reverse?
Because growing up with a manipulative parent like the one described, tends to make you doubt your own judgement.
Original poster
musthavebeenlove · 28/06/2021 09:20

@butterpuffed

It would be interesting to hear the other side of the story , simply because it's very odd to start a thread, saying it's a reverse. Why ?
I understand that @butterpuffed.

The reason why I wrote it as a reverse is because I was interested to see if people would understand my mother’s behavior if it was written from her perspective. I was genuinely interested if posters would see any justification for her behavior because she is so convinced of herself that I sometimes wonder if I’m missing something. If I’m not overreacting. If she’s just a human being who makes understandable mistakes and perhaps I am being too sensitive. Sorry if this makes no sense at all but it’s hard for me to put the doubt that I feel about this in words.

OP posts:
ihatethefuckingmuffin · 28/06/2021 09:21

Sounds like mine. Finally plucked up the courage to go nc with her after years of low contact and her rarely seeing my dc's as She has a preference for boys, hence I'm a massive disappointment to her and the sun shines out of the arse of my criminal brother.

For other reasons I changed my number. If she was bothered she could write to me, email even a fb message although never had her as a friend on there. Well not on my real account which she knew it was a bs account created to placate her lol. Anyway, the number change resulted in her getting arrested for wasting police time when she asked them to knock on my door to tell me my mum had died. Whilst police were here my brother called and I was like omg I've just heard jumping up and down inside and put her on the phone. When the cow made that call she told them she was my mum's friend and I had no other family and she couldn't get into my mum's phone to get my number.

Booboobadoo · 28/06/2021 09:26

Think about what you want to do and do that. And don't feel rushed. I doubt you'll be able to have an interaction with her based in any sort of logic. In all honesty I don't think it matters what you do or don't do, she will think whatever it is she is thinking irrespective of what you do. It's easy for me to say, but try to let it wash over you. Try to detach from her wanting a reaction and you feeling you need to provide one.

ihtwsf · 28/06/2021 09:26

You really should have just written it from your point of view rather than the very confusing reverse post and then explaining in a later post. You might get skewed replies because of this.

Frankly, I would just block her on WhatsApp and leave her blocked. It's not like that is the only way she can contact you.
Take the control back - she thinks she is in control by blocking you to punish you for something you have supposedly done to offend her and then unblocking you again when she thinks enough time has elapsed or you have made up for whatever you supposedly did.
Block and leave her blocked.

Oriunda · 28/06/2021 09:28

“Part of the reasons why I’m hesitant to go NC because she’s also DS’s grandmother and I know she loves him.”

It’s not about her though, and irrelevant whether she loves your son. She should love you. Your son would be just fine without her.

I went LC/grey rock with my mother last year, after a final spiteful message, and it was the best thing I’ve done.

She’s not attempted once to call my son (I wouldn’t have denied her that) and it’s always been down to me to send her a video message from him, or a card. She clearly doesn’t love him enough to want to contact him. My son doesn’t even notice she’s not been on the scene, and I’m saving him from her inevitable toxicity when he changes from the cute, malleable child stage that she likes, to a non-compliant tween.

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 09:31

Part of the reasons why I’m hesitant to go NC because she’s also DS’s grandmother and I know she loves him.

She presumably loves you, her daughter, too.
Doesn't stop her treating you like shit though, does it?

And it isn't about her. It's about DS's (& your) wellbeing.
Her brand of 'love' doesn't confer access rights.
Especially if she's likely to subject DS to similar manipulations.

Cam2020 · 28/06/2021 09:31

WTF? You mother sounds insane! I very much doubt you are the 'difficult' one in this relationship
Flowers

Treezan82 · 28/06/2021 09:33

I honestly believe that everyone deserves a strong, positive and supportive relationship with their parent. It is so incredibly important throughout a person's entire life and something a person should be able to commit to before continuing with a pregnancy and having a child. I am really sorry you don't have this, it must be incredibly hard. I think it is probably best to go NC now, as hard as that will be. It just isn't in your control to have a good relationship with her. Best of luck for the future.