Blocked her on what’s app

[musthavebeenlove]

My DD lives on the other side of the world.
We have a difficult relationship and I think she’s solely to blame for this because she’s so difficult! Today I noticed that I couldn’t see her profile photo on what’s app any longer, I sent her a message about this but she was probably asleep as it was 4 in the morning where she lives, so when she didn’t respond after 5 minutes, I asked someone that said she must have deleted me as a contact, so I sent her ‘I have been told that you deleted me as s contact’ then I blocked her because I was upset/ wanted to teach her a lesson. She will see this when she wakes up but be unable to respond!

Was I BU?

This is a reverse

That sounds harsh OP.

Does she drink do you know? Sounds like a rash drunken decision on her part. I suppose if she has always been toxic then maybe not.

Have you had any counselling to try and move on without her?

Interesting post @eekbumbler as I hadn’t actually considered that alcohol might have played a role but now that you mention it, yes she has become nasty and launched a few very vicious verbal attacks on me in the past after a she has had few glasses of wine. She would then suddenly turn on me, seemingly out of nowhere. I remember at least twice occasions where she nearly reduced me to tears whilst having a meal out this happens out of nowhere. But she has been mean on other occasions too without as much as a single drop of alcohol being involved.

That’s got to be tough having such a relationship and the impact on you. Sounds like she’s likely to twist anything. As you’re in email contact perhaps send a short message saying
“sorry, was fast asleep when you texted at 4am my time.. I deleted my photo as needed something more professional re job hunting purposes. Not sure why you blocked me. If you’d prefer no contact with me or my family then this might be for the best”

My toxic narcacistic mother used to cut me off for “transgressions”. Would sulk/punish me for a bit until she’d reappear as if nothing had happened. Going no contact permanently with her was the best thing I ever did. You ought to come to the .stately homes threads in relationships.

Reversing posts is just confusing.

Your mother sounds like a narcissist, just like mine. This is very very familiar! She thinks I’m very difficult too and has done very hurtful things in the past but I’m learning to ignore and get on with my life. You have the added bonus of being far away!
There is no point trying to talk to her about any of this, is there?
Solidarity - I know exactly what you’re going through, the pattern is just so similar..

Don't reply, don't engage (with this or the inevitable email rant that follows). Would you put up with this shit from someone else? No? Then apply the same thinking here. If you have blocked her on WA I'd unblock her so she doesn't have more to rant about, but that's about all I'd do.

I have a difficult mother (living on the other side of the world, thankfully). I keep communication very light and if she starts with her tricks I don't engage at all. She wants to be in my life/her GC's, she can act like a normal human being.

Grab the opportunity with both hands and go nc. I guarantee life will be easier. Do you really want her having contact with your dc given her behaviour towards you?

God, honestly don't let her back in.
No one deserves the things she does to you. Copping the hump and blocking you at 4am just shows that she didn't even want a response.
She didn't give it until 8/9/10 in the morning, for you to wake, sort out the pressing matters like, presumably setting up your child for the day, and then having the time to respond.

What was important to her was her "right" to throw her weight around. It's just another reason to attack and bully, which people like that will always do.

It doesn't even make sense that she would send messages to someone who she thinks has blocked her, including that she was blocking them back.

Exactly this @Fuckitfuckit. She didn’t give me time to respond but just assumed the worst about me and then blocked me as a fuck you. Not the behavior that anyone wants from their DM.

Block her as well
Don’t reply to any emails, don’t contact her

I know you said she loves your son but that’s irrelevant- she doesn’t act kindly towards you

I've been NC with my DM for nearly a year now, after a lifetime of head-fuckery.

I still think of her and feel guilt (we are well trained) but also with a real sense of longing. I only ever wanted a normal relationship with her.

Hand on heart, I've never laughed out loud with her, never truly relaxed (always on guard, always tensed and ready to explain myself, always waiting for the imagined offence I or someone else has caused her. It's been exhausting. Your DM is using social media to 'punish you' for her perceived hurt at you 'offending' her. She sounds hard work.

The Stately Homes board helps you see through the confusion. Perhaps pop over there.

I had deleted my profile photo as I’m job hunting, my phone number is on my cv so I might be added as a what’s app contact by recruiters that save my number in their phone. My old what’s app profile photo wasn’t really a professional one. I don’t have any recent ones that’s not a photo with DS or DH/ a holiday photo or selfie so I decided to delete my profile photo and ask DH to make a new one in a nice shirt/neutral make up in front of a white wall etc. when he comes home from work and use that one.

Copy, paste into an email then send. Job done.
She will unblock you. Continue to do LC.

Alternatively, do what she thinks you already have done and block all contact, divert emails etc and be the 'bad guy' you have been laelled as. But be aware going NC takes a lot of out of you too.

She needs to grow up. Leave her to it op alot less drama and stress in your life. Guarantee you will be happier.

As someone who has grown up in a toxic relationship with my mother, I could have written your posts in the past. I just wanted to give you my full sympathy. It is just exhausting. Totally and utterly soul destroyingly exhausting.
I have also considered NC but the thing that stopped me was my children and not feeling I could destroy a relationship between my children and their Grandmother.
I started therapy a few years ago and genuinely it’s really really helped. It’s helped me let go of a lot of pent up anger and resentment towards her. It has helped me see her for what she is and stopped me worrying that I am the cause. Our relationship has improved as I think I feel less consumed by the drama of it. I am much happier, and it has helped me make positive changes in other parts of my life too. My self esteem has massively improved.
I just wanted to give you hope that things can improve and you can escape this endless cycle without necessarily going NC. The times I went NC it would just eat away at me so it never really solved it for me.
Wishing you all the best. Xxx

She sounds like my mother. Easily offended. Zero self awareness. Always hurting me though, asking me why i look like a dogs dinner. Bon Courage op.

You have a break from her now 💐🍷

@musthavebeenlove

Thanks everyone for the supportive messages. I have been told by her so often that I’m the difficult one that sometimes it’s very hard for me to know if I deserve this kind of treatment or not. Actually, rationally I KNOW she’s in the wrong but a little voice inside of me keeps telling me otherwise. Your support means a lot to me. I really mean that.

This sounds extraordinarily like my mother. She's a narcissist (I'm not just throwing that term around)

Strong boundaries are key. Mine is dreadful and I am able to smooth over a lot of the bumps in person, it would be awful having a relationship across the world!

If it were mine I would email

"Hi Mum,

Sorry I was asleep when you were messaging me this morning. My profile picture was removed from my own profile as I need to sort out a professional one for job hunting. Of course you are still a contact on my whatsapp, you are my Mum!

I hope you're ok. You'd have laughed yesterday as grandson did X then Y. Things are ok here, job hunting going ok but slow. There are a few that I'm keen so keep your fingers crossed for me!

Speak soon, will probably call on Wednesday if I can through Whatsapp."

Give no inches, offer space for her to walk back what she has said and done.

Long term consider counselling and whether you need to have a relationship with her.

If she's like this with you then there must be a high chance that she will be like this with your son, particularly the older he gets. Worth thinking about how to protect him as well as yourself.

I sent her a message about this but she was probably asleep as it was 4 in the morning where she lives, so when she didn’t respond after 5 minutes

The family members we are no longer in contact with did very similar things.

One would send abusive (probably drunken or drug-fuelled) messages late at night and in the early hours of the morning. The other two would think that making 20 calls and sending 20 message in the space of half an hour, ranging from "Hi it's me" to "WHY ARE YOU IGNORING US WE ARE DONE WITH YOU!" because they hadn't had an instant reply. Often we were at work and hadn't seen the first message or missed call, let alone all the ones that rapidly followed, calling us all sorts of names for 'ignoring' them.

she has blocked me, as she has done already many times in the past. Usually to show me that she was upset with me over some reason.

It's a way of controlling and punishing you and keeping you behaving as she wants. It's manipulative.

I’m afraid that in a few days she’ll send me one of her long emails with a very dramatic timeline description / analysis of our difficult relationship or she’ll send me a message to say she wants to go no contact with me.

This proves the blocking is part of her control strategy. Because she's then going to get in touch with you again and blame you for making her block you in the first place.

You've deleted a photograph on social media. Her response to this is extreme and not normal.

Her emails to you are scapegoating and part of the DARVO process - Deny, And Reverse Victim Order - she's manipulating you with these emails in the same way as she is manipulating you by blocking you.

I’ve gone LC with her in the past months as she’s still my mum but I’m considering NC now. Part of the reasons why I’m hesitant to go NC because she’s also DS’s grandmother and I know she loves him.

She may love him, but is she good for him? He's seeing what she does to you, he will be able to pick up on how you feel when you are with her, or when she pulls this crap on you. He's learning things from this. And they're not good things.

We cut off our family members and they've not seen our son since he was one year old. He hasn't missed out on any relationship with them because they are selfish people who would have caused him upset. No matter how much they might have loved him (and I'm not sure they are capable of love in a positive way) they are not good for him.

She gets on very well with my siblings and I haven’t seen her display this toxic behaviour towards my brothers, actually she favors them.

This is quite normal in toxic families. A golden child and a scapegoat child. Often the scapegoat is a girl.

If you haven't already done so, please read the Susan Forward books on Toxic Parents and Toxic In-Laws, and the book called But It's Your Family by Dr Sherrie Campbell. They both look at the family dynamics of toxic families.

It helped us very much. My husband is the only one of his siblings to go no contact, but one has emigrated, one has moved to the other end of the country, and the other is the one who sends us drunken abuse messages. They are all still in contact and still playing their parts in the family, and have blamed us / me for being the ones to stand up and say no. It's not an easy place to be in but once we took a step back we can see how hard they are all still working to keep the disfunction going and pretend it's all normal.

I'm so sorry she's done all this to you and treats you this way. It's not your fault. Let me ask, does she give you a version of "we would be a happy family if not for you?"

It hurts so much even when you know rationally that they have no self awareness, use defensiveness to avoid any difficult reality puncturing their rosy perception of themselves. Im 51 and I long to hear my mother admit that is possible that she could hurt me. She is so focused on how i hurt her.

That is a thread on its own. Im in therapy and it helps a lot but it still hurts.

I could never tell my mum ive seen/am seeing a therapist as she would be like "gotcha" knew you were the problem.

(She is perfect)

Ps, I cannot believe you are living in Australia!

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

How old are you 12? Grow up

This.

What a pair.

It’s not easy for many to have NC yet some give this advice as if it were so simple

My relationship with my mum is toxic I find keeping less contact and not telling her anything personal that is going on in my life helps. We see her maybe once every other month and that’s enough

She has no one else and I can’t quite shake the guilt of cutting her off completely so I haven’t but that more towards how my nanny would have felt than my feelings towards my mum

I do not turn to my mum for advice or reassurance of course at times I want to but i no longer do. It’s wasn’t an over night process to get here and is painful but I’m in a place now where I am ok with how things are

I know when my mum dies it shall be a relief to me

Yanbu

But you don't have to respond to your DM's drama
She sounds exhausting and melodramatic (not in an entertaining but frustrating way)

I'd send email with the explanation, but also add you're not going to respond to any more drama texts

Then stick to it

Ignore any she sends that are weird and unhealthy - archive them. Let her block and unblock as she pleases.
Respond only to nice texts she sends, keep it LC. You're the other side of the world , use that.

Ime she'll turn the energy she wastes inherent one way battling you , into targeting someone else. Definitely worth hiking the stately homes thread, it's all about parents.

If she ever asks, just say "i archive all your rants now, no one reads them mum. It's for the best" and say that to your siblings if they ask. Walk away, shut down any conversations that descend into drama, archive and ignore /don't respond. Pretend you knew nothing about any of it and keep it all surface convos.

She sounds like a c*. Be thankful you are now half way across the world from her and have her out of your life x