Do any of you enforce curfews on adult kids?

[Usernamesgain]

DS 20 lives at home and is getting later and later coming home. He works full time and has a really early start but is out most evenings until 11-12 and on weekends picking up mates and driving around until 2am some nights.
He’s constantly exhausted, comes in from work and falls asleep immediately until about 7pm when he goes out and drives around with mates again until late.
DH and I both work full time and it’s disturbing us, I can’t settle properly until he’s home and when he comes in he’s making some noise just opening and closing doors, using the bathroom etc.
I’ve tried reasoning with him, I don’t like to impose a curfew as he’s an adult but I am getting sick of this. Again this afternoon he went out bowling at 3pm saying ‘I won’t be late’ and here we are at 10.30 and he’s still not back.
There’s a small part of me that worries he’s had a car accident or something as he rarely responds to text messages either.

AIBU? Do you just let them get on with it?

the only rules i had while living with mom as an adult were

1. to tell her if i wouldn't be home by the time she went to bed at 11pm, and she would lock up and remember to take the key out.

2. to phone her at a reasonable time (Before 10pm) if i was going to end up being out all night/stay over somewhere instead of coming home.

3. to be quiet when i came in.

@Batsy

the only rules i had while living with mom as an adult were

1. to tell her if i wouldn't be home by the time she went to bed at 11pm, and she would lock up and remember to take the key out.

2. to phone her at a reasonable time (Before 10pm) if i was going to end up being out all night/stay over somewhere instead of coming home.

3. to be quiet when i came in.

And all of this seems perfectly reasonable.

He neesd to be more respectful. When i lived at home I paid rent, text my parents what time I would be home as it was politeness. their house.

You need to charge him rent OP, make him into an adult as you are doing him no favours babying him. Also need boundaries!

DD is 21 and comes and go as she pleases, is very quiet and respectful though and holds down a stressful job with long hours. I used to worry but now I don't, the only thing i ask if that she isn't coming home to sleep to text me and she always does.

My DD is 20 and has no curfew - hasn’t for years

She has to let me know at a reasonable time if she’s not coming home and be quiet when she comes in.

Tbh, I struggled to settle when she wasn’t home, but that was my problem and I had to get used to it.

I think that was partly why she’d wake me up when she came in - not that she was making unreasonable noise, but that I wasn’t properly asleep and had half an ear out for her if you see what I mean. I’ve got used to it and she doesn’t wake me anymore.

I think the "not being able to settle until he's in" thing is your problem not his. I get it, but I don't think it's really his responsibility to make you feel more secure.

But I think he needs to be quiet when he comes home, not because you're his parents but because you all live together. When my husband comes home and I'm sleeping he doesn't bang about, he quietly gets ready for bed. He needs to learn that while he's an adult and can do what he wants, he doesn't live alone so shouldn't be disturbing people's sleep.

*1) to tell her if i wouldn't be home by the time she went to bed at 11pm, and she would lock up and remember to take the key out.

2. to phone her at a reasonable time (Before 10pm) if i was going to end up being out all night/stay over somewhere instead of coming home.

3. to be quiet when i came in.*

This is exactly the rules we laid down for DD & TBF, bar a few early blips, she's always been very good with the first 2.

She's been rubbish with point 3 though & was frequently waking us up, especially not in when we are often awake at 5.30am. When we tried to talk to her about it, she was really arsey, rude & refused to change her behaviour. She was given the choice of a weekday curfew, or her being more thoughtful & quiet when she came in. Hence the curfew, which in fairness, she hasn't complained about.