Do any of you enforce curfews on adult kids?

[Usernamesgain]

DS 20 lives at home and is getting later and later coming home. He works full time and has a really early start but is out most evenings until 11-12 and on weekends picking up mates and driving around until 2am some nights.
He’s constantly exhausted, comes in from work and falls asleep immediately until about 7pm when he goes out and drives around with mates again until late.
DH and I both work full time and it’s disturbing us, I can’t settle properly until he’s home and when he comes in he’s making some noise just opening and closing doors, using the bathroom etc.
I’ve tried reasoning with him, I don’t like to impose a curfew as he’s an adult but I am getting sick of this. Again this afternoon he went out bowling at 3pm saying ‘I won’t be late’ and here we are at 10.30 and he’s still not back.
There’s a small part of me that worries he’s had a car accident or something as he rarely responds to text messages either.

AIBU? Do you just let them get on with it?

Hmm, DD is 20 and there’s definitely no curfew but I do ask her to let us know what time she will home by, - like the op I don’t really settle if she’s due home but is still out.
This age group been incredibly affected by covid. The move from teenager/school pupil to young adult/ apprentice/student has been delayed, and even though they are 19/20 years old, in many ways they are still like 18 year olds as lockdowns have restricted so many of the usual activities and experiences for this newly adult age group.

Give him hid marching orders. How he manages his life is upto him but let him 'enjoy' the full consequences of it on his own.

I chucked out DP's twatty adult son at 20 when he pushed his luck once too often with me and he was back in less than a month with his tail between his legs.

My 20 year old Ds has been annoying with this kind of thing recently - staying out all night at times and not letting us know. He has to be up early in the week so is generally in bed early, he is good in that respect. Last night ( sat ) he went out, got drunk, lost his phone , was shouting and panicking as he had some kind of app/ account that he was worried someone could get into and take money. I was ringing his bank at 1 am and ringing pubs to see if the phone had been found. Went to bed totally stressed out at 2 am worrying that his stocks and shared account ( that we had no idea previously existed) was going to be wiped out. Today we have asked him to stay in as our eldest son has had to vacate his Uni house and has come home and found out someone he was in close contact with has tested positive for covid, so he is isolating in his room and I have asked the others not to go out unnecessarily. However, he has ignored me and gone off to see friends this evening.

**I can’t settle properly until he’s home and when he comes in he’s making some noise just opening and closing doors, using the bathroom etc.
I’ve tried reasoning with him, I don’t like to impose a curfew as he’s an adult but I am getting sick of this. Again this afternoon he went out bowling at 3pm saying ‘I won’t be late’ and here we are at 10.30 and he’s still not back.

You not being able to settle is not his problem. He's an adult, your emotions and worries are not his responsibility, you need to deal with those yourself.

However him making noise when he comes in is also not on. He is an adult. He needs to learn he has responsibilities now and one of those is being considerate of the people he lives with.

However him going out at 3 and it being 10:30 is really not a big deal and you are overreacting. Plans get made spontaneously and he is more than capable of getting himself home. The only thing he should be doing is coming home quietly and not disturbing you. Other than that you need to let him live and understand that you have no right to impose a curfew on him anymore.

You can’t expect a 20 year old to be home by 11:15pm.
This is a perfect opportunity for him to learn to be accountable for his own actions. If he wants fo stay up all night that’s ok him and he’ll just be tired the next day.
Do you think it would be better if he moved out or would you worry more?

So if he moved out, would you not be able to settle every night until you knew he was home?

My only rule with my 20yo daughter is she tells me if she will be home or staying out so I don't worry if her bed is empty in the morning. She comes in quietly so doesn't disturb the rest of us, although I do sometimes wake up because I'm a light sleeper, but not really her fault.

She can often come home in the early hours when she's got her days off but she is usually home a sensible time on work nights. I do consider it common courtesy though for them to let you know if they will be home and a rough time just so you can stop worrying. Usually send her a message to find out early in the evening if I haven't seen her before she goes out.

I'm lucky my parents never set rules after I was 18 and at university. Saying that I worked in uni holidays. So it was the very odd weekend I was out late. However I was considerate coming home and never disturbed them.

No, my 18yr old DS and my 29 year old DS (while he's temporarily staying with us), come home when they like. They're quiet and they lock up behind them.

I sleep better knowing they're home before I go to bed but that's my problem, not theirs.

He lives with you so it’s reasonable to ask him to be quiet when he gets in & tell you if he’s not coming home if that’s how a night works out so you know to lock up etc.

However, a curfew for an adult isn’t a thing - you wouldn’t have one for a housemate for example. Just imagine him being out on a date or with - girl he’s just met or at a party & leaping up & saying ‘Il off, my Mum says I have to be in by midnight’ - it’s a bit ‘Timothy’ from Sorry!!

He's 20 so a curfew because you are worried about him isn't appropriate. Although it would be nice if he could text to put your mind at rest.

Coming in very late, making noise and waking you is unacceptable. He needs to be quiet as a mouse, get in earlier, stay out or move out. His choice.

No curfew. Adults are treated as adults.
I would expect consideration though but I'm also not one that stays awake until the kids are home. I generally don't hear them and if I do, it's a brief moment of semi awareness. lol

My elder 2 boys game all night with their mates, my issue is the buggers won't leave the house !!

@DeflatedGinDrinker Thought you was going to say at 16 or 17. why? The title clearly says adult kids.

We don’t have a curfew for ours and they would be free to do what they like as long as we are not disturbed when they come in.

Seems ours have something akin to a self-imposed curfew. I can’t recall anyone ever coming in any later than midnight and even then that’s rare, usually it’s earlier but they seem to go out earlier generally meeting up with friends around 6pm ish from what I gather. Some also do some work on the side some Fri/Sat nights but that seems to wrap up so they are home around midnight.

I don’t understand the whole ‘driving around’ concept mentioned by OP? They just drive aimlessly, doing what?

What is the point of the curfew?

• to ensure your child is getting enough sleep - he is an adult who can make his own choices and deal with the consequences
• to ensure you child is safe - your child is an adult capable of carrying out his own risk assessments
• to ensure he doesn’t risk disturbing you if he come in after you have gone to bed - your child (the adult) should have already been raised to be considerate of others and can be told to be quiet and face consequences if he doesn’t, such as being told he is a lousy housemate and needs to move out if he doesn’t again
• to ensure that you can settle properly - so you want to make your child responsible for your peace of mind? What would you do if he moved out and you didn’t know what he was doing?

The short answer is no. You cannot impose a curfew.

You can request consideration in terms of noise when coming home and you can ask when he will be back (in my house that is known as the ‘when should I panic’ time). But you really cannot give him a curfew.

My dd is 18 and no longer has a curfew. If she's gone out, I just ask her to text me to let me know if she's staying with friends or coming home.

I get up for work at 5 or 6 so there's no way I'm going to wait up for her. DH also gets up early. I tend to wake up when I hear the front door and then go straight back to sleep.

There's no way you can impose a curfew on a 20 year old. Just ask him to make sure that he's reasonably quiet when he gets in. I don't get the problem with him using the bathroom when he comes in late. Don't you or you DH ever wake up because you need to go in the middle of the night?

It’s not his fault that you can’t settle until he comes in but I’d expect him to be as quiet as possible when he comes in.

@LizzieSiddal

Sorry I missed the bit about it being 11-12 during the week. I still wouldn’t put up with that every single week night.

But even if not out they would still be going to bed then and moving around.

Wear ear plugs to avoid other people's alarms.
What's the long term plan - will his job lead to more responsibilities so he need to be wide awake, I would think his friends will get girlfriends and pair off gradually. Can he afford his own place?

Talk to him about the things that are bothering you, especially the noise when he gets in and his alarm in the morning and ask if there is anything he can do to be more considerate. Maybe even tell him you are worried for him because of his lack of sleep (if you are). Explain you don't want to stop him enjoying adult freedoms but with those freedoms comes some responsibility to think of others.

I'm afraid there is no real answer to not being able to settle until he is home, I have adult children at home myself and that's something you just have to learn to live with.

My DF tried to enforce a 10pn curfew on me when I was home from uni (up until 22 yes old). I found it infantilising, and in his case, was part of a pattern of weird, controlling behaviour. Being asked to either be quiet or find alternative accommodation is reasonable, otherwise it starts straying into unhealthy behaviour and it will damage your relationship.

I don’t think 11-12 is that late during the week . Even local type pubs don’t shut until 11 . I don’t think you can impose a curfew at that age . Just ask him to be considerate when he comes in.

@DeflatedGinDrinker

Thought you was going to say at 16 or 17. He is 20 OP give your head a wobble.

From what OP says it would seem DS needs to do a bit more growing up. He needs to be a lot more adult and consider other people.

You can’t really impose a curfew, he’s an adult, but you can tell him it’s time to move out. He’s a big boy now.
The not being able to ‘settle’ thing is annoying and is what is really disturbing you. Remove him, remove that issue.