Do any of you enforce curfews on adult kids?

[Usernamesgain]

DS 20 lives at home and is getting later and later coming home. He works full time and has a really early start but is out most evenings until 11-12 and on weekends picking up mates and driving around until 2am some nights.
He’s constantly exhausted, comes in from work and falls asleep immediately until about 7pm when he goes out and drives around with mates again until late.
DH and I both work full time and it’s disturbing us, I can’t settle properly until he’s home and when he comes in he’s making some noise just opening and closing doors, using the bathroom etc.
I’ve tried reasoning with him, I don’t like to impose a curfew as he’s an adult but I am getting sick of this. Again this afternoon he went out bowling at 3pm saying ‘I won’t be late’ and here we are at 10.30 and he’s still not back.
There’s a small part of me that worries he’s had a car accident or something as he rarely responds to text messages either.

AIBU? Do you just let them get on with it?

He gets a lot quieter coming in and the alarm snoozing stops. That's reasonable. Him behaving to suit your worrying isn't.

You're being vv unreasonable. I think maybe you need to find a way of dealing with your own overthinking/anxiety issues. What if he moves into his own place....will you be checking on him constantly/worrying he's hurt himself?

Definitely do not set a curfew.....its very controlling.

Your house, your rules Op. If he doesn't like your rules, he can find somewhere else

My parents didn't but they asked if I was getting home later than the last bus (midnight) I ever slept at a friends or got a taxi home, rather than walk (as I'd have to pass a field and a road next to some woodland rather than all roads with streetlights, I was perfectly happy as I would have found it too scary to walk tbh!)

The fact you can't settle until he comes in is your problem, and you need to learn to.

The fact he's noisy in the night is his problem and he needs to be quieter or move out. This problem wouldn't be solved by a curfew though. If he came home earlier and had friends round, or was just moving around noisily you would have the same issue. He needs to be more considerate.

No curfew but he has to let you know if he's staying away, and he has to be quiet and not wake you when he comes in, or if that's simply not possible he has to either by home by 11pm.or find somewhere else to live. Your house, your rules.

Any chance he can move out? DS moved out for similar reasons.

17 year old DD has no curfew apart from the night before she works when I ask that she's in by midnight. That's just one day a week.

She regularly comes in at 2am but is very quiet and respectful.

No way would I be ringing a 20 year old to come home! He does need to be quieter though. It's not exactly hard is it.

He's 20 so no I wouldn't impose a curfew but ask to respond to texts so there is some reassurance and ask to keep the noise down when he comes in.

The 'I rented when I was at that age' that's great but it's not so simple for the younger generation now. Especially if they're on minimum wage.

Far too old for a curfew OP. It’s normal to worry when are DCs are out but that’s something you need to manage. I think lockdown has made this worse as we’ve got used to them being in every night.

I have two 20 year olds. One at uni so I’ve no idea what’s she’s doing or what time she’s getting in. One at home who frequently stays out until 3/4 am ... I just ask that she texts me if she’s not coming home at all. She’s generally quiet when she gets in but sometimes I put ear plugs in.

The other night she got home at 4.30am and got up for work at 8 🤷🏼‍♀️, we all did it at that age.

No curfews but often Ds2 us working until 1 or 2 in the morning so I'm used to him coming in late and it doesn't disturb me anymore.
Sometimes if he us burning the candle at both ends we'll mention that he looks knackered and needs a chill day now and then.

No op you can’t tell him to come home at 11pm weeknight or not . Tell him to be quiet when he comes in and just go to bed .

I’m guessing he stays out to get away from you and your moaning. You can’t give a 20 year old a curfew. You’re ringing him at 11pm to ask when he’s going to be home?? Poor kid. Let him enjoy life a bit. Covid has meant that since 18 he hasn’t had a normal experience.

Op hasn't said he isn't being disrespectfully noisy, just opening cupboards, using the bathroom, things that a 20yold would need to do regardless of going out.

I think you need to stop worrying about him - easier said than done, I know - what will be, will be.
But he should not be disturbing you when you’ve got to get up for work.
He should be home by your bed time in the week.
If he doesn’t like it he needs to leave.

I just let mine get on with it. They have to tell me if they are not coming home but that's it. They do come in quietly though.

Of course you can’t set a curfew! But you can tell him he needs to be thinking about how he intends to live independently and move out. The fact you can’t settle isn’t his issue, it’s yours..
And yes, very normal to nap and then go out again later. I did the same at that age

I'd say it's time he looks at moving out tbh.

He's 20 and in full time work.

If he’s working full time he can move out. Rent a room somewhere or share with friends etc.

Same problem for me right now !!!!
Went London one rule for Dd Ds no one in house !!
First night we was away Ds21 4 am brings people back !
Asleep on my brand new sofa people he didn’t know !
Bollocked him next week 3 4 times going out and not coming home til 5am he has his own business so late nights shouldn’t be happening !
Final straw Saturday night him and gfriend arrive home 5am and one of them has vomited in living room and bathroom bad attempt to clear it up poor hubbie took 3 hours to sort it out on my birthday!!!!
So he’s moving out I’ve had enough !!

The biggest issue is that he’s on a really good apprenticeship with a global company who selected the students carefully. They expect 100% focus and being tired or under par won’t go down well I’m sure.
He gets increasingly exhausted through the week and he looks dreadful by Thursday/ Friday.
I don’t want him to mess up this opportunity and risk them not keeping him on.
He’s in his third year and doing really well but the lure of a girl (as I’ve now found out it is😂) is obviously keeping him out v late.

I told him last night when he got in (12.15) that if she cared about him she’d understand he has responsibilities to make sure his job comes first at the moment.

Is he doing any drugs ?
When I found out my DS was doing a bit of weed and balloons, that was when it was time to go.
I wasn’t putting up with him disturbing the house when we had work/school to go to. And if he had money for drugs he had money for rent.

No don’t impose curfews on 18yo DS. However that said he;

Is working so only really really late a couple of times a week.
Is really quiet when he comes in.
Does message me letting me know if he isn’t coming home/staying at mates place/going to be after midnight etc.

Occasionally I’ve had to text him to check all ok but on the whole he’s pretty reasonable.

@DinosaurDiana

Is he doing any drugs ? When I found out my DS was doing a bit of weed and balloons, that was when it was time to go. I wasn’t putting up with him disturbing the house when we had work/school to go to. And if he had money for drugs he had money for rent.

I’d like to think not but the thought has crossed my mind. He doesn’t drink as he’s almost always driving but I also wonder what the lure of a group of youngsters parking up in a quiet, deserted office car park is. I mentioned smoking weed last night to him and that when he said he was with a girl.

He certainly earns enough to fund drugs, as he’s in an apprenticeship we decided to allow him not to pay any rent, he pays for all his own clothes, college stuff, car and anything else he wants. He basically stays rent free and eats food we’ve bought when he’s here.

He knows I won’t tolerate drugs at all, that will also be my line in the sand.

I’m afraid at that age you can’t set a curfew, and you sound a bit controlling to do so.

But I would tell him that any noise is unacceptable, and make clear to him that he needs to be getting enough sleep to perform well at work. Remember though, at 20 he is an adult