Do any of you enforce curfews on adult kids?

[Usernamesgain]

DS 20 lives at home and is getting later and later coming home. He works full time and has a really early start but is out most evenings until 11-12 and on weekends picking up mates and driving around until 2am some nights.
He’s constantly exhausted, comes in from work and falls asleep immediately until about 7pm when he goes out and drives around with mates again until late.
DH and I both work full time and it’s disturbing us, I can’t settle properly until he’s home and when he comes in he’s making some noise just opening and closing doors, using the bathroom etc.
I’ve tried reasoning with him, I don’t like to impose a curfew as he’s an adult but I am getting sick of this. Again this afternoon he went out bowling at 3pm saying ‘I won’t be late’ and here we are at 10.30 and he’s still not back.
There’s a small part of me that worries he’s had a car accident or something as he rarely responds to text messages either.

AIBU? Do you just let them get on with it?

I'd say at 20 he's old enough to slbe left to it, but also to be quiet and respectful when he does come in.

That would really annoy me too. Mine are almost 22 & 24 - the eldest one moved in with his girlfriend a few months ago but neither of them were out that often when they lived at home on week nights. When does he help around the house with hours like that? I’d be imposing a curfew on work nights too, and if he didn’t like it I’d be pointing him to the Rightmove website.

No curfew but tell him if he comes in late not to disturb everyone else.

I did with my dds. Friday/Saturday night no curfew but weekdays there’s no way they’d have gone in at 2.

He may be an adult but it’s about respecting everyone else who lives in the house. No one would put up with a housemate coming in every night at 2am!

I was going to say tell him to be quiet as he came in but I totally understand the ‘not being able to settle until they’re in’ thing.

Normal to worry even when your kids are older, but a curfew for a 20 year old who works is not the answer!

Sorry I missed the bit about it being 11-12 during the week. I still wouldn’t put up with that every single week night.

Of course you can't impose a curfew!

But you can, absolutely, insist that he doesn't make a noise when he comes home. And if he's not coming home, for whatever reason, that he texts you to let you know where he is.

No curfew. They know to be quiet coming in.
I did exactly the same when I lived at home. Came home from work, had dinner then a couple of hours nap before heading out til 2/3am.

Sorry, I thought it was 2am most nights! I misread it. I take the curfew bit back but he must be quiet as he comes in.

Absolutely. At home they have to consider us and our need for sleep.
Up to the time they left for university at 18, we set a time. Mainly because they needed picking up.

Once into adulthood (They’re a bit past that stage now,), but we’d say if it was going to be after x o’clock, they needed to arrange to sleep at a friends flat.

If he's 20 and working, then he should be thinking about moving out and renting a bedsit or a 1-bed flat. I did at that age.

Thought you was going to say at 16 or 17. He is 20 OP give your head a wobble.

I don't think you can set a curfew, but he should not be disturbing you. He has the right to stay out late, but with rights comes responsibilities. Those responsibilities include showing you some respect.

I also cannot properly sleep if my adult kids are not home, but I don’t set a curfew. I know it is harder for adult kids to move out these days, but I would hate my adult kids to live at home full time with me. Does he have any plans for leaving the nest?

It doesn't matter how old he is, he still shouldn't come in late and disturb people.

You can't give a 20 year old a curfew the most you can do is insit he is quiet when he comes in.

Not at that age. I'm an adult living at home for financial reasons. It involves respect both ways though and he should respect you and be quiet when coming in.

I’ve just snapped and phoned him. Apparently he’ll be another half hour.
Bloody fed up with this, DH alarm goes off at 4.45.

DS alarm starts at 5.30am and he snoozes it every 10 minutes until 6.30 FFS.

Bit confused about PP saying they wouldn't put up with housemates coming in at 2am - can't see how you can control what your housemates do...it's not up to you... When I was younger and lived with housemates we all did our own thing, came and went as we chose?

As it happens, I was the one with a 9-5 job and keeping more regular hours while a couple were students and kept really unsociable hours - in and out at all times of the day and night, but were always really considerate about noise etc.

OP, I presume he's treated like an adult member of the household, pays his way etc? The fact that you can't settle until his home isn't a good enough reason to curtail a 20-year-old's activities. He does need to learn to be quiet and respect your different sleeping habits. If you can't adjust then I think you'll need to suggest he moves out. It's very controlling to expect to be able to tell a 20 year old what time they have to be home...

*he's

Oh blimey OP.....just read your update. A 20 yr old having his mum ring him at 11pm to find out where he is and tell him to come home.....yikes.

The alarm thing is totally unreasonable. He needs to think of others in the house, not just himself. Same as the noise - he needs to be considerate.

But as for the rest of it, YABVVVU.

@LizzieSiddal

I did with my dds. Friday/Saturday night no curfew but weekdays there’s no way they’d have gone in at 2.

He may be an adult but it’s about respecting everyone else who lives in the house. No one would put up with a housemate coming in every night at 2am!

Have you ever actually lived in a houseshare? Ask people to be considerate,yes. TELL people who you have no authority over when they have to be home by haha no way! OP you can tell him to be quiet when he comes in and stop his multiple repeat alarms (why on earth do people do this???how annoying!) but you can't tell him when to come home or when to sleep!

I had this conversation recently. DS was coming late very often and disturbing people’s sleep.

I told him he didn’t live alone and he needed to consider how arriving so late at night regularly was affecting the rest of the household.

So he said he was 18 and I couldn’t dictate what he did.

I thanked him for reminding me about his age, as being 18, therefore it was no longer my obligation to provide him with a roof and board.

We are fine now, he stays out late a couple of times a week but arrives at a more decent hour the rest of the time.

You can't blame him or enforce anything because you worry about him until he's back - that's being a parent and it's your burden. If he didn't live with you then you wouldn't know...

You can absolutely say if he continues to disturb you all coming in late then he has to come back earlier or move out.