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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

HATE my boyfriends friends

96 replies

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 22:48

Okay, can someone tell me if I’m the asshole and how I can go around this?!

I am lucky enough to have found my absolute partner in life and he is the best. He is so supportive and caring and ambitious, there’s no doubt from either of us that we will spend the rest of our lives together.

But…

I hate his friends. With a passion. (I am being judgemental here but with good reason) Only 1/5 of them has a job, the others can’t last in a job because of there weed/cocaine addictions so sell drugs during the week to pay for the drugs they take at weekend. They always always always cause trouble (to the point where we were threatened with knives at a LOG CABIN - I mean wtf). I could put up with most the behaviours if I believed they had good hearts, but they truly don’t. It came to a head a few weeks ago when I witnessed one friend pushing his girlfriend up a wall in anger.
My boyfriend use to be a little shit when he was younger which is why the friendship group seemed to fit. But now they are 24 and OH is not interested in that lifestyle, he plans for bigger things and hates the trouble they cause. He recently fell out with the one who was aggressive with his girlfriend, in which none of them spoke to him properly. Problem with this is he’s known them since childhood, and these are his main friendship group.

WHAT DO I DO?! I’ve essentially been honest and said I want to limit contact with them to the bare minimum as quite frankly I do not feel safe to be around them. My OH respects my reasons but I know this puts him in an awkward position. He has questioned himself why he’s still friends with these people and I just want to shake him and tell him they are an awful influence. Advice?!

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 26/06/2021 22:51

If he won’t cut contact with them I’d be walking away from him.

Ladylokidoki · 26/06/2021 22:54

People are not friends with people whose values and lifestyles do not match their own.

Your boyfriend is a grown man. He chooses his behaviour, his friends, wether his association ends up with people being threatened with knives.

If your boyfriend continues to be friends with them, that's because he chooses to. If he chooses to over look one is violent to his girlfriend, its because he wants to over look it.

And if you want to be with him, you have to over look that he compromises his morals for his friends.

I honestly, don't think this will end well. How long have you been together?

Elisandra · 26/06/2021 22:54

YABU to believe your boyfriend is so far from them. Has he cut off the friend who assaulted his girlfriend?

omgthepain · 26/06/2021 22:54

He either needs to report them to the police as drug dealers and cut contact or you need to dump him then report them

If he won't cut contact then that says to me "he's not that into you" (pardon the pun)

MouseInCatsClaws · 26/06/2021 22:58

It sounds like their relationships are dying a slow death. It's hard when school friendships end, but there seems to be an inevitability about this for your boyfriend.

Personally, I would tell him that he can choose his friends but that you will not be socialising with them, so he needs to organise to see them outside of time he spends with you. And just stick to that. He's an adult so has to decide for himself

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2021 23:00

He used to be a little shit? And he’s changed how exactly? If he’s still hanging around with this bunch of wasters and druggies how can you see a future?

LeopardPrintTits · 26/06/2021 23:00

Unfortunately, I think your best option is to cut your losses and leave him. If his friends are like that, I would suspect that he’s also like that when you aren’t around.

BloomingTrees · 26/06/2021 23:00

Something doesn't add up.
So your boyfriend is lovely and is going places whilst his friends are awful, violent drug addicts?
If he has changed so dramatically he's outgrown them then the friendships will drift apart naturally. Or he's still like them and you're only seeing a filtered version of him.

Original poster

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 23:01

I don’t for 100% think he is ‘so far from them’ as to speak as I know he was 100% like them as a teenager. When we were threatened with knives he was devastated, as it was always something even them idiots saw as too far over the line so to see his friends (we were asleep whilst it all escalated so woke up to it and unable to grasp an 100% true tale of events). But there lives are taking very different paths, and he is waking up to the realisation of who they are. I think if he could cut them off and have other friends, he would.
He hasn’t cut off the violent friend no, and that has really upset me. He didn’t speak to him for a month but in that time had no contact from any other of his friends I know he felt isolated and alone.
I don’t doubt the strength of our relationship, and that’s not in a silly naive way, I just know we are solid. But this is something I’m struggling to get my head around

OP posts:

Original poster

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 23:02

I agree. I do think it’s a matter of time but I just don’t know how to manage this in between bit

OP posts:

Elisandra · 26/06/2021 23:03

He hasn’t cut off the violent friend no

Deal breaker.

I think you’re seeing him as you hope he will become, not what he actually is.

Ladylokidoki · 26/06/2021 23:05

So he is happy to be friends with someone who is violent to his girlfriend.

You boyfriend is happy to be friends with drug dealers, coke heads, people who are violent to their girlfriends, people who end up in situations where his girlfriend is threatened with a knife.

And he can be devastated all he wants, he is hanging round with drug dealers. Violence goes hand in hand with drug dealers.

He is condoning Domestice violence. He isn't that different.

Please do not have a baby with this man. I fear, in a few years he will still be friends with them. And the baby could be at risk too.

GNCQ · 26/06/2021 23:06

Have you reported these criminals for drug dealing? You know you can do this anonymously.

To be frank, I am concerned for your safety not your new boyfriend.

I'm not sure you've made a wise choice of partner here.

FTEngineerM · 26/06/2021 23:07

Up to you if you stay but when you two argue.. he’ll turn to them. Any difficulty where you’d normally lean on your friends that’s who he’ll lean on. At your wedding reception they’ll be there.

I had a colourful youth, but it’s not something I wanted to bring into my ‘settled down life’. Chaos breeds chaos.

UhtredRagnarson · 26/06/2021 23:07

How long have you been together?

Original poster

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 23:10

I know this is a weird thing to say but he almost isn’t happy about it. The way he speaks about them it almost sounds like it is routine, there the friends he’s always known and now this weird transition period is happening where they are taking one paths bd he is taking another.
I should point out they have all had truly awful upbringings which is in no way an excuse, but I am saying this because there is always the saying of either follow int be footsteps or make something better for yourself. My OH is trying so desperately to make something of himself and not take the path his parents chose, however his friends are doing the opposite. As my OH is maturing and realising what is happening he is struggling with his own moral compass of cutting off all of his childhood friends and trying to get new friends at 24.

I appreciate your comments which is why I posted it on here, however I don’t think anyone quite comprehends how difficult cutting off every single one of your friends would be. It’s not a decision I’d be able to take lightly Thats for sure

OP posts:

JeepersCreeping · 26/06/2021 23:13

He comes from a place of criminality and trivialising violence. You are seeing him as he wants to be. And as you want him to be.

In reality, he associates with criminal, violent druggies who don't have jobs and for whom domestic violence is acceptable (public displays are unlikely to be a one off).

Op. You need to get a grip on reality Vs the illusion.

What happens if you marry? Will they be there? Jeremy Kyle style?

What if you have kids?

Will your partner show your children it's ok to not have jobs, take drugs, threaten people?

If you continue in this relationship without your partner walking away from his old life, possibly even moving away from the area if needed, you will only have to face harder and harder decisions down the line. Is this the life you're willing to put up with to stay with him?

cadburyegg · 26/06/2021 23:14

I cut off an entire friendship group for much less than this, at a younger age

I’m sure your boyfriend has a good heart but the saying is “you are who you associate with” comes to mind here. He needs to cut them off, ghost them, whatever. If he doesn’t want to do that, that says a lot about him. He’s an adult now, he needs to grow a backbone, and I mean that in the nicest way possible

Elisandra · 26/06/2021 23:14

I’m not suggesting this it would be easy for him. That’s a very different issue from whether you can be happy in a relationship with him.

Original poster

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 23:14

We have been together for 2 years, and lived together for 18 months. We’ve been through a lot of chaos in this time, a MC of an unplanned pregnancy, job loss etc. We are very close and I know 100% what my OH can be capable of, and I also see through everything he does. I have no doubt he is a good person with a kind heart, he makes mistakes yes of course he’s not perfect but he is a good person

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 26/06/2021 23:14

My OH is trying so desperately to make something of himself and not take the path his parents chose

Tell him to come find you when he’s done it and has been living clean and scumbag free for 3 years.

UhtredRagnarson · 26/06/2021 23:16

So you’ve been waiting at least 2 years for him to make a decision and he hasn’t. That says it all. He’ll never do it.

PacifyLulu · 26/06/2021 23:16

@omgthepain

He either needs to report them to the police as drug dealers and cut contact or you need to dump him then report them

If he won't cut contact then that says to me "he's not that into you" (pardon the pun)

What’s the pun? I’m tired and I can’t see it - it’s driving me nuts.

Ladylokidoki · 26/06/2021 23:17

Lots of us had terrible upbringings. I did.

My partner father used to make he steal cars for him at 15 and threaten to kick him out if he didn't.

My partner cut off his father, when his father hit his wife.

I cut people off, when they weren't the sort of people that I saw in my future.

This isn't just friends who are pitas. They are criminals and, at least one is violent with his girlfriend.

You aren't getting it. If he can stand to even be near them, deep down he doesn't think its wrong.

And honestly, I have known a lot of people who do coke. There's rarely just one who doesn't do it.

He is choosing to support these people and by you staying with him, you are also fine with men who don't think domestic violence is a big deal.

Kanaloa · 26/06/2021 23:17

He’s friends with violent drug addict criminals. He tolerates and therefore condones their behaviours. I would not be bringing a child into this, I actually think it’s quite selfish. If you’ve never been the child growing up in a drug addled violent family situation surrounded by these types of people you will have no idea how it ruins your life.

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