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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

HATE my boyfriends friends

96 replies

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 22:48

Okay, can someone tell me if I’m the asshole and how I can go around this?!

I am lucky enough to have found my absolute partner in life and he is the best. He is so supportive and caring and ambitious, there’s no doubt from either of us that we will spend the rest of our lives together.

But…

I hate his friends. With a passion. (I am being judgemental here but with good reason) Only 1/5 of them has a job, the others can’t last in a job because of there weed/cocaine addictions so sell drugs during the week to pay for the drugs they take at weekend. They always always always cause trouble (to the point where we were threatened with knives at a LOG CABIN - I mean wtf). I could put up with most the behaviours if I believed they had good hearts, but they truly don’t. It came to a head a few weeks ago when I witnessed one friend pushing his girlfriend up a wall in anger.
My boyfriend use to be a little shit when he was younger which is why the friendship group seemed to fit. But now they are 24 and OH is not interested in that lifestyle, he plans for bigger things and hates the trouble they cause. He recently fell out with the one who was aggressive with his girlfriend, in which none of them spoke to him properly. Problem with this is he’s known them since childhood, and these are his main friendship group.

WHAT DO I DO?! I’ve essentially been honest and said I want to limit contact with them to the bare minimum as quite frankly I do not feel safe to be around them. My OH respects my reasons but I know this puts him in an awkward position. He has questioned himself why he’s still friends with these people and I just want to shake him and tell him they are an awful influence. Advice?!

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/06/2021 00:10

@Bunnyhunni

Trust me, I'm not condoning domestic violence.

But you'd be with a man for whom it wouldn't be a dealbreaker being with a friend who committed domestic violence. Tolerance of it is complicity in it not being taken seriously.

If, he wants to not be friends due to their behaviour, surely its down to him to decide?

Of course it is. It would also be down to you to decide whether you wanted to be with a man happy to remain friends with a man who was violent to women in his life. You're saying you would stay with him. I'm saying I can't fathom doing so. Everyone is different, I am just shocked someone, especially a woman, could stay with a man happy to stay mates with a man who intimidated / was violent to girlfriends.

Just as I wouldn't stay with a man who was mates with someone racist. But presumably you would as you feel removed from what that says about someone's values and character? Unless you think hurting a woman is more acceptable than being racist? As I say, everyone is difference.!

Bunnyhunni · 27/06/2021 00:29

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Bunnyhunni

Trust me, I'm not condoning domestic violence.

But you'd be with a man for whom it wouldn't be a dealbreaker being with a friend who committed domestic violence. Tolerance of it is complicity in it not being taken seriously.

If, he wants to not be friends due to their behaviour, surely its down to him to decide?

Why would I condone domestic violence when I've had my head stamped in and was hit constantly by my ex partner?

I've had female friends who have hit their male partners and I've said to why have you done it for? And I've kicked off big time.

So I wouldn't say I would condone it? Would you? Or are you going to twist my words again?

If, it was my partner in this situation, I would leave him to deal with drama with his male friends.

I don't get why you'd bring my gender into it though when I've noted above that women can hit their male partners too.

FlowerArranger · 27/06/2021 00:29

@Bexxe
My boyfriend use to be a little shit when he was younger which is why the friendship group seemed to fit. But now they are 24 and OH is not interested in that lifestyle, he plans for bigger things and hates the trouble they cause

He's all talk, isnt, he? Big plans and now he wants to move to Australia! What has he actually achieved?

You have been with him for 2 whole years, and yet he is still hanging out exclusively with a bunch of druggies. He talks the talk about hating the 'trouble' they cause, but he is still associating with the scumbag whom he saw abusing his girlftiend.

He won't change. This will be your life. Or you cut your losses now.

Mumwithapub · 27/06/2021 01:17

Australia sounds like the best option if you are planning a future with this guy, however be careful he doesn't fall in with the same kind of crowd out there. However if you stay here you could try seeking out new friends by taking up a shared hobby. good luck

FaceyRomford · 27/06/2021 01:29

People are not friends with people whose values and lifestyles do not match their own.

That's rubbish.

Micemakingclothes · 27/06/2021 05:19

I remember thinking my ex was so different than his loser friends. It doesn’t work that way.

What you describe is so egregious that he should be cutting all contact with most of these people immediately. That he has any hesitation tells you everything you need to know.

Please, please don’t continue to risk pregnancy with this man. Your child will be raised surrounded by these friends and you will have no ability to stop it from happening.

Briarshollow · 27/06/2021 07:19

I know 100% what my OH can be capable of, and I also see through everything he does

What does this mean @Bexxe? Does it mean he is doing bad things and lying to you? I’m confused. Are you still seeing trying to see the ‘goodness’ within despite his associations, his friends and his behaviour saying he’s really not that good?

Briarshollow · 27/06/2021 07:20

I think his loyalty to these friends runs very, very deep. They’d be at your wedding taking drugs and fighting. They’d be around your children taking drugs and fighting. Neither of which are things I’d want.

steff13 · 27/06/2021 07:26

You are who you surround yourself with. Who does he surround himself with?

Confiscatedfidgetspinner · 27/06/2021 07:28

Raise the bar for yourself OP. Too much too soon in two years anyway.

He’s not going to get rid of them, he’s either too spineless to do so or quietly still similar to them. Neither are good traits.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/06/2021 07:31

Ultimatum time, them or you, then a good few years making sure he’s mot really like them before you make any sort of commitments. Sounds like a nightmare!

Karwomannghia · 27/06/2021 07:33

If he really does want to break free from his old life you both need to move.

Eviethyme · 27/06/2021 07:35

He obviously doesn't have a real problem about the way they are.. I couldn't be with someone who had friends like that as says a lot about him. Yabu to try ad change him... They are his friends, whether they are ass holes or not you can't just enter his life and move things around, either he makes the choice to not be a loser or he stays a loser. It's up to him

Veryverycalmnow · 27/06/2021 07:40

Loads of people aren't friends with their childhood friends- it is ok. Can you move away to make it easier?

Vanishun · 27/06/2021 07:43

People don't change that easily, and who they're friends with tells you a lot about them. It sounds like he sort of wants a better life with you, so maybe it's time to tell him to choose it and gently lose the old crowd.

My guess is if you can't talk this over with him sensibly, that's your answer right there.

Youdiditanyway · 27/06/2021 07:48

Your DH wouldn’t still consider them friends if he no longer had anything in common with them. He clearly still enjoys being around them, however shitty they are. I’d reconsider the relationship with a man who still considers a woman abuser a friend.

Petalplucker · 27/06/2021 07:49

@PacifyLulu

Op , your question was to how to manage the situation. The answer is that you can’t manage it. You can either accept it or not. Your boyfriend may slowly distance himself or he may not (and I suspect if he hasn’t already then he probably won’t). Either way, you can’t make him do it or make him speed the process up. All you can is accept what he does, or decide that it’s a deal breaker.

Absolutely this^ . You can't change a man and who his friends are. He is an adult. That is his decision to make. You need to decide where your boundaries lie op in response to what he decides to do. Or what he does not decide to do!

dottiedodah · 27/06/2021 07:52

I personally think you don't have a future with this guy. He is hanging round with a bunch of wasters .they sound dangerous and immature to me .cut

dottiedodah · 27/06/2021 07:53

Your losses .you are worth much more

MRex · 27/06/2021 07:59

You're still very young and unfortunately you're being naive here. Your boyfriend talks a good game and you've believed him. Step back and look at the evidence. He is not successful, he just talks about ambition. He is not an exciting traveller, he just talks about Australia. He is in not keeping away from violence; people are coming into your life with knives and attacking their girlfriends in front of you. He is certainly taking drugs when you aren't around, or these would not still be his friends. This is who he is. If you decide to settle for that, it's a real shame because he will bring you, and eventually your children, great heartbreak. If you don't want the man he actually is, rather than the man you want him to be, then walk away.

moovinon · 27/06/2021 08:09

I could be completely wrong, but I think if he has grown up and stopped doing all of those things then he would naturally have moved on from that group of friends.

Are you sure he doesn't do things like that any more? I have a friend who has been with her partner for about 10 years. He was in to drugs, dealing etc. She swore blind that he was completely different and had stopped everything about 5 years in and had really grown up. It all came out that he hadn't stopped any of those things at all. He still smoked weed when she wasn't around, did coke every night with his friends (she thought he was meeting up with them but just wouldn't take drugs) and he had tens of thousands of pounds of debt from spending it on drugs.

People can hide things. I wonder if he is acting as though he has grown up and changed because he knows you wouldn't be with that sort of person otherwise.

cariadlet · 27/06/2021 08:16

To make this work long term, he definitely needs to break away from these friends. Lots of pp have shown that it can be done.

It looks as though your boyfriend finds that difficult because he's scared of losing the only friends he has and becoming socially isolated.

I'd sit down with him and have a serious talk. Tell him that you don't have a future together unless he ditches the friends.

If he chooses to be with you, then ask what you can do together to help him ditch the old friends and make new ones eg take up an interest together to make new friends, socialise as a couple so he can get ti know the partners of your friends, move to a new town to get a fresh start.

If any of that is too much for him then, no matter how wonderful he us in other ways, no matter how much you love him, you need to walk away.

Casiloco · 27/06/2021 08:18

Have to say I think the suggestion of a complete change of location is the very best idea. It sounds like he really wants to live a different life and from being around individuals with druggy/criminal pasts, but who are now successful, happy and clean, it really is the only way!

It's hard, but essential if he is to find his way in life.

Wishing you both the best.

alreadytaken · 27/06/2021 08:29

What effort is he - and you - making to develop other friendships? Do you have couple friends? What does he enjoy and how can you help him find other people to do that with?

If he is making no move to make other friendships then move on. If he is trying but not very good at it help him.

AdelindSchade · 27/06/2021 08:32

DH had some dodgy friends when younger but he had enough sense to know he had to extricate himself. The friendships did end. Some of them are dead now because of their lifestyle. Your DP will have to choose. Moving may be a good plan.

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