HATE my boyfriends friends

[Bexxe]

Okay, can someone tell me if I’m the asshole and how I can go around this?!

I am lucky enough to have found my absolute partner in life and he is the best. He is so supportive and caring and ambitious, there’s no doubt from either of us that we will spend the rest of our lives together.

But…

I hate his friends. With a passion. (I am being judgemental here but with good reason) Only 1/5 of them has a job, the others can’t last in a job because of there weed/cocaine addictions so sell drugs during the week to pay for the drugs they take at weekend. They always always always cause trouble (to the point where we were threatened with knives at a LOG CABIN - I mean wtf). I could put up with most the behaviours if I believed they had good hearts, but they truly don’t. It came to a head a few weeks ago when I witnessed one friend pushing his girlfriend up a wall in anger.
My boyfriend use to be a little shit when he was younger which is why the friendship group seemed to fit. But now they are 24 and OH is not interested in that lifestyle, he plans for bigger things and hates the trouble they cause. He recently fell out with the one who was aggressive with his girlfriend, in which none of them spoke to him properly. Problem with this is he’s known them since childhood, and these are his main friendship group.

WHAT DO I DO?! I’ve essentially been honest and said I want to limit contact with them to the bare minimum as quite frankly I do not feel safe to be around them. My OH respects my reasons but I know this puts him in an awkward position. He has questioned himself why he’s still friends with these people and I just want to shake him and tell him they are an awful influence. Advice?!

As PP says, he needs new friends. Perhaps a sport (playing or supporting) that you can both be part of that will make him ‘unavailable’ to these people? That said, you are a couple and it should be OK for him to say you have plans together, or prefer to holiday alone.

Relocating sounds a great idea, to Australia or elsewhere.

You’re being incredibly naive here. Let your head rule your heart and walk away.

His violent druggie mates are important to him otherwise he would have grown a backbone and firmly moved on from these unhealthy, criminal ‘friendships.’ He’s shown you who he is through being all talk and no action, and you can’t change him as he has to do this for himself otherwise he’ll always vere back to them.

Oh dear.

He sounds like he is about three years off being either the man you want him to be and see him as or falling back into his old ways.

I would take a step back, take a break from the relationship and if it is meant to be then it will be. These friends will get you both into trouble - the police and jury will not see either of your good hearts if you get done for possession, involved in an affray or on the fringe of some other entirely possible criminal activity.

Wake up here - he is not the man you want him to be, yet. And condoning or normalizing domestic violence is not a pathway to a healthy relationship...

He must be taking drugs sometimes on the sly with them, otherwise what’s the point of seeing them?

Moving away might sound like a solution but if he is doing drugs then he’s likely to seek out users and dealers in a new area, and these may end up as his new ‘friendship’ circle.

Cut your losses and move on; you’re young and you’re likely to end up more heartbroken in the future than if you leave now.

And for heavens sake don’t even think about having a baby while you’re in this situation.

@JeepersCreeping

He comes from a place of criminality and trivialising violence. You are seeing him as he wants to be. And as you want him to be.

In reality, he associates with criminal, violent druggies who don't have jobs and for whom domestic violence is acceptable (public displays are unlikely to be a one off).

Op. You need to get a grip on reality Vs the illusion.

What happens if you marry? Will they be there? Jeremy Kyle style?

What if you have kids?

Will your partner show your children it's ok to not have jobs, take drugs, threaten people?

If you continue in this relationship without your partner walking away from his old life, possibly even moving away from the area if needed, you will only have to face harder and harder decisions down the line. Is this the life you're willing to put up with to stay with him?

Great post.

OP,

You are very naive.

Your poor parents, do they know you are hanging out with absolute scum?

You are worried about him and are trying to convince yourself that he is better than them.

He is not.

He hangs around with druggies and men that are violent towards women.

AKA absolute scum.

Come back to us in 10 years time and tell us he is different and better than them.🙄

THIS is who he is.

THESE are his tribe.

Are you going to be involved with his scummy family too?

Grow up OP, you are making a huge mistake.

Walk away OP. Walk away now and don’t look back.

I think if he already has one foot out of the door in these friendships, then you can gently encourage that. Some new friends would help - husbands of your girlfriends? Or through work, a hobby?

I’d give it a bit more time to see where he goes with it but I think you should try and support his exit from them for a while longer, if your relationship is good and worth a bit of effort.

Threatened with knives?! That would be my cue to ditch him and his mates for good.

The relationship sounds very unsafe for you OP. He can't be hanging out with friends like that if he's so different from them.
It only takes one tiny misunderstanding for things to escalate and you don't want to be caught dead with them when it happens.

I agree that you are seeing him as you want to see him. You have already had one unplanned pregnancy, and I have no doubt if you remain together you will soon have another, and then you will be stuck with him and his friends, and it will become clear that he has no intention of cutting ties with his old life...

If you really won't walk away, the only thing that might help is moving far away. I doubt he will do it though.

Have you told your parents, family and friends all this? I wonder if you are hiding these behaviours and the knife incident as it would be interesting to know what they think. I’d go ballistic if it was my DS and he was involved with anyone who was pulling knives on people, doing drugs, and domestic violence. And then trying to claim my BF is lovely, ambitious, and doesn’t do the things that his friends do.

Please face reality and walk away as this will not end well one way or another. You said you have led a sheltered life, and I’d say you were from a good family who would be horrified if they knew the truth about your BF.

You have faith in him which is a good thing. Give him a chance but set a time limit. The problem others have pointed out is that he has not completely left this lifestyle. He just wants to. It wouldn't be a good idea to start a family while he is still mixed up with this crowd. Moving away is a good idea, then he can allow the friendships to drift.

He has been with you 2 years and is still friends with these people.

His friend is violent.to his girlfriend and your boyfriend is ok with that.

They are drug dealers and he is ok with that?

And you are ok with him?

This pretty much happened to my SiL.
She was horrifed by BiL's more loser-ish friends, & tackled it head on.
She explained that she didn't want to dictate his choice of friends, but would NOT be meeting any of them again.

And that if he wanted to have wild nights out like the one she witnessed, that's his choice, but she wasn't interested in that lifestyle.

BiL chose to drop the last vestiges of his mis-spent youth, & they been happily married for years, with a kid apiece & an extra one between them.

Stick to your guns OP.
You don't want anything to do with violent losers. That's your boundary, & it's up to you to hold it.

It's up to your b/f to choose where his boundaries lie, & if he wants to accept yours.

If he prefers getting slashed up in a cabin to your charming companionship - well he's not much loss, huh?

But you say he's a good'un who wants to move on with his life, so have the chat. And be prepared to walk away if you don't both agree.

Good luck OP :)

It doesn't sound like the friendships will last but how is he going to replace them?

Can you move areas?

I understand you wouldn't want to be starting a family with people like this being introduced as trusted adults.

Ultimately it might be that this is a timing issue that will split you up. You don't want to be the reason he's lonely.

I'd also think very carefully about someone who has been a little shit for a good proportion of his life. Wait and see if this new leaf is permanent.

@Elisandra

He hasn’t cut off the violent friend no

Deal breaker.

I think you’re seeing him as you hope he will become, not what he actually is.

I think if he could cut them off and have other friends, he would.

Where are you getting this "excusing" mindset form though OP?

Talk is cheap.
How has he not already taken action?

Are you fooling yourself, & thinking "I'll change him"?
That NEVER ends well.

What about his own realism - is he just telling you what you want to hear, is he intending to have his cake & eat it, or is he just in love with you & your safer/more ambitious life plans?

Or will he effect change because he totally wants to change, rather than just pleasing/sweet-talking you?

I'm not buying "can't cut off his friends" & I don't understand why you are, OP.

I don’t think anyone quite comprehends how difficult cutting off every single one of your friends would be

Aw, come off it my dear.

I can easily comprehend that it would be FAR easier than associating with wife-beaters. I could walk away from any male friend, no matter how beloved, if he smacked women about.

And this doesn't come from a place of pearl-clutching. I witnessed/experienced plenty of violence in my early life.
It changes people. As PP said upthread - "chaos breeds chaos".

Say you stay together, love's young dream, move in, marry, kids, careers, the whole caboodle.
How are you going to feel when you have stand-up rows because you don't want these friends in your house, or round your children?
And know that you either have to put up with it because otherwise you're the controlling old scold at home who won't allow anyone to have any fun. Or because you'd feel too mean to ask him to cut off his childhood buddies.

You'd end up at loggerheads, & hating each other.
With you either miserable & having to micromanage his relationships & wherereabouts, or miserable & at the mercy of the whims of the bunch of hooligans.

Because if he was truly going to walk away from these old friends, he would have done so already.

Sorry but you're deluding yourself if you think he's an amazing person who just happens to be randomly surrounded by drug-dealing, violent psychopaths.

He's choosing to present this facet of himself to you. Bottom line: if he really wanted to move past these people, he would have done.

@UhtredRagnarson

My OH is trying so desperately to make something of himself and not take the path his parents chose

Tell him to come find you when he’s done it and has been living clean and scumbag free for 3 years.

I agree. This doesn't add up OP. You have this idealised notion of him but that isn't who he is - that's who he is telling you he is.

You've been with him two years so when is he going to get rid of these scum bags? Open your eyes and smell the crack pipe. Don't bring children into this either OP.

Bottom line: if he really wanted to move past these people, he would have done.

Summed up neatly in a nutshell.

You don't want to face this yet, though. You're still convinced he's changed but doesn't know how to move on from these people and if he only did, he would.

What's stopping him moving on from them, looking for new interests and/or pastimes where chances are you will meet new people with whom you have stuff in common? Because he doesn't want to, simple as that. No matter what he says. His actions are saying otherwise!

He hasn't because he doesn't want to.

You’re being very naive.
My fear for you is that one of these days, you’re going to get accidentally pregnant again, and then - if you chose to keep the pregnancy - you will be stuck for life with Scummy Boyfriend and his scummy friends.

So to be clear, in response to your request for advice: leave him.