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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

HATE my boyfriends friends

96 replies

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 22:48

Okay, can someone tell me if I’m the asshole and how I can go around this?!

I am lucky enough to have found my absolute partner in life and he is the best. He is so supportive and caring and ambitious, there’s no doubt from either of us that we will spend the rest of our lives together.

But…

I hate his friends. With a passion. (I am being judgemental here but with good reason) Only 1/5 of them has a job, the others can’t last in a job because of there weed/cocaine addictions so sell drugs during the week to pay for the drugs they take at weekend. They always always always cause trouble (to the point where we were threatened with knives at a LOG CABIN - I mean wtf). I could put up with most the behaviours if I believed they had good hearts, but they truly don’t. It came to a head a few weeks ago when I witnessed one friend pushing his girlfriend up a wall in anger.
My boyfriend use to be a little shit when he was younger which is why the friendship group seemed to fit. But now they are 24 and OH is not interested in that lifestyle, he plans for bigger things and hates the trouble they cause. He recently fell out with the one who was aggressive with his girlfriend, in which none of them spoke to him properly. Problem with this is he’s known them since childhood, and these are his main friendship group.

WHAT DO I DO?! I’ve essentially been honest and said I want to limit contact with them to the bare minimum as quite frankly I do not feel safe to be around them. My OH respects my reasons but I know this puts him in an awkward position. He has questioned himself why he’s still friends with these people and I just want to shake him and tell him they are an awful influence. Advice?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 23:18

The only issue in our relationship is his friends which is why leaving him is not that simple. I’m not in a state of illusion and I am probably not giving the best picture of the situation as it’s hard to put every detail down.
He certainly grew up in that world of chaos, and his friends still are. So what is completely abnormal to me is semi normal to him. Not in the way of carrying out these behaviours but by others around him being that way. I had a very sheltered and protected upbringing really and this is all so new and scary to me

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 26/06/2021 23:18

And as for being threatened with knives at a cabin ??? That shouldn’t be happening to anyone, why would you associate with these people putting yourself at risk.

lolacola77 · 26/06/2021 23:19

I'd be off! If he hasn't got the balls to move on from them he's either weak or doesn't really want to. I couldn't bear to be around druggie chavs like that.

Ladylokidoki · 26/06/2021 23:22

Look op, I don't know what you want people to say.

Decent people are never friends with violent drug dealers. Decent people don't still hang out with people, who out his girlfriend in a situation where her life was threatened. Decent people don't remain friend with people who are violent with their girlfriends.

But you don't want to see it. I agree with ppp above. You don't see him. You see what you think he could become.

I very much doubt he will ever ditch these friends. And you and your child will have these people impacting your lives forever.

But, you have to make the choice yourself.

PacifyLulu · 26/06/2021 23:23

Op , your question was to how to manage the situation. The answer is that you can’t manage it. You can either accept it or not. Your boyfriend may slowly distance himself or he may not (and I suspect if he hasn’t already then he probably won’t). Either way, you can’t make him do it or make him speed the process up. All you can is accept what he does, or decide that it’s a deal breaker.

Original poster

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 23:24

Thank you for your comments. I’m not oblivious to the situation, and it really does upset me to think you are right in that by not cutting them off he’s supporting it. My moral compass feels all over the place, with my strong need to do the right thing and my love for my OH.

OP posts:

StickyIcky · 26/06/2021 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hedgehogger1 · 26/06/2021 23:26

I bet he's just like them, you've just not realised yet. Ditch and move on. Onwards and upwards

Wallywobbles · 26/06/2021 23:27

Move far far away.

Original poster

Bexxe · 26/06/2021 23:28

Strangely enough we have spoken in depth about moving to Australia, he is in a highly sought after job in Australia

OP posts:

Ladylokidoki · 26/06/2021 23:29

And what happens if he falls in with the wrong crowd in Australia?

I think the pp meant YOU should move far away.

JeepersCreeping · 26/06/2021 23:29

only issue in our relationship is his friends which is why leaving him is not that simple

You're not getting it op.

You have fundamental mismatches with how you want to live your lives.

This isn't a problem about his friends, it's about values.

I don't want a life where my children are around domestic violence, criminality and joblessness, and he shouldn't either if you have a truly United life outlook.

You don't have a united front. You say you want the same thing, but his actions don't prove it.

How can you frame this as a mere friendship group problem?!

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/06/2021 23:31

What did the police say when you reported the violent domestic abuse you witnessed?

UhtredRagnarson · 26/06/2021 23:32

Ok- how long are you willing to wait for him to decide OP? Would you be happy to wait for 10 years? 5? 1? What is your deadline before you would accept he isn’t going to change?

PacifyLulu · 26/06/2021 23:34

It’s not a “need” to do the right things though is it OP cos you’ve not been doing the right things for two years.
You want to accept your boyfriend but you think you should have a problem with his friends. You don’t really care that much though or wouldn’t be as far in as you are.

Ostara212 · 26/06/2021 23:39

Do you live together?

How on earth did you end up on holiday with these people?

Tell them he has to cut them off or it's finished.

WingingItSince1973 · 26/06/2021 23:46

This is a terrifying way to live your life. My dds ex got into drug dealing with his best friend. One night last year their flat was broken into and the friend was stabbed to death over drug money. Its horrific and I'm so glad my dd has totally cut off her ex and he isn't even allowed to see his son my gs (court order). Drugs absolutely ruins lives, wether your the scrawny little runner or higher up to those that are addicted. People loose their lives. We are a very quiet family and for my dd to get mixed up with a lad like that was completely out of character. She too fell for the rogue trying to change story. He came across as pleasant to her and tried to blend in with our family. He ended up assaulting my baby gs and lying to the police. His cards are now marked and any future girlfriend will sadly have to jump through social service hoops if he father's another child. Please please think carefully about your future.

Bunnyhunni · 26/06/2021 23:48

I'm not condoning their violence or their behaviour. It's inexcusable what they did.

However, do you really think telling him to cut off his friends is gonna make everything happy in the long run?

It probably won't. It'd make him lonely and he'd probably see them behind your back.

If, I was you, I'd probably just leave them to it and don't even talk to them or have anything to do with them.

If, he wants to cut them off, that would be his decision and not yours.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/06/2021 23:50

His mates are violent, drug using and he wants to still be friends with them
and expects you to be ok with that?

He hasn’t cut off the violent friend no, and that has really upset me.

If a mate roughing up his girlfriend isn't enough to cut contact then surely you're done? What's the threshold for what it would take for you to end it?!

The only issue in our relationship is his friends which is why leaving him is not that simple.

Nope, that's so reductive. It's him being cowardly, essentially accepting and being complicit in men being violent to female partners, tolerating drug dealers, putting you in risky situations... you can put that under an umbrella issue of 'his mates are ducks' all you like but it all says a LOT about his character. When you do have kids (and I'm sorry about your pregnancy loss ) will you want these people being in your life? Because they will be. A cokehead godfather? A 'fun uncle' who is a known woman abuser? Really?!

Mate, fuck him off. Why are you considering doing anything else?! Fear of being alone? Wanting children soon? I can't understand you settling for this when you seem aware of what you'd be settling for.

Your potential Australia move is a red herring - this is about the character and moral compass of the man you'd be choosing to build a life with.

To be clear, he would rather know a woman has been roughed up, his girlfriend threatened by knives and his mates be involved with dealing drugs than lose the friends involved in all those things. How fucking selfish he is. He would rather turn a blind eye than have to make new friends. If that mate had hit his girlfriend would your boyfriend have cut him off? Where is the line? Is it worth having to ask yourself that question.

Leave. This. Man.

UhtredRagnarson · 26/06/2021 23:50

Yes why did you go on holiday with these people?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/06/2021 23:52

If, I was you, I'd probably just leave them to it and don't even talk to them or have anything to do with them.

You could in good conscience be happy with a man who turns a blind eye to men roughing up women?

Wouldn't you think that says an awful lot about that man and that the things it says would make him completely unsuitable as a partner let alone future parent to your child?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/06/2021 23:52

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If, I was you, I'd probably just leave them to it and don't even talk to them or have anything to do with them.

You could in good conscience be happy with a man who turns a blind eye to men roughing up women?

Wouldn't you think that says an awful lot about that man and that the things it says would make him completely unsuitable as a partner let alone future parent to your child?

This was to @Bunnyhunni

CupOfTPlease · 26/06/2021 23:55

My partner who I have been with for 9 years had friends who always smoked weed. My partner was one of them too.

He was 18 when we got together and I was 19.
I didn't know he smoked weed let alone everyday as I didn't see him when he was high. I found out about a month in and said then I do not want to be with someone who smokes weed. He stopped straight away and then his 'friends' dropped him because he wouldn't get high anymore.

Sounds like he is putting his friends feelings above yours.

CupOfTPlease · 26/06/2021 23:58

Also I think you have put some outing things with the log cabin and the girlfriend pinned against the wall.

Just be cautious with so many details.

Bunnyhunni · 27/06/2021 00:02

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If, I was you, I'd probably just leave them to it and don't even talk to them or have anything to do with them.

You could in good conscience be happy with a man who turns a blind eye to men roughing up women?

Wouldn't you think that says an awful lot about that man and that the things it says would make him completely unsuitable as a partner let alone future parent to your child?

Trust me, I'm not condoning domestic violence.

I literally said that at the top of my post.

All, I'm saying is that cut contact off with the friends, leave her partner to deal with his friends.

If, he wants to not be friends due to their behaviour, surely its down to him to decide?

If, OP isn't happy with that then you should just leave and probably find someone with a similar background growing up.

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