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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by DH and his comment about my work?

130 replies

Bitesizerainbows · 26/06/2021 18:09

I’ve been a sahm for three years and have recently gone back into a job that I really wanted but is totally different from anything I’ve done before.
It’s involving meeting lots of new people, DH has been a bit heckles up when any of them have been men. Mainly I’m working at home but I’m having a few in person meetings now.
A couple of weeks ago I had a Teams meeting and one of the men on there said it would be good to have a meeting between my organisation and his. He then emailed me to arrange a meeting and would like to meet face to face, probably because he’s sick of meeting everyone virtually like the rest of us.
DH came into the room whilst I was working and read the email over my shoulder and I could see he wasn’t very happy about it and he said ‘why does he want a meeting with you?’ so I said he’d just requested one as we work in the same field and with the same sort of people. He made a sort of huh noise and asked how this man knew of me, I said we’d ‘met’ on a Teams meeting once before and DH said ‘yeah, he’s obviously thought that’s a nice little hottie with good tits, I’d like a piece of that.’
Aibu to find this massively annoying? The worst thing is it makes me defensive and I haven’t even done anything! Also I’m late 30s and I don’t believe this man has ANY ulterior motives in suggesting we meet. None at all.

OP posts:
Muchasgracias · 26/06/2021 19:38

I consider myself to be very tolerant but I absolutely could not live with a man who spoke to me like that. Zero tolerance. None whatsoever.

I’m so sorry OP. He has zero respect for you and is a misogynistic and controlling twat.

VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 19:46

@Muchasgracias

I consider myself to be very tolerant but I absolutely could not live with a man who spoke to me like that. Zero tolerance. None whatsoever.

I’m so sorry OP. He has zero respect for you and is a misogynistic and controlling twat.

I consider myself to be very tolerant so would be happy to bide my time before shooting him

Fixed that for you ;-)

lastcall · 26/06/2021 19:47

He has no respect for you.

Or women in general.

stillcrazyafterall · 26/06/2021 19:48

He came and read a work email over your shoulder? Shit I would nip that in the bud, that is a gross breach of confidentiality. I hope your company never find out!

diddl · 26/06/2021 19:51

Sounds as if he's judging by his own (low) standardsSad

NewlyGranny · 26/06/2021 19:53

Pro.jec.tion. Simple but not pure.

What a revealing but ghastly glimpse into what goes on in his head.

Take the meetings; build the career; be ready to shake him off if he doesn't treat you with respect and celebrate your successes.

Wombat24 · 26/06/2021 19:55

He's not coping with your new job.

This is only going to escalate. Sounds like he could get very nasty indeed.

GreenClock · 26/06/2021 19:55

This is worrying OP. Seriously. Don’t underestimate how sinister this person is and what he might be capable of. You need to give divorce some consideration.

YouokHun · 26/06/2021 20:00

@altiara

Not just annoying, but also an astounding insight into what he thinks about his female colleagues!
Absolutely @altiara and, as many others have said, I think it shows a lack of respect for you @Bitesizerainbows as someone who has agency in your own life - whatever this man making the appointment thought or didn’t think about you has it not occurred to your DH that you are perfectly capable of thinking for yourself and looking after yourself? None of what he says to you is a joke and the backhanded compliment comments like “you look too nice to go out without me” are very suspect. It sounds like he’s being a bit more direct now and I now you’re doing more meeting with people I’d expect him to step this up. I couldn’t put up with it and nor should you. What would happen if you put your foot down about his attitude? You sound like you’re treading very carefully and making light of it.
Rainallnight · 26/06/2021 20:02

@stillcrazyafterall after a year of everyone working at home at their kitchen tables, I don’t think her company would have a leg to stand on. And that’s not the main issue here in any case

AcrossthePond55 · 26/06/2021 20:03

IMHO comments like that are not only demeaning to females in general, as if we're nothing but 'hotties with tits', but it also says to me that the man in question doesn't trust his partner to be faithful!

So what if this man 'wants a piece of that'? Does your DH think you're incapable of saying 'no'? Does he think you're so weak as to be swept off your feet and onto your back by some Lothario? That's what would really piss me off!!

I'd be having very strong words.

ARoseDowntown · 26/06/2021 20:04

Keep working OP. Don’t give up your income. I have a feeling you might need it.

Draineddraineddrained · 26/06/2021 20:06

Your husband is a controlling creepy pervert. How DARE he speak about you like that? What a hideous, vulgar little mind.

Cherrysoup · 26/06/2021 20:08

Is that what he thinks of you?

Original poster
Bitesizerainbows · 26/06/2021 20:12

He appears to think that I’m some sort of weak female who needs protecting. I’ve no interest in this man at all, even if there was anything ulterior about him asking to meet me which I’m 100% there isn’t anyway!

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 26/06/2021 20:13

OP, it’s nothing to don with protecting you, and everything to do with controlling you. Please have a good long think about the difference.

Dragongirl10 · 26/06/2021 20:13

Gosh op your DH has serious issues surrounding his attitude to women.

He clearly thinks of you as his property, does this not concern you?

Looubylou · 26/06/2021 20:13

Your husband is out of order, and should respect and trust you as a professional. However, playing devil's advocate, we are still being asked to work from home, what does this man hope to achieve that he could not achieve via teams meeting? In fairness to your husband, there are Infact many predatory males in the work place, looking out for little hotties with great tits, as he so eloquently puts it. Where does he want to meet?

Fairdosmun · 26/06/2021 20:14

@Looubylou

Your husband is out of order, and should respect and trust you as a professional. However, playing devil's advocate, we are still being asked to work from home, what does this man hope to achieve that he could not achieve via teams meeting? In fairness to your husband, there are Infact many predatory males in the work place, looking out for little hotties with great tits, as he so eloquently puts it. Where does he want to meet?
It really does not matter in the slightest what the other man's motivation is.

Jesus

Viviennemary · 26/06/2021 20:14

Do you mean meeting him in a workplace or not. Don't be too naive as regards a man's ulterior motives.

Original poster
Bitesizerainbows · 26/06/2021 20:16

He’s suggested a local community run cafe.
I was a bit surprised it wasn’t just over teams but I have met a few other people at the same sort of places - it’s just they’ve happened to be women.

OP posts:
ChairOnToast · 26/06/2021 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Fairdosmun · 26/06/2021 20:18

@Viviennemary

Do you mean meeting him in a workplace or not. Don't be too naive as regards a man's ulterior motives.
Ugh
Kettledodger · 26/06/2021 20:22

OMG he obviously has absolutely no trust in you. What does he think will happen in a face to face meeting? That this horrible man will turn you into a cheating woman with one wistful look?? He has some major issues and you need to nip them in the bud ASAP

VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 20:24

Even if he suspects some men might have ulterior motives - does he not think you already know this? it's not like he's offering you some amazing insight that you as a woman haven't already come to realise.

How the hell he reaches such a negative interpretation after an email and a conversation with yourself - which already explained the credibility of the request, is beyond me.

Would any reasonable person question a meeting between a man and a woman? no. Why should they?

Would any reasonable person question a serious of meetings, after hours between a man and a woman? perhaps - if it wasn't commonplace in normal circumstances.

The long and short of it is that he immediate assumed a sexual motive and reduced you to a pair of tits. He was incapable of imagining your actual business skills would be the prime motive for meeting. With that level of paranoia, even a man who might smile at you is a threat to him. That's utterly unhealthy for both of you.