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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by DH and his comment about my work?

130 replies

Bitesizerainbows · 26/06/2021 18:09

I’ve been a sahm for three years and have recently gone back into a job that I really wanted but is totally different from anything I’ve done before.
It’s involving meeting lots of new people, DH has been a bit heckles up when any of them have been men. Mainly I’m working at home but I’m having a few in person meetings now.
A couple of weeks ago I had a Teams meeting and one of the men on there said it would be good to have a meeting between my organisation and his. He then emailed me to arrange a meeting and would like to meet face to face, probably because he’s sick of meeting everyone virtually like the rest of us.
DH came into the room whilst I was working and read the email over my shoulder and I could see he wasn’t very happy about it and he said ‘why does he want a meeting with you?’ so I said he’d just requested one as we work in the same field and with the same sort of people. He made a sort of huh noise and asked how this man knew of me, I said we’d ‘met’ on a Teams meeting once before and DH said ‘yeah, he’s obviously thought that’s a nice little hottie with good tits, I’d like a piece of that.’
Aibu to find this massively annoying? The worst thing is it makes me defensive and I haven’t even done anything! Also I’m late 30s and I don’t believe this man has ANY ulterior motives in suggesting we meet. None at all.

OP posts:
JollyRanchess · 26/06/2021 18:59

Your husband is a rude and misogynistic prick

RaginaFalangi · 26/06/2021 19:02

Seriously, he needs to get a grip and tbh that comment your OH made is disgusting.
My dp has all women in his team at work and I'm not a crazy jealous person, I honestly couldn't care less because I trust him.

Dogfan · 26/06/2021 19:03

Agree with PP, major red flag. All my ex's have done this and they have all been abusive. I think it's a way to get what they want (not seeing other men ever!) But also working super hard to prove to them that you love them and are trustworthy. Quite often it's a way to deflect attention because they're cheating as well. Don't put up with it!

VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 19:04

He cannot possibly have a clue about this man's motives. A simple work meeting should be considered just that - a simple work meeting. Why would it be anything else?

By his reckoning, anybody who gives you a lift, or talks to you at a bar, or engages in some informal conversation must be doing so for ulterior motives. It's pathetic.

What next? doesn't like the blouse you're wearing? questioning your makeup?

Original poster
Bitesizerainbows · 26/06/2021 19:06

He does work with women himself - not loads but some. It doesn’t bother me at all obviously. My previous career was female dominated but this one is more mixed.
Pre pandemic when I used to actually go out he’d say I looked ‘too nice to go out without him’ or I wasn’t to speak to any men ‘including the barman’ but he’d be joking sort of, I think.

OP posts:
MrsClatterbuck · 26/06/2021 19:07

My DH worked in a Male dominated industry and dealt with a lot of reps. This also involved being gtaken out to lunch. Towards the end of his career a lot more women were doing rep and taking him out to lunch. Did I make any derogatory remarks or sulk or throw a tantrum. No because it was 2 professional people having a business lunch period. I actually got to meet one of the reps as she came over to do something in relation to her daughter's hobby. We met up with her and her daughter for a meal and had a great night's Craic.

MrsGulDukat · 26/06/2021 19:08

Your H is judging some poor bloke by his own scuzzy standards.

What a charming view of women he has.

This guy could be gay for all he knows.

VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 19:08

@Bitesizerainbows

He does work with women himself - not loads but some. It doesn’t bother me at all obviously. My previous career was female dominated but this one is more mixed. Pre pandemic when I used to actually go out he’d say I looked ‘too nice to go out without him’ or I wasn’t to speak to any men ‘including the barman’ but he’d be joking sort of, I think.
I think this recent comment has added a different perspective to that.
JosephineDeBeauharnais · 26/06/2021 19:08

He’s not joking.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 26/06/2021 19:08

@Bitesizerainbows

He does work with women himself - not loads but some. It doesn’t bother me at all obviously. My previous career was female dominated but this one is more mixed. Pre pandemic when I used to actually go out he’d say I looked ‘too nice to go out without him’ or I wasn’t to speak to any men ‘including the barman’ but he’d be joking sort of, I think.
He’s not joking
NotSorry · 26/06/2021 19:10

Pre pandemic when I used to actually go out he’d say I looked ‘too nice to go out without him’ or I wasn’t to speak to any men ‘including the barman’ but he’d be joking sort of, I think

He’s not joking, it’s how he thinks

BrutusMcDogface · 26/06/2021 19:12

Omg, I agree that is absolutely hideous. What a thing to say to you!! Is that all he thinks you are?! I’d tell him to FTFO.

DysmalRadius · 26/06/2021 19:12

Things you should be annoyed about :

  1. The fact that your husband doesn't respect you professionally and believes the only reason someone would want to meet you is to hit on you.
  1. The fact that your husband believes you are incapable of resisting the advances of a random man from work.
  1. The fact that your husband is clearly protecting his own thought processes onto this situation.
  1. The fact that your husbabd treats you badly because if the intentions he believes other men have towards you.
  1. The fact that your husband reads your emails without invitation.

And then about a thousand more things that begin and end with your husband's behaviour. The idea that you're annoyed because you don't think you're attractive enough for it to even be an issue is so, so sad. Please don't let this dick make you feel bad about your new job and independence. Embrace this new opportunity and fuck him off!!

DariaMorgendorffer · 26/06/2021 19:13

You deserve better op, he sounds horrible.

VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 19:16

How would he feel if a female colleague asked him to attend a meeting, and you said 'don't flatter yourself, she doesn't want your professional input, she just realises you'll lust after her and agree to anything, you're that pathetic' - he'd be fuming.

Oh no, it'd be all about how credible and informative he was and how she'd be needing his valuable advice...

It's two faced fuckery of the finest form.

JaceLancs · 26/06/2021 19:17

Ex DP tried to control me in same way - lots of comments like ‘he fancies you - you know - I can tell’
I called him out on his insecurity - he also used to try the I’m just looking after you and your best interests routine if I was doing something work related he disagreed with
As others have said - note he is Ex

SengaMac · 26/06/2021 19:18

He has no right to read your emails, especially not your work emails that he would never see if you were in an office.

He's being horrible, altogether.

Lilymossflower · 26/06/2021 19:19

My abusive ex was very very similar

username059471 · 26/06/2021 19:21

OP you sound like you have very low self esteem and a low opinion of yourself. I wonder if the charmer you're married to has anything to do with that. Perhaps he's been chipping away at you over the years, to make you see yourself, a woman in her prime, as someone no man would ever be interested in.

He sounds dreadful.

Angeldust2810 · 26/06/2021 19:28

This was my abusive ex. If a guy spoke to me it’s because I was sleeping with him or he wanted to. Sulked when I went to work parties or after work drinks. Insist on picking me up but instead of waiting for my call, he’d turn up after an hour and tantrum till I left.

I realised years later he was trying to derail my career to keep me under his thumb.

My DH couldn’t be more different. He encourages me and celebrates my successes as ours and I his because we are a team.

ElephantCup · 26/06/2021 19:28

You don’t really seem concerned about these comments? Your husband sounds like a jealous controlling twat

VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 19:28

I didn't really interpret the OP as having any lack of self-esteem. Just confidence that when someone asks for a meeting it's because it's a sensible sharing of information and she has something to offer.

It's her DH that seems to have the insecurities.

No matter what happens in life, this lady is going to meet other men. Some handsome, some interesting, some might be both. Why not just be proud of what she's capable of rather than intimidated by her potential appeal to colleagues.

JustLyra · 26/06/2021 19:30

@Bitesizerainbows

He does work with women himself - not loads but some. It doesn’t bother me at all obviously. My previous career was female dominated but this one is more mixed. Pre pandemic when I used to actually go out he’d say I looked ‘too nice to go out without him’ or I wasn’t to speak to any men ‘including the barman’ but he’d be joking sort of, I think.
He wasn't joking. He meant it, he was just hiding it better than he is now.
MadMadMadamMim · 26/06/2021 19:33

Goodness, your husband is a charmless prick, isn't he?

My advice would be to keep the job and start thinking about divorce.

Benjispruce3 · 26/06/2021 19:36

Annoying? It’s offensive.