AIBU unreasonable for hating myself as a humble bragger?

[ladywriter1234]

So now I'm 43 (whisper it) I'm becoming a bit more self aware. And I beg you to be kind because this is kinda a big thing for me. Some background - I'm an only child, have a lovely DH, DS (5) and I realise I have this bad habit. This is it. I think it's an insecurity thing but with people even who I know well, I need to tell them something that makes me worthy of their love and friendship. I guess I'm a humble bragger. More BG - I've done pretty ok in my career, getting to the top of a very male dominated business etc which at times has been very traumatic, it's felt like a big struggle. And yes, I'm one of those idiots who's always thought of their own value as being linked to their career. My DH (kindly I must add) has said a few times "Ladywriter, you don't need to tell people how good you are, you don't need to impress them, they love you for you" But I do this, I know he's right and I hate it. My friends from my career, I don't do it with, because they know, but others I can't seem to stop myself from dropping in "oh you know when I won this of the year etc" not bragging, just giving context. It's embarrassing. And I hate it. Is anyone else the same and can you help me (kindly please) thank you

Well at least you know you are doing it. I would just try really really hard to stop it.

Thank you Bumzoo I am trying all the time. I think I am getting better but DH says I still do it. It's like a compulsion. Any advice?

Sounds like you're just a bragger TBH! But who cares, as long as you can back it up and don't make other people feel small.

This post in itself feels like a humble brag. Keep working on it, OP...

I’m not sure what you’ve described is a humble brag?
Do you mean an outright brag I.e, ‘when I won best such and such award’ or a humble brag ? A humble brag would be more like ‘oh dear I’m so embarrassed I won this award but it actually doesn’t mean anything and there’s so many people better than me...’

Is there someone that you admire and like to listen to when they tell stories? Could you channel them and try telling stories in their 'style' to help you focus on being more relaxed about letting details unfold more naturally?

Be mindful before you speak. Even if you have to pause before you reply. Nobody likes a bragger op. I had a friend like this and we all just pitied her because she achieved the exact opposite.

@Birkie248 yes the latter of what you describe but the outtake is still the same. @VodkaSlimline and my terror is that maybe I am doing that. Im sorry I sound like a dick as @Elisandra kindly pointed out but I am serious. I don't know how else to put this so I don't sound like exactly what im trying to stop. Just trying to give context, maybe it came across wrong.

Sounds like you’re aware but that doesn’t help the impulse. Have a think about what it would mean to you if nobody knew you were successful at work. Are there people in your life who would care less about you? People who wouldn’t be bothered? When you think about the people you admire, do you care a lot about their careers? Ultimately, you’ve noticed a discrepancy between your behaviour and the way you’d like to act, but is there a discrepancy between your actions and your values? Perhaps you believe some things about yourself or others that aren’t true. Perhaps they are true, and your social circle is not inline with your own core values. Actions we cringe at but can’t seem to change suggest an incongruence somewhere.

Ok, you need to slow down and think about what you are saying before it comes or.
Maybe try to listen more than you speak?
I have form for waffling pointless stuff to fill gaps and find myself repeating pointless shite 🙈. I just slow myself down and try to consider things.

I think you're right to carry on reflecting about why you keep doing this. I have a friend like this and it really makes it hard to be close to her (other friends find this too) as what she says is not conversational, it's asking for admiration. She does it more when she feels unsure about herself so we all put up with it but it's hard work.

What led you to think your career is linked to your self-worth? Might be worth looking at the origin of this so you can fully see it for the nonsense it is.

@SweetToothsAntlers thank you that is an amazing response. I had a career crisis a while ago and thought about a completely different career path. And I had a realisation that none of my true friends would care what I was. At all. They'd still feel the same about me. Which is why this is so stupid. My husband said to me "I don't know who you're trying to impress with your drive in all this" the best thing that helped a bit was this School of Life article - I'll link it if you're interested - it's one of the best things I've ever read . I never realised but this probably stems from some kind of childhood people please thing. www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/overcoming-the-need-to-be-exceptional/

@Minezatea thank you I feel like you just described my dynamic with some of my friends. One gently said to me once "but what else is happening, other than your job" the closeness that you speak about makes me feel sad.

I'd suggest trying counselling or self-help to address the self-esteem issues behind it.

It's really positive that you've developed some self-awareness around it, but I think it's going to take time and hard work to build up your self-worth and to examine why you're so desperate for superficial external validation in the first place (not that I'm judging, as I struggle with this too, although mine doesn't manifest as bragging).

@LonginesPrime thank you yes it's definitely a self esteem thing, therapy would be useful

I don’t care what my friends do for work, or if they work at all. As long as they’re happy in their jobs. Having a mega successful friend who bragged would be intimidating (and boring)!to me.

It’s good you’re aware of it. wjat you described is just bragging by the way, not ‘humble bragging’. Your post is a humble brag though. “Every time I do this terrible thing it my husband tells me how amazing I am and that people naturally love me so much just for who I am, I don’t need to impress them…”

People will be laughing about you behind your back. If that doesn’t bother you, crack on. If it does, work on increasing that self-awareness and pack it in.

I think that’s plain boasting rather than humble bragging. Your whole posts sounds like you’re boasting. You could think about how your bragging makes you more insufferable than loveable, which is why your partner has repeatedly tried to stop you from doing it. I have a friend who does this (gets 1000x times worse when she’s had a drink), and it just comes across that she thinks she’s superior to everyone because none of us can match how ‘successful’ she thinks she is.

Are you like Amanda, from friends?

@Briarshollow thanks but this couldn't be further from the truth! Lol. My husband thinks what I do is utterly ridiculous. He's in medical, I'm in advertising (you coulda guessed right?) and actually he's quite harsh on me. And the weird thing is, of all of this, he's the least impressed by me but I love that. But you're right it is bragging and I am mortified by my behaviour.

Sounds like standard bragging and smugness to me. Even in your post lol

@Briarshollow

It’s good you’re aware of it. wjat you described is just bragging by the way, not ‘humble bragging’. Your post is a humble brag though. “Every time I do this terrible thing it my husband tells me how amazing I am and that people naturally love me so much just for who I am, I don’t need to impress them…”

People will be laughing about you behind your back. If that doesn’t bother you, crack on. If it does, work on increasing that self-awareness and pack it in.

That’s what I was thinking but I didn’t know how to word it. Like ‘I’m so amazing anyway that I don’t even need to brag about how successful I am and how many awards I’ve won and how much everyone loves me’. But she does it anyway 🙄

Even on this thread you literally cannot stop bragging
I don’t think you need help with your self esteem. I imagine that your one of those people who hasn’t had much go wrong. Correct me if I’m wrong.

I have a friend like you, I internally eye roll all the time, and think, you did nothing other than not be thick as mince and have a lot of luck in life.

Maybe look at yourself like that.

Jesus, I knew you guys would roast me but how else can I put it? I know what I do is a load of bollocks, I know I am privileged, I know I know. I was trying to be honest. Without some background how can you assess? Just to be clear, in my heart I know it doesn't matter a rats arse what you "DO" in life, I know what truly matters is your heart and your character and this stuff is harsh but I need to hear it. Thank you, but again, please be kind if you can. There's an actual human behind the keyboard here

I do this.

I used to be a TV reporter many, many years ago including live broadcasts.

I feel compelled to mention it at work so that people know I'm not 'just' a producer!!

I hate myself for doing it, I eye roll at myself internally.

I know it's an insecurity thing and I do do it a lot less these days because I cringe when I do!!!

It's really a compulsion, I feel the words trying to force their way out and I fight them back

I think it's related to the fact I haven't achieved what I wanted - life got in the way and I prioritised other things over my career.

Instead of embracing that I'm ashamed of my lack of success...

I do have to work hard at not doing it but I can't always stop myself.