AIBU unreasonable for hating myself as a humble bragger?

[ladywriter1234]

So now I'm 43 (whisper it) I'm becoming a bit more self aware. And I beg you to be kind because this is kinda a big thing for me. Some background - I'm an only child, have a lovely DH, DS (5) and I realise I have this bad habit. This is it. I think it's an insecurity thing but with people even who I know well, I need to tell them something that makes me worthy of their love and friendship. I guess I'm a humble bragger. More BG - I've done pretty ok in my career, getting to the top of a very male dominated business etc which at times has been very traumatic, it's felt like a big struggle. And yes, I'm one of those idiots who's always thought of their own value as being linked to their career. My DH (kindly I must add) has said a few times "Ladywriter, you don't need to tell people how good you are, you don't need to impress them, they love you for you" But I do this, I know he's right and I hate it. My friends from my career, I don't do it with, because they know, but others I can't seem to stop myself from dropping in "oh you know when I won this of the year etc" not bragging, just giving context. It's embarrassing. And I hate it. Is anyone else the same and can you help me (kindly please) thank you

@Taliskerskye wow c'mon... really. You must surely know by now that the people who seem the most together often are not. I don't think I'm thick as mince, I worked my arse off, in the face of all kinds of what I class as trauma. If I had my time again, would I do this same career? No I wouldn't because I know the sacrifice (too much) it has got to get here. Rather than judging me I'd love to know if you think some of that trauma might be behind this.

I did not say you “sound like a dick” or anything close. As you are tying to address this, I thought it was worth pointing out that your OP in itself comes across as a humble brag. From later posts you do seem very intolerant of (perceived) criticism.

[quote ladywriter1234]@Briarshollow thanks but this couldn't be further from the truth! Lol. My husband thinks what I do is utterly ridiculous. He's in medical, I'm in advertising (you coulda guessed right?) and actually he's quite harsh on me. And the weird thing is, of all of this, he's the least impressed by me but I love that. But you're right it is bragging and I am mortified by my behaviour.[/quote]
I could be hypersensitive to it but all of your posts seem braggy, including that last one to me. Why would I have guessed you’re in advertising? Why is it relevant that your husband is ‘in medical’? Do you consider yourself so impressive that your husband’s refusal to be impress, in turn impresses you?

I know I’m being harsh but it really is a bad habit. It won’t endear anyone to you. And if it does stem from low self-esteem, which you mask well, then you might want to think about tackling that.

Can I just ask OP, do you find yourself bringing conversations round to you, your opinions, experiences, expectations and haves ?

Do you brag about your child's milestones and achievements? Or just work?

@Elisandra

This post in itself feels like a humble brag. Keep working on it, OP...

I'm afraid I thought the same

You said you need to say something that makes you worthy of love and friendship. Being successful in a job doesn’t make you worthy of love and friendship it makes you successful in a job. Love and friendship is about caring for other people, listening to them and connecting with them. Bragging just comes across as someone thinking they’re better than everyone else and it’s a sure-fire way to make people want to distance themselves from you. Having humility is an endearing quality.

That's a tough industry for females of our age, I had to pack it in and go into public sector comms instead. I still have to deal with ad agencies but I do not miss it one bit!

@ladywriter1234
Eh?
I said you weren’t thick as mince!

And yes I know lots of people who really haven’t had life limiting trauma. That could involve many things. I find people who have struggled in life with trauma really don’t brag. They check themselves much more regularly with what they have.

Obviously there may be many with huge insecurity’s - but that’s not my experience

@DroopyClematis possibly. If Im being hard on myself, probably yes

@Constellationstation thank you. Beautiful post. And I feel that what you talk about (the good things) is what I am in life about. Thank you.

But yes see a therapist. If your DH thinks it’s that bad, either he’s not kind to you. Or it’s really bad.
Because I don’t even mention it to people I like enough. I take it with a pinch of salt.

Advertising people - honestly, I have never met a bunch of people like it EVER. So maybe be it’s just rubbed off on you.

I’ve genuinely never met anyone in advertising that isn’t a nob to an outsider

Why are you having to whisper your age? This all sounds weird. Why would anyone outside of your work give a rats arse if you won an industry award? Do you have a lot of friends?

@Miraloma thank you. Yes it's been a shitshow. The stories I could tell, as Im sure you could too

@Taliskerskye ha that's funny. Yes I've had so many knobs. But at the same time, so many amazing, genuine good souls. Unfortunately the knobs are the ones in charge and you fight that evert day

@Forstarters define a lot of friends. I'd rather have half a dozen close than dozens of not so close ones. Sorry I was trying to be funny because the rest of the world seems to shit on people over 40.

@ladywriter1234

Thank you Bumzoo I am trying all the time. I think I am getting better but DH says I still do it. It's like a compulsion. Any advice?

Well my advice is just stop. Or am I really missing something here?

I mean it's not like dieting, giving up smoking or turning your whole life around.

Whenever you open your mouth and a brag is about to come out, just close it again.

Or try to imagine all the inward eye-rolls it's been causing and that might help?

@WorraLiberty thank you good tips

Different things matter to different people. Some people want a house with wow factor to impress all their visitors. Either you need to disassociate yourself from your job (after all, what you DO is not the same as who you ARE) or accept it, embrace it and carry on!

One thing I would point out is that if your identity is wrapped up in your job and something goes wrong (you make a mistake, you get made redundant etc) then you might end up having a total existential crisis.

Are you sure you're actually bragging, or is your DH subtly trying to put you down/gaslight you? Do you earn more, or are you more notable in your field than he is in his?

Yes I was thinking are you actually as bad as you think you are
Or is your husband a knob

My SIL does this, not just the humble bragging part, just in general talking about herself a lot, what she's been doing, how hard it all is. She doesn't seem to care much to ask about other people. Makes me not want to speak to her any more to be honest.

For you, it's good that you have realised. Do you ask about others and compliment them for things they've done? Perhaps before meeting with someone you can think through about what you can talk about and how you can avoid the humble brags? Like if it usually happens when you talk about work or your life, aim for a more neutral conversation about something in the news, something you're reading etc. Not sure if that will help, but good luck.

@trilbydoll yes you're absolutely right

@HavelockVetinari yes to all questions but he doesn't give a shit about jobs. And yes sometimes I've felt he's being overly harsh, especially as I am trying to change. But I think he has a point. And I want to correct anything that anyone sees as a fault

@Taliskerskye thank you. Yeah, I think if you split the difference between how bad he and everyone on here thinks I am and the reality you'd be about right. Which is still not good enough