AIBU unreasonable for hating myself as a humble bragger?

[ladywriter1234]

So now I'm 43 (whisper it) I'm becoming a bit more self aware. And I beg you to be kind because this is kinda a big thing for me. Some background - I'm an only child, have a lovely DH, DS (5) and I realise I have this bad habit. This is it. I think it's an insecurity thing but with people even who I know well, I need to tell them something that makes me worthy of their love and friendship. I guess I'm a humble bragger. More BG - I've done pretty ok in my career, getting to the top of a very male dominated business etc which at times has been very traumatic, it's felt like a big struggle. And yes, I'm one of those idiots who's always thought of their own value as being linked to their career. My DH (kindly I must add) has said a few times "Ladywriter, you don't need to tell people how good you are, you don't need to impress them, they love you for you" But I do this, I know he's right and I hate it. My friends from my career, I don't do it with, because they know, but others I can't seem to stop myself from dropping in "oh you know when I won this of the year etc" not bragging, just giving context. It's embarrassing. And I hate it. Is anyone else the same and can you help me (kindly please) thank you

If you've worked hard and reached the top of your profession and won some awards, then why the hell shouldn't you brag a bit!

You carry on. Well done for your achievements. Keep gently bragging.

Meh, don't worry about it. Sometimes it's nice to be with people talking positively about themselves and their achievements and without the negativity, moaning or false modesty. What is unattractive is being overly self-conscious though. So just be yourself, that's the best thing.

Men have no issues with boasting about accomplishments and telling their mates (and anyone who’ll listen) how great they are at their jobs/sports/hobbies/breeding/whatever.

Why is it a woman cannot do this without feelings of guilt, shame or being accused of bragging?
If you are proud of your achievements then shout about them. It can get a bit dull for others after a while but that’s up to them how they deal with it.

I’m so sick of hearing successful and competent women making little of what they do to appear demure and behave appropriately for a little lady.
FTS!

Wear successes like a badge of honour.

@mumchkin

Thank you *@Kentuki* I needed that xx

Namechange fail?

This might not be relevant, but I’ve recently discovered a method of journaling, which I am finding so helpful, and from what you’ve written, I think it could be useful in helping you figure out WHY it is that you behave this way. I use this for chronic pain, but it’s really interesting and amazing the things it throws up, and the understanding you get about your past. Nicole Sachs is the woman who came up with it (based on some work by another Doctor who specialised in the mind/body connection and chronic conditions). Anyway, as I said, it’s mostly used as a way to help release repressed emotions, which might be causing chronic physical conditions, but honestly, I think most people would benefit from a similar practice just to help them cope with life and it’s various anxieties etc. Nicole has a great podcast and YouTube channel, and this is the video which goes into her Journalspeak method in detail As I said, might not be useful, but your posts made me think of it. It sounds like you’re aware of yourself doing the bragging, but I imagine it’s very hard to stop such an engrained habit. Maybe understanding why you do it, and the feelings behind it, might help you to get a handle on it

Its not gently bragging though - its just tedious
If one of my mates kept harping on about 'when I won this of the year' when I already knew (which I presume they do) I'd roll my eyes and talk to someone else.
Again same if it was a man . Friends are pleased for you but only the first time and not if it's continuously shoved down their throats.
Its not about being proud of what you have achieved its about not being a wanker

My sister in law does this. I don't thing she knows!

It's not straight up bragging, it's different in the way that you describe it OP - you can sort of tell it come from insecurity. She has a very impressive job/house/car/life and is really lovely, I love her to bits, but it's like she's always trying to make sure you know how important she is at work and all that.

I don't give a shit, I like her anyway and just kind of nod along when she starts doing it. I've noticed she doesn't do it when we are alone because I've very much got a 'nothing to see here!' career, but when we are with other people who have good jobs she really starts doing it.

At least you've noticed it OP and can regulate yourself a bit!

In our circle of friends we have some SAHPs , an unemployed person , a director of a multinational company , some nhs workers at various levels and some civil servants.Except to tell funny stories about our work mates/customers/patients we dont mention work at all. Why would we .It means nothing to anyone outside of that industry . We talk about our kids and hobbies(and kids hobbies). We plan holidays and compare places we have been and where to go. Our levels of income are wildly different but except for spending our lives dont really differ. Some of us shop only online and never look at the price - some of us are Aldi and charity shoppers. But we all have homes and families we are proud of . We all have hopes and dreams and having friends to share these with has become vital to our combined mental health.
OP why not try to keep allmentions f work out of your conversations? You must have other things you can chat about. Other experiences you want to share or compare?

People just ignore it if you are interesting/nice anyway. If not they just give you a swerve. Either way no need to think about it.

@Titterofwit that's so lovely that you have a social circle like that! I find that as life goes on, social circles tend to get stratified according to social and economic status, probably because of the kinds of insecurities that the OP displays . And I think it's really unhealthy, everyone's world becomes more insular. You must have a really mature bunch of friends!

@ladywriter1234 - your career does partially define you. It sounds like you have a conflict between the person you want to be seen as and the person you have had to be to get to where you are. If you were entirely the person your dh says people love you for, 100% of the time, you wouldn’t be where you are in your career and then you might be spending your time trying to tell people why a career is unimportant to you, because you would have a need for people to know that not having a glittering career was a choice, not an accident.

Whether you like it or not, your status is important to you and you have fought so hard in a male dominated industry not to be overlooked and undermined that it is hard to switch that off, and I suspect a bit of you does as a consequence think that people wouldn’t actually like you for who you are if you did not make them aware of certain things you achieved, because if they were not aware of them, they wouldn’t truly know who you are!… And I think it is all very well of your dh to criticise you from his slightly smug position of being in a career where there is a less obvious conflict between being a good person and being successful, because he has chosen a career perceived to be a do-good sort of choice, but most people have more of a conflict than that between the careers that they do and the sort of kind, empathetic people they might like to be viewed as by their friends.

OP I’m not getting a sense of bragging/smugness from your posts, I think you sound nice and you’re trying to improve something about yourself.
I think I get what you’re describing though.
Maybe if you don’t realise you’re bragging, you could try talking less and listening more to other people, asking more questions. I keep a lot to myself (possibly a confidence/low self esteem issue), don’t really share problems, achievements, big news etc and my friends are always surprised when they find out about something big that’s happened in my life about 6 months after it’s happened... because I just haven’t wanted to say anything.

Sometimes I witter on a bit when I get nervous so when I feel myself about to do it, I’ve started to take a deep breath and ask the other person a question. Could you try that when you feel a brag coming on?

Agree with Titterofwit- never even feel the need to talk about work with any set of my friends - old school friends, mum friends, inlaws etc

You're in advertising. Surely that's just you doing your job skills on you? Advertisers have to find and brag about any good points.

Your post reminds me of this sketch

I think you sound fine too. You’re aware of what you do, and can now work on toning it down.

You know, the older I've gotten, the more I've come to realise how random life can be, and whilst many people DO succeed in life as a result of their talents, the vast majority are pretty prone to the sheer randomness of stuff.

Two very talented people can suffer very different fates, and it would seem churlish to claim one was 'lucky' but at the same time, utterly crass to claim the other was a failure. People get cancer, companies go bankrupt. Some have appreciative bosses, some have abusive ones... there is so much randomness to it all, I've learned to be far less judgmental and appreciative of folks skills, no matter where in life they are at.

I prefer to admire people who accept they are not the complete masters of their own destiny / fortune and who also don't judge others based on their fortunes. These are people I admire (now).

Your posts do come across as bragging- as if you're trying to pseudo hide it but can't quite help yourself. Particularly the "coulda guessed" comment about working in advertising. Honestly, if you feel the need you impress people you're I think the outcome is probably the opposite of that. If you are feeling insecure then you need to work on how you feel about yourself, because that sort of false self-deprecating showing off isn't going to make you feel better and people can see through it.

Hi OP,

It's tricky to know how to advise you without it sounding like a criticism or snipe.

I guess I'd start by saying that to me and I bet a trillion other people, a career in advertising doesn't stand out as something super-wow or aspirational, so maybe I just don't get it. I honestly wouldn't care any more about a big campaign than I would any other friend's big project.

I think it sounds like you have a self esteem issue which only you know where that comes from. It's such a blessed relief when you're happy with yourself and other people's opinions don't matter.

If you watch Motherland, the moment when Anne revealed her pre-kids career as being Head of Global Products for GlaxoSmithKline - aim for that level of Zen and you'll never fret again!!

Also OP, are you American?

Your writing has that kind of style, and if you are, I do think that the US level of self-promotion and the UK level are very different.

People are being a bit harsh on here. Are you trying to convince other people that you’re worthy, or are you actually saying it for your own benefit. In a soothing ‘I’m ok’ kind of way. I’d have a look at a book called ‘You’re not Listening’ by Kate Murphy

I think it might help to properly understand that most people don't give a shit what job anyone else does.

I have friends running million pound companies started from a kitchen table, consultant surgeons, teachers, care workers etc etc. No one cares. When we meet it's just how are you? No I'm wants to hear about work.

People just want to know about you. Not a job. Job talk is boring as fuck.

Now you've said you're in advertising that does put a different slant on it for me. I wonder if you are sort of 'advertising/marketing' yourself or something? Or you think your job is a bit silly or unworthy compared to your husband being a Dr (or whatever he is) and you are trying to somehow seek validation or prove that it's not?

The whole thing with your husband sounds odd to me. Maybe you're really annoying with the bragging or maybe he is trying to put you back in your place with his comments, but I can't really imagine me and my husband talking to each other the way he talks to you.