AIBU unreasonable for hating myself as a humble bragger?

[ladywriter1234]

So now I'm 43 (whisper it) I'm becoming a bit more self aware. And I beg you to be kind because this is kinda a big thing for me. Some background - I'm an only child, have a lovely DH, DS (5) and I realise I have this bad habit. This is it. I think it's an insecurity thing but with people even who I know well, I need to tell them something that makes me worthy of their love and friendship. I guess I'm a humble bragger. More BG - I've done pretty ok in my career, getting to the top of a very male dominated business etc which at times has been very traumatic, it's felt like a big struggle. And yes, I'm one of those idiots who's always thought of their own value as being linked to their career. My DH (kindly I must add) has said a few times "Ladywriter, you don't need to tell people how good you are, you don't need to impress them, they love you for you" But I do this, I know he's right and I hate it. My friends from my career, I don't do it with, because they know, but others I can't seem to stop myself from dropping in "oh you know when I won this of the year etc" not bragging, just giving context. It's embarrassing. And I hate it. Is anyone else the same and can you help me (kindly please) thank you

Fwiw op I understand. I think it comes from a place of low self esteem so you need something to define you, and validate you and your work does that.

I'm in a creative field and I love/am good at what I do and it's very much a part of who I am.

If you were sacked tomorrow and had to work in a supermarket, how would you feel (disclaimer there's nothing wrong with working in a supermarket. I've recently done it when work tanked - It's just a world away from what op currently does and is not considered a 'career' as such)

I wonder if your ego needs the validation because you feel 'small' otherwise? Just a thought?

@Imicola thank you yes I don't think I'm completely unaware. I make a point of what you talked about but it creeps in. And I want to stop that creeping in.
I think awareness, as many have said is the first step

Well this is AIBU so you literally went looking for a bashing.
Perhaps you are not as bad as anyone tells you.
We are mere strangers on the Internet and you set yourself up to fail!

It's rude to show off, try and think of it like that? Stop showing off? Agree with others even your OP isn't humble, so YABU, but you already know it, so not sure what you're after here tbh.

At least you have self awareness most in your situation don't.
My Dsis wonders why her DD is a bragger and a very critical 5 year old. like her DM

Why don't you confess to your friends that you realise you've become a compulsive bragger and make a joke of it, tell them that whenever you start to brag they can do a buzzer noise or something. Say you get that it must be annoying, you want to stop being annoying.

A good tip would be to keep thinking that no one wants to hear it and they are all trying to make it stop. I don't think you can call people out for judging you, when you posted asking for advice.

Is it bragging?

I’d be thrilled for my friend if they were successful and achieving so much. I’d be telling everyone my mate won such and such an award.
Surely it’s just sharing news? And being proud of yourself?

Unless your friend is saying “I won employee of the month at my retail job” and you counter with “well I won Business woman of the galaxy at the recent G7” I can’t see the problem. You sound great!

There's a tonne of stuff on "mindful listening and speaking" on YouTube. I'd start with that, with an emphasis on the listening part since better communication starts with that.

@VodkaSlimline

Sounds like you're just a bragger TBH! But who cares, as long as you can back it up and don't make other people feel small.

I don't think so at all. I think that the OP is really insecure and lacking in confidence.

Are you actually happy with your lot in life? I've found the people who brag the most are usually the people who are miserable with what they have and have covered up the sad parts of their life with thrills. You said your husband insists you're wonderful as you are, but are you?
Are you actually just a bad person trying to insist you're good because you have x,y,z?

Maybe work on other parts of your personality and communication skills e.g. compassion, judgement, listening and see if that helps you. Try to focus on other people's good parts rather than sharing yours. You've had a lot of replies on here already but have yet to ask anyone a question and most of your sentences start with 'I'.

This reminds of Matt Hancock before KissGate, when he said he was too busy saving lives to do whatever it was he was meant to be doing. Sorry, I tend to shut off when he starts to talk.

But I wasn't thinking of you, I was thinking about your husband. He's got this great job in medicine - can any other job really compare? I wonder whether you are aware of this discrepancy in the usefulness and status of your jobs and you feel you have to give yourself a little boost every now and then, as though you're saying, "OK I'm not saving lives like you are, but actually people think I'm pretty good at my job."

You say he thinks your job is ridiculous. I'd really struggle with that. You are clearly doing well at it but not only is he belittling you, you have this problem in that he's saving the planet.

Why isn't it your husband who's telling people, "I'm so proud of OP, she won an award today"?

In fact the more I think about it the more I think the problem lies right there with him.

I'm in advertising (you coulda guessed right?)

Well, I certainly hadn't guessed. However, the fact that you wrote that suggests that you spend a lot of time projecting onto other people. The fact is that other people are just not that bothered about you. Not in a nasty way - just in the way that most of us have our families and/or a handful of really good, close friends, and we just don't have the mental or emotional space for much else.

You have said yourself that what matters is one's heart and character. On the whole, if you are pleasant and cheerful and take an interest in other people's lives, you will be liked (even if you are - whisper it - over 40).

Take a deep breath, ask them about themselves and their children/lives/jobs (if you must). Don't talk about yours unless someone asks you. If you can, find something funny or interesting to say about it - but not something that involves you playing a central role. All the usual stuff that you will presumably bring your child up to do.

I think these things can be harder for only children to learn, btw. Children with siblings tend to get bragging knocked out of them by one another. I know this is a generalisation but it's still a fact.

Can I ask whether you earn more than him?

@ladywriter1234, stop thinking about it.

You know if you are cycling and you look at a pothole and think 'I mustn't cycle into that pothole' you are far more likely to do it than if you concentrate on where you want to go.

Why in the world do you think this is a bad thing? I know women are brought up to think it’s rude to brag about their achievements but quite honestly I can’t see any man in a million years wringing his hands in case he comes off as a bragger. You are good at your job, you have made achievements in a male dominated industry - brag away - brag particularly loudly to other males in a senior position so they might promote young female talent! This is such a double standard. No your friends don’t base your value on your achievements but the good ones will be proud and celebrate and the really close ones will pass you the bill so you don’t get too full of yourself (haha). Well done on your achievements

Women don't tend to do well unless they are as you describe op. Your tedious socially though.

Thank you @Kentuki I needed that xx

Well you do sound a bit smug but it’s not the worst thing to be.
I think it’s a female conditioning thing but also an English thing, we can’t say we are good at things we have to be self deprecating
If it’s not alienating people who cares really?

@Hoppinggreen

Well you do sound a bit smug but it’s not the worst thing to be. I think it’s a female conditioning thing but also an English thing, we can’t say we are good at things we have to be self deprecating If it’s not alienating people who cares really?

Yes, this is what I meant as well. No need to bang on about your awesome achievements if not relevant, but it's not something to hide either. Own your success.

By the way, I usually hate the School of Life for being navel-gazing and pretentious but as someone who embraced mediocrity late in life, I rather liked that article - thank you for sharing it :)

You really need to curb this fast.
It's pretty obvious when people have a good job without them going on and on about it. Male or female.
Your friends will be pleased for you but if you shove it down their throats every time you meet them they will just cringe. If your DH has noticed it it's probably bad and whether it's coming from insecurity or low self esteem doesn't affect those you are boasting to. They will just think you have turned into a plonker.
I know plenty of women who do well career wise without this - it's not a requirement. Whatever input it takes to do it you just need to stop.
At least you have insight.
I would be equally unimpressed if it was a man bragging

I've found this thread to be an interesting read. I think braggers always have a reason for doing so, low self-esteem, maybe it was the way you were brought up, maybe you need to brag to be heard etc. There's a lady at my Son's primary school who is a chronic bragger about her life, mainly on facebook. Puts loads of photos on about all the amazing things she does with her kids, tries to get attention for everything, recently put a post on about approaching 40 and loosing her looks and how to deal with it, in the sense that she knows she is about much more than her looks. I was brought up to have hardly any self-confidence and have low self esteem for various reasons and tbh her posts make me hate her to the point of almost wishing ill on her, not nice I know. O and people (including me) do take the piss out of her behind her back. I have stopped going on facebook for various reasons btw. I would just say, self esteem is fine (lucky you), but look carefully at your reasons for bragging and maybe think about how crap it can make other people feel, both to themselves and towards you.

Not sure about the humble part.

Why shouldn't you be proud of what you've done? Enjoy your successes?

@ArabellaScott

Why shouldn't you be proud of what you've done? Enjoy your successes?

The OP's talking about her tedious bragging, not whether she should be proud or not.