WIBU to try to stop someone else's child from becoming extremely overweight?

[Boomerwang]

My ex's (father of my daughter) brother has two daughters (15 and 9) with his long time partner. All three ladies/girls have varying degrees of mental disability. Both of their parents have had surigal intervention to lose weight rapidly because their health was bad due to obesity.

Both girls have always been overweight. Once a week we all meet up at the grandparents house for a bbq and this is where I notice the older girl in particular helps herself (in front of everyone) to extremely large portions, twice over. Today she had a total of 4 pieces of bread and butter, 10 slices of cheese (about the size of beer coaster each) 3 large bbq ribs (the full length ones), about half a kilo of potato gratin (in two trips) two hot dogs (no bread) and then for dessert two portions of ice cream (adult portions) and some strawberries plus a total of about 500ml of sprite.

She's only just 15 and I can see her ballooning. This is typical of the amount she eats every time I see her. No, I don't know what she's eating at home but I do see she's getting very big, very fast and I'm worried that once the weight is on she will never get it off again because she will not have the support.

All this happens in front of her grandparents. I monitor what my daughter eats there and if I think she's having too much I get told that she's allowed to eat what she wants at grandma's house. I told them there's a limit and I decide what it is because I am responsible for her. They didn't say anything more on the matter, but obviously these other two girls who are cousins of my daughter (the younger child also eats a lot but not quite as much) and I do NOT have responsibility over what they eat but I feel like I can see into their future and history will repeat itself.

I'm suprised their own parents don't reflect on the surgery they had to take in order to lose weight to spare their lives and try to protect their kids.

I don't want to start a war but I feel like nobody cares or understands what is going to happen to these young girls if nobody takes control of their intake.

So, should I butt out and let it continue, because they are not my children although they are my family or do I try to get support from another family member and approach the parents?

Or something else entirely?

Very much appreciate whatever advice you guys can provide as I'm really torn and maybe I should just mind my own business.

I totally agree for the most part that people shouldn't try to parent anyone else's kids and I would not take kindly to someone trying to do it to mine... but isn't this different? Isn't this a health matter that someone has to intervene over?

You butt out, as difficult as it might keep you need to hold your tongue on this one.

It sounds like you have a fairly decent relationship with your ex-inlaws/your ex and saying something, especially roping another relative in to back you up, is not going to go over well so will potentially damage that and for what gain? Their eating habits aren't going to change because you've said something but their feelings towards you certainly will.

I’m not surprised you want to intervene, I would feel the same, they’re being set up for a life time of health problems. I don’t think there’s anything you can really do though, both school and the GP will see how big they’re getting so they might be able to get through to the parents. I just don’t see that it would go well at all if you tried to say something.

It's difficult as they are your daughters family, but not yours.
Whatever you say isn't going to go down well.
I don't think there is a way you can help, even if your heart is in the right place. It's just going come back on you, but not make any difference to what the children eat.

I understand why you want to help, but the question is going to be how to approach it sensitively and how to make sure they receive the appropriate help. You do you, but be prepared for this to go very wrong if your approach is going to be limited to something like 'You need to learn to stop eating when you've had enough or you're only going to get fatter'.

No, stay out of it. It wouldn't make any difference. Presumably the level of mental illness in the family means there is medical and or social services intervention. Maybe it's best to leave it to the professionals.

I think the best approach is talking privately with the grandparents; tell them you know it isn't your place but you love the girls and want them to be happy. Write out your thoughts first to decide what's going to be most persuasive knowing both of them; the time it'll then take the girls to lose the weight is probably a good one. Hopefully you can get the grandparents on board, then discuss ideas about how to broach it with the parents and finally with the girls themselves.

Well you can try but you’ll have absolutely zero success. She’s not your child, she doesn’t live with you, you’re very naive if you think a word from you will have any impact at all. This is how she eats, this is how she will always eat.

You didn't want someone else interfering and telling your child they could eat what they liked, why do you think someone else is going to like you having a say in their child's eating habits?

If they're with you without parents and you're responsible for them then yes you can say 'no that's enough' but when parents are there it's not your place or responsibility.

It's dangerous ground commenting on a teens eating. Take it from.someone who used to make biscuits and cakes after everyone went to bed so no one could see the quantity I ate.

Think how YOU would feel is somebody, however kindly, interfered in an aspect of your parenting that they disagreed with. Would it mean you would make changes, or is it more likely that it would annoy you and damage your relationship with them?

I don't think you can do anything about it. They'll feel like you're fat shaming their daughter.

I dont think that you saying something will make any difference to this kids weight or approach to eating. It would be a waste of your energy in that respect, and potentially cause family conflict for no gain.

You are not the least unreasonable to be concerned, but very unreasonable to interject yourself into the situation. Everyone involved is going to be (rightfully) upset about it, and it could cause a permanent family rift. For better or for worse, her parents are her parents. And you said that all three, mother and daughters, have mental issues, which makes it all the more fraught with pitfalls. This one is almost certainly way beyond your pay grade, and NOT your job description!

At home her eating should be controlled but when it’s a BBQ then it’s not fair to bring it up. I know a lot of teens who’d eat like that at a BBQ but they happen to not be overweight.
I also wouldn’t say anything to her as there will be a reason she overeats and you don’t want to cause an even worse eating disorder. At her age she will be well aware that she is overweight.
If you are really concerned then you could have a chat with her parents and say they could try and encourage healthier eating and bring more active.

I wouldn’t say anything.

Saying something will just lead to bad feeling. You are right that you would think that the parents would be more concerned given they had to have surgery themselves but if they aren't it just shows that they won't respond well to your well meaning attempt to advise them or their dd.

When I read your thread title - my reaction was YABU, but having your post and seeing you are coming from a position of caring I can see YANBU.
Difficult though to say anything.
Poor girls though.

Op it seems like their issues run deep and too far gone for you do anything that would help. The parents went through surgeries instead of getting to the route of the problem. Why would anything you do make a difference? I'm sure everyone around you feels the same, but if both parents don't see a problem then nobody else will make a difference.

Teenagers are very sensitive. Theres no way the child doesn't know she eats too much. It's most likely underlying stress/anxiety/issues at home and interference from a relative is likely to pile it on worse. What she needs is to feel secure and have good self esteem and that will be down to home life.

It's very hard to lose weight when you have issues in your life. I'm grown up and a resourceful intelligent person and I can't do it.

Maintaining a healthy weight is a full-time habit to form, not just something you can 'help' with by pointing out that she's eating to much at the family BBQ (as an example!)

Basically, if she's formed certain habits already and they're being supported at home regularly, she's not going to change without wanting to and being supported daily in healthier eating.

I've never been obese but I have been overweight and it only changed when I was ready to change. It takes a lot of willpower to form better habits. If someone had been trying to police my intake it would have made me feel embarrassed and ashamed but it wouldn't have helped. I say that as an adult with full knowledge of what I was doing to my body and autonomy over what I ate. It would be even harder for a 15 year old girl to cope with negative comments from an outsider and no support from her parents even if she wanted to eat healthier.

I think it's an appalling failing that parents can have their children removed for not feeding them enough/neglect, but over feeding them to the point of severe health implications is tiptoed around. All the replies on this thread saying don't intervene and not your place, no wonder we have children that can't reach puberty without being grossly obese

Listen to what people are saying op.

@StylishMummy

I think it's an appalling failing that parents can have their children removed for not feeding them enough/neglect, but over feeding them to the point of severe health implications is tiptoed around. All the replies on this thread saying don't intervene and not your place, no wonder we have children that can't reach puberty without being grossly obese

I think we are all in agreement the situation is concerning. But it is most certainly not the OPs place to intervene. She's not even a blood relation and it could cause so much embarrassment to the girl involved.

I've been overweight ... Believe me I was fully aware of what I should or shouldn't eat and it was no one's place to comment