WIBU to try to stop someone else's child from becoming extremely overweight?

[Boomerwang]

My ex's (father of my daughter) brother has two daughters (15 and 9) with his long time partner. All three ladies/girls have varying degrees of mental disability. Both of their parents have had surigal intervention to lose weight rapidly because their health was bad due to obesity.

Both girls have always been overweight. Once a week we all meet up at the grandparents house for a bbq and this is where I notice the older girl in particular helps herself (in front of everyone) to extremely large portions, twice over. Today she had a total of 4 pieces of bread and butter, 10 slices of cheese (about the size of beer coaster each) 3 large bbq ribs (the full length ones), about half a kilo of potato gratin (in two trips) two hot dogs (no bread) and then for dessert two portions of ice cream (adult portions) and some strawberries plus a total of about 500ml of sprite.

She's only just 15 and I can see her ballooning. This is typical of the amount she eats every time I see her. No, I don't know what she's eating at home but I do see she's getting very big, very fast and I'm worried that once the weight is on she will never get it off again because she will not have the support.

All this happens in front of her grandparents. I monitor what my daughter eats there and if I think she's having too much I get told that she's allowed to eat what she wants at grandma's house. I told them there's a limit and I decide what it is because I am responsible for her. They didn't say anything more on the matter, but obviously these other two girls who are cousins of my daughter (the younger child also eats a lot but not quite as much) and I do NOT have responsibility over what they eat but I feel like I can see into their future and history will repeat itself.

I'm suprised their own parents don't reflect on the surgery they had to take in order to lose weight to spare their lives and try to protect their kids.

I don't want to start a war but I feel like nobody cares or understands what is going to happen to these young girls if nobody takes control of their intake.

So, should I butt out and let it continue, because they are not my children although they are my family or do I try to get support from another family member and approach the parents?

Or something else entirely?

Very much appreciate whatever advice you guys can provide as I'm really torn and maybe I should just mind my own business.

Do you honestly think policing the plate and reporting back here will help?

This is not about icecream.

We had this - both nephews overweight but one in particular would grab handfuls of food at the grandparents' house.

We just told ours they were never to eat like that / take more than their fair share.

You can't parent other people, SIL and BIL would have been mightily offended.

How do you think it would go down if you had a quiet word with the grandparents? Not well I am guessing given their comment.
How close are you to the children? Do you think their over eating comes from examples they are or were set at home, and habit, or are there deeper issues such as bullying and low self esteem? If the latter is there anything you could do with them (any sort of class or skill you could learn together) to boost their confidence and self esteem?

Thank you all loads for your advice and it seems the overwhelming consensus is that I should leave it alone.

It will be upsetting to watch, but I will let it lie. If the other adults in their lives can't or won't watch out for them, then that's just their life.

My own daughter is overweight and it's certainly not just because of her grandparents but because I found it hard to say no. The last couple of months however she has 'thinned out' because she's grown taller and I have rationed fattening things and made healthy changes which she actually seems to appreciate (no crisps, but flavoured rye chips, skimmed milk, sweets only on a saturday that kind of thing)

I've had a weight issue all my life although never so bad as to need surgery. It could just be that because I'm so focussed on my own weight loss I'm hyper aware of the dietary habits of others.

Just an aside - I don't think the children will merely be overweight, else I wouldn't even have made this thread. I'm concerned they will follow their parents exactly and be absolutely huge before the age of 20. I'm not bothered about the way they look, the entire family is huge and my family isn't particularly slim either, I am afraid for their health and premature ageing and early joint problems etc because I don't think children necessarily know about the effects this kind of eating will have.

I'm just afraid for them.

Yes butt out for sure.

I know its hard, especially as you appear to care for them so much, but it really is best for the sake of the relationship. Hopefully they'll see your DD getting more lean and it'll prompt a conversation at some point in the future where they approach you to talk about it, at that point you can offer them advice or support on how to eat more healthily.

@Hankunamatata

It's dangerous ground commenting on a teens eating. Take it from.someone who used to make biscuits and cakes after everyone went to bed so no one could see the quantity I ate.

@Hankunamatata so sorry to hear about your struggles with food growing up. Hoping things are at least a bit easier for you now. 💐

OP you don't sound as though you know the right way to intervene, so you should stay out of it.

You'd be better off fostering an environment where these girls can come and feel safe, feel loved and valued just as they are, confide in you if they choose to. That's the best thing you could do.

Usually the messenger gets shot, so I'd not say a word.

I can see why you're concerned, Op. You can see a situation unfolding in front of your eyes - but, I agree with other pp that there's very little you can do. 'Having a word' is likely to cause more harm than good.

My mother was on a perpetual diet all through my childhood/teen years, and she constantly policed what I ate so that I wouldn't get fat. I'm nearly 50 now, and I've got a hellishly fucked up relationship with food that I continually battle with.
I spent my 20s and 30s desperately trying to stay under 7st, and have been hospitalised twice when my weight got below 6st.

I've tried to do things differently with my own children. I'm not going to pretend that's been easy, because it's not. But I've tried to go along with a message of 'eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full', and that seems to have worked. It probably sounds obvious to most people but, when you grow up with such a fucked up idea of food and appetite, it takes a lot to work it out.

@Boomerwang

Just an aside - I don't think the children will merely be overweight, else I wouldn't even have made this thread. I'm concerned they will follow their parents exactly and be absolutely huge before the age of 20. I'm not bothered about the way they look, the entire family is huge and my family isn't particularly slim either, I am afraid for their health and premature ageing and early joint problems etc because I don't think children necessarily know about the effects this kind of eating will have.

I'm just afraid for them.

I'm not bothered about the way they look, the entire family is huge and my family isn't particularly slim either

Then I'm afraid all the words in the world are unlikely to have any effect on them, because 'Do as I say and not as I do' rarely works with children.

The adults need to model the sort of behaviour/healthy relationships with food that they'd like the kids to have.

You wouldn't all sit around chain smoking while telling the kids how bad it is for their health, would you?

The adults around them, who are responsible for what they eat, are not going to change a thing, simply because you've mentioned it. And without the girls' parents and grandparents changing their own ways, the girls will not. It's just not going to happen.

The girls, their parents and their GPs have ALL got to want to change what they eat. And that will never happen. You don't need to feel guilt at not saying your piece. Because nothing would change even if you did.

I don't think I would/could/should say anything to the teen directly.

But I can imagine trying consciously to set a healthy example - so perhaps choosing to go and get my plate of food when they do, be sure to get a sensible portion with plenty of veg and prattling away at them as I do
, e.g.

"oh I'm glad there are some nice barbecue vegetables, it can be so hard to eat healthily at a barbecue when it's a lot of meat & carbs - oh look, red peppers, do you want some?"
And
"Just the one burger for me, I think, I'll save room as I know I'd like to try a little of the dessert".
Or
"These chicken fillets look delicious! They are huge though, shall we share one?"

Just be very obvious about the sorts of decisions a healthy adult makes.

no, i think that kind of preachy false conversation would put off a lot of youngsters. it would me.
it seems so contrived, and dishonest.

Surprised to read this. I know just one person who has had bariatric surgery and they would find it impossible to over-eat.
What kind of surgery did these women have?

i went to a small party and one person there, as soon as i arrived started criticising me, in a purported friendly manner.
it was tricky, as the other people were ok, and i was trying to keep the atmosphere light and good humoured.
there were only a handful of us, so i couldn't exactly ignore her.
she fired questions at me; about activities, why didn't i do them, how could anyone not do them, what did i eat, why didn't i eat such and such, what exactly did i eat, on and on.
i thought she was smug the first time i met her years ago; my impression has not improved.
food is a very tricky subject. don't meddle in it. don't comment on others' eating patterns. even well meant, will go wrong.

If it was any other activity that was actively harming their health it would be seen as cruel to not intervene, however as its food and weight the general consensus will always be to butt out and leave her to it, which is really sad. Overeating to that extent is usually only partly learnt behaviour, and usually has other underlying factors that seem to be swept under the rug for fear of offending someone.

@StylishMummy

I think it's an appalling failing that parents can have their children removed for not feeding them enough/neglect, but over feeding them to the point of severe health implications is tiptoed around. All the replies on this thread saying don't intervene and not your place, no wonder we have children that can't reach puberty without being grossly obese

Agreed. A child that lives near my MIL is only a few months older than my dd but in clothes at least 3 years older than her age because she is so overweight. Honestly it's child abuse. I'm not tiny but I'm healthy, I eat well and I exercise, more importantly I'm teaching DD a healthy relationship with food. Its so sad.

Sorry to hear about this OP. We have been in a very similar situation with a morbidly obese nephew. Personally I just hope he grows up and loses it as an adult. I have known one person IRL who did this in their 20s and it gives me hope. In the meantime, say nothing and just be a friend to this child, the poor love.

Agreed. A child that lives near my MIL is only a few months older than my dd but in clothes at least 3 years older than her age because she is so overweight. Honestly it's child abuse. I'm not tiny but I'm healthy, I eat well and I exercise, more importantly I'm teaching DD a healthy relationship with food. Its so sad.

It's heartbreaking isn't it. If the child was really slim, as in very underweight it would be looked into, but being overweight is ignored. I was overweight throughout school and into young adulthood. In fairness to my parents they had a lot on their plate with my brother, and providing nutritious meals or modelling good behaviours around food just wasn't a priority. I also binge ate through processing the trauma of it all, and as they felt guilty for not spending as much time on me I had access to money to buy whatever I wanted from the shop after school. Not only was my body in shit state, I suffered years of bullying, missed out on so much because I was obese, and no one helped. No one enquired if I was okay, no one offered my parents any support, no one dared. I wish they had, yes I was their responsibility and then my own when I was a bit older, but if someone is that size as a child there's something going on.

Firstly she should be having 'adult' portions - she is 15 and growing. I personally think it's weird that you were counting everything she ate. Were you worried there wasn't going to be enough left for you?

Also it sounds like she has inherited a hereditary condition which predicates larger size/weight. Not her fault and she shouldn't be shamed for it.

Skinnier doesn't mean more virtuous.

@Biffbaff

Firstly she should be having 'adult' portions - she is 15 and growing. I personally think it's weird that you were counting everything she ate. Were you worried there wasn't going to be enough left for you?

Also it sounds like she has inherited a hereditary condition which predicates larger size/weight. Not her fault and she shouldn't be shamed for it.

Skinnier doesn't mean more virtuous.

Those portions are large for an adult though, and there are very few physical inherited conditions that cause weight gain, and if there is a reason for eating so much it should be investigated. Those sorts of attitudes are partly why there's such a problem in this country, people seem to equate people being worried about someone's weight as vanity, when it's about health.

No, it's not about health. Look into the Obesity Paradox. Obese people have more chance of surviving a heart attack than underweight. Also obesity is largely down to genes. Do some reading.