WIBU to try to stop someone else's child from becoming extremely overweight?

[Boomerwang]

My ex's (father of my daughter) brother has two daughters (15 and 9) with his long time partner. All three ladies/girls have varying degrees of mental disability. Both of their parents have had surigal intervention to lose weight rapidly because their health was bad due to obesity.

Both girls have always been overweight. Once a week we all meet up at the grandparents house for a bbq and this is where I notice the older girl in particular helps herself (in front of everyone) to extremely large portions, twice over. Today she had a total of 4 pieces of bread and butter, 10 slices of cheese (about the size of beer coaster each) 3 large bbq ribs (the full length ones), about half a kilo of potato gratin (in two trips) two hot dogs (no bread) and then for dessert two portions of ice cream (adult portions) and some strawberries plus a total of about 500ml of sprite.

She's only just 15 and I can see her ballooning. This is typical of the amount she eats every time I see her. No, I don't know what she's eating at home but I do see she's getting very big, very fast and I'm worried that once the weight is on she will never get it off again because she will not have the support.

All this happens in front of her grandparents. I monitor what my daughter eats there and if I think she's having too much I get told that she's allowed to eat what she wants at grandma's house. I told them there's a limit and I decide what it is because I am responsible for her. They didn't say anything more on the matter, but obviously these other two girls who are cousins of my daughter (the younger child also eats a lot but not quite as much) and I do NOT have responsibility over what they eat but I feel like I can see into their future and history will repeat itself.

I'm suprised their own parents don't reflect on the surgery they had to take in order to lose weight to spare their lives and try to protect their kids.

I don't want to start a war but I feel like nobody cares or understands what is going to happen to these young girls if nobody takes control of their intake.

So, should I butt out and let it continue, because they are not my children although they are my family or do I try to get support from another family member and approach the parents?

Or something else entirely?

Very much appreciate whatever advice you guys can provide as I'm really torn and maybe I should just mind my own business.

Sorry, I mean 'normal' weight people with the heart attack info.

It’s so hard to watch isn’t it, but I’m afraid you can’t say anything. The only impact it will have is a big family fall out, it won’t help her.

I monitor what my daughter eats there and if I think she's having too much

This could lead to as many issues. Do you normally police her intake? Because she will pick up on it and it will cause food issues.

My teens eat what they want. Especially at bbq’s or other events. They have an overall healthy lifestyle though, which is what your bil’s kids won’t have.

What are you going to do? Call them fat and stop them eating as much? They will need fitness and exercise too? How will you implement that?

Butt out, and manage your own issues policing your dd’s appetite.

@Biffbaff

No, it's not about health. Look into the Obesity Paradox. Obese people have more chance of surviving a heart attack than underweight. Also obesity is largely down to genes. Do some reading.

I've lived it. I've suffered ill health as a direct result of over eating, now I'm at a healthy weight I feel fantastic, even walking about is easier, let alone everything else. For every bit of being obese is fine research that comes out, there are thousands that prove the opposite. I'm not sure why people try and suggest otherwise. Yes everyone should be treated with the same respect whatever they look like, but to pretend or try and convince yourself that it's not detrimental both to someone's physical health and their life overall is dangerous.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I don't think I would/could/should say anything to the teen directly.

But I can imagine trying consciously to set a healthy example - so perhaps choosing to go and get my plate of food when they do, be sure to get a sensible portion with plenty of veg and prattling away at them as I do
, e.g.

"oh I'm glad there are some nice barbecue vegetables, it can be so hard to eat healthily at a barbecue when it's a lot of meat & carbs - oh look, red peppers, do you want some?"
And
"Just the one burger for me, I think, I'll save room as I know I'd like to try a little of the dessert".
Or
"These chicken fillets look delicious! They are huge though, shall we share one?"

Just be very obvious about the sorts of decisions a healthy adult makes.

this is awful, please don't

Op, I do see whereyou are coming from, and it is awful that none of the adults careenough about her.

But i was really struck by your comments about your own dds eating.

You sound overly controlling of her, and some of your comments sound as if you are projecting your own weight issues on to her.

the best way to deal with kids/teens and weight is to provide healthy options. Talk about healthy eating, not dieting or weight or weight loss.

I would not get involved directly, but if a bbq is a weekly event, could you offer to do the food one week, so it is not just bread and processed meat.? Or offer to do desert … so no ice cream, but slices of watermelon or fruit kebabs?

this is awful, please don't

I don’t think it is actually. It’s modelling a different relationship with food and although the example was a little heavy handed, I suspect that’s the best the OP can do here.

This is very difficult OP. I get from your post that you’re motivated by affection for this family, but it’s still so hard to say anything that will be constructive. Ultimately be kind, don't preach, set a good example yourself and i honestly think that’s all you can do.

It's such a sad situation, but the facts remain: not your own children and however tactfully you put it, you would basically be saying, 'you're too fat, do something about it.'
Anyone would object to this, let alone teenagers. Leave it alone, you can't achieve anything positive by intervening.

I think it's an appalling failing that parents can have their children removed for not feeding them enough/neglect, but over feeding them to the point of severe health implications is tiptoed around. All the replies on this thread saying don't intervene and not your place, no wonder we have children that can't reach puberty without being grossly obese
The point is, intervening wouldn't achieve the desired result, it would only fuel family tensions. And I don't think the state should be able to remove teenagers from their home because of their weight.

And I don't think the state should be able to remove teenagers from their home because of their weight.

Absolutely agree. Do people realise what the outcomes are for children removed from their birth parents? Not good at all.

Interesting how you watched what the girl was eating so closely. Your own dd must have felt very ignored by you apart from when you stopped her from eating more. Please do tell us about your own eating issues, rather than everyone else’s.

@Biffbaff

Firstly she should be having 'adult' portions - she is 15 and growing. I personally think it's weird that you were counting everything she ate. Were you worried there wasn't going to be enough left for you?

Also it sounds like she has inherited a hereditary condition which predicates larger size/weight. Not her fault and she shouldn't be shamed for it.

Skinnier doesn't mean more virtuous.

10 slices of cheese and 4 slices of bread is far more than an adult portion.

Also its easy to say "its hereditary" when you see an overweight parent and child but it often isn't true. The child is overweight because they learn from their parents how to cook and what to eat, if the parents eat badly the kids will too.
I always thought I was destined to be overweight because my mum was. We were both overweight, the same size and shape - I assumed it was hereditary and just the way we were built. But then my mum lost 6 stone and became a marathon runner, and I lost 4.5 stone. It wasn't hereditary, it was just our behaviour.

But then my mum lost 6 stone and became a marathon runner

Bloody hell! That’s impressive.

My niece is only just 6 and wearing age 13-14 clothes.... we've long since given up, it's a horrific situation, but she's not our child so we can't do anything about it unfortunately.

My niece is only just 6 and wearing age 13-14 clothes.... we've long since given up, it's a horrific situation, but she's not our child so we can't do anything about it unfortunatel

Gosh thats tragic 😥

The first thing that jumped out is that you counted/monitored what she ate and remembered it which imo is weird!

Although I can see you care. Maybe have a word with the grand parents or ex or whoever is likely to be reasonable but from a supportive angle. Don't mention you've been monitoring her food intake at gatherings.

In the OP, you mention the 3 of them have ‘mental disability’
What do you mean? Learning disabled? Or mentally ill?
Both of these things can impact on people’s relationship with food.
Given we don’t know what the specific situation is, it’s difficult to say what would be a reasonable course of action.

Do you have an eating disorder yourself OP?
I find your recall of the number of slices of cheese etc consumed to be very bizarre!
Most people would be chatting and socializing but it sounds like you were just sitting there monitoring food intake .
I never notice what people eat as it’s none of my business and in my opinion , everyone has eyes and a mirror so they don’t need you to point out the obvious to them

One thing that is being generally overlooked here is that this child, her sister, AND her mother all have mental health issues. I'd be willing to bet that her eating habits are a coping mechanism, and secondary to that. Being confronted, even very mildly and with love, would possibly (and likely) cause more anxiety, and more eating. The mental health issues must be addressed first, and getting THAT done, when not your children, is a very tricky thing, indeed.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I don't think I would/could/should say anything to the teen directly.

But I can imagine trying consciously to set a healthy example - so perhaps choosing to go and get my plate of food when they do, be sure to get a sensible portion with plenty of veg and prattling away at them as I do
, e.g.

"oh I'm glad there are some nice barbecue vegetables, it can be so hard to eat healthily at a barbecue when it's a lot of meat & carbs - oh look, red peppers, do you want some?"
And
"Just the one burger for me, I think, I'll save room as I know I'd like to try a little of the dessert".
Or
"These chicken fillets look delicious! They are huge though, shall we share one?"

Just be very obvious about the sorts of decisions a healthy adult makes.

Those kind of passive aggressive comments will do far more damage than being direct in a sensitive way. I know because I am overweight and those type of comments cut deeply into you but if someone expresses genuine concern it is ok.

OP, how do the parents eat? I'm assuming if they have had WLS their eating will be restricted?

I'm assuming they all have some kind of learning disability from what you said. How severe is it?

I agree with everyone else, you are doing the right thing by staying out of it. I can see you mean well but as you know from your own experience, it's not so easy to lose weight. If your words could magically help, you would have used them on your own family, your DD and yourself and you would all be slim. And you don't even have a mental illness or learning disability (I assume).

@noworklifebalance

But then my mum lost 6 stone and became a marathon runner

Bloody hell! That’s impressive.

I know, she's amazing!

Yep butt out. No good will come from you commenting.

This sounds like the girl binge eats. Unless the disability is something like Prader-Willi Syndrome, it is emotionally driven and well-meant comments about food choices won’t help, they will only pile on the stress and exacerbate the behaviour. There is little you can do except be a friend and support if she approaches you.