WIBU to try to stop someone else's child from becoming extremely overweight?

[Boomerwang]

My ex's (father of my daughter) brother has two daughters (15 and 9) with his long time partner. All three ladies/girls have varying degrees of mental disability. Both of their parents have had surigal intervention to lose weight rapidly because their health was bad due to obesity.

Both girls have always been overweight. Once a week we all meet up at the grandparents house for a bbq and this is where I notice the older girl in particular helps herself (in front of everyone) to extremely large portions, twice over. Today she had a total of 4 pieces of bread and butter, 10 slices of cheese (about the size of beer coaster each) 3 large bbq ribs (the full length ones), about half a kilo of potato gratin (in two trips) two hot dogs (no bread) and then for dessert two portions of ice cream (adult portions) and some strawberries plus a total of about 500ml of sprite.

She's only just 15 and I can see her ballooning. This is typical of the amount she eats every time I see her. No, I don't know what she's eating at home but I do see she's getting very big, very fast and I'm worried that once the weight is on she will never get it off again because she will not have the support.

All this happens in front of her grandparents. I monitor what my daughter eats there and if I think she's having too much I get told that she's allowed to eat what she wants at grandma's house. I told them there's a limit and I decide what it is because I am responsible for her. They didn't say anything more on the matter, but obviously these other two girls who are cousins of my daughter (the younger child also eats a lot but not quite as much) and I do NOT have responsibility over what they eat but I feel like I can see into their future and history will repeat itself.

I'm suprised their own parents don't reflect on the surgery they had to take in order to lose weight to spare their lives and try to protect their kids.

I don't want to start a war but I feel like nobody cares or understands what is going to happen to these young girls if nobody takes control of their intake.

So, should I butt out and let it continue, because they are not my children although they are my family or do I try to get support from another family member and approach the parents?

Or something else entirely?

Very much appreciate whatever advice you guys can provide as I'm really torn and maybe I should just mind my own business.

@ChaToilLeam

This sounds like the girl binge eats. Unless the disability is something like Prader-Willi Syndrome, it is emotionally driven and well-meant comments about food choices won’t help, they will only pile on the stress and exacerbate the behaviour. There is little you can do except be a friend and support if she approaches you.

Isn't it sad though that society says its not kind to intervene just as it involves food and weight. If someone was dealing with trauma/their emotions by self harming in other ways, people would be encouraged to intervene and it would be seen as negligent not to.

@Treehaus I doubt the girl is unaware that she is overweight. And she could probably indeed use help and support, but the wrong kind of well-intentioned intervention just creates shame, secret eating and yo-yo dieting.

If someone was dealing with trauma/their emotions by self harming in other ways, people would be encouraged to intervene and it would be seen as negligent not to.

Actually quite the opposite. The advice around someone self-harming is that friends/family should only broach the subject if it can be done in a caring, sensitive way and is unlikely to make the situation worse, help should not be forced on the person, and their sense of control should not be compromised. It basically boils boils to "be there if you're asked but stay as hands off as possible because blundering in with well-meaning but unwanted help is only going to turn the situation into an utter clusterfuck".

Much like trying to intervene in the weight problems of a child who is not your own and who has not asked for your help.

[quote ChaToilLeam]@Treehaus I doubt the girl is unaware that she is overweight. And she could probably indeed use help and support, but the wrong kind of well-intentioned intervention just creates shame, secret eating and yo-yo dieting.[/quote]
She's likely doing those things anyway.

@BlatantlyNameChanged

If someone was dealing with trauma/their emotions by self harming in other ways, people would be encouraged to intervene and it would be seen as negligent not to.

Actually quite the opposite. The advice around someone self-harming is that friends/family should only broach the subject if it can be done in a caring, sensitive way and is unlikely to make the situation worse, help should not be forced on the person, and their sense of control should not be compromised. It basically boils boils to "be there if you're asked but stay as hands off as possible because blundering in with well-meaning but unwanted help is only going to turn the situation into an utter clusterfuck".

Much like trying to intervene in the weight problems of a child who is not your own and who has not asked for your help.

I guarantee if this thread was about any other form of it people would not be saying to do nothing. The advice is to offer support, but as you say in a particular way. Not think ah fuck it.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I don't think I would/could/should say anything to the teen directly.

But I can imagine trying consciously to set a healthy example - so perhaps choosing to go and get my plate of food when they do, be sure to get a sensible portion with plenty of veg and prattling away at them as I do
, e.g.

"oh I'm glad there are some nice barbecue vegetables, it can be so hard to eat healthily at a barbecue when it's a lot of meat & carbs - oh look, red peppers, do you want some?"
And
"Just the one burger for me, I think, I'll save room as I know I'd like to try a little of the dessert".
Or
"These chicken fillets look delicious! They are huge though, shall we share one?"

Just be very obvious about the sorts of decisions a healthy adult makes.

Don't do this, it's awful and sounds really judgy and smug.

wow this got long!

Clarifying, not mental health issues but mental disability. I don't know how to describe them without coming off as snobby or judgy or disablist or something. Is a lower than average IQ ok to say?? The reason I mention it is because they decide little for themselves and wouldn't consider or possibly even know about health implications of being obese at a young age.

Also, I spotted a comment about how they could possibly still be fat after bariatric surgery. To clear up, the father and mother both had surgery although I do not know what kind, just that they had to crash diet a month before it and then could only sip liquids for a bit after and then move on to tiny bites of food. It's been a couple of years now and they are slowly creeping up in weight again.

As for my own daughter, I am not that strict?! She can eat whatever she likes, just in smaller portions and at a moderate pace like a small pot of crisps once every other day and rye chips in between (they are yummy - finn crisp rye chip triangles) and a choice of a small chocolate bar or a few sweets but not both etc.

I am responsible for making sure my daughter doesn't develop a weight problem and as someone who has had guilt issues with food all her life due to her own mother making those passive aggressive comments whenever something tasty comes into view, I don't discuss the ins and outs with her and I don't use food as a reward or deterrent.

I have taken the overwhelmingly popular advice of saying nothing to anyone as it isn't my place. I thank you all for stopping me doing something stupid as you were all right, it's not like anything positive would have come from it!

As for my own daughter, I am not that strict?! She can eat whatever she likes, just in smaller portions and at a moderate pace like a small pot of crisps once every other day and rye chips in between (they are yummy - finn crisp rye chip triangles) and a choice of a small chocolate bar or a few sweets but not both etc

I get really annoyed when people say parents are being controlling by watching what their children eat so they remain a healthy weight. Teaching a child how to make good food choices, including reasonable portion control is exactly what good parents should be doing.