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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you make/made major life decisions?

100 replies

HappyGoLuckyGo · 25/06/2021 15:29

I’m wondering how others make big life decisions. Am currently weighing up a choice and I think my life will look very different in 5-10 years and beyond, depending on which I choose. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. The better/worse element would depend on a whole host of variables, most of which I can’t control - so it’s a gamble, in a way.

I’m talking “move country”, “retrain at 40”, type of decisions. What swayed you? Was it the right factor to consider, in hindsight?

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 25/06/2021 15:30

Honestly? Gut feeling over a long period of time so I know its not just a whim. Its been right everytime. Ive bought houses and changed career based on this and not regretted it.

georgarina · 25/06/2021 15:31

I tend to just go for things I guess. I just have a feeling for what I want to do. And if I really want to do something, I work out the details afterwards.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 25/06/2021 15:31

Good thread though. Interesting to see what others say!

Itllbeaninterestingchristmas · 25/06/2021 15:33

with great difficulty. I ask various trusted relatives and friends for their opinion. Do a pros and cons list. Worry a lot.
Have made a mistake in the past with a house but just got out of that so now worrying what to do next

ToffeePennie · 25/06/2021 15:35

I always say “you regret what you don’t do”
And I never have!

blackcat86 · 25/06/2021 15:37

Yes to gut feeling but also to working towards a life that you feel you want for yourself. I had the opportunity to retrain in something totally different and went for it. It just felt right, I was unhappy my life as it was and realised that I wanted to be achieving a better income for my family and young children, a better quality of life, a better balance for the school years and something I was passionate about. It all fitted together and I went for it. I haven't regretted it

Bluesheep8 · 25/06/2021 15:40

Definitely do a pros and cons list.
Be careful whose opinion you ask, if you canvass opinion too widely you will get too many possibly conflicting perspectives.
Consider how you'll feel if you don't do it and picture how life will be if you do.

gillysSong · 25/06/2021 15:42

We just go for it, unless it's the wrong time, e.g moving miles away when child in Y12.
Never made a plan the whole of our adult life.
Two drifters Grin Planning quite often doesn't work and you miss doing what it was you wanted.
Live for the moment is my motto.

StarryStarrySocks · 25/06/2021 15:47

Watching with interest to see how others deal with this. Until now I have tended to go with the approach that you regret the things you don't do more than the things you do.

memberofthewedding · 25/06/2021 15:52

I made the "retrain at 40something" decision because the profession I was qualified in was changing and my old style qualifications had become devalued. I could hang on, but probably never be promoted and see myself overtaken by less able people who had a bit of paper (degree) I didnt have.

I talked over my decision with colleagues and friends. I also had a conversation with my grandmother along these lines a few months before she died. She was a very pragmatic woman and a great believer in "just get on with it" and "deferment of gratification". She advised me to think seriously about stepping off the career ladder for 3 years to do a degree.

In the end I made my own decision and returned to education in my mid 40s. I breezed through the university system to end up with a 1st class degree, a masters with distinction, a doctorate and a new profession as an academic. It gave me the opportunity to find out what I was intellectually capable of. My only regret was that my gran did not live long enough to see what I achieved.

PattyPan · 25/06/2021 16:05

I have a very strong moral compass/set of values so I ask myself what would help me best live my life in line with that. I am also a big fan of a pro con list.

Wallywobbles · 25/06/2021 16:34

Not enough thought and a lot of action. It's rare I don't go for it. But sometimes I go with it even when my gut says stop. I'm not always sensible.

579qkghs · 25/06/2021 16:55

When its just a decision for myself - I tend to go with my gut. Usually, it has worked out but not lately and now I bitterly regret it. As a couple, we're terrible at it....make lots of lists, get upset with each other, get muddled up.....horrible, horrible, horrible process

BIoodyStupidJohnson · 25/06/2021 17:01

I tend to go with instinct, and usually for the ‘big deep breath’ brave option… but that’s because I was brought up by a fearful mother and I’ve very consciously decided I don’t want to turn into her.

Spandrel · 25/06/2021 17:06

It's a good question. I suppose I fundamentally like change, so I'm OK with making big decisions. We've moved around the world quite a lot, so the last big decision I made (along with DH, obv.) to leave the country where we'd been living for 20 years was only significant because now we have a child, who only remembered the little village we'd been living in, and who needs some kind of stability. I also quit the career I've worked in for my entire adult life, and which needed four degrees.

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 25/06/2021 17:11

@BIoodyStupidJohnson

I tend to go with instinct, and usually for the ‘big deep breath’ brave option… but that’s because I was brought up by a fearful mother and I’ve very consciously decided I don’t want to turn into her.
That's interesting - my mother was/is the same. Hates change, fearful of new things, will spend 5 years deciding on new curtains etc. etc.

I'm the opposite, tend to jump and then decide where I'm going to land later on Grin. Sometimes I have worked out really well, and sometimes not, but it has been an adventure.

Plus very few things in life are completely unchangeable, so if you don't like your choice you can always adjust later on, even if it takes effort.

I subscribe to the idea that there really are no mistakes, even bad choices or decisions can help you learn what NOT to do next. It's all part of the journey etc. But obviously that doesn't work for everyone.

FourTurnings · 25/06/2021 17:12

Big decisions - I’ve never had a problem with. Little things, yes, but when it comes to life changing stuff I’ve always been very sure of myself. Leaving husbands, changing jobs, buying houses, taking on a course of study, having children - I’ve been single minded about and it’s kind of worked out.

BillStickersIsInnocent · 25/06/2021 17:13

Most of my big decisions have been gut feeling - I had a really strong desire to pursue a particular avenue.

But my most recent big decision (retraining in my forties) was different. I was lost in my old career and nothing was pulling me, no desire for anything except definitely not what I was currently doing.

I did lots of research, talked to lots of people, made lists, diagrams, spreadsheets etc. And lots of dreaming about the sort of life I wanted for me and my family. I’m happy with my decision now but to be honest it feels a bit unreal and untrustworthy, probably because the pull factor was missing.

Spandrel · 25/06/2021 17:16

@BIoodyStupidJohnson

I tend to go with instinct, and usually for the ‘big deep breath’ brave option… but that’s because I was brought up by a fearful mother and I’ve very consciously decided I don’t want to turn into her.
Oh, yes, exactly. My mother is terrified of everything, and I definitely decided in my teens that this wasn't the kind of life I wanted for myself, or to model for my child.
unwuthering · 25/06/2021 17:25

I toss a coin. Literally. If I feel disappointed at the side that comes up, I know I really want to follow the other option or vv.

Midnightballerina · 25/06/2021 17:30

I go with my gut & don't over think it. Usually my initial feeling is what I go with. I've never regretted any of the things I've done, even if they may not always turn out to be the best decision.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGo · 25/06/2021 17:33

Some interesting views, thanks. I don’t want to say what the options are because it’s not about the specific pros and cons- it’s about how to make a call between two separate paths. Like that poem I studied for GCSE English, many moons ago...

One is irreversible, one is not- technically speaking, but I would go down it on the assumption that it is and act accordingly. As in, I don’t want to just postpone the decision. Both have pull factors- neither identifiably stronger than the other.

OP posts:
GlutenFreeGingerCake · 25/06/2021 17:33

When younger I went with my gut and just went for it and quite a few things didn't work out at all, so I have ended up very hesitant and indecisive.

CabernetSoWhat · 25/06/2021 17:34

I'm a massive planner. I have goals and timescales and take steps to achieve them. Sometimes, it's a definite step in the right direction. Sometimes, it's a leap of faith, but in all things, I'm moving towards my goals.

FindingMeno · 25/06/2021 17:35

I think about what is the worst that can happen in each scenario.
Then I usually just follow the line of least resistance anyway.