To ask how you make/made major life decisions?

[HappyGoLuckyGo]

I’m wondering how others make big life decisions. Am currently weighing up a choice and I think my life will look very different in 5-10 years and beyond, depending on which I choose. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. The better/worse element would depend on a whole host of variables, most of which I can’t control - so it’s a gamble, in a way.

I’m talking “move country”, “retrain at 40”, type of decisions. What swayed you? Was it the right factor to consider, in hindsight?

I went to college when I was 31, as a single parent with DC aged 8/6/1. The baby didn’t sleep at all, I’d left an abusive marriage (only father to youngest, thank fuck, and hasn’t shown his face since, 5 years down the line), I was on benefits and in a bad way mentally. I figured my life couldn’t get any worse by me going to college, that I would give it one term and if my grades were shit and/or I wasn’t coping, I’d quit.

Turned out, I loved it, my MH improved significantly, my grades were mostly Distinctions. I’ve now finished my degree at a top Uni and I’m about to do a Masters in Public Health and Epidemiology.

It was basically a “fuck it, why not” decision.

@HappyGoLuckyGo

I’ve spent about 18 months thinking about pros and cons, and to be honest I don’t think there’s any more research I could do. It’s just a question of choosing and making my peace with it, and then heading down whichever path it is.

I think that’s your answer then.

I’m in the ‘what-if’ stages of planning a huge life change. I’m currently starting to get my plans A, B, and C firmed up. I’m not necessarily on a time table, but my DH retires from his main job in about 5 years, so I get to reevaluate my career. We’re backing in to a big move and me walking away from my career.

It’s scary, but we also are forming contingency scenarios and talking about what is realistic…. Haha, we’ve ruled out moving to an island with 20-50 people on it after this whole pandemic fiasco. But we are looking at a radical shift.

It’s a long way of saying… you actually are choosing right now by not making a decision. So if you are ok with deciding not to make a choice that should tell you something… if that makes you panic a little it’s telling you to pick a path and go.

I write down my choices on a piece of paper. Then I make 2 columns, one pros, one cons and take it from there. It makes me look at my options and think about them before making any decisions.

I normally just get an idea then go for it, I wish I could say I spent hours planning and researching things but I normally just jump and see what happens. Hasn't done me badly either, I have been very lucky with my lot.

We are super cautious so any big decision takes months to decide with lots of discussion and pros and cons, we usually end up deciding against change until it becomes untenable. Even job changes are rare for us we tend to stay somewhere for 7yrs+.
We've just decided to sell our house after 15yrs, been researching and discussing move Vs extend since Feb.

My friend is less cautious and will happily jump into things, she's had some set backs but generally lands on her feet.

Instinct usually, and helps that me and DH both love a challenge and always have a project on the go and do stuff together.

OP if you have spent 18 months looking at pros and cons and not come to a decision, maybe look at it a different way?
Look at it as a win/win situation first. Look at the benefits of each decision and then see which ones are most easily transferable to the other decision iyswim.

I have made major decisions in the past (both moving continents and retaining) by thinking and talking with DH and doing a lot of research on the options. And generally ended up going for the big change, whatever it was. It has usually worked out well.

But recently I couldn’t make a decision to go for something, and I think it was because I have been feeling far more settled and happy with the status quo. But then I had a series of dreams about being scared of taking action and I woke up with some Flaming Lips lyrics in my head ‘there are things you can’t avoid, you have to face them, when you’re not prepared to face them’. So I figured my subconscious was telling me something 😄.

What a good thread. It makes me both anxious and envious to read about going with your gut instinct.

We are supercautious and massive procrastinators. We’ll mull over things and do nothing in the end. We thought about moving abroad 10 years ago and didn’t in the end, out of inaction and inability to decide. We have a comfortable life and I get bored but not enough to bother with the hard work of thinking and taking action.

OP would a coach or mentor help you decide? Is it that kind of change?

I'm a planner, DH is too. The goals aren't too specific, which gives us enough flex about how and when, but the general direction of travel is clear. Some things have fallen into place relatively easily, other things have taken quite a bit of work/sacrifice/heartache, but it's been worth it.

So I guess in conclusion, how we consider these decisions is by how they fit in with the big goals - do they get us where we want to be?

When the decision personally affected me the most, I went with my heart rather than my head. When a big decision affected my DD, I went with my head over my heart. I actually don’t know which was right still as how can you ever really know?! I always ask everyone and their dog for their view, which does help. Making a big decision is really really hard though, I sympathise. And it is hard not to keep wondering what if afterwards too!

My husband takes SO long and I'm the complete opposite. Literally decide in seconds and immediately start work on said change. I decided to open a cafe when laid in bed one night and viewed premises the next morning. It's sometimes great but sometimes that's really not the right way to go about things. Like I've definitely ended up losing money for making rushed decisions on the spot. Have also quit jobs in heat of the moment if my manager has been a dick etc. However it's also brilliant sometimes because boring things like choosing a couch for example takes minutes 🤣

Mostly, I just jump in with both feet. But that was pre-dc.

We had the opportunity to move to another country, a place we absolutely love: house, village, area, culture, history, we had ready-made friends in the village etc. But, we didn't speak the language - either DH or I. DS would have picked it up quick as he was young, but anything day to day like school reports, doctor's visits, talking to banks etc would have been really difficult before we'd immersed ourselves in the language.

So we didn't go. Of course in hindsight it was the best decision what with Covid and Brexit. Next month we'll be going there for a holiday instead, so we still have a great connection with the place.

Before DC, we'd moved to two different countries and lived in Barcelona before it went to shit!

I'm very much a 'fuck it let's go' type of person

If my best friend says don't do it, that's when I do.

I do mull, but I find I get tied in knots so you just have to hold your nose and jump.

I do find that a sizeable financial reward sweetens the pill though.

I walked out of a good job I was hating, tough, tough decision and although the consequences weren't as expected I still have no regrets about it.
Nothing is actually 'irreversible' if you need it to be.

There are no wrong decisions if you make the most of the decision you've made ( well, that's the theory anyway...) DP is a 'make a decision, move on' type and it's really worked well for them. No wondering, what if? I feel they have made a couple of decisions that weren't the 'right' choice, but if they're not bothered then does it really matter what i think?

Oooh, I have a good one for this. I pretended my DD7 is all grown up and telling me her problems/ dilemmas (which are mine) and try to follow what advice I would give her when she's older.

It's not always easy to follow as I want her to take opportunities and if they don't work out never mind you learn and grow from them.

I however am very risk/ change adverse and a bit of a routine lover so I stay in my comfort zone. Which is fine too if you're happy.

So I guess, weigh it up, take risks, as long as they're not too far out of your comfort zone

Another thing to think about OP is would you hold on to a lot of regret if the choice you made didn't work out the way you had hoped/ planned?

I don't linger over things that happened before even if they turned out sh!t or were objectively the 'wrong' choice, I'm able to let go, look forward and move on to the next thing. That keeps me motivated.

But I know people who torture themselves over decisions/ choices made years ago, and seem stuck in their own regret. So maybe it comes down to personality type.

At the start of every year, I write a to do list
Short & long term things to do
Sometimes life has turned things upside down, but I've made it through the good & bad times

Sometimes I have had a short window to make a decision.

I am a person of action, not an over thinker

Life is an adventure, sometimes thinks happen unexpectedly

@Etulosba

I moved country and I can't move back now

Is your name Shamima Begum?

This comment wins Mumsnet today.

I'm at a similar point - it came down to risk for me. One option, while it could in theory be equally good (or indeed, a million miles better, depending on how it played out), had a significantly bigger range of variables. I decided it wasn't worth the risk to me to try and find out if it could be that much better or even just good, when there were so so many variables that could mean it was awful.

I talk it through with my dad - however I recognise that is not an option for everyone. In which case I weigh up my gut instinct with the risk of major unhappiness/ disaster of the choices

@Konga

I have made major decisions in the past (both moving continents and retaining) by thinking and talking with DH and doing a lot of research on the options. And generally ended up going for the big change, whatever it was. It has usually worked out well.

But recently I couldn’t make a decision to go for something, and I think it was because I have been feeling far more settled and happy with the status quo. But then I had a series of dreams about being scared of taking action and I woke up with some Flaming Lips lyrics in my head ‘there are things you can’t avoid, you have to face them, when you’re not prepared to face them’. So I figured my subconscious was telling me something 😄.

Always trust The Flaming Lips' advice.

I make a spreadsheet and do a cash flow before bringing emotion into it!