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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am 52 and my in-laws boss me around. AIBU?

89 replies

FiftyTwoAndToldWhatToDo · 25/06/2021 11:51

My MIL has always been a massive bossyboots. As her DD has aged, she has taken over the mantel. FYI SIL is a couple of years younger than me.

I have never got on with either of them well. I am actually quite assertive in real life, but I find them really hard to deal with and have felt bossed about for many years by MIL.

So MIL's thing is that she likes us all to go on holidays together, days out, weekends away, lunches, etc. I have done it in the past, but they have been pure hell. MIL and SIL are the centre of attention and no one speaks to me. I once went on holiday with them and they went out together shopping all the time and doing nice things together whilst I wasn't invited and went out with my DH and FIL to do blokey stuff. Nice!

Since I am the only one with DC, and I have 3 of them, we are expected to go on things as one big happy family and I HATE it. I have come up with lots of excuses and put things in the diary but I can't avoid everything.

So, it is coming up to our summer holidays with the DC. I have been asked to go away for the weekend, all one big happy family with PIL's, SIL and her DH and my lot. Then there is a day trip out planned and a BBQ. I know that doesn't sound a lot but I feel like I can't do anything myself without having to include them, as they get in a huff if we do something and they are not invited. DH doesn't really want to go either but keeps the peace.

I feel as if I am 52 and I am a grown woman and I am still being told what to do by a parent. I just DON'T want to go. I don't have a problem with lunches, dinners together as a family but I just don't get why I have to go on days out, weekends away and holidays with them? FYI I stopped the holidays a few years ago and I refuse to do it again.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ScribblyBaller · 25/06/2021 11:56

If you don't change nothing will change.

You need to put your foot down, firmly and without any fuss. You will feel liberated.

And your husband needs to grow a spine too. Enforced family time with a family that dislike you is a waste of your precious time.

Justcallmebebes · 25/06/2021 11:56

You need to put your big girl pants on and just tell them you're not going. I am preaching what I should practice because I am in a similar situation and have had to give my head a serious wobble because I was being made to feel guilty about not participating in things. I have just about convinced myself that my guilt was irrational and ridiculous but it does feel good to assert myself and not be dictated to by people I wouldn't chose to spend time with anyway. I am a similar age to you too.

Seriously, if you say no what's the worst that can happen? If your DH will back you, just say no, sorry that's not possible

Brainwave89 · 25/06/2021 11:58

Hi Op. I think you need to think around where your boundaries are, discuss and agree them with DH and then stick to them. I do understand that in a family there has to be some give and take, so I would do days out, maybe even an overnight stop with my inlaws, but going on holiday for a couple of weeks would leave me quite uncomfortable. They do not compromise, and sulk if they do not get to do everything they want, so this is no rest for me, and if it is not for you, then I would not do it. Just say no.

Topseyt · 25/06/2021 12:00

Put your foot down and refuse to go. Stop caring what they think. They so obviously don't care about you. Free yourself and your family now.

TidyOmlette · 25/06/2021 12:00

Tell them no. You have plans. It might cause some issues in the meantime but do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

Leomum48 · 25/06/2021 12:02

You're absolutely doing the right thing in putting your foot down with these unpleasant people. By forcing yourself to go through situations where you're being ignored, left out or put down by others, even when they're family members, you're just making a victim of yourself. Of course you want to show allegiance to your DH and you don't want to be accused of causing trouble in the family. But for the sake of your self respect you should keep these meet-ups to a minimum - and it sounds like you're doing just that.

Bythebeach · 25/06/2021 12:03

You don’t have to comply. Agree to what you want to, decline days/holidays. The only explanation needed is that it doesn’t work for you.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2021 12:03

Jesus, just say no bloody hell, what a way to live!

Laserbird16 · 25/06/2021 12:03

Well they're a part of your life and important to DH so can you just make sure you incorporate enough down time for you in these weekends away that it's tolerable? Suggest they take DC out and you'll prep salads (then get a book out or go for a walk and relax). For a weekend I'd just do it and then rack up some relationship brownie points.

Going forward, you don't have to say yes to everything and if the in law's get offended by the occasional 'No thanks' then over to DH to now pay back relationship brownie points.

ShowMeHow · 25/06/2021 12:07

Do they try to pay/part pay? Ie this makes even more impossible to say no - like turning down a kind gift.

Do they schedule around their birthdays/special events? And also schedule and impose upon yours.

This type of the behaviour was part of the downfall of my extended family. We were expected to be the fans/audience to their lives and dreams.

Great offence was taken should we dare to prioritise differently. They would start to counter our plans by inviting our friends and DH relatives along too and then fall out with them causing issues.

From their perspective they were ‘devoted to family’ and we were rude and disrespectful, our extended family ungracious.

Shoxfordian · 25/06/2021 12:14

Say no then
No that doesn’t work for us

And get your husband on side

HelpingJane · 25/06/2021 12:15

Why can't DH and the kids just go?

Lalliebelle · 25/06/2021 12:16

Who handles communication with them, you or DH? If it's you, just say sorry we can't make it on Thursday, have a lovely time. What would happen if you tried that?

princesslarmadrama · 25/06/2021 12:18

Where does your DH stand with this?

ChaToilLeam · 25/06/2021 12:18

You just say no. What can they do? They can huff and puff, but they won’t turn up at your door with an army and carry you away.

Peace43 · 25/06/2021 12:19

Life is too short to do stuff you don’t want to do. Fuck that shit! Just say thanks but no thanks!

ApolloandDaphne · 25/06/2021 12:23

If your DH doesn't want to go either then you both need to maintain a united front and say no every single time.

elfycat · 25/06/2021 12:24

I had PIL like that (well I assume I still do) and went NC.

The one holiday we had together I was banished with my DDs from the evenings. I'd already told DH 'no' to the holiday but then he started making compromises and I ended up going along with it (sleep deprived and a bit PND). Undermined to the point a 13 yo thought he could tell me how to behave...

It's bliss the other side of NC. Apparently SIL had said to DH that she'll go NC with me if I continue to refuse to see her parents (she likes to think she is reasonable, but she's the mother of the former 13yo and like her parents wants to tell me what to do). I've told DH she can fuck right off too... These people bring nothing at all to my life or that of my children so they wield no power.

Start refusing them, worse case scenario is years of peace and quiet.

Ambo21 · 25/06/2021 12:26

You are an adult.. you get to choose who you spend time with. Tell your husband you are not playing the game any longer so wont be doing the 'happy family' thing any more. If he wants to go... then he can.. if the kids CHOOSE to go they can..
If you cant say no for your own sake consider the example you are setting for your children.. because they will be aware of the tensions... and dont rise to any exclamations of surprise, shock or hurt.. they dont include you in anything so they certainly wont miss you.. and you can have some 'me' time..

FlorrieLindley · 25/06/2021 13:02

52? I think it's time to be A LOT firmer on this situation.
MIL simply can't boss you around as if you were a young teenager. Either DH goes on his own with the DC, or you need to winnow out the important gettogethers from the 'days out' scenario. Or both.
So they kick off. So what?

Ourlady · 25/06/2021 13:06

YABU for putting up with this shite for so long.
What does your husband think of the disgusting way they treat you? Has he ever said anything to them?
Put your foot down and say no more.

Original poster

FiftyTwoAndToldWhatToDo · 25/06/2021 13:38

Is it normal though? To have someone who is nearly 80 bossing people around and organising things where you are expected to go? It is mostly for someone's anniversary, birthday...etc. etc. We are told that "it is XXX's birthday and s/he wants us all to go to XXX for the day" so it is hard to get out of.

I will go round to my own siblings' houses and go out for lunch and dinner with them, but I don't expect them to come on days out with castles with me or to stay in a hotel with us for the weekend. It is actually enforced family time.

Don't even get me started on Christmas and what a nightmare that is.

OP posts:

Mary46 · 25/06/2021 13:47

My mother tries control us. Its nightmare. Be very firm op as you will have years of this. I keep visits very minimal. We dont do breaks with her I would not start that Im 49

tallduckandhandsome · 25/06/2021 13:51

Them ignoring me and leaving me out would be enough to ensure I never went anywhere with them.

If DH wants to take them to see them then fine but say no holidays and weekends away, just have them with your dh and kids.

bridgetreilly · 25/06/2021 13:51

Cut her out of the loop for other people's things. If it's XXXX's birthday, talk to them directly (or better, get DH to) about their plans.

And use the word no whenever you like. You don't need excuses or other plans, you can just say no.

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