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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am 52 and my in-laws boss me around. AIBU?

89 replies

FiftyTwoAndToldWhatToDo · 25/06/2021 11:51

My MIL has always been a massive bossyboots. As her DD has aged, she has taken over the mantel. FYI SIL is a couple of years younger than me.

I have never got on with either of them well. I am actually quite assertive in real life, but I find them really hard to deal with and have felt bossed about for many years by MIL.

So MIL's thing is that she likes us all to go on holidays together, days out, weekends away, lunches, etc. I have done it in the past, but they have been pure hell. MIL and SIL are the centre of attention and no one speaks to me. I once went on holiday with them and they went out together shopping all the time and doing nice things together whilst I wasn't invited and went out with my DH and FIL to do blokey stuff. Nice!

Since I am the only one with DC, and I have 3 of them, we are expected to go on things as one big happy family and I HATE it. I have come up with lots of excuses and put things in the diary but I can't avoid everything.

So, it is coming up to our summer holidays with the DC. I have been asked to go away for the weekend, all one big happy family with PIL's, SIL and her DH and my lot. Then there is a day trip out planned and a BBQ. I know that doesn't sound a lot but I feel like I can't do anything myself without having to include them, as they get in a huff if we do something and they are not invited. DH doesn't really want to go either but keeps the peace.

I feel as if I am 52 and I am a grown woman and I am still being told what to do by a parent. I just DON'T want to go. I don't have a problem with lunches, dinners together as a family but I just don't get why I have to go on days out, weekends away and holidays with them? FYI I stopped the holidays a few years ago and I refuse to do it again.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lemonmelonsun · 25/06/2021 17:44

Elfy that sounds diabolical.. Let's hope your sil chooses to go no contact with you!

Branleuse · 25/06/2021 17:53

stop worrying about their opinion of you. Dont take the guilt trips on board.
You dont want to go and your husband doesnt even really want to go, so really, why the hell even go along with it?

Tell them that youve thought about it and decided that you want to do a smaller holiday this year rather than a group one, but you hope they have a lovely time.

If your dh then decides he does want to go, then be firm and tell him that hes welcome to go without you, but you are absolutely done with it

Whatwouldnanado · 25/06/2021 18:25

Smile and do as you like. Tell them you can't go and make plans with DH. Life's too short for this nonsense. Think what example you're setting your own kids.

JudgeJ · 25/06/2021 19:21

If she's doing this when you're 50+ then it's partly your own fault for not putting your foot down long ago!

JudgeJ · 25/06/2021 19:22

@Lemonmelonsun

Elfy that sounds diabolical.. Let's hope your sil chooses to go no contact with you!
Trump the SIL and go NC first!
lockdownalli · 25/06/2021 19:27

Why are you worried about saying No?

What is the absolute worst thing that could happen? They get upset? So what? If you do go, you are upset.

Say it doesn't suit you doing family holidays any more. Fuck 'em!

If DH kicks off, he can take the DC and you can have a lovely time away with your mates or enjoy the peace and quiet at home.

Big Girls Pants OP!!

Blacktothepink · 25/06/2021 19:28

No way would I entertain that shit!

TheoMeo · 25/06/2021 19:36

I presume the DCs are teens and if they don't mind being with the inlaws let them all go on their own and you do something else.
Book something (or claim to book something) art course, visit to old school pal, whatever.
You should not go with them where they ignore and intimidate you - what impression does that give the DCs of their DM, some weak-willed wooss. Do your own thing. If DH isn't happy he can cancel.

Notaroadrunner · 25/06/2021 19:44

Not a chance I'd be dictated to by inlaws. Next time your Dh tells you there's an event, day out, whatever, just tell him to enjoy it but you won't be going. If the inlaws text you directly just text back and say you have forwarded the message to Dh and he'll be in touch. Or better still stop responding to them and tell Dh to deal with his family from now on. As you say, you are 52 and well within your rights to back away from them. They don't own you and they don't get to make decisions for you. Start as soon as the next demand comes - say no.

Gh0stontoast · 25/06/2021 20:45

Presumably the PILs will not be able to go on these jaunts as they get older, but then you’ll be stuck with holidaying/family events with SIL for the rest of your life, if you don’t back away now.

Laserbird16 · 26/06/2021 03:46

@Lemonmelonsun not actually what I suggested but ok.

I think OP and her DH have found it hard to say no to his family. There is a weekend away planned and yes ideally no would be best. But it sounds like that might not happen so rather than feeling awful about the situation why not get through as a couple? Clumsily phrased on my part in my previous post but i think the technical term is a transformational rather than a transactional approach. Focus on the people not the problem.

I feel OP is very nice, finds it hard to say no and does want her children and DH to enjoy good relationships with his family. Lovely really. She doesn't need to sacrifice herself though. My thought was to do something low cost to her (open bag of mixed leaves for the BBQ) and then do something nice for herself to get some down time from her in laws which she finds difficult. Footrubs and acting as a human pouffe are not necessary 😂

I hope OP and DH get it sorted and really huffing and sulking have no power over you unless you let it.

Lemonmelonsun · 26/06/2021 07:45

Laser, your whole post was asking a people pleaser who can't put herself first... To focus on how her in laws feel by earning brownie points.

The whole focus should actually be her in laws focusing on her for a change, and perhaps trying to earn brownie points with her!

billy1966 · 26/06/2021 08:09

OP,
I can honestly say that I just can't understand how a 52 woman with children and a husband have so little control over their lives.

Really extraordinary.
Obviously it is NOT normal.

I feel very sorry for your 3 children growing up in a home with parents that have such appalling non existent boundaries.

What an example to them.

Kindly meant, but there are bossy people in the world but NO I don't think it is normal that you attend all these outings and holidays with people you don't like and don't like you.

For normal people it would happen once and it would be never again.

Instead of focusing on your in laws, focus on yourself and your husband and how low your self esteem and respect must be that you put up with this.

Have you given ANY thought to what you modeling to your child?

So NO your acceptance of their behaviour is NOT normal.

Flowers
worktrip · 26/06/2021 09:10

Can you go with a friend or ask DH to do things with you while they go off together? Why isn't DH siding with you anyway? Maybe a sister can go with you?

Laserbird16 · 26/06/2021 10:15

@Lemonmelonsun my post is about focusing on op and her relationship with her partner not her in laws. It's not always easy to go from people pleaser to assertive.

It's unrealistic to expect the in laws to recognise OP has opinions and preferences overnight. It's a long hard campaign with unreasonable family members. The tension between wanting to do right by yourself and wanting to facilitate a decent relationship with extended family is not easy

Lemonmelonsun · 26/06/2021 10:23

Laser, I've got a that t shirt, I've done that long hard campaign myself and op has to realise as most of us in this situation do, it's nothing to wait do with her but them.

Abd the long campaign is not worth it, op has already bent to their wishes, been around them etc and been totally cut out and ignored.

You are suggesting wrongly that now instead of just being isolated and not included she should actually give them food for when they go off without her!
It beggars belief!

Shes already a door matt and has been treated as such, now your suggesting she should buff their shoes as they walk over her.

It's time for effort to come from a the other direction and that's pull back, boundaries and raising oneself up!

thatsnotgoingtowork2 · 26/06/2021 10:28

That's not normal!

I would just say that now the children are at a different stage, you prefer to go away just the four of you but glad to meet up in the day time.

ChocolateCakeYum · 26/06/2021 10:31

You could start advocating for yourself and saying ‘no’. Nobody else is going to do it clearly. Where is your oh in all this and why isn’t he sticking up for you? Hate men that are cowed by their family. Not sexy at all.

3scape · 26/06/2021 10:37

Say no. Give them one weekend a year to do stuff. No one needs family more than that!

Mary46 · 26/06/2021 10:46

Say no more op. Dont let anyone boss you. My mother tried that. I have boundaries now. Same with mams looking for lifts sports related and never return favour. I just say no!!

80sballetgirl · 26/06/2021 11:04

Just keep rolling out the Mumsnet classic “no, that doesn’t work for me”, tell them to crack on, have a good time. End of discussion. Do not respond further.

It will be hard to begin with but the end result will be worth it.

Macncheeseballs · 26/06/2021 11:04

When I am in the presence of bossy people/relatives, I take advantage of the situation by switching off, it makes a break from decision making

HappyDays40 · 26/06/2021 11:53

I feel your pain OP my MIL is generally fine but when there is something she doesn't want to do none of get to do it.
My family go out for a curry xmas day, she is invited and now has decided she won't go. The only thing she wants to do is stay at home but she has a tiny flat , we have a small child and a dog. Her other children won't visit her on xmas day because they have their own familiesHmm not quite sure what they think are doing then but hey! She would be alone so we have no choice.

We have taken back control in other areas such as although we visit every week we choose the day as we both work full time. We don't say yes to every demand just to things that fit around our other commitments, we take her shopping if we are able buy will order things for her online.
All im saying is instead of starting arguements or getting into a confrontation maybe just pick and choose what you do instead of everything. If its too complicated a situation and you don't want the confluct take back control slowly if rasier for you.

LannieDuck · 26/06/2021 12:13

Just say 'no thank you'. If DH wants to go to these events, he can take the kids with him, and you can have some child-free time to yourself.

Maybe agree to the odd event for the sake of the extended family (unless you want to go NC), but pick and choose them.

Lemonmelonsun · 26/06/2021 21:55

If the dc want to go.
They may not want to spend time with people who ignore their dm.
Unless op is an obvious nightmare