I am 52 and my in-laws boss me around. AIBU?

[FiftyTwoAndToldWhatToDo]

My MIL has always been a massive bossyboots. As her DD has aged, she has taken over the mantel. FYI SIL is a couple of years younger than me.

I have never got on with either of them well. I am actually quite assertive in real life, but I find them really hard to deal with and have felt bossed about for many years by MIL.

So MIL's thing is that she likes us all to go on holidays together, days out, weekends away, lunches, etc. I have done it in the past, but they have been pure hell. MIL and SIL are the centre of attention and no one speaks to me. I once went on holiday with them and they went out together shopping all the time and doing nice things together whilst I wasn't invited and went out with my DH and FIL to do blokey stuff. Nice!

Since I am the only one with DC, and I have 3 of them, we are expected to go on things as one big happy family and I HATE it. I have come up with lots of excuses and put things in the diary but I can't avoid everything.

So, it is coming up to our summer holidays with the DC. I have been asked to go away for the weekend, all one big happy family with PIL's, SIL and her DH and my lot. Then there is a day trip out planned and a BBQ. I know that doesn't sound a lot but I feel like I can't do anything myself without having to include them, as they get in a huff if we do something and they are not invited. DH doesn't really want to go either but keeps the peace.

I feel as if I am 52 and I am a grown woman and I am still being told what to do by a parent. I just DON'T want to go. I don't have a problem with lunches, dinners together as a family but I just don't get why I have to go on days out, weekends away and holidays with them? FYI I stopped the holidays a few years ago and I refuse to do it again.

AIBU?

Also op, have you seen the endless in law Xmas threads on here, they appear around Sept, poor dils dreading the in law Xmas seasons!

You absolutely can say no. Then tell your DH you don't want to hear about how annoyed / angry / upset they are, he needs to keep those conversations to himself.

It sounds like he's happy to use you as a buffer between himself and his family which is very unfair. If he wants to see them the off he can trot, give you some time to do whatever you want.

Also, how old are the dc's? Do they enjoy the enforced family time? Do you have holidays and weekends just you , DH and them?

Dont go. If your dh cant grow a spine send him off with the kids and do your own thing. (He will grow one sharpish if thats the option!

I used to make all kinds of excuses to avoid the horrendous big family christmas. Being a non driver I was stuck with staying with my parents all over the festive season.

First I started taking holidays over that period.

Then I just told them I was going on holiday.

Finally I had the guts to say I am not coming for christmas because I dont want to.

They didnt understand but they just had to suck it up.

No it’s not normal.

But it happens because you allow it. Just say no. Nobody dies if you do.

Worst case is they get offended. Again nobody dies of offence.

If they fall out with you your life gets less stressful as you don’t have to deal with them at all.

Stop giving fucks.

@HappyDays40
She would be alone so we have no choice

Nope. She is choosing to be alone rather than join you for a curry. That’s her decision. Go for your curry, have a great time!

OP, I am your age and I am embracing No Longer Giving A Fuck.
“We’re all going to xxxx for Auntie yyy’s birthday.”
“That sounds nice, I’m sure you’ll have a great day. Thanks for reminding me to send a card”

If you think you need and excuse, “with the children at the ages they are now, family life is much busier so we won’t be free nearly so often.”

You’re utterly unreasonable for being 52 and putting up with this nonsense.
If hubby wants to go, he can go without you and he can take the kids. Enjoy the time alone.

How old are the kids?

My husband sometimes chooses to go. He’s never taken the children. His choice, but if takes them, then he has to organize everything they need, clothes passport medications booking and he just can’t be bothered!!

I would answer - ‘I’ll check my diary and get back to you’ then if DH also doesn’t want to attend they say ‘WE are busy’ no explanation no lies just simple no thanks.

If DH is not fussed but going for duty sake then can you two sit and decide beforehand what you DO want to attend as a family, what he would DO solo or with the kids and the rest is a no? When they TELL you an event is happening agree whoever gets told says I will check what we are doing/if we are free, and from there discuss as above who of you is going then stick to it. As others have said you could have decades of this yet. Covid must have been a godsend for you in regards to family quality time away from them.

Just keep repeating it to yourself.

You are 52.
You are 52.
You are 52.
Seriously lady you are 52!!!

Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?

Just refuse, what’s the worst that could happen? What does your dh/the dc want to do?

Just say no thanks. No expectation. They sound rude so no explanation needed. Compromise by offering the kids but they must make adequate provision and ensure they take child friendly excursions.

@bridgetreilly

Cut her out of the loop for other people's things. If it's XXXX's birthday, talk to them directly (or better, get DH to) about their plans.

And use the word no whenever you like. You don't need excuses or other plans, you can just say no.

Could agree more with this

@FiftyTwoAndToldWhatToDo I can’t emphasise this enough, USE THE WORD NO.

What are they going to do? Come and force you to get in the car? Kidnap you? At gunpoint?

No. They will froth and splutter and all you need to do is shrug and say “No, we’re not going to make it” and “because we don’t want to”

You can do this. You have the permission you need to say no. You have the power to decide how your life is run.

If you don’t make this change now, coming out of Covid restrictions etc, you never will

“We’re not going away anywhere this year”
“We’re spending Christmas at home this year”

You CAN do this. Start now.

My ils never had my mobile number..made for a much easier life.. Forward any texts to your dh. Let him deal with them all. Pre warn him he isn't to include you in any plans he makes with his family..