I am 52 and my in-laws boss me around. AIBU?

[FiftyTwoAndToldWhatToDo]

My MIL has always been a massive bossyboots. As her DD has aged, she has taken over the mantel. FYI SIL is a couple of years younger than me.

I have never got on with either of them well. I am actually quite assertive in real life, but I find them really hard to deal with and have felt bossed about for many years by MIL.

So MIL's thing is that she likes us all to go on holidays together, days out, weekends away, lunches, etc. I have done it in the past, but they have been pure hell. MIL and SIL are the centre of attention and no one speaks to me. I once went on holiday with them and they went out together shopping all the time and doing nice things together whilst I wasn't invited and went out with my DH and FIL to do blokey stuff. Nice!

Since I am the only one with DC, and I have 3 of them, we are expected to go on things as one big happy family and I HATE it. I have come up with lots of excuses and put things in the diary but I can't avoid everything.

So, it is coming up to our summer holidays with the DC. I have been asked to go away for the weekend, all one big happy family with PIL's, SIL and her DH and my lot. Then there is a day trip out planned and a BBQ. I know that doesn't sound a lot but I feel like I can't do anything myself without having to include them, as they get in a huff if we do something and they are not invited. DH doesn't really want to go either but keeps the peace.

I feel as if I am 52 and I am a grown woman and I am still being told what to do by a parent. I just DON'T want to go. I don't have a problem with lunches, dinners together as a family but I just don't get why I have to go on days out, weekends away and holidays with them? FYI I stopped the holidays a few years ago and I refuse to do it again.

AIBU?

Sounds like a nightmare. I would use the Covid situation to your advantage to break the cycle over the rest of this year. Then choose what level of contact you do or don't want with them and leave your DH to communicate with them.

Some families are just like this, I think. My IL's are much nicer than yours but we're also under pressure to do things, despite living far away and being a family of four. It never seems to occur to them or my SIL's that our expenses are far greater than theirs when we travel. A couple of things I've gradually implemented - firstly, get your DH to visit them/do these trips with them on his own. We started doing that a few years back simply because of logistics and it's completely fine DH recently spent a long weekend with his parents (the children genuinely couldn't go due to sports commitments) and it was great. We see them at other times, but it doesn't need to be the whole family every single time.

Secondly, you don't mention your children's ages, but mine are increasingly busy now that they're teenagers. They have school commitments, play on sports teams, DD has her first PT job, etc.

There comes a point when you simply can't drag them along to everything, especially if they don't have cousins to hang out with, so don't be afraid to say that DD can't make it so neither can you.

Finally, if you have a pet, they're a great excuse. One of my SIL's won't go anywhere without her dogs and won't use a dog sitter (so she rarely goes anywhere and expects us to visit her). I've started suggesting that our dog also can't be left very often and they can't argue with it! In reality, he loves staying with our dog sitter, it's a holiday for him.

Be strong, OP, you don't have to be nasty, just firm. Once you say no a few times, it gets easier!

I think its just time to start saying no. Are your kids older teens now? They won't want to do these weekends and activities now.
Just send a message saying, we won't be coming. The kids are older now and we want to do our own thing around them.
Seriously just start with one no, decline one invitation then the next one will be easier. And then say a no to xmas as well! You have your family and your own 3 children. They are the priority

We do sometimes do family days out for birthdays or sometimes a meal - but then there are only 10 of us all (mine/dh siblings/kids) in so it doesn't eat that much time. And most of the time they are people we enjoy being with. Joint holidays nope - not since the kids were toddlers!

OP, are you going to live all your life to somebody’s expectations?

Where’s your DH in that?

I suppose 80 years old has their life a bit less busy than somebody with 3 kids?

Just start saying “no”. You have plans, you can’t go, not your thing,whatever.

As for Christmas - have you ever had one just you,DC and DH? Nice and relaxed?

Good for you @elfycat.

The result of the fall out. Peace and quiet and no drama. Bliss 😄

My mil can be like this.
I just smile and say “no thank you” when I am told I’m doing something I don’t want to
You either need to change your reaction or suck it up because you won’t change them

I think you just have to say no. Or to be polite oh that's a shame, we already have plans that day/weekend/week

Get Christmas sorted too. Why's is it all about your husband's family??have a quiet one at home

I am not being weird (well maybe just a bit) when I say that you should practise saying the word "no". Over again until you feel comfortable saying it. Use it freely-you'll feel great.

If they say "why not we always do" the reply is "we fancy a change"
Get your husband on side.

Is it normal though? To have someone who is nearly 80 bossing people around and organising things where you are expected to go? It is mostly for someone's anniversary, birthday...etc. etc. We are told that "it is XXX's birthday and s/he wants us all to go to XXX for the day" so it is hard to get out of.

I don't know about it being normal but there are people out there like that that view themselves as the boss and insist everyone to do exactly what they say.

What is not normal is adults pandering to this, doing things the don't want to do and subjecting themselves to what you are being/have been subjected to in order to keep the peace or in the case of your dh for a quiet life.

You are allowed to say no, you are allowed to set your own boundaries, you are allowed to make decisions to suit you and your family, there isn't a gun being held to your head to force you to comply with their dictats.

Decide what you are prepared to go to, what you are prepared to host and stick to it, you don't owe them explanations or justifications.

Come on, OP, your MIL could live another 20 years and your SIL might outlive you. You simply can't put up with this shit for the rest of your life.

I just wouldn't go away for the weekend. I'd avoid seeing them unless it's for a cup of tea. I'd be prepared to be open about it, too - "It's not as if you want me there, MIL, last time you and SIL just went off without me" - tell it how it is.

You have one life. Don't let them dominate you.

@FiftyTwoAndToldWhatToDo

Is it normal though? To have someone who is nearly 80 bossing people around and organising things where you are expected to go? It is mostly for someone's anniversary, birthday...etc. etc. We are told that "it is XXX's birthday and s/he wants us all to go to XXX for the day" so it is hard to get out of.

I will go round to my own siblings' houses and go out for lunch and dinner with them, but I don't expect them to come on days out with castles with me or to stay in a hotel with us for the weekend. It is actually enforced family time.

Don't even get me started on Christmas and what a nightmare that is.

I don't think it is normal. Also, you are 52, not 15. You are no longer a child who they can boss around, so don't act like one by acquiescing so readily to their demands.

Something like "no thanks, we are busy that weekend/children have commitments" etc. Or simply tell them straight that it isn't your thing so you won't be going.

As for Christmas, just say firmly that you are going to spend it quietly at home with your DH and children. Stick to that, even if they cry and whinge and try to coerce you.

I actually like @HollowTalk 's response too. Telling it as it is. No harm in that at all.

Say no thank you, you're not going, say it with a smile. No explanation necessary. Tell Dh hes free to go with or without the kids , it's up to him ( don't know how old your kids are they might not want to go )
If you don't feel confident enough you could invent covid symptoms, but that's just putting off the inevitable until next time .

My in-laws are similar though nicer. They don't have antipathy towards me and are kind people in many ways, but very controlling and see women as lower on the hierarchy and must obey elders. You need to activate your middle-aged-woman immovability. I think the first thing you need to do is decide what are the things that you absolutely will no longer do. Overnight trips? Christmas? Focus on those first. Then decide what you are willing to do: family dinners? Barbeques? How many times per year. Establish those two boundaries with your husband. (Be careful about saying you'll do lots of family dinners because you could end up doing them every week.) When I say establish these boundaries, I mean, you're not going and you tell your husband that. From now on, no overnight trips and Christmas will be my way. Cousin Astrid wants to go on an overnight to Castle Hambacksenzim for her birthday? Happy birthday and have a lovely day. Why? Because I'm fifty-two and too old to be going on overnight trips with my MIL like a teenage child. I'm willing to do X number of family dinners per year. Count them but only tell dh, don't tell the in-laws (otherwise it'll be used as a tool to manipulate you). Or if you think dh will blab to his family that you have a quote for annual number of family dinners/barbeques, then don't tell him. Just keep track in your mind and when you've hit your limit, "sorry, I'm not up to that, but you all have fun. We'll see you in September for the annual family National Maritime Flags barbeque."

Laser bird I've never read such awful advice... Prep up the salad give them a foot rub after their walk op, let them rest their legs on your shoulder whilst you massage
And perhaps even clean up whilst your on the floor

Get yourself some brownie points!! Because you really need too!

No

Op.

No

Don't do it, just be crisp and start to say no, gently but firmly do a dance

No

I'm appalled by families who treat married in members like this, so awfully!! Then expect them to do their bidding, as pp said don't be a victim, your in charge of your life. They have a right to ask, and you have a right to say no.

@ShowMeHow

Wow the "being the audience to their events" so so true!
You've just summed up what I realise our in laws want! They want us to be their audience! They are so smug and proud of themselves! If we ever meet them anywhere else it's always a massive push for their house where you can't even relax because Mil is super super house proud! Anyway thanks.. Beautiful way of putting it!

Blimey, I've just realised an unexpected silver lining to undiagnosed adhd, I couldn't ever "toe the line" for that length of time. Got very messy.

Now diagnosed, my attention span is less than 20 mins as my masking is now pants. Tea & cake is the most I run to these days.

Free yourself! Send DH & kids if necessary.

How old are the DC? I would reply no and no.

I cannot comment on in laws but my dm still treats me as a child and I am 60 years old. On the rare times I visit she tries to tell me which way to park outside her house and gets cross when I do not comply. If we are in the car together she tries to dictate the route somewhere and again wants me to park where she says. I could go on...
As a mother myself I understand that 'your children will always be your children' But also realise that children grow up and treat them accordingly.

@ShowMeHow

Do they try to pay/part pay? Ie this makes even more impossible to say no - like turning down a kind gift.

Do they schedule around their birthdays/special events? And also schedule and impose upon yours.

This type of the behaviour was part of the downfall of my extended family. We were expected to be the fans/audience to their lives and dreams.

Great offence was taken should we dare to prioritise differently. They would start to counter our plans by inviting our friends and DH relatives along too and then fall out with them causing issues.

From their perspective they were ‘devoted to family’ and we were rude and disrespectful, our extended family ungracious.

Absolutely!

I think at 50+ you should untangle yourself from this power-play where you are all assigned roles in someone elses soap opera.

It's time you stood witness to your own achievements, not someone elses.

I hope I dont come across as rude.

But you're in your 50's.
If you cant choose what you do with your time now, you aren't going to.

Do you really want to be dictated to, all the way into your 80's If you get that old?

Seriously time is short, dont waste it on people that dont like spending time with you.

Hopefully at least your DCs will be able to break away and live their own lives.

At 52 you are old enough to put a stop to this. Why bother spending time with people who don’t even seem to like you much?

I'm the 5% who said YABU, by which I mean, YABU to put up with it.

You don't have to go on holidays, days out and weekends away with them, if you don't want to.

If you don't want to go, and your dh really isn't bothered, then say no. I can't see why you wouldn't. This doesn't sound like it is a situation where your dh really wants to go and you are being persuaded.

Though this sounds like it was ideal, if you don't like them, that they went off and left you, your dh, and your FiL to it

I once went on holiday with them and they went out together shopping all the time and doing nice things together whilst I wasn't invited and went out with my DH and FIL to do blokey stuff. Nice!