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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said this?

139 replies

TheFrogNGoose · 24/06/2021 12:50

I've been feeling quite underappreciated by DH recently and we had a bit of a row about it the other day. I ended up shouting to him that he would now need to sort everything for his children. Tbh I feel like it's the only card I really have as I know he struggles to do a lot of stuff without me helping.

I feel like I do everything for DC, ours and his and he seems to forget that this is, in regards to DSC, a favour to him and not something I am obligated to do.

Things like taking them to and from school. I now won't do it and he is having to get to work late/leave early to do it on his days (self employed). I can tell he is sulking about it and wanting to ask me again to keep doing it.

I also always sort out things for lunches all the time so the other day I told him a few times that he'd need to get something in for them on the way home and he didn't. So I didn't remind him again meaning he had to go early in the morning to the shop and get something which he was cross about.

He said he thinks I shouldn't be 'bringing the children into our issues' which I feel is just a way to guilt me into continue doing this.

So AIBU to say that doing these things absolutely are a favour to him and if he doesn't appreciate the things I do, including for DSC, then I am not unreasonable to stop doing it.

OP posts:
PurpleyBlue · 24/06/2021 20:44

*presliced

IDontReadEyebrows · 24/06/2021 20:51

Not unreasonable at all OP but I hope you’re not having these arguments about what you now won’t do for the children when they’re around because that’s not fair on them. It is however, totally fair that their actual dad feed them, get them ready for school and get them there. It really is the absolute minimum of what parents should do for their children.

It’s great when parent and stepparent work as a team and everyone mucks in and gets on with it but it’s not really being part of a team if one of you is unhappy at being taken for granted.

Vikingintraining · 24/06/2021 20:52

I get what you were trying to achieve and I sympathise but the reality is it's the kids who suffer the fallout of this. Yes it is probably doing DH good to understand how difficult it is to manage the kids, but the kids are probably noticing the big split down your household now. There are better ways to resolve conflict. Have an honest conversation. Draw up a list of chores, maybe there are other things DH can take on that fit better with his work so that he's not taking time off for school runs - presumably you are suffering financially from his time off work!

nimbuscloud · 24/06/2021 20:57

My sympathies are always with the children who end up in these shit situations through no fault of their own. They will carry the emotional damage with them.

QueenBee52 · 24/06/2021 21:07

@nimbuscloud

My sympathies are always with the children who end up in these shit situations through no fault of their own. They will carry the emotional damage with them.
Behave... their DAD is there ...
GreenTeaPingPong · 24/06/2021 21:13

@Rebelwithverysharpclaws

Odd how many people think having a vag makes you better at doing the school run - perhaps they think we steer the car with our flaps.
Quote of the week! Grin Star
nimbuscloud · 24/06/2021 21:20

Behave... their DAD is there ...

Am well aware of that
And he is the adult who has created the shit situation.

QueenBee52 · 24/06/2021 21:29

@nimbuscloud

Behave... their DAD is there ...

Am well aware of that
And he is the adult who has created the shit situation.

yes so lets not get carried away with 'emotional damage' because Dads making packed lunch and doing the school run 🙄

coodawoodashooda · 24/06/2021 21:33

Yeah. Your husband thinks he's got you stuck.

nimbuscloud · 24/06/2021 21:36

yes so lets not get carried away with 'emotional damage' because Dads making packed lunch and doing the school run

I’d say they are well aware of the tensions. Don’t belittle what they may be feeling.

Original poster
TheFrogNGoose · 24/06/2021 21:37

@KarmaStar

Yabvu.how do you think his dc are feeling when you treat them differently to your own? It's not " good for you " at all,you really should be ashamed of yourself to make these children feel unwanted. 'obligated,obliged,' ..what a terrible word to use. This is really sad for the children and their hurt must be really cutting them up. Sort this out between two adults,don't use children to do it. So so sad.
Did you read my posts at all? The children aren't feeling cut up for goodness sake. How dramatic.

As far as they are concerned I'm a bit busy with work and so their Dad is taking them to school. It's really not the end of the world. They don't need therapy because their Dad made their packed lunch instead of me.

The kids are fine they don't even know this conversation has happened and they are their normal perfectly happy selves.

It's not treating them differently either. Our DC don't go to school yet so I'm not taking one lot but not the other. Their needs are different they are treated differently regardless because they are different ages. One lot needs to go to school the other doesn't, one lot needs a packed lunch the others don't.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 24/06/2021 21:44

@nimbuscloud

yes so lets not get carried away with 'emotional damage' because Dads making packed lunch and doing the school run

I’d say they are well aware of the tensions. Don’t belittle what they may be feeling.

and not exaggerate trauma either

CassandraTrotter · 24/06/2021 21:50

@Isthisit22

God Mumsnet is ridiculous sometimes! There are hundreds of threads where women talk about their useless partners who don't pull their weight... Everyone tells them to stop doing stuff for the partner. When a woman comes on having stood up for herself in that exact way, people say she should be a good little wifey and do it all as they are a team Hmm YADNU OP. Stick to your guns until he apologises and then you can discuss being a proper team and doing chores proportionately to free time.
Christ this is depressing reading. So many women who think a woman should do the parenting and not expect a poor man to care for his kids.

Those poor kids? Their father is finally after being forced taking some responsibility for basic parenting of getting them to school with a lunch. He isn't dad of the year!

Op, stand your ground. Your time and career is nit worth less than his.

CassandraTrotter · 24/06/2021 21:50

Sorry i meant to say i agrees with the poster i quoted!

Waspsarearseholes · 24/06/2021 21:51

@nimbuscloud

My sympathies are always with the children who end up in these shit situations through no fault of their own. They will carry the emotional damage with them.
Imagine being emotionally scarred because your own father made your packed lunch and drove you to school.
Sillawithans · 24/06/2021 21:54

Using children as a weapon is sick.

Sillawithans · 24/06/2021 21:58

You are treating them differently. You used to take them to school and now you don't, that's different right. It doesn't mean you have to treat them differently to your biological children. I have a 16 step son, I could not imagine treating him like this, not if I lived to be a gazillion years old. There are other ways you could make your point surely.

Waspsarearseholes · 24/06/2021 22:03

@Sillawithans

You are treating them differently. You used to take them to school and now you don't, that's different right. It doesn't mean you have to treat them differently to your biological children. I have a 16 step son, I could not imagine treating him like this, not if I lived to be a gazillion years old. There are other ways you could make your point surely.
So OP has to forever take the children to school? This can never be changed? Their own father can't take his children to school because it is "sick"? What an odd opinion.
Sunshine4you · 24/06/2021 22:03

Women like this clearly only ever cared for the man and having their own children with him. They didn't take it as a package deal and love his children whole heartedly before they had their own. As a child to a step mother who was like this when I was small.. I have no compassion or care for threads like these.

Original poster
TheFrogNGoose · 24/06/2021 22:04

You used to take them to school and now you don't

And now their Dad does... Someone call the police!

You don't have to continue being taken advantage of just because you used to.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFrogNGoose · 24/06/2021 22:06

It's absolutely nothing to do with loving the kids or not. I've told my husband he needs to step up with his kids. I've not said anything about the children themselves or that I don't care about them.

As PP said, poster's are actively encouraged on here to do similar when it's their own kids and their husbands don't do anything.

OP posts:
CupOfTPlease · 24/06/2021 22:11

It's a tricky one.

Although he's ungrateful and not appreciative of what you do, I'm sure the children are. The fact you take them to school and make their lunches.

If it were me, yes 100% I'd be peed off with him but would probably carry on with what I was doing already with the children.

If you made his lunches, dinner just don't to his.

bigbaggyeyes · 24/06/2021 22:16

Well done op, I think you've done the right thing. If you've spoken to him about this and he's chosen to ignore the conversations and continue to treat you in such a way then I see nothing wrong in what you've done. He's completely disrespecting you, and your feelings by taking you for granted.

For those wringing their hands about you treating the dc differently, of course you will, they aren't your dc and it's their fathers responsibility to look after them. You have a relationship with them as you are their step mother, but that doesn't turn
you into a skivvy for your dh

Waspsarearseholes · 24/06/2021 22:18

@Sunshine4you

Women like this clearly only ever cared for the man and having their own children with him. They didn't take it as a package deal and love his children whole heartedly before they had their own. As a child to a step mother who was like this when I was small.. I have no compassion or care for threads like these.
Women don't have to love another woman's children before they're allowed their own. Bloody hell. The OP takes better care of her stepchildren than their own father does. She's told him she expects him to do better and be a better parent to them and stop being such a dick but she's the one in the wrong? The kind boggles. I'm sorry you had a horrid stepmother. Interesting how you don't appear to blame your dad for not putting you first in this scenario, though. Presumably he chose to marry your stepmother and watched uselessly as you were treated poorly by her? Why didn't he look out for you? He's the one with the responsibility towards you rather than his new wife. But that's ok is it?
WoeIsMoi · 24/06/2021 22:21

This thread is appalling honestly. The amount of women who are happy for another woman to be taken completely for granted and do the 'wife work' just so that a man doesn't have to actually step up is laughable.

Talking about emotional damage because their father has had to drive them to school. Get a grip.

I'll remember that because I usually do the school runs I can't ever ask DH to do them otherwise my children will be emotionally scarred at the huge traumatic change to their day to day life of their Dad driving them to the school gate instead of me Hmm

This could happen for any reason at all, new job meaning it's no longer feasible for SM to do it, new baby not sleeping so Dad having to step in so Mum can rest or whatever. Your other parent taking you to school and making your lunch is such a minor change to a child's day to day that it's not even worth headspace. It happens all the time, even in together families for lots of reasons. It's not feasible to say the same person must ALWAYS do this or that.

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