To have said this?

[TheFrogNGoose]

I've been feeling quite underappreciated by DH recently and we had a bit of a row about it the other day. I ended up shouting to him that he would now need to sort everything for his children. Tbh I feel like it's the only card I really have as I know he struggles to do a lot of stuff without me helping.

I feel like I do everything for DC, ours and his and he seems to forget that this is, in regards to DSC, a favour to him and not something I am obligated to do.

Things like taking them to and from school. I now won't do it and he is having to get to work late/leave early to do it on his days (self employed). I can tell he is sulking about it and wanting to ask me again to keep doing it.

I also always sort out things for lunches all the time so the other day I told him a few times that he'd need to get something in for them on the way home and he didn't. So I didn't remind him again meaning he had to go early in the morning to the shop and get something which he was cross about.

He said he thinks I shouldn't be 'bringing the children into our issues' which I feel is just a way to guilt me into continue doing this.

So AIBU to say that doing these things absolutely are a favour to him and if he doesn't appreciate the things I do, including for DSC, then I am not unreasonable to stop doing it.

Oh op I’ve been there. I feel your frustration.

How old are his children? And is your dc his child too?

It’s all well and good saying “don’t bring the children in to it”, but when will he ever learn? Sometimes like you say when it’s the only card you have to play what else can you do?

I wouldn’t want to be running around for any dsc either if I was with a father who was taking the piss. I’d be willing to do it for my own yes as I’m their mother.

In these situations, the blame gets heavily placed on to the stepmother for not being the bigger person and to be honest I’m quite sick of hearing it. How about the dad changes, and then the stepmother contributes more to the dsc? That would be a start.

How can he be complaining? He's their parent and he's shock-horror having to be a parent to them!

He either thinks the school runs etc are simple and not time-consuming, in which case doing them shouldn't be a problem for him.

Or he sees the mental and physical load of childcare, including ensuring food is in, cooking, cleaning up after the DC and school runs as an additional workload in which case he should be thanking you profusely for having done it for so long.

He can't have it both ways can he?

You’ve married a man with children, you can’t now start picking and choosing whether to be involved with their day to day lives or not.

Bit ironic seeing as the FATHER is picking and choosing where HE wants to be involved and you’re placing the blame heavily on the op?

I find the post saying 'So the children just won't go to school or eat then?!?!?!' very dramatic. Of course they will. Because their Dad will do it.

Why does me not doing it mean they must be starving and not in school? They do have a Dad fgs

Odd how many people think having a vag makes you better at doing the school run - perhaps they think we steer the car with our flaps.

Why are posters castigating OP over her decision to make her STEP children's actual father be a father!?

It's so hard to find the right balance. When I was first a step parent the things I did were appreciated. But before long it was seen as my job and whenever I put my foot down I was accused of picking on his children and making them unwelcome. I still feel guilt now that the poor kids were dragged into it. my ex would tell them that I didn't want them there etc which wasn't true. I had just said that he couldn't have the children on nigths that he did his hobby. Or if he was arranging a weekend away then he would have to swap his weekend with the kids. I wasn't there to give his ex a break. It was supposed to be time with his children.
I think as women to naturally take on more of a caring role. But it's so hard when you are expected to so everything. I'm not saying that the children of the house hold should be treated differently. But the other person needs to pull their weight

Difficult situation by the sounds of things. I never understand why anyone chooses to marry someone who already has children if they don’t really want anything to do with said children. I think when you marry and then have children with someone, their existing children are a part of that family too and every bit as important even though they aren’t biologically yours. You work together as a family and do whatever works best for you all. He’s now late to work because you won’t take his children to school for very little reason other than pettiness.

Good for you and ignore all those saying you should carry on doing stuff.

If it is the only way he gets to understand what you do then fine, as it’s obvious from your post he won’t let the kids starve, will collect and drop them up, so getting more time with them

Once the dust has settled I would have a chat and say right let’s rethink, what are you going to do, what will I do and perhaps share tasks more having made the point it’s not all on you

@Ohmygoshandfolly

Difficult situation by the sounds of things. I never understand why anyone chooses to marry someone who already has children if they don’t really want anything to do with said children. I think when you marry and then have children with someone, their existing children are a part of that family too and every bit as important even though they aren’t biologically yours. You work together as a family and do whatever works best for you all. He’s now late to work because you won’t take his children to school for very little reason other than pettiness.

But shouldn't that also apply to the Dad?! Why did he have kids if he didn't want to do anything for them? And why is it her job to drop them at school, why not the Dad? It is not HER refusal to drop them that is making him late. It is a joint responsibility

I don’t think you should treat your SC different to your own in a blended family.

I don't think OP's partner should leave looking after his kids to her 'blended' or not you don't fight to get shared custody of your kids just to dump them on your 2nd wife.

Chocolatebuttercream I agree, why did he have kids if he can't be bothered to look after them.

@VladmirsPoutine

Why are posters castigating OP over her decision to make her STEP children's actual father be a father!?

This place is so weird sometimes!

I don’t think either of you are in the right really, of course he should do more and appreciate more, but your step child/children are humans who don’t deserve to be stuck in the middle being messed around, you aren't doing the child a favour, you are doing their dad a favour so it’s a shame that it’s the kids being messed about and you couldn’t find a way to punish him that didn’t affect their day to day life. Hopefully they are too young to realise you view them as less than your own children and that your husband can’t be bothered to prioritise them.

you couldn’t find a way to punish him that didn’t affect their day to day life

Please explain how being taken to school by their Dad or having their lunches made by their Dad has any detrimental affect on their day to day life? I'll wait.

I don’t think your being unreasonable. They are his kids and his responsibility, you can help out but it should be seen as help not your role. Have you told him how he can show you your contribution is valued? The problem with the current set up is it’s transactional and while that may be effective in illustrating your point it doesn’t resolve things moving forward so the next step is what do you want from this? Not in a general I want you to step up kind of way but in a specific I need help with the house admin, this is what you need to do, or you are responsible for food etc. Maybe you want time carved out for you both as a couple? It’s hard feeling under appreciated but you need to think about how that can be changed long term as soon your kids will be school age and now is the time to set expectations.

The thing I find funny on these threads is that if we weren't talking about step children poster's would be encouraging this. I've seen it tonnes on here 'leave him with the kids all day then whilst you go out if he thinks it's easy' and so on... But with step children oh no... You must continue doing everything he should be doing even if he doesn't appreciate it at all because otherwise it's oh so unfair. Yawn.

No wonder men think it's okay to do as little as possible when other women put the onus on a woman who isn't even the children's mother to care for them more than their own Dad does.

it’s a shame that it’s the kids being messed about and you couldn’t find a way to punish him that didn’t affect their day to day life.

If anything its better for the kids to spend time with their actual parent on the school run. And unless their dad makes really shit lunches with out of date food they won't be worse off there either.

Also I don't agree that looking after your own children is punishment.

@WoeIsMoi I’m sure he makes a fine lunch, but their step mum doing everything for them to suddenly they have an argument she won’t do it and the idiot dad is running around late in a grump... it’s a sudden change in routine and an atmosphere and many kids would assume they’ve done something wrong in this situation.

You should have posted this in the step parenting board OP, now you've got to waste your time replying to people with no experience of step parenting saying things like "there should be no difference between your DC and his DC/you're all a family/you're not being a team player" etc etc.

It's nonsense. He is their parent, he should so it. Hell would freeze over before I would do these massive favours for someone that wasn't appreciative and didn't recognise it as a favour. Stand your ground, you've done the right thing.

I think it unfair to single out the dsc. how on earth do you think that makes them feel! Pretty awful if you ask me
But your dh sounds lazy- I think you should keep the dsc out of it!

yeah....I see why you are doing it but kids aren't hamsters and it kind of feels wrong......are you sure there is no other stuff that you can withdraw?
I am actually not in favour of industrial action in families because I don't think it will change the underlying dynamic and escalating it can be dodgy. I take it you have sat down and talked to him about how you feel and what you need?

Hopefully they are too young to realise you view them as less than your own children and that your husband can’t be bothered to prioritise them

But there is less responsibility for her DSC. That's just the truth. Step parents aren't responsible for doing these things for their step.childrem in the same way she is her own children. It doesn't make the step children lesser people. They just have different parents who are ultimately responsible for them.

I never understand why in most cases it's accepted that children have two parents and between them they should be able to manage their children's needs but with step children if they aren't being cared for by every single person in the set up then it must be awful for them. They have a mum and dad like everyone else.

@VladmirsPoutine

Why are posters castigating OP over her decision to make her STEP children's actual father be a father!?

Silly Vlad. It's because she's a step parent. She starts in the wrong and gets more wrong from there until she's the wrongest wronger that ever wronged.