To have said this?

[TheFrogNGoose]

I've been feeling quite underappreciated by DH recently and we had a bit of a row about it the other day. I ended up shouting to him that he would now need to sort everything for his children. Tbh I feel like it's the only card I really have as I know he struggles to do a lot of stuff without me helping.

I feel like I do everything for DC, ours and his and he seems to forget that this is, in regards to DSC, a favour to him and not something I am obligated to do.

Things like taking them to and from school. I now won't do it and he is having to get to work late/leave early to do it on his days (self employed). I can tell he is sulking about it and wanting to ask me again to keep doing it.

I also always sort out things for lunches all the time so the other day I told him a few times that he'd need to get something in for them on the way home and he didn't. So I didn't remind him again meaning he had to go early in the morning to the shop and get something which he was cross about.

He said he thinks I shouldn't be 'bringing the children into our issues' which I feel is just a way to guilt me into continue doing this.

So AIBU to say that doing these things absolutely are a favour to him and if he doesn't appreciate the things I do, including for DSC, then I am not unreasonable to stop doing it.

This is exactly why I wouldn't date men who have kids. You end up being their mother while daddy does bugger all, and you get shit for it.

I can see half and half really. You shouldn't be bringing them into it because you knew they existed when you got together with him. You were happy to take on the responsibility for them by staying with him.

But he should be doing half of the caring for all of his children and not leaving it all to you. I'd have told him he can deal with them all one week and you get the week off, then vice versa. I wouldn't have separated the kids out.

My mum used to do this "stopping doing the work for the kids" thing as well from time to time, when she and my dad argued.

My dad had a full time teaching job, and my mum never worked. I can see that she played the only card she felt she had... But it was actually quite traumatising for my sister and I.

We didn't know whether we'd get a packed lunch, or have to quickly make it ourselves, we didn't know whether we should start walking to school (about 3 miles away), or wait for mum to drive us... It was stressful, and caused us both a lot of anxiety.

Things would also spiral quickly, and I remember it all kicking off one time, right before we had to leave for school. Mum refused to drive us, dad had to go to work, and he flipped. He pushed mum up against the stairs and just yelled, "take the damn kids to school!!" I was maybe 11 or 12, and I've never forgotten dads anger, or mums fear in that moment. And I was scared shitless.

PLEASE don't make your care of the children the fall-guys of your failing(?) relationship. I've been there, and it's traumatic AF.

I get where you’re coming from. He is taking advantage. It starts to wear you down when you are taken for granted and have to do it all. He should be making an effort with all of the children. I’m sure you don’t wish to single out dsc after all they are not at fault, but I can see your point. Maybe getting him to pull his weight for all the kids? Now he’s had a taste of how stressful and pressurised it is to organise and sort everything for a family and not just yourself, perhaps he will be willing to pull his weight more. I’m sure you realise refusing to feed or organise for dsc is a wee bit harsh.

Yes @WoeIsMoi but it’s also not the children’s fault that they have a step parent and a lazy dad, hence feeling bad for them, and not feeling that either adult is entirely in the right here. The OP absolutely shouldn’t have to do everything for them, but she also choose to be in their lives and do plenty for them, so suddenly stopping it is probably confusing for them (depending on their age obviously).

@JaffaRaf if dad cares about them he can say he's doing lunches now as he wants to do it as their dad and reassure them if they think it's their fault. Or he can grump. Neither of these is in OP's control.

*But there is less responsibility for her DSC. That's just the truth. Step parents aren't responsible for doing these things for their step.childrem in the same way she is her own children. It doesn't make the step children lesser people. They just have different parents who are ultimately responsible for them.

I never understand why in most cases it's accepted that children have two parents and between them they should be able to manage their children's needs but with step children if they aren't being cared for by every single person in the set up then it must be awful for them. They have a mum and dad like everyone else.*

Well said. Of course it doesn't make them lesser people to have two parents like everybody else. It should never need to be a problem for them because their parents should be automatically tending to their needs.

zingally that does sound very traumatic. Hopefully in OP's scenario dad will not traumatise his own kids by refusing to look after them.

@zingally

My mum used to do this "stopping doing the work for the kids" thing as well from time to time, when she and my dad argued.

My dad had a full time teaching job, and my mum never worked. I can see that she played the only card she felt she had... But it was actually quite traumatising for my sister and I.

We didn't know whether we'd get a packed lunch, or have to quickly make it ourselves, we didn't know whether we should start walking to school (about 3 miles away), or wait for mum to drive us... It was stressful, and caused us both a lot of anxiety.

Things would also spiral quickly, and I remember it all kicking off one time, right before we had to leave for school. Mum refused to drive us, dad had to go to work, and he flipped. He pushed mum up against the stairs and just yelled, "take the damn kids to school!!" I was maybe 11 or 12, and I've never forgotten dads anger, or mums fear in that moment. And I was scared shitless.

PLEASE don't make your care of the children the fall-guys of your failing(?) relationship. I've been there, and it's traumatic AF.

The difference is they were both your parents, they were both responsible for you. The children should never be wondering if they will have a lunch or a lift to school, their dad, and their dad alone, should be sorting that without complaint or issue.

What does he do for his DC with you? I wouldn't just stop doing things for the SDC, I'd be telling him to step up for all of his DCs.

To clarify a couple of things. I do work myself. It's not a case of he does out to a full time teaching job and I'm at home but refusing to care for our kids. I work too, we are both self employed. Him outside of the house and me mainly from home. I do it as flexibly as I can to help with the kids (which has probably limited my earning power but whatever I've always been happy to work as a team until I felt it was completely unappreciated).

He is not employed in the sense that he has to be at work for 9 or he'll be in trouble and in fact one of the things that pisses me off is that he moans about being late when he has to do these things and yet when he wants the day off or wants to go in late for something to do with himself it's absolutely fine because that's the perk of being self employed (but no perks for this sort of stuff it seems).

I was all for working as a team when I felt like he appreciated it. He doesn't and hasn't for a while I feel and I'm sick to death of being guilted into just carrying on when ultimately these are things that he should be doing.

It's even gotten to the point now where if I say I can't do the school run on X day he gets annoyed as if it's my obligation to do it and how could I possibly make him take his own kids to school because I'm not free. Like he expects me to plan my stuff around these responsibilities but he doesn't have to..

And also this has never and would never be said in front of or to the children obviously. They weren't here when this argument happened. As far as they know I'm just busy with work. They are completely normal. They don't seem emotionally scarred because their dad is now taking them to school.

AIBU probably isn't the place to air this, as it simply isn't straightforward and it depends on sooooooooo many factors about both of your work and the ages of his dc and how often they are with you and what the situation was before you had your own dc and what the agreements were about childcare and working round that etc etc etc

@BackforGood

AIBU probably isn't the place to air this, as it simply isn't straightforward and it depends on sooooooooo many factors about both of your work and the ages of his dc and how often they are with you and what the situation was before you had your own dc and what the agreements were about childcare and working round that etc etc etc

Nah, it's perfectly straightforward. Sounds like he's been taking advantage of OP and OP is finally at the end of her tether. It's time for dad to step up and look after HIS kids, not getting arsey with OP because she won't rearrange her day to make his life easier

The only person bringing the children into it is OP’s husband. He had the choice to reflect and say, yes wife, I have relied upon you for too long and will take over the duties that are rightfully mine. He had the choice to do that and actually factor it into his days - instead, he’s decided to stomp around in a huff and make himself late by assuming if he doesn’t do it, OP will pick up the pieces as she always has done.

Well done @TheFrogNGoose for sticking to your guns. There’s only one person dragging the kids into a row and it’s not you!

YANBU- you wouldn't be unreasonable with your own children and you're definitely not with his

Good for you. He's feeling the consequences of his (in)action in making you feel appreciated.

How long has this been going on for, you stepping out of picking up the slack? Is he quite stubborn?

@zingally it sounds like you blame your mum for this? But it sounds to me like your dad was awful, never stepped up and your mum was clearly in a very tricky situation.

OP, I assume this is the tip of the iceberg? I mean, I'm guessing you're also responsible for meal planning and prep, shopping, cleaning, washing etc?

It also sounds like you resent, more than anything, that you have become the default person to deal with this stuff rather than part of a team. Which I completely understand.

Is there any chance you can have this conversation ie "Right, let's plan this week and who is taking kids to school/doing lunches etc" or will that just result in him not doing what he says he will? DH and I have this conversation practically daily as our respective schedules are pretty fluid. It's a bit tedious frankly, but essential.

I reckon loads of men with kids only look for a new girlfriend to dump all the childcare stuff on her. I've seen it happen a lot.

Stand your ground op.

Does he not do stuff to contribute? Ie does he pay more of th bills?

I really think when a marriage hits this low of working to rule and using the children as a weapon it’s game over. The marriage is dead.

So no not unreasonable. But unreasonable for the two of you to stay together when it’s this awful. I guess though it’s only a matter of time.

You ANBU
I bet he is also one of these blokes who spout things like 'I love having my kids here' then buggers off to work/golf/pub

@TheFrogNGoose

So what is your solution then? I don't think he does enough for his kids but I'm also not allowed to stop doing anything for his kids either? How is that ever supposed to change then?

Duhhh you’re a step mum don’t you know you’re meant to treat all exactly children the same whilst never, ever acting like their mother?!

What a fucking awful life for everybody in the ‘family’.
Please just end it for all the kids sake.

@TheFrogNGoose

To clarify a couple of things. I do work myself. It's not a case of he does out to a full time teaching job and I'm at home but refusing to care for our kids. I work too, we are both self employed. Him outside of the house and me mainly from home. I do it as flexibly as I can to help with the kids (which has probably limited my earning power but whatever I've always been happy to work as a team until I felt it was completely unappreciated).

He is not employed in the sense that he has to be at work for 9 or he'll be in trouble and in fact one of the things that pisses me off is that he moans about being late when he has to do these things and yet when he wants the day off or wants to go in late for something to do with himself it's absolutely fine because that's the perk of being self employed (but no perks for this sort of stuff it seems).

I was all for working as a team when I felt like he appreciated it. He doesn't and hasn't for a while I feel and I'm sick to death of being guilted into just carrying on when ultimately these are things that he should be doing.

It's even gotten to the point now where if I say I can't do the school run on X day he gets annoyed as if it's my obligation to do it and how could I possibly make him take his own kids to school because I'm not free. Like he expects me to plan my stuff around these responsibilities but he doesn't have to..

This makes sense OP. I do hope all the critics on here read it carefully; sadly, I suspect many will not 😞

@Bluntness100

Does he not do stuff to contribute? Ie does he pay more of th bills?

I really think when a marriage hits this low of working to rule and using the children as a weapon it’s game over. The marriage is dead.

So no not unreasonable. But unreasonable for the two of you to stay together when it’s this awful. I guess though it’s only a matter of time.

What does it matter whether he pays more of the bills or not? He expects OP to look after his kids, take them to school, feed them - why should she have to when he obviously doesn't give a shite. Earning more money doesn't absolve him from looking after his kids

Yadnbu