I am not a personal chef!

[prettymushrooms]

Back story
I WFH i am the main cook and I do the shopping.
DH self employed works very very long hours - sometimes depending on how big the job won't get home until 10pm.

There is no set arrangement when DSS will come to us, as he's old enough now to make his own arrangements he will just ring up last minute "Im on my way home" and that's the only notice we get. Sometimes if I'm lucky I'll get 24 hours notice. We can't refuse him because his mum sometimes doesn't come home at night, (don't ask - whole other thread needed for that!) so DH isn't happy with him being in the house on his own overnight as he gets scared very easily.

Because of this casual arrangement I have no idea how many people i'm cooking for, DSS has a large appetite so not like I can just give him a bit of mine and a bit of DH's - he would need a big portion. It isn't always things that can be frozen either and I'm reluctant to keep making extra portions on the off chance DSS will want to eat.

He also has allergies (not life threatening, just makes him itchy) so when he does come here if i haven't cooked something he isn't allergic to I then have to cook a whole different meal for him

Sometimes hes already had food when he comes here and isn't hungry, other times hes had food and still wants more when he gets to us, other times he hasn't had anything and I won't know until the last minute - we have our evening meal around 8pm on the nights that DH gets home at a reasonable hour so if DSS eats at 5pm after school he will want another meal at 8pm or depending how big the meal was he might not want much just something small.

DSS cannot cook for himself and in any case our kitchen is really really tiny so 2 people in the kitchen cooking at the same time would not work so it's always left up to me to sort. If he is at his mums he just orders takeway.

Three nights ago he had told us the day before he was coming to us and would be having food with us - great - i can then plan.
So i cooked enough for all three of us, ensured it wasn't anything DSS was allergic to, then he rocked up as i was plating up and casually said oh yeah i'm not hungry I had KFC with my mates half an hour ago...

DH doesn't think its a big deal and just says its fine, ill just eat his portion but its really not the point IMO! I think it's really disrespectful towards me as I'm the one worrying about what to buy, what to cook, having something quick in the freezer that i can just throw in the oven if he turns up.
DH doesn't worry because he doesn't have to plan, cook, go shopping and thinks i'm massively over reacting about something so petty.

AIBU to insist either he eats with us or he eats at his mums and to let me know which one within plenty of time??
He's a very sensitive soul so bringing this up usually leads to floods of tears that its not his fault he was hungry so he already ate etc - of course i'm not saying he shouldn't eat if he's hungry but to at least let me know??

What's wrong with beans on toast?

Scrambled egg on toast, poached or fried egg on toast, omlette, super-noodles with a few leaves and seeds, microwave-baked potato (yes, not the most delicious way but so easy), toasted sandwich.

None of this needs to be kept in the freezer.

If you do have space for a bag of frozen peas and a pack of fishfingers in your little freezer, all the better.

@CJsGoldfish

This seems to be such a non issue really, not sure why it has to be such a drama. If the freezer is too small to keep a few ready meals or leftover meals on hand at all times, I'd look to getting a bigger one. That just seems ridiculous. My expectations in my home are clear. I am more than happy to cook but I won't waste my time making extra if you're not going to be here and it won't keep. Therefore I expect to be told who will be home for dinner. In your situation OP, I don't see it as a big deal to cook an extra portion and pop it in the fridge if he doesn't show up if he is regularly there and you know it's likely it will be eaten over the next couple of days Extra always on hand in the freezer for anyone who needs it. Kids are always welcome to help themselves to a meal or cook something they fancy. If they don't know how, they soon learn. Not sure what the 'tiny kitchen, won't work' scenario is about.

It needn't be a big deal.

I can't just buy another freezer, where is it going to go? There is no free space at all in my house whatsoever and i don't have the money to just go out and buy another freezer when i have a perfectly functioning one in the house already.

As for cooking an extra portion - half the time i'm already halfway through cooking the meal for me and DH when i get told he is coming home - if its something he is "allergic" to then i cant very well just cook an extra portion and put it in the freezer for him.
By that logic i will only ever be cooking things that DSS can eat and never cooking the things DH and I like just incase he is going to want something to eat if he comes home.

@me4real

If he's on his own in the evening at his mum's then I think he will be fixing himself a bite to eat then *@prettymushrooms* - or does he have no food at all every evening he's there? I think not.

He's taking you for granted and spoilt by this arrangement.

How about a kind of compromise- he will have to let you know before Xpm that he's coming- on days that he doesn't do this he'll have to fix a bite to eat for himself like he probably does at his mum's sometimes.

oh yes he eats the minute he gets to his mums but its never cooked its always takeaway and then crisps, chocolate, cans of coke - lots of snacks basically.

So either he comes to us wanting another meal or he wants a small amount or he doesn't want anything at all - all depending on what he has eaten at his mothers - hence why it's so difficult for me to plan as i never know how hungry he will be if at all.

So you are cooking an "allergic" meal, he can get himself beans on toast once you are out of the kitchen.
I have a semi detached twenty year old: they are welcome to share common meals if I know they are to be there. but we talk about when they will be in for tea. If they pop in unexpectedly they can come into the kitchen when I'm done in there and sort themselves out.
Now it's nicer to fuss over a fifteen year old who lives between two homes and yes if you can add something to make a particular meal work why wouldn't you. But if he's allergic, that's simply not possible. Don't stress, it's not being mean to not be a martyr.

Your freezer isn't perfectly functioning, it is too small for your needs. You can buy fridges with bigger freezer space.

I can see why it pisses you off - it would me too. But given what you've said I think you need to just find the best possible way of mitigating the situation and deal with what you can't fix. He'd annoy the crap out of me, but I also feel for the kid based on what you've said!

Keep the catering to the most basic and space-efficient. I'm assuming you have bread in as standard, do it's beans on toast (and/or cheese? if you would generally have that in the fridge?) Can you manage a bag of frozen jacket spuds in the freezer? And that's it. You don't tell me you're coming - it's toast or spud. If you give me enough notice - I'll include you. If the portion you make for him doesn't get eaten, I'd give it to DH next day and cook something delicious for myself (see if that helps him see the problem!) And any sad little "oh what you're having looks nice" I'd respond with intense sympathy and say "oh dear, you could have had it too if I'd known you were coming!" I You can be 'nice' about it, while still making it clear that it's a consequence of his failure to give you notice.

I think that would be my general strategy: absolute minimum catering, very polite facade, don't bend over backwards and stay firm.

She doesn't need to buy a bigger freezer just because her 15yo DSS can't be arsed to boil an egg!

Or even to learn how to boil an egg. (I think I know what book to get him for Christmas!).

@Bryonyshcmyony

Your freezer isn't perfectly functioning, it is too small for your needs. You can buy fridges with bigger freezer space.

You can also buy houses with bigger space but we don't have the money for either right now so it's not really a relevant point.

OK well you are going to have to workaround then. Having store cupboard things he likes as others have suggested or just buy him a takeaway if it's causing so much grief 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Bryonyshcmyony

OK well you are going to have to workaround then. Having store cupboard things he likes as others have suggested or just buy him a takeaway if it's causing so much grief 🤷🏼‍♀️

yes that's what i'm going to have to do, keep a few super noodles, dried pasta etc.

I definitely won't be buying him a takeaway every time!

@Graphista

It's far better to start these things early with kids and let them start slow and simple and build both their skills and their confidence as they grow.

Dd started off turning the oven on, putting the oven chips and nuggets on the tray, emptying baked beans into the pan and occasionally stirring. She felt trusted and grown up this was at a fairly young age maybe 9/10 Ish? We did a fair bit over the summer before she started high school cooking wise which was partly as a confidence boost as she was dx with her disability then and that knocked her sideways so she needed a boost.

I also feel kinda sad for his parents missing out on the reward and pleasure of teaching their child these skills. I can't describe how proud I was the first time dd made a batch of fairy buns completely alone (kept an eye from a distance) and she was beaming! That's a lovely moment to share as parent and child, these are the moments that bond you.

I'm guessing from what you say of Dhs work he may be a tradesman - has he taught his ds any of those skills?

I have fond memories of dad teaching us to fix bike punctures, how to change a fuse in a plug, then later how to change oil in a car and how a car should work, identifying and fixing minor faults etc - big plus mechanics can't rip me off cos I known when they're talking shite!

Totally this. And as you said in your previous post, it’s not kind to let teens stay so dependent. Children and teens benefit from having expectations on them that they are capable of meeting, IME.

There are so many simple things he could make that don’t involve cheque cancelling, I mean freezer space :o - maybe in a non fraught moment he could be asked for a list of things he does/can eat that can be kept in for him, especially non perishable stuff like noodles and tuna etc.

The teens not giving notice and changing plans last minute is pretty normal IME although annoying, but it’s his house too and so to me that means he should be allowed just as much freedom in the kitchen as a teen who lived there full time, but equally he should have the responsibility for himself, because he’s a resident, not a guest. My newly 14yo is a nightmare for changing plans (TBF probably could be worse but being autistic I struggle with the sudden change) but if she’s said she will be at a friend’s for dinner and then turns up last minute she wouldn’t expect us to magic up an extra portion that we didn’t know she would need. Or if she brings a friend unexpectedly and it’s too late to cook extra then they just take over the kitchen once we are done and make themselves pasta etc.

She started off making herself things like toasties and super noodles, then pasta and eggs, more recently she wanted to eat more healthily so asked us to show her how to cook chicken safely so she could do that with stir fried veg or salad. Took all of 15min to show her and that’s another life skill she will always have. She’s autistic too and has learning difficulties but to me that makes it even more important that she learns this stuff to gain confidence.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the stepmum teaching him, just because it is traditionally a parent’s job doesn’t mean she can’t step in. But DH needs to grow up and model life skills/self improvement by learning to use the internet and crucially by not pandering to stroppy tantrums over DSS having to do something for himself.

I agree no takeaway. Sometimes my eldest has angled for that - TBH I feel like it too when I can’t be arsed or had a bad day! But unless he’s going to pay for it himself it’s just encouraging him to be helpless - rewarding him for not being able or willing to cook, ever.

@Bryonyshcmyony

OK well you are going to have to workaround then. Having store cupboard things he likes as others have suggested or just buy him a takeaway if it's causing so much grief 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeah, nah. The Op doesn''t "have to" do anything, because a) he's not her problem and b) the kid needs to learn some self-sufficiency. Pandering to his crybaby get-out-of-jail-free behaviour is NOT decent parenting and needs to be put paid to - his father needs to step up and tell him he needs to learn how to feed himself, and that he needs to show some responsibility and bloody manners if he wants a meal! How hard is it, really to text on is way over "Hi, on my way, starving, can I eat at yours please?" or "Hi, on my way, already had KFC, no meal tonight thanks"

It's not hard, is it.

Can't cook extra and keep in fridge, can't have frozen ready meals, won't buy a takeaway, don't want to share kitchen to teach him to cook, don't want to show him how to make anything

OK then.

@Bryonyshcmyony

Can't cook extra and keep in fridge, can't have frozen ready meals, won't buy a takeaway, don't want to share kitchen to teach him to cook, don't want to show him how to make anything

OK then.

what on earth are you talking about?? Are you being antagonistic on purpose? RTFT I have already stated I have tried to show him how to cook and he isn't interested

No i can't cook and keep extra in the fridge because i will constantly be cooking meals that he isn't allergic to - even on the nights he doesn't show up i will constantly be cooking an extra portion of things he can eat just incase and then constantly eating leftovers.

Where is this money to buy takeaways coming from?

OP didnt say she didnt want to show him but why sho9ld she be the one to do it

My own teen can be a bit random with meal times. Iv batch cooked a load of meals like curry and rice, chilli, bolognese. They are all in freezer in one serving plastic tubs so he can throw them in microwave when he is hungry. Saves hassle all round

There's always pasta and pesto (or jar sauce of choice).

You don’t need a freezer full of ready meals.
You need ONE meal.
I always have one ready meal lasagne (shoot me for the salt!) and a packet of frozen peas in my freezer - it’s an emergency meal that my 13yo always says yes to.

That’s what I’d do - have ONE MEAL in your freezer. Any time he rocks up zero notice, that’s what he gets. Remind him if he rocks up with no notice again before shopping day, it’s beans on toast (if that’s stuff you usually have?) or - he’s going to be sent to the shop himself. If that makes him cry, let him cry.

Arriving after giving notice but not hungry is another issue. It’s rude, but it’s very teen. If it’s not too often, I’d suck it up and put the leftovers of the meal into the fridge for your husband (or you if you want them) next day.

Don’t bend over backwards, don’t get hung up on a stash of freezer food. You only ever need ONE meal.

Another meal I can always produce that takes up almost no freezer space: bake up and freeze a single jacket potato. Always have a ton of beans in the cupboard. Doesn’t matter what you’re eating - that’s what he gets.

I really doubt your kitchen is smaller than mine, and I can fit those things!

@lottiegarbanzo

There's always pasta and pesto (or jar sauce of choice).

Yep. Another non feeezer meal that we always have in.

There's always pasta and pesto (or jar sauce of choice)

Yes, or beans on toast etc

Or cheese and crackers

I think you can also buy long life ready meals that don't have to be refrigerated

OP I suggest you make this as easy for yourself as possible. Explain to DSS that, if you know he's coming, you'll be happy to cater for him. Otherwise, he's welcome to come over and he'll never starve, but his options will be more limited ie whatever's in the cupboards

Long life meals is another good suggestion: one bag microwave rice, one bag microwave chickpea curry - I mention that as my Co-op does a delicious one, so I’m not suggesting giving him something shit.

And I’d made him do them himself. Through his tears 🙄

I do have one or two things he can eat if he does turn up unexpected but then i get the sad "oh i really like the look of what you and dad are having" and then i sound spiteful by saying tough, you should have let me know.
This is mind boggling, I wouldn’t consider this spiteful to say to my own child. It’s just the facts. You weren’t going to be here. Now you are and you didn’t tell me. So there isn’t enough dinner for you. I’d respond cheerfully ‘You’ll just have to learn to cook’ and not spare it a second thought.

I would tell your husband to have a word with his son and ask him fir suggestions as to what he would like to eat when he turns up unexpectedly. He should tell him it will have to be something simple like omelette or a cheese toastie ( worth buying a machine if you don't own one)or pasta with sauce.
It's a pain in the arse deciding what to eat for dinner every night without your added complications.
I would also tell husband that he needs to show his son how to cook these simple meals. Husband is getting off far too easy and needs to take more responsibility for his son.

No OP I'm not trying to be antagonistic but tbh I'm not sure what you want from this thread as you've had loads of practical advice. Hopefully you can find a way that works for all of you.