I am not a personal chef!

[prettymushrooms]

Back story
I WFH i am the main cook and I do the shopping.
DH self employed works very very long hours - sometimes depending on how big the job won't get home until 10pm.

There is no set arrangement when DSS will come to us, as he's old enough now to make his own arrangements he will just ring up last minute "Im on my way home" and that's the only notice we get. Sometimes if I'm lucky I'll get 24 hours notice. We can't refuse him because his mum sometimes doesn't come home at night, (don't ask - whole other thread needed for that!) so DH isn't happy with him being in the house on his own overnight as he gets scared very easily.

Because of this casual arrangement I have no idea how many people i'm cooking for, DSS has a large appetite so not like I can just give him a bit of mine and a bit of DH's - he would need a big portion. It isn't always things that can be frozen either and I'm reluctant to keep making extra portions on the off chance DSS will want to eat.

He also has allergies (not life threatening, just makes him itchy) so when he does come here if i haven't cooked something he isn't allergic to I then have to cook a whole different meal for him

Sometimes hes already had food when he comes here and isn't hungry, other times hes had food and still wants more when he gets to us, other times he hasn't had anything and I won't know until the last minute - we have our evening meal around 8pm on the nights that DH gets home at a reasonable hour so if DSS eats at 5pm after school he will want another meal at 8pm or depending how big the meal was he might not want much just something small.

DSS cannot cook for himself and in any case our kitchen is really really tiny so 2 people in the kitchen cooking at the same time would not work so it's always left up to me to sort. If he is at his mums he just orders takeway.

Three nights ago he had told us the day before he was coming to us and would be having food with us - great - i can then plan.
So i cooked enough for all three of us, ensured it wasn't anything DSS was allergic to, then he rocked up as i was plating up and casually said oh yeah i'm not hungry I had KFC with my mates half an hour ago...

DH doesn't think its a big deal and just says its fine, ill just eat his portion but its really not the point IMO! I think it's really disrespectful towards me as I'm the one worrying about what to buy, what to cook, having something quick in the freezer that i can just throw in the oven if he turns up.
DH doesn't worry because he doesn't have to plan, cook, go shopping and thinks i'm massively over reacting about something so petty.

AIBU to insist either he eats with us or he eats at his mums and to let me know which one within plenty of time??
He's a very sensitive soul so bringing this up usually leads to floods of tears that its not his fault he was hungry so he already ate etc - of course i'm not saying he shouldn't eat if he's hungry but to at least let me know??

Yeah why not? She's his step parent what's the problem?
Why would you not want to?

Because he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to learn, so it’s going to be a battle isn’t it? He has 2 parents, why don’t they want to do it?

The OP says she has already tried to show him how to cook but he's not interested, will go watch TV and prefers her to do it

Well then he will be hungry. My DSD’s are 8 and 11, if they want something different to the rest of the family they have to make it themselves, they understand this and are capable of doing this as we explained this to them and taught them to cook a few simple dishes which they have built up over the years. Although they pretty much ask to cook every time now because they enjoy it!

He is 15, that is old enough to be told if he turns up unannounced he has to feed himself, give him the opportunity to cook with supervision initially and then he will get there, if not he will have to have cereal or toast if that’s all he can make.

You are enabling a helplessness in both your DSS and your DH who really needs to learn to use the internet. This is not good for any of you

Well yes I agree but if she chases it up he cries and has a 'meltdown'. She is being given the responsibility to care for him but not the authority to do things the way she sees fit. Her husband says it's 'no big deal'.

Fucking hell. What a load of spoilt drama queens on this thread

Well, aren't you just a delight, @Bryonyshcmyony

Cook 3 portions? I don't get the problem here.

If your SS doesn't eat put it in the fridge for lunch next day! If you get another leftover the same night and didn't eat the previous left over for lunch then on the 3rd day you dont need to cook as there's enough leftovers for both you and your husband.

OP if you're the one doing the cooking for the family then you get to make the rules. Not up to DH to make the rules/say it's ok if he's not doing the work.

Anyone can make Pot Noodles, heat up a pizza or make a baked potato.

We always run for leftovers.
We are a family of 4/5 and I rarely know how many there will be for dinner.
I always cook more than I need and leftovers are always used. I eat for lunch the next day, OH takes them to work for lunch, they get frozen and used for a quick meal or lunch at some later point.
Having a flexible approach to quantities makes things much easier- and there is always food available easily for anyone who needs it.
I always over cook and food is never wasted.

OP you have a DSS who doesn’t know how to use and oven and a DH who doesn’t know how to use the Internet (?!) - you are a victim of strategic incompetence. Very common in menfolk it would seem.

As for the teen, honestly teens are pretty self centred. As PP suggested I would have a rule that if he wants to eat dinner with you, you need X amount of notice. Otherwise, he gets pizza/freezer meal/takeaway. If he gets upset you just say that you can’t always make enough for him just on the off chance he shows up but if he lets you know you will gladly.

As for saying he will then have eaten elsewhere - meh, I think you’ll just have to write that off a very typical teen behaviour.

@speakout

We always run for leftovers. We are a family of 4/5 and I rarely know how many there will be for dinner. I always cook more than I need and leftovers are always used. I eat for lunch the next day, OH takes them to work for lunch, they get frozen and used for a quick meal or lunch at some later point. Having a flexible approach to quantities makes things much easier- and there is always food available easily for anyone who needs it. I always over cook and food is never wasted.

Same here. If you are used to cooking for a big family of teens then some of the replies here seem bonkers.

@prettymushrooms

sorry i thought i'd mentioned that, he's 15 so not a little kid! he can't cook because he doesn't know how I have tried involving him in cooking before but he's not interested he'd rather go watch TV

Well there's your problem. He's lazy and you enable him. If he turns up hungry tell him to go boil some eggs for sandwiches or make beans on toast or warm some soup or noodles etc. Once he can manage that he can move on to propper meals.

It isn't your fault that neither parent seems to be doing any parenting and you have fallen into the defectors parent role where you have responsibility for dss but can't discipline him as a parent would. Step parents really do get the short end of the straw in this respect. If he doesn't eat because he has already eaten freeze his portion. If he comes at dinner time and there isn't enough then your oh gives him his portion and makes himself something else or he says go help yourself to something else. At this point your dss will either do so or won't and that is for his dad to deal with not you. I know you mentioned having a tiny freezer, is there any scope to get a chest freezer and put elsewhere?

As for the Internet usage I took your posts to mean that your oh can't navigate the Internet not your dss as other posters think? Is that right? I can't imagine any 15 year old today not being able to access the Internet unless they have significant learning difficulties.

You seem not to be able to realise that your oh is leaving a lot of the parenting of his child down to you when it is his responsibility to do so. What if oh didn't finish work till 10pm and you have a gym class at 7pm and your dss turns up, do you just not go? It is your home as much as the dss's so some notice should be given. Even my own mum would ask me in advance if I was going to be home for dinner as if not she would make something I didn't like.

At 15 he does need to learn some life skills and it seems you have tried but he is not interested and in your role you can't put your foot down and insist. I would mention it to your oh and see whether he takes it on board. Otherwise maybe some actual stepparents would be able to give you advice, especially if they have been in a similar position. When the only person who gives a toss is a step parent it is rather sad.

*defacto not defacters

@Fupoffyagrasshole

Omg calm down it’s so not a big deal! Have some freezer food in or frozen portions of dinners he can take out and defrost - teach him how to use a bloody microwave to heat up

I can’t think of much food that you can’t have leftovers of to be honest so you are being over dramatic
If you make too much and he doesn’t want it then can’t your husband or yourself just have it for lunch tomorrow 😂

did you not read the part about me having a very small freezer??

I can think of lots of things that I regularly cook that I wouldn't want to freeze for leftovers - cooked vegetables like broccoli and cauliflower, cabbage, pasta, rice, (cooked obviously) eggs, salad

Get his dad to cook and batch cook meals for him when he's home and freeze them as you are not to going to cook for his son to leave food and you are not going to cook extra at short notice either when he should be giving you adequate notice.

shop and batch cook

Thanks to all your replies, there is a definitely an element of too much coddling going on, I have often brought up the subject about what he will do once he leaves school - he's apparently not interested in going to uni so it concerns me how he will cope in employment if he can't do something simple like putting an oven on and has a meltdown when asked not to do something.

I think i definitely need to be stronger and go with your suggestions of telling him he can help himself to something frozen and i will help instruct him on how to cook it.

He's not got a gluten allergy he's just randomly allergic to certain foods - his mother apparently had a test done although we've never actually seen the results just given a list of foods he couldn't have.
I'm wondering if this list is just things he doesn't like

@prettymushrooms

sorry i thought i'd mentioned that, he's 15 so not a little kid! he can't cook because he doesn't know how I have tried involving him in cooking before but he's not interested he'd rather go watch TV

If he isn't interested in learning how to cook his own dinner, then perhaps he needs to go hungry instead. When he wants something to eat, show him how to do it. If he refuses to co-operate, then he will have to go without. "What did your last servant die of?" is a phrase that springs to mind.

He's 15, plenty old enough to discover how easy it is to operate a domestic appliance.

@Bryonyshcmyony

I'm not sure why he has to tell you when he's coming over either. His dad lives there which makes it his home. I do think you could show him how to cook something but he's an immature 15, not 18. Cut him some slack.

He doesn't have to tell me - but it would be nice if he at least told his dad who could then tell me to either expect him or not expect him or should I just carry on cooking for 2 of us and never include DSS because "I don't need to know hes coming home"?

@prettymushrooms

According to some posters you should be cooking three meals a night in case just he shows his face!

@prettymushrooms

Thanks to all your replies, there is a definitely an element of too much coddling going on, I have often brought up the subject about what he will do once he leaves school - he's apparently not interested in going to uni so it concerns me how he will cope in employment if he can't do something simple like putting an oven on and has a meltdown when asked not to do something.

I think i definitely need to be stronger and go with your suggestions of telling him he can help himself to something frozen and i will help instruct him on how to cook it.

He's not got a gluten allergy he's just randomly allergic to certain foods - his mother apparently had a test done although we've never actually seen the results just given a list of foods he couldn't have.
I'm wondering if this list is just things he doesn't like

He's not having a meltdown, he's having a tantrum.

Like you, I'm slightly suspicious of these allergies. Randomly allergic to certain foods my foot.

@Lora918

Cook 3 portions? I don't get the problem here.

If your SS doesn't eat put it in the fridge for lunch next day! If you get another leftover the same night and didn't eat the previous left over for lunch then on the 3rd day you dont need to cook as there's enough leftovers for both you and your husband.

So OP should just have to live on leftovers to save a 15 year old from having to send a quick text to say he's coming for dinner? Madness!

He can just let her know or his dad can teach him how to make a sandwich. He's not a little baby!

@Naunet

Yep. I wonder if they'd have the same attitude towards a teenage girl who claims to not know how to use an oven and threatens meltdowns when asked to feed herself?

Ditto if she had a mum who claimed she couldn't use the internet to help provide the things her daughter needs, yet is too busy to take time off work to physically provide them either

Absolutely this. He’s being raised to believe women exist to skivvy for him and deserve no respect. Don’t we have enough men like that already?

But he's not is he because his own mother can't be arsed leaving a meal or teaching him to make his own when she isn't home at night. Just get a takeout? Hardly being a skivvy that is it? The op said the boys mother not being in at night is a whole other thread so she barely sounds like a doting mum

@Sceptre86

It isn't your fault that neither parent seems to be doing any parenting and you have fallen into the defectors parent role where you have responsibility for dss but can't discipline him as a parent would. Step parents really do get the short end of the straw in this respect. If he doesn't eat because he has already eaten freeze his portion. If he comes at dinner time and there isn't enough then your oh gives him his portion and makes himself something else or he says go help yourself to something else. At this point your dss will either do so or won't and that is for his dad to deal with not you. I know you mentioned having a tiny freezer, is there any scope to get a chest freezer and put elsewhere?

As for the Internet usage I took your posts to mean that your oh can't navigate the Internet not your dss as other posters think? Is that right? I can't imagine any 15 year old today not being able to access the Internet unless they have significant learning difficulties.

You seem not to be able to realise that your oh is leaving a lot of the parenting of his child down to you when it is his responsibility to do so. What if oh didn't finish work till 10pm and you have a gym class at 7pm and your dss turns up, do you just not go? It is your home as much as the dss's so some notice should be given. Even my own mum would ask me in advance if I was going to be home for dinner as if not she would make something I didn't like.

At 15 he does need to learn some life skills and it seems you have tried but he is not interested and in your role you can't put your foot down and insist. I would mention it to your oh and see whether he takes it on board. Otherwise maybe some actual stepparents would be able to give you advice, especially if they have been in a similar position. When the only person who gives a toss is a step parent it is rather sad.

Yes this is exactly the problem - i have responsibility but not allowed to discipline...

Sadly no room for a chest freezer and no outside space for a shed to put one in either - we will eventually be moving once our house is finished but funds are tight right now - which is why it annoys me even more as some food cant be refrozen so im wasting money by throwing food out.

Yes my DH is the one that can't access the internet - he didn't grow up with the internet or computers and when everyone was into smart phones and internet he just wasn't. He doesn't even have an email address and refuses to let me set him up one for his business! he gets plenty of work via word of mouth so he;s not too bothered.

If DSS turned up and i was out he would just stay in the house on his own i don't need to be here, but if he needed collecting from somewhere and DH couldn't get there and i wasn't busy then i would go get him, but if i wasn't home or out with friends then obviously its not my problem.
Its only overnight that DSS doesn't like being alone but days/evenings/weekends he is fine.

He is lacking a severe amount of skills - being with his mum for the majortiy of the time has taught him some seriously bad habits which DH has managed to mostly nip in the bud but I'm concerned some poor woman in 10/20 years time is going to be posting on here complaining about her bone idle boyfriend!

You're right. You're not his personal chef but are being treated like one. Don't cook for him. You only need to do that a couple of times and then he'll remember to let you know or learn how to turn the oven on to do a pizza!