I am not a personal chef!

[prettymushrooms]

Back story
I WFH i am the main cook and I do the shopping.
DH self employed works very very long hours - sometimes depending on how big the job won't get home until 10pm.

There is no set arrangement when DSS will come to us, as he's old enough now to make his own arrangements he will just ring up last minute "Im on my way home" and that's the only notice we get. Sometimes if I'm lucky I'll get 24 hours notice. We can't refuse him because his mum sometimes doesn't come home at night, (don't ask - whole other thread needed for that!) so DH isn't happy with him being in the house on his own overnight as he gets scared very easily.

Because of this casual arrangement I have no idea how many people i'm cooking for, DSS has a large appetite so not like I can just give him a bit of mine and a bit of DH's - he would need a big portion. It isn't always things that can be frozen either and I'm reluctant to keep making extra portions on the off chance DSS will want to eat.

He also has allergies (not life threatening, just makes him itchy) so when he does come here if i haven't cooked something he isn't allergic to I then have to cook a whole different meal for him

Sometimes hes already had food when he comes here and isn't hungry, other times hes had food and still wants more when he gets to us, other times he hasn't had anything and I won't know until the last minute - we have our evening meal around 8pm on the nights that DH gets home at a reasonable hour so if DSS eats at 5pm after school he will want another meal at 8pm or depending how big the meal was he might not want much just something small.

DSS cannot cook for himself and in any case our kitchen is really really tiny so 2 people in the kitchen cooking at the same time would not work so it's always left up to me to sort. If he is at his mums he just orders takeway.

Three nights ago he had told us the day before he was coming to us and would be having food with us - great - i can then plan.
So i cooked enough for all three of us, ensured it wasn't anything DSS was allergic to, then he rocked up as i was plating up and casually said oh yeah i'm not hungry I had KFC with my mates half an hour ago...

DH doesn't think its a big deal and just says its fine, ill just eat his portion but its really not the point IMO! I think it's really disrespectful towards me as I'm the one worrying about what to buy, what to cook, having something quick in the freezer that i can just throw in the oven if he turns up.
DH doesn't worry because he doesn't have to plan, cook, go shopping and thinks i'm massively over reacting about something so petty.

AIBU to insist either he eats with us or he eats at his mums and to let me know which one within plenty of time??
He's a very sensitive soul so bringing this up usually leads to floods of tears that its not his fault he was hungry so he already ate etc - of course i'm not saying he shouldn't eat if he's hungry but to at least let me know??

My 75 year old dad didnt grow up with the internet either but he can use the internet its really not that difficult

It just sounds like youre n the position of well you have to do everything i cant and you just go along with it

I've been in that position where a DSC cries because you've asked them to do something perfectly reasonable that they don't want to do.

My EXDSS was 11 when I first asked him to wash up the single plate he'd just eaten off. I'd first asked him to take his plate to the kitchen, then wash it, and he had no idea how. I'd started showing him, then next thing I knew he'd burst into tears. I told him to go and sit down and explained what had happened to my EXDP, who said he'd start teaching him (he never bothered though).

I then had EXDP's EXDW calling him ranting asking why he was being made to wash up after the whole family EXDP told her he'd have a word with me, and then did. EXDSS never washed another plate (or in fact did anything for himself) for the rest of the year I was with my EXDP (relationship was 7 years long).

OP you have a DH problem, and he needs to take the lead in teaching his DS basic life skills. You should take a step back from pandering to the both of them.

Cook enough for the you and your DH, unless your DSS gives you decent notice. If he puts on his sad face, give your DH's portion to him, and hopefully they'll both get the message soon.

Good luck!

I'd let him cry, frankly. You're not being harsh, and he needs to toughen up enough that he can be asked for basic consideration. If he can't give you advance warning that he's expecting to be fed, he'll have to take what's available, even if it's something boring, like a sandwich or whatever else you can keep on hand for him. If your partner is bothered, he can give up his own portion, as Starseeking suggests.

And yes, he needs to learn how to heat things for himself, and your partner needs to learn how to use the Internet. Those are both crucial life skills.

My oldest is 13 now and I've learned that there's an element of going with the flow somewhat with things like mealtimes and teenagers. Just tonight I was marinading some chicken to make wraps for supper and he suddenly asked for KFC as a treat. My husband popped out for it and the chicken just gets extra marinading for tomorrow - it will probably taste better anyway. Go with the flow and keep your cupboards and freezer stocked up so that you've always got something available and can avoid any awkward dramas about meals that might take the edge off his visit.

Just buy a load of shit he can help himself to in the freezer, job done. You buy all his favourite snacks. At 15 he can help himself. It’s not your job to make sure it’s all balanced nutrition- it’s his mum/dad/his. A 15 year old can use an oven/hob.

If he is gluten intolerant/allergic then what is he eating at KFC? Isn't all of the chicken dipped in spiced flour or batter before frying?

If he's on his own in the evening at his mum's then I think he will be fixing himself a bite to eat then @prettymushrooms - or does he have no food at all every evening he's there? I think not.

He's taking you for granted and spoilt by this arrangement.

How about a kind of compromise- he will have to let you know before Xpm that he's coming- on days that he doesn't do this he'll have to fix a bite to eat for himself like he probably does at his mum's sometimes.

This seems to be such a non issue really, not sure why it has to be such a drama.
If the freezer is too small to keep a few ready meals or leftover meals on hand at all times, I'd look to getting a bigger one. That just seems ridiculous.
My expectations in my home are clear. I am more than happy to cook but I won't waste my time making extra if you're not going to be here and it won't keep. Therefore I expect to be told who will be home for dinner. In your situation OP, I don't see it as a big deal to cook an extra portion and pop it in the fridge if he doesn't show up if he is regularly there and you know it's likely it will be eaten over the next couple of days
Extra always on hand in the freezer for anyone who needs it.
Kids are always welcome to help themselves to a meal or cook something they fancy. If they don't know how, they soon learn. Not sure what the 'tiny kitchen, won't work' scenario is about.

It needn't be a big deal.

As pp said could he not get take out?

Or; pasta, jar of tomato sauce, put bacon in to make it more interesting.

You don't need to teach him cooking but you could show him some basic stuff like boil pasta, put pizza in oven.

Then say, if you let me know in advance I can cook for you, otherwise you're welcome to help yourself to this stuff which doesn't need much preparation.

"Bloody well cook for him!"

Ah - you're THAT sort of parent. The one that turns out feckless manchildren who can't lift a finger for themselves while there's some sap of a woman around to do it for him.

And you have the gall to think you're "nice"? Nah, you're incapacitating your child, that's what you're doing. Good work.

Op you mention money is tight do you have cooking extra because it may end up in bin. I don't get this. You work from home. Surely you have lunch????! Eat the extra leftover portion if DS doesn't eat. You're making an issue out of nothing.

We are a family of 3. I always cook for 4. Most food doesn't go off for 3 days. Nothing is binned! We have the leftovers for lunch next day and if we have to much left overs than we have it for dinner

I'd always keep a pizza in the freezer and if he turns up and wants to join you for dinner then just stick that in the oven. If he wants what you're having then you could all have a smaller portion of the main meal and supplement it with some pizza slices.

Surely surely he should be able to use an oven or saucepan/frying pan etc.someone should teach him a few basic things at his age. It does not bode well for the future if he cannot feed himself.

@prettymushrooms, I agree with few of PPs that if your DSS comes in unexpected, just give him your husband's portion. After all it's your husband who said you're overreacting.

It's not your place to parent the boy, so this will move consequences of his actions from you to your husband. Meanwhile your DSS will always feel welcome.

What @Kinsters, @1forAll74 and @Rmka said.
This shouldn't be so complicated.
It's time your step son learns some basic life skills and your husband starts parenting.

You are being a martyr here. If he's old enough to go to KFC with his mates he is old enough to make himself a sandwich or heat himself a pizza or boil some eggs. Or if you feel that might make him feel unwanted or provoke a meltdown you can do those things for him or his dad can.

And this is totally normal teen behaviour. You might not have done it but a lot of kids do. And not just kids. My 26 yo is living with us for 2 months. She is normally a very responsible adult and an excellent cook but as she walks through our door she reverts to a child 'Mum, what's for dinner?' To which my stock response is 'I don't know - what's in the fridge?"

• Have frozen portions of stuff he can eat.

• He needs to learn basic respect and communication. If he's arranged to eat with you, he turns up and eats with you. Or phones in good time (2-3 hours ahead).

• He needs to learn to cook simple things. We'd all rather be watching telly!

Stop tiptoeing so much. It's because you pander that he expects to be pandered to. He won't learn manners or competence while people are treating hims like a little prince.

OK, if no freezer space, tin of beans + bread = instant simple supper. Eggs + butter + bread = instant simple supper. Pack of noodles + a few bits of veg, bottle of soy sauce = instant simple supper.

Tell him you've eaten but you can help him make something. Make sure he does it, you advise. Same with the washing machine.

This kid is being actively disabled by his own parents.

This is basic toddler stuff. You have to set the rules, stick to the rules and ride out the tantrums. Teenagers, more than toddlers, crave boundaries. They need them to feel safe and cared for.

...So I would see his tantrums as a plea to be parented.

@Greenrubber

Why don't you have a meal in the freezer as like a standby that you know he likes? So if he comes you always have something ready and you don't need to worry about anything

This.

This 'have you thought of having a meal in the freezer' has become the new 'cancel the cheque'.

He can be taught to use and oven and a microwave. Stash of allergen free micro meals. If he doesn't give you 24 hours notice he gets that. No wastage if he turns up and has eaten with mates.

You cannot be expected to waste food continuously and also eat allergen free when you don't need to.

I got fed up of not knowing who would be in/out/eating when my kids were teens. I also don't have a lot of freezer space so bought items for store-cupboard meals and snacks (bean chilli, chick pea curry, noodles etc). I cooked for them when they were here or if explicitly asked. I planned at least a couple of store cupboard meals a week that could be made at the drop of a hat without disrupting meal plans and if I didn't have enough notice to work around them, they fended for themselves.

The teens moaned they preferred fresh food - I told them I'd be happy to organise if they confirmed when they would be eating at the time of the weekly shop and pointed out they benefitted as they had freedom to change plans without having to face irritated parents.

It worked for us and now they're great cooks who regularly cook lovely fancy food for me

@BarbaraofSeville

This 'have you thought of having a meal in the freezer' has become the new 'cancel the cheque'.

OP needs a bigger freezer and to let him use the kitchen otherwise she's just not going to solve this issue. The reason people keep mentioning it is because it's ridiculous not to do either. Get rid of a bag of frozen veg and put two frozen meals in there instead otherwise this issue will never be resolved.