I am not a personal chef!

[prettymushrooms]

Back story
I WFH i am the main cook and I do the shopping.
DH self employed works very very long hours - sometimes depending on how big the job won't get home until 10pm.

There is no set arrangement when DSS will come to us, as he's old enough now to make his own arrangements he will just ring up last minute "Im on my way home" and that's the only notice we get. Sometimes if I'm lucky I'll get 24 hours notice. We can't refuse him because his mum sometimes doesn't come home at night, (don't ask - whole other thread needed for that!) so DH isn't happy with him being in the house on his own overnight as he gets scared very easily.

Because of this casual arrangement I have no idea how many people i'm cooking for, DSS has a large appetite so not like I can just give him a bit of mine and a bit of DH's - he would need a big portion. It isn't always things that can be frozen either and I'm reluctant to keep making extra portions on the off chance DSS will want to eat.

He also has allergies (not life threatening, just makes him itchy) so when he does come here if i haven't cooked something he isn't allergic to I then have to cook a whole different meal for him

Sometimes hes already had food when he comes here and isn't hungry, other times hes had food and still wants more when he gets to us, other times he hasn't had anything and I won't know until the last minute - we have our evening meal around 8pm on the nights that DH gets home at a reasonable hour so if DSS eats at 5pm after school he will want another meal at 8pm or depending how big the meal was he might not want much just something small.

DSS cannot cook for himself and in any case our kitchen is really really tiny so 2 people in the kitchen cooking at the same time would not work so it's always left up to me to sort. If he is at his mums he just orders takeway.

Three nights ago he had told us the day before he was coming to us and would be having food with us - great - i can then plan.
So i cooked enough for all three of us, ensured it wasn't anything DSS was allergic to, then he rocked up as i was plating up and casually said oh yeah i'm not hungry I had KFC with my mates half an hour ago...

DH doesn't think its a big deal and just says its fine, ill just eat his portion but its really not the point IMO! I think it's really disrespectful towards me as I'm the one worrying about what to buy, what to cook, having something quick in the freezer that i can just throw in the oven if he turns up.
DH doesn't worry because he doesn't have to plan, cook, go shopping and thinks i'm massively over reacting about something so petty.

AIBU to insist either he eats with us or he eats at his mums and to let me know which one within plenty of time??
He's a very sensitive soul so bringing this up usually leads to floods of tears that its not his fault he was hungry so he already ate etc - of course i'm not saying he shouldn't eat if he's hungry but to at least let me know??

@Sceptre86

It isn't your fault that neither parent seems to be doing any parenting and you have fallen into the defectors parent role where you have responsibility for dss but can't discipline him as a parent would. Step parents really do get the short end of the straw in this respect. If he doesn't eat because he has already eaten freeze his portion. If he comes at dinner time and there isn't enough then your oh gives him his portion and makes himself something else or he says go help yourself to something else. At this point your dss will either do so or won't and that is for his dad to deal with not you. I know you mentioned having a tiny freezer, is there any scope to get a chest freezer and put elsewhere?

As for the Internet usage I took your posts to mean that your oh can't navigate the Internet not your dss as other posters think? Is that right? I can't imagine any 15 year old today not being able to access the Internet unless they have significant learning difficulties.

You seem not to be able to realise that your oh is leaving a lot of the parenting of his child down to you when it is his responsibility to do so. What if oh didn't finish work till 10pm and you have a gym class at 7pm and your dss turns up, do you just not go? It is your home as much as the dss's so some notice should be given. Even my own mum would ask me in advance if I was going to be home for dinner as if not she would make something I didn't like.

At 15 he does need to learn some life skills and it seems you have tried but he is not interested and in your role you can't put your foot down and insist. I would mention it to your oh and see whether he takes it on board. Otherwise maybe some actual stepparents would be able to give you advice, especially if they have been in a similar position. When the only person who gives a toss is a step parent it is rather sad.

I think this is a very good idea of Sceptre86's

"If he comes at dinner time and there isn't enough then your oh gives him his portion and makes himself something else or he says go help yourself to something else. At this point your dss will either do so or won't and that is for his dad to deal with not you."

This pushes the consequences of DSS's lackadaisicalness onto his father, not you. Your DH has abdicated his parental responsibility here. Right now, you're "the one worrying about what to buy, what to cook, having something quick in the freezer that i can just throw in the oven if he turns up." Well, I think you should abdicate from that. Decide on a date, inform your husband of it as the date from which you will cook for two unless given sufficient notice (24hrs+), and should DSS turn up without warning that feeding DSS will be his responsibility and not yours. And do it. Then let's see how long he holds to his line that he "doesn't think its a big deal and just says its fine".

"I do have one or two things he can eat if he does turn up unexpected but then i get the sad "oh i really like the look of what you and dad are having" and then i sound spiteful by saying tough, you should have let me know."
Perfect opportunity for DH to offer up his portion and make himself something else . And that's not spiteful in the least.

Basically, if you do what you've always done (act like a personal chef) you'll get what you've always got (disrespect from both of them). So change what you do.

And also -

Allergies - I'd be enquiring further.

Lifeskills - I'd be hammering it home to DH that he is FAILING as a parent if he does not ensure that his son can at least work an oven! And should, at 15, be able to do a lot, lot more!

@prettymushrooms

Yep - see the thing is i am MORE than happy to look after DSS that is totally not the issue, i knew he had a child when i met him and to be fair to DH he doesn't just "expect" me to look after him when hes working late, he will always ring me and say im stuck, could you please help me out and collect DSS, or could you please help me out could you put his uniform on to wash.

Half the time he will drop whatever he's doing and come back home to be there for DSS but there have been times he can't get back so I've more than happily been there for when DSS arrives.

It's literally just the flakiness of him turning up whenever he feels like it without notice and expecting to be fed.
As i already mentioned we have a tiny kitchen which equals tiny freezer so as much as I'd like to have a freezer full of pizzas and ready meals, it just isn't practical. I only have 2 freezer drawers which have to accommodate vegetables, meats, bread, a tub of icecream and one or two things for DSS that he isnt allergic to that can be cooked at short notice.

I think if DSS turned up and I told him to cook for himself i think he would have a full on meltdown...

Let him have a meltdown, it won't kill him.

Great Post @WhereYouLeftIt 👏

Keep a choice of two "cook from frozen" meals in the small freezer for DSS (I suppose it would be nice if one of them was something homemade, if you're feeling generous). If he turns up with no notice he can choose one of those two and heat it up himself, if he comments that what you and his dad are eating looks nice then the answer is, "Give us notice next time and we'll make more!" Or his dad can give him his, but you're not giving up yours - and he can't expect to take your dinner from you if he didn't let you know he was coming.

As a third choice you could offer him something else easy to prep that can be done from cupboard staples (eggs or beans or cheese on toast, if you have a sandwich toaster then anything in there like tuna, dried pasta and sauce, tinned soup), which he can cook himself because he is quite capable, we know you can do it darling, just read the instructions, you're a smart lad...

Obviously if he gives you notice he can eat what you're having and you can make sure it's something suitable for him.

As a side note I would be expecting a 15 year old step child/child of my own that didn't live with me full time to be cooking a MINIMUM of one meal a week for the whole family - spaghetti Bolognese or curry (with a jarred sauce would be fine) or jacket potatoes with toppings or similar. If he's already fifteen he needs to be able to do this well before he leaves home. Ask your husband at what age he will start teaching son to cook, and looked bemused if he doesn't give you any answer other than, "Good point, he should be able to cook simple meals by now."

Your not a personal chef, but this situation isn’t your DSS’s fault. He doesn’t seem to know if he is coming or going himself during the week. It might be useful to separate this into 2 different issues-

1. He has no routine. If his mum isn’t giving him notice, he won’t be able to give you notice.

1. Even if he had a routine, he wouldn’t be able to cook a meal for himself.

He needs emotional security. A family meal may mean more to him than he lets on.His situation at his mums doesn’t sound good, possibly the root of some of his behaviours.

There’s no solution really once you have a meal cooked, but an option could be for you to invite him over for dinner a few set days a week- so he knows you want him there and he can eat the same as you if he is expected. Provide a routine.

When he wants to stay over on other nights, an option could be that you suggest that he either sorts himself out with food before he comes over, have beans on toast, omelette or whatever at yours . (He could get a takeaway, put something in microwave at his mums, or pick up something frozen for your oven if he prefers! Let him take ownership and responsibility)

He also needs to learn to cook! A suggestion is for your DP to step in and step up and parent, as it doesn’t sound like his mum will.

If your new house is likely to be ready in the near future, you could sit down with your DP to discuss how he will teach his son to cook. Order Hello Fresh/ Gusto meals that come with instructions if necessary.

I prepared this then realised I hadn't sent it and meanwhile other people have twigged the same thing but I think what I have to stay still contains newish and useful thoughts;

DH doesn't know how to use the internet (yes i know you probably are thinking BS in this day in age but he doesn't even have a smart phone!) so anything he needs for school or a new phone charger or just anything he needs I am generally the one that will order it online for him.

Your H can't use the internet - I mean this gently is there a good reason why not? As in a learning difficulty, terrible dyslexia or something else? Because even my very technophobic parents in their 80s now have a tablet and can do their grocery order online. I don't know how an otherwise competent adult of child rearing age can survive in this world without being able to work the internet. Well I do, he has a nicey wifey who will take on the additional load not only of his stuff but of his son's too.

He REALLY needs to step up on that one. Frankly, his son can teach him. And a 15 year old boy not being able to do basic cooking is utterly pathetic (I'm not having a go at you, this is on his natural parents) and needs sorting ASAP. Teenagers come and go at all hours and If your DH is opting out of parenting him, you can be more direct - "Right DSS, come here and I'll show you how to turn the oven on and make yourself a pizza. No you don't go and chill out while I do it for you, I will give you all the help you need but it's high time you learnt how to do basic cooking for yourself." And if he cries then you say "Don't worry I'll give you a moment to compose yourself." And if he doesn't take an active part in cooking after all that then you do not cook his food for him, and nor do you give him money for a take away.

Regarding freezer space, it really is a helpful thing to have a bit more. Maybe you might have a bit of room for a small chest freezer in another room? Maybe even in DSS' room if it can be sold to him and his dad as helping give him more choice and independence - you his dad could take him shopping once a week for things he would like to put in there. Teaching a child how to cook is a basic part of bringing a child up, as is helping them to understand empathy and common courtesy of where they are going to end up each evening. That can surely be handled with lots of love and letting him feel truly wanted and welcome.

"But I want what you're having!"

"I'm so sorry darling but I didn't know you were coming when I was cooking. You can have the same as us any day that you let me know you're coming over before 3pm."

Yes my DH is the one that can't access the internet - he didn't grow up with the internet or computers and when everyone was into smart phones and internet he just wasn't. He doesn't even have an email address and refuses to let me set him up one for his business!

Is he 100? Even my 96 year old gran can use the internet, a smart phone and has email.
And I wouldn’t care, but you have repeatedly pointed out you are picking up the slack time and time again. You are not his maid or his PA ffs.

QUITE A FEW NEED TO RTFT or at the very least ops posts which can be filtered for.

Limited freezer space
"Allergies" to consider
Stepson complains if told to eat something different to op & his dad even though he didn't give sufficient notice

This conversation doesn't need to go through your partner.

I think in this case it does seeing as dss makes an unreasonable fuss whenever they're criticised, if for no other reason than I can well imagine op needs to cover their arse from exaggerated complaints from the dss

if he can't handle that then he's going to find life very very tough

Exactly - unfortunately this is how some children are being raised now and they do indeed find it tough when they hit the real world! Dd has told me of ex classmates of hers crying when in their first jobs they were asked to lift something or clean something - literally crying at being asked to do their job for which they are being paid, boys and girls.

Shameful their parents haven't prepared them.

I think in this case it would be really good if the dh took a week off in the summer hols at least to spend with his ds and use that time to get him started on some life skills. That's how it needs to be put across to dss too "every adult needs to be able to do these basics, I want you to be a confident, happy and capable adult"

That was the stance I took with dd when she moaned (which to be fair she didn't do that often, mainly when she'd been overdoing things a bit - self care/balancing needs for rest are also something fewer parents seem to be doing lately)

But I can see it will be a challenge initially as the lad hasn't been raised in such a way that it's a mainly gradual thing so he could feel overwhelmed at first, so dh needs to keep it upbeat, skip over any mistakes "I died everything pink the first time I did laundry too it happens" and introduce him to colour run remover, praise when he's doing well boost his confidence. "That meal was delicious I'd love to eat that again if you'll make it" etc (dd is under the impression she does an amazing chilli - it's passable but the main thing is she feels confident she has a "signature" dish)

Honest to goodness having been a youth/scout/guide leader I think it's a real shame such clubs are no longer popular because young people learn so much from being part of a team, learning a skill, applying those skills at camps, for badges etc

I must admit I once had a lass that had never SEEN a raw potato at the age of 14! Let alone peeled one. Back then (about 25 years ago) she was very much in the minority it's become increasingly common. She was supposed to peel and was too nervous to use a knife to do so, so we handed her a peeler which of course she'd also never seen/used before. By the end of the week she was our "champion peeler" and SO chuffed with herself at all she'd learned. Unfortunately I think the work was undone as her mum was horrified the children were expected to muck in - she thought we leaders were gonna do all the cooking, cleaning, setting tents up etc for the kids.

He is going to grow up to be one of those adults who can't actually function in the real world unless someone makes him do some stuff for himself.

Like his father from sounds of things

@Bryonyshcmyony we're not saying don't cater for him we're saying

1 he needs to have some consideration for ops side and give sufficient notice/cancel in enough time - not difficult given most 15 year olds are glued to their phones and a text takes seconds to send

2 he's perfectly old enough and capable enough at that age to knock himself up a simple meal if he CHOSE to not give op enough notice

@HerbivorousRex similar, went veggie at 16 still living at home, working shifts plus eve classes so cooked for myself from then, had been cooking/getting dinner started on a regular basis years before that, was working in a small cafe and so was also making the quicker options for customers - eggs every way, stuff on toast, all day brekkie...

Op has tried motivating/teaching dss to cook or even just turn on oven - dss is resisting this and op faces a potential tears/meltdown situation if she presses the point which I understand her wanting to avoid, in order to avoid being (mistakenly!) labelled the "wicked stepmother"

The responsibility for raising this boy to be a happy, confident and competent adult lies with his parents who appear to be passing the buck to op without allowing her the authority to address the issues necessary - op in a lose lose situation at this point

@BronwenFrideswide absolutely - there needs to be "be kind" towards the op too!

@C8H10N4O2 (not seen you for a while you been ok? Hope so)

I agree it's not actually kind to let a kid get to this age lacking confidence, feeling a burden wherever he is, not having basic life skills.

It's far better to start these things early with kids and let them start slow and simple and build both their skills and their confidence as they grow.

Dd started off turning the oven on, putting the oven chips and nuggets on the tray, emptying baked beans into the pan and occasionally stirring. She felt trusted and grown up this was at a fairly young age maybe 9/10 Ish? We did a fair bit over the summer before she started high school cooking wise which was partly as a confidence boost as she was dx with her disability then and that knocked her sideways so she needed a boost.

I also feel kinda sad for his parents missing out on the reward and pleasure of teaching their child these skills. I can't describe how proud I was the first time dd made a batch of fairy buns completely alone (kept an eye from a distance) and she was beaming! That's a lovely moment to share as parent and child, these are the moments that bond you.

I'm guessing from what you say of Dhs work he may be a tradesman - has he taught his ds any of those skills?

I have fond memories of dad teaching us to fix bike punctures, how to change a fuse in a plug, then later how to change oil in a car and how a car should work, identifying and fixing minor faults etc - big plus mechanics can't rip me off cos I known when they're talking shite!

@KikiniBamalam I'm not a step parent but my dd has one and I would be having words with her myself if she treated her stepmother the way this child is behaving in terms of saying you'll be home for dinner then eating elsewhere and not saying anything! I hope I've raised her to have better manners.

Her stepmum was the ow but that's the adults' issue not hers. She used to go stay with her dad and step mum regularly until she was about 11 (things disintegrated at this point due to my exes behaviour/decisions) she was always welcomed and treated well by her stepmum and on the odd occasion she misbehaved she'd end up told off by 3 of us!

I also soon after the split occasionally looked after my exes dc with his new wife as I was happy to do so and it meant dd got to spend some more time with her brothers. Same applied they were expected and raised to treat me with good manners and respect. Again on the odd occasion they played up all 3 parents spoke to them.

It's not "cold hearted" to not cook for a child of that age, perfectly capable of letting op know in enough time what they're doing for dinner so op can respond accordingly WITHOUT op having to cook twice!

@WorraLiberty well as we've seen often on mn and other sm "be kind" generally really means "be a handmaiden" it's been co-opted by misogynists - overt and internalised

Based on aforementioned experience with other people's teens I think it's fair to suspect that posters who think op should be running herself ragged for these TWO males have probably raised their own dc similarly - I've seen that a lot OR they're the type that expects others to see to their every need regardless of the needs of the people they are expecting this of

the relationship isn't going to last long

Sadly the relationships board doesn't bear this out does it? M
Somehow they find a girlfriend/wife who is mug enough to put up with such treatment

Yes. She's a parent to him.

No - she is an undermined step parent! It's a really tricky relationship to navigate even when things run relatively smoothly. The parents are the ones responsible for this child

Op is NOT cooking for a big family of teens and has a small kitchen and freezer - as do I, only one person can fit in my kitchen at once and even then it's like human jenga! Freezer space - only enough space for a fridge freezer, 2 drawers in freezer. That doesn't leave a lot of space for leftovers/batch cooking etc

If you have a large family then in all likelihood you have at least a normal size kitchen and a full size freezer - good for you, not everyone has the same available

he's apparently not interested in going to uni

Irrelevant - he's going to leave home at some point after he turns 18 and it's utterly embarrassing for the lad that neither of his parents have bothered even starting to prepare him!

his mother apparently had a test done although we've never actually seen the results

Yea I was already sceptical about the allergies

"What did your last servant die of?" is a phrase that springs to mind.

Haha - flashbacks to my childhood!

he didn't grow up with the internet or computers

Geez! How old is he?! My mum is mid 70's and she manages to order her groceries, spend a fortune on M&S online and games with the grandkids! Age is no excuse at all

I'm 48 I can well remember being in my 3rd admin role before the internet became a standard thing on the computers, we had to do without computers at all for a well while they updated them all.

Does he do social media? Gaming? (I'm betting yes!) in which case he can definitely learn to do online shopping too!

I take it you do all his business accounting and credit control too? Unpaid?

But he's not is he because his own mother can't be arsed leaving a meal or teaching him to make his own when she isn't home at night.
Just get a takeout? Hardly being a skivvy that is it
The op said the boys mother not being in at night is a whole other thread so she barely sounds like a doting mum

How do you know? How do we know she hasn’t tried to teach him? How do we know she’s not telling him to cook for himself and instead he thinks he’ll have OP cook for him? We don’t know the situation with his mum, but we do know the situation with his dad, who is teaching his son that women exist to skivvy for him and don’t deserve basic consideration.

@prettymushrooms

Back story I WFH i am the main cook and I do the shopping. DH self employed works very very long hours - sometimes depending on how big the job won't get home until 10pm.

There is no set arrangement when DSS will come to us, as he's old enough now to make his own arrangements he will just ring up last minute "Im on my way home" and that's the only notice we get. Sometimes if I'm lucky I'll get 24 hours notice. We can't refuse him because his mum sometimes doesn't come home at night, (don't ask - whole other thread needed for that!) so DH isn't happy with him being in the house on his own overnight as he gets scared very easily.

Because of this casual arrangement I have no idea how many people i'm cooking for, DSS has a large appetite so not like I can just give him a bit of mine and a bit of DH's - he would need a big portion. It isn't always things that can be frozen either and I'm reluctant to keep making extra portions on the off chance DSS will want to eat.

He also has allergies (not life threatening, just makes him itchy) so when he does come here if i haven't cooked something he isn't allergic to I then have to cook a whole different meal for him

Sometimes hes already had food when he comes here and isn't hungry, other times hes had food and still wants more when he gets to us, other times he hasn't had anything and I won't know until the last minute - we have our evening meal around 8pm on the nights that DH gets home at a reasonable hour so if DSS eats at 5pm after school he will want another meal at 8pm or depending how big the meal was he might not want much just something small.

DSS cannot cook for himself and in any case our kitchen is really really tiny so 2 people in the kitchen cooking at the same time would not work so it's always left up to me to sort. If he is at his mums he just orders takeway.

Three nights ago he had told us the day before he was coming to us and would be having food with us - great - i can then plan.
So i cooked enough for all three of us, ensured it wasn't anything DSS was allergic to, then he rocked up as i was plating up and casually said oh yeah i'm not hungry I had KFC with my mates half an hour ago...

DH doesn't think its a big deal and just says its fine, ill just eat his portion but its really not the point IMO! I think it's really disrespectful towards me as I'm the one worrying about what to buy, what to cook, having something quick in the freezer that i can just throw in the oven if he turns up.
DH doesn't worry because he doesn't have to plan, cook, go shopping and thinks i'm massively over reacting about something so petty.

AIBU to insist either he eats with us or he eats at his mums and to let me know which one within plenty of time??
He's a very sensitive soul so bringing this up usually leads to floods of tears that its not his fault he was hungry so he already ate etc - of course i'm not saying he shouldn't eat if he's hungry but to at least let me know??

If he's old enough to make his own arrangements about what he's doing, he's old enough to put a pizza in the oven. Fml.

So what’s the reason for the bursting into tears if he’s not got his own way? Does DH just go along with that?

This is ridiculous. Why would you even entertain this shit

He needs to learn to use the oven or learn to like sandwiches!

I think it's time to set some ground rules for him. I would set it up something like this:

1. He is very welcome to come over at any time, make it clear that you love to have him over.
2. If he wants you to include him in your dinner plans, he needs to tell you by 4pm.
3. If he asks for dinner and then changes his mind, let him know that you're not very pleased and save the portion for the next time he comes.

Then just stock up on some easy teenage-friendly things for him to make for himself. If you're low on freezer space then dried pasta, pesto, pasta sauce, pot noodles, microwave rice packets, tinned soup, beans, sandwich stuff etc. I don't think that it's your job but it will probably make it easier for you in the long run if you teach him how to cook some simple things. If he's not interested in preparing food for himself then he'll be hungry.

If your DH thinks that this isn't acceptable then he'll have to sort it out himself (cooking his son something, giving his meal to his son, whatever he thinks would be fair). You are being more than reasonable with this offer.

Oh, and if he says that he loves the look of yours just say "Oh great, we will have it next time you're over! Just text me by 4pm so I know to put in a portion for you." There's nothing spiteful about it - you can't cook for someone you don't know is coming.

Cook 3 portions? I don't get the problem here. What??? Every night? On the off chance he might turn up? Sod that for a game of soldiers.

And he's old enough and organised enough to order himself takeaway, go to KFC and get something with his mates, but not to operate the oven?

Good grief OP, set some boundaries and you or his dad teach him some life skills. Who is he going to cry to when h’s an adult and wants dinner.

New rules:

1. A full days notice if he wants in on dinner you make
2. He learns how to make basic meals. Yes, that means learning kitchen equipment and how to clean up.
3. What other life skills is he lacking… might as well tackle the laundry and basic cleaning while you are at it.
4. You need to stick to it… if shows up unannounced he makes a sandwich. If he flakes out and doesn’t show up for dinner, he gets that warmed up the next day or the next time he shows up unannounced.

None of these things is disciplining no matter how many crocodile tears her manages.

What a shower you have hooked up with OP.

Shite, lazy, negligent parents.
Tantruming step son if you ask for basic consideration.
SSon Refusing to feed himself or learn.
Husband refusing a smartphone
Husband refusing email.
Husband refusing the internet.
Husband refusal to understand your annoyance whilst doing NOTHING for his own child.
Stepsons mother leaving a 15 year old alone

EXACTLY what was the appeal of this set up where you are used as a prize mug?

Arranging to have someone cook you a meal and then not wanting it because you had something else with your mates is straightforwardly rude. Nothing to do with "being a teenager". However he doesn't know this because nobody had told him. His father needs to explain this to him. If his father doesn't know this himself, it also needs explaining to him.

My Ds is 19 and lives out at a local uni. He will often come home with little notice but I always insist he lets me know before dinner if he's eating with us. It's just common courtesy. If he doesn't and I haven't done enough for all of us, there's always bread, cheese, ham or a frozen pizza that he can make🤷🏼‍♀️ Your Dss is old enough to make a sandwich or stick a pizza in the oven...

@3Britnee

This is ridiculous. Why would you even entertain this shit

He needs to learn to use the oven or learn to like sandwiches!

This. I have not rtft. But Its not really your problem Op tbh, but you have let it be. His parents are shit. The Dss is old enough to give you notice, he doesnt- not your problem when he turns up. To be blunt- Get a back bone. Either stick some freezer meals away and leave instructions for oven or let him make sandwiches. Let DH deal with this solely.