to warn brothers fiance not to marry him

[Pennyplanes]

My brother is not really a nice man, he is arrogant, thinks he is better than most people, always bitchy and nasty about his own family. He has been with fiance (Sarah) approx 4/5 years she is in her 20s and seems such a lovely genuine girl, successful, kind and would do anything for anyone. She has had some really tragic things happen to her at a young age.

The poor girl doesn't have any family of her own, she is financially very stable and stands to inherit a multimillion pound business. Brother told me this, he is always talking about money and how much things cost. He is very money orientated. But he is a really smooth talker and can manipulate very easily.

Ive heard from Sarah's friends (but been sworn to secrecy) that brother talks to her like garbage, he uses the C word a lot and can be really nasty. He is controlling and has manipulated her into falling out with some of her closest friends. Now this i can totally believe because i know what sort of person he is. His father (we have different dads) was an extremely abusive man and he possesses so many of his traits already.

Their wedding is this year. Would I be unreasonable to send Sarah an anonymous message to encourage her to wait a while longer before marrying him. I feel that in a few years down the line he will show his true colours and she will regret marrying him. Shes only young in her 20s and is so swept up in the wedding planning at the moment that i think she is blinded by it. I worry that he may be marrying her for financial gain as he has been the one to put pressure on getting married sooner rather than later.

I love her to bits and she would make a great sister in law, shes great with my kids the family all get on with her but i dont want to see her get hurt. I know she can make her own mistakes but this is a really big one and would end in her losing out significantly in the financial aspect.

You need to do this face to face with her but only if you are absolutely certain of what you are suggesting he is like. You won’t forgive yourself if she ends up in a miserable marriage but be prepared for the backlash if he is a bad as you say. Good luck OP

You don't need to go full on over it. If you overwhelm her, she's likely to back off. I would however recommend she gets the world's best pre-nup agreement, to protect her assets.

Like PPs I am also wondering from whom she will be inheriting a multimillion pound business if she has no family?

Why do you think she is blinded by her future Husbands personality, and traits, do you not think that she knows him well by now after 4 or so years. I dare say that you could talk to her about your worries for her, but she may well think it's impertinent of you to do so..And as for anonymous letters, that is downright silly and so wrong.

You may well put yourself in a bad light,if you cause any upset at all.

@Mountaingoatling

You're no better than your brother in this suggestion! Deciding you know what is best for her, manipulating her, causing her the huge anxiety that comes with anonymous (aka threatening) notes.

How about you build a relationship with her like a normal human being???

If you can't see how deeply concerning the assumptions of you knowing best and your proposal to hurt and confuse her not to mention you discussing her with HER friends behind her back are also domineering and abusive then please leave her alone!

This

OP, mind your own business!

You need to talk to her face to face, an anonymous message might come across as a little obsessive or scary and be completely ignored. I think you need to do it, but do it in person.

tell her face to face what your brother has been saying about money etc.

give her recommendations for a good lawyer who can write a prenup for her.

keep in touch with her & be there to listen - she won't be able to dump your brother all at once, and he may be come more controlling or try to separate you from her.

Click bait

Wow, I’m amazed at the lack of “none of your business” comments that MN loves to spout out.

Ive heard from Sarah's friends (but been sworn to secrecy) that brother talks to her like garbage, he uses the C word a lot and can be really nasty. He is controlling and has manipulated her into falling out with some of her closest friends.

I don't understand the bit about "waiting for him to show his true colors." It doesn't sound like he's never hid them from her. If she's fine with him being controlling and verbally abusive, you telling her that he's mean and controlling isn't going to accomplish anything. She already knows it, and has decided for God only knows what reason that she wants to marry him anyway. And why on Earth were you talking to her friends about her relationship with your brother? I think you should stay out of it, but if you're not going to, then it's better to talk to her directly than talk to her friends behind her back.

He's already shown his true colors calling her a c**t and talking to her like garbage.

If she's stupid enough to marry him knowing that then I don't think anything will change her mind.

Why are her friends not telling her?
They are the ones who see his horrible treatment of her.

Tell them you care about her and will not feel loyalty to your brother.

Your relationship and views of your brother are not hers.

Hitler was undeniable a horrible, evil person to MILLIONS of people... he still had friends and family he was lovely too though.

Just because you dont think he good doesnt mean he no good for her and she knows more than you because its HER relationship.

I'd probably be really direct and ask her why she puts up with the abusive wanker when she's so much more than him.

This is a tough one. Your brother sounds scarily like my sister. Her husband is her enabler. He knows what she is like, but tells her she is right (to keep the peace), and this reinforces her belief that the world is against her, and that everyone else is wrong (despite her being the cause of every drama and despite many people having to resort to NC). Surely she knows what he is like after 5 years? Hope she's having a pre-nup, although I suspect not.

I wouldn't tell her. From experience, the chances are the girlfriend will stay with him and it will cause tensions between you her and your brother.
It's a tricky one, my brother currently is with his girlfriend and he cheats in her and is so shit to her but even when she found out he cheated she stayed. She puts up with him. You will just damage your own relationshio with him

She will learn for herself

Hmm 30 years ago SIL2 had lunch with me and suggested I should think twice about marrying her brother because he was an arrogant, opinionated, capitalist bastard and selfish to boot.

Well guess what, 30 years have passed, DH and I love each other very much and he is decent, loyal and moral and has been wonderful husband. We also have a marvellous life.

SIL2 is with a waste of space who smokes dope, neither of them work full time rather pursue their interests which are arty despite never having sold a piece of art. She is not above asking dh for a bail out which he usually provides.

I think you need to keep your beak out and let other people make their own decisions.

YABU to send anonymous messages. YWNBU to spend a bit of time getting to know her and raise your concerns directly. Ultimately it’s her decision though.

Tell her outright that from what he’s said to you, you know he’s only with her for financial gain.

Don’t pussy foot around it. I’d tell your brother to do one as well.

Keep out of it. It won’t put her off marrying him and will just make her feel worse when she discovers you were right all along.

M guessing that she’s got an inheritance that matures at a certain age. If your brother is only interested in her for her money, then tell her and give her a way of proving it. Get her to make him sign a prenup. If he flatly refuses and dumps her then there’s the proof. He doesn’t care about her, only her money and if the money isn’t there then he will dump her.

@RosesAndHellebores you cannot compare the 2 scenarios at all.

Talk to her. No anonymous messages.

Think of how disgracefully the former Mrs Johnson was treated by her now ex-husband. You would never wish that on anyone else, and this seems someone equally unsuitable to be a husband.

Money should not be the reason to try to get her to see sense, but being with a loving man.

Money might be held in trust for her until she reaches a certain age.

OP, I would ask her if she wants to go out for dinner, just the two of you. You could say you want her advice, or you could say you want to talk about the wedding. Then I would tell her everything.

This happened with a dear and former friend of DH's. His fiancee's brother (who was also a personal friend) took him aside and told him the truth about his sister. Not as nasty as your brother but still enough that most men would have run. It did absolutely no good and he married her anyway. She alienated him from his friends (except the one or two that kowtow to her) and now they only see people from her 'approved list' and her family. He's miserable and has admitted that what her brother said was 100% true, but he's still there. Being married apparently means that much to him, a miserable marriage being preferable to being alone.

It's likely that this former friend never told her what her brother said. But even if he had, her brother would have had no regrets about speaking his truth. So if you're going to do it, be brave and do it face to face. Anonymous note will be put down to spite and is easily ignored. But a face to face conversation, especially with a family member, will be harder to ignore. It may not change her mind, but at least she will go into it with her eyes somewhat open.