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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to warn brothers fiance not to marry him

101 replies

Pennyplanes · 23/06/2021 14:11

My brother is not really a nice man, he is arrogant, thinks he is better than most people, always bitchy and nasty about his own family. He has been with fiance (Sarah) approx 4/5 years she is in her 20s and seems such a lovely genuine girl, successful, kind and would do anything for anyone. She has had some really tragic things happen to her at a young age.

The poor girl doesn't have any family of her own, she is financially very stable and stands to inherit a multimillion pound business. Brother told me this, he is always talking about money and how much things cost. He is very money orientated. But he is a really smooth talker and can manipulate very easily.

Ive heard from Sarah's friends (but been sworn to secrecy) that brother talks to her like garbage, he uses the C word a lot and can be really nasty. He is controlling and has manipulated her into falling out with some of her closest friends. Now this i can totally believe because i know what sort of person he is. His father (we have different dads) was an extremely abusive man and he possesses so many of his traits already.

Their wedding is this year. Would I be unreasonable to send Sarah an anonymous message to encourage her to wait a while longer before marrying him. I feel that in a few years down the line he will show his true colours and she will regret marrying him. Shes only young in her 20s and is so swept up in the wedding planning at the moment that i think she is blinded by it. I worry that he may be marrying her for financial gain as he has been the one to put pressure on getting married sooner rather than later.

I love her to bits and she would make a great sister in law, shes great with my kids the family all get on with her but i dont want to see her get hurt. I know she can make her own mistakes but this is a really big one and would end in her losing out significantly in the financial aspect.

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 23/06/2021 14:31

doesn't have any family of her own, she is financially very stable and stands to inherit a multimillion pound business.

I'm curious, from whom is she inheriting this business?

LakieLady · 23/06/2021 14:32

Yes, definitely in person. She's heading for an abusive marriage and losing half her fortune if she goes ahead with this. She needs to hear it, but in person. No-one in their right mind would take ant notice of an anonymous message.

Her friends need to grow a pair too, and stop keeping this from her. Maybe you could collectively stage an intervention.

My ex was very keen to rush into marriage, and browbeat me into it. When I suggested waiting longer, he was upset, and angry, so I agreed.

He became abusive within a couple of years, but things were different then and I was told by a solicitor that it would be really hard to prove that our marriage had broken down when we were both living in the matrimonial home. I couldn't afford legal fees so would have had to represent myself. He refused to leave the matrimonial home, which I had owned for some years before we met, and I went through years of hell before I finally got shot of him, and had to give him almost £100k.

Please, do whatever you can to stop this woman going through similar.

LilTeapot · 23/06/2021 14:32

Why do you say he'll show his true colours n a few years? It sounds like he's showing them now, and she's accepted them. I'm sure her friends have tried to talk sense into her, but she won't listen to them. So she definitely won't listen to an anonymous note!

You could heavily suggest she has some therapy, though.

Viviennemary · 23/06/2021 14:34

I think it would be an appalling idea to send an anonymous note. Warn her openly if you must. But really, she is old enough to make her own decisions

DeathByWalkies · 23/06/2021 14:36

@MoisterThanAnOyster

How will she inherit when she doesn’t have family?
This

But if this is a real thread, tell her yourself - it will have an awful lot more impact coming from his sister than an anonymous note.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/06/2021 14:38

oop --

LonginesPrime · 23/06/2021 14:39

She obviously knows all the things you know, so it sounds like you would simply be offering your opinion on whether she should go through with it.

I agree with PPs about the weirdness of the anonymous message idea - if you're genuinely dong this out of concern for her, then why are you so worried about her finding out you're the one who's concerned?

If you do it anonymously, it's going to look like there's a huge big secret, when it doesn't sound like it is - it sounds like he's a bit of an arsehole and you're worried he will end up being a bigger arsehole.

She's a grown woman and she should definitely protect her financial position, but it really is up to her to make her own mistakes - if he's not keeping any secrets that you think she should be aware of before marrying him, then there's no need for some big reveal. Just offer your opinion (and be prepared for any fallout), or don't.

thereisonlyoneofme · 23/06/2021 14:39

If she has been with him for 4/5 years she must know what he's like
and has accepted it. Unless it is an abusive relationship and shes scared to leave

BumbleFlump · 23/06/2021 14:40

Yes please sit down and tell her, I think it would be better said face to face. Unfortunately she might not want to hear it until it’s too late

Geppili · 23/06/2021 14:42

Which relative is she inheriting from?

ClarisseMcClellan · 23/06/2021 14:46

This is such a minefield, I was once involved in something similar with a friend who married someone it was obvious to her group of friends was totally wrong for her. She married him, the friendships was soured and after not very long the marriage fell apart as we all knew it would.

There were no winners in the situation and no ideal answer. On balance I think maybe slightly better to voice your concerns that stay silent but it's by no means clear cut

bringincrazyback · 23/06/2021 14:46

I think tell her, but upfront, not anonymously.

As a pp has said, if there is abuse in the relationship, she may need someone to throw her a rope.

messybun101 · 23/06/2021 14:46

@MoisterThanAnOyster

How will she inherit when she doesn’t have family?
This
JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 23/06/2021 14:47

One of my ‘D’ Bs is abusive, always has been. I warned off a girlfriend who was lovely. I really liked her but I decided I’d rather never see her again then see her end up shackled to my brother. She listened. Thank goodness. He would have ruined her life.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 23/06/2021 14:48

I would tell her face to face so she can see you have her best interests at heart. If you tell her, at least you know you have done what you can and if she does marry the twat, let her know she can come to you any time.

Binglebong · 23/06/2021 14:49

She could have the business in trust or have a distant relation who she can't go to for support but who she will inherit from.

No need to think this is fake.

Maddox33 · 23/06/2021 14:50

Who is she inheriting this multi-million pound business from? You sure she's not just bullshitting your brother?

Beannag · 23/06/2021 14:50

@Mountaingoatling

You're no better than your brother in this suggestion! Deciding you know what is best for her, manipulating her, causing her the huge anxiety that comes with anonymous (aka threatening) notes.

How about you build a relationship with her like a normal human being???

If you can't see how deeply concerning the assumptions of you knowing best and your proposal to hurt and confuse her not to mention you discussing her with HER friends behind her back are also domineering and abusive then please leave her alone!

Yeah I agree with this.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/06/2021 14:51

It sounds as though you genuinely care for her OP and to this end would make the sort of sister-in-law I wish I had.

Given that background I know how tempting it must be to interfere. Don't. Nothing good is likely to come of it. Love is blind, and the woman has to make her own mistakes in life as we all do.

If events transpire as you think they're going to, she may need you in the future. Be there: that's all you can do.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/06/2021 14:55

Tell her. It might not make her change her mind, but it might get her to think. So many of us, me included, fall blindly in love in our twenties, and don't stop to just think or see the red flags. At least encourage her to ring fence her inheritance somehow.

Franklyfrost · 23/06/2021 14:55

I married a loser. A couple of friends warned me beforehand. It didn’t stop me but I’m still grateful they did.

StudentProblems · 23/06/2021 14:56

Agree with everyone else. I’d tell her face to face. My first ever boyfriend’s mum warned me off him, gently, kindly, and all for my benefit. I wish I had listened. She was right in the end.

Mrgrinch · 23/06/2021 15:01

I can't believe people are encouraging you, you need to keep out of it. It's always the messenger who gets shot in this type of situation.

Advise her to protect her assets and then leave them to it. She's a grown woman and can make her own choices, even if they're bad.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 23/06/2021 15:02

I would definitely speak to her, in person. I don’t think I’d try to warn her off though. I would express concern based on what you know of your DB that the marriage may be more challenging than most, and that you’re there for her as a sister if ever she needs to talk, or needs some space from him.

If you try to convince her not to marry him, she probably will anyway, but if/when things get bad she’ll probably be more hesitant to look to you for help out of embarrassment or out of a fear you’ll be thinking “I told you so”.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 23/06/2021 15:03

Why all the cloak and dagger stuff? Her friends have told you he's abusive but they've sworn you to secrecy about it? You want to tell her he's only marrying her for her money but you don't want her to know who is telling her?

It's all a bit bizzare.

But yes, if this thread is genuine, just tell her straight. Thats what an open and honest relationship is about, being open and honest with each other and that includes the relationship between you and your future SIL.

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