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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to warn brothers fiance not to marry him

101 replies

Pennyplanes · 23/06/2021 14:11

My brother is not really a nice man, he is arrogant, thinks he is better than most people, always bitchy and nasty about his own family. He has been with fiance (Sarah) approx 4/5 years she is in her 20s and seems such a lovely genuine girl, successful, kind and would do anything for anyone. She has had some really tragic things happen to her at a young age.

The poor girl doesn't have any family of her own, she is financially very stable and stands to inherit a multimillion pound business. Brother told me this, he is always talking about money and how much things cost. He is very money orientated. But he is a really smooth talker and can manipulate very easily.

Ive heard from Sarah's friends (but been sworn to secrecy) that brother talks to her like garbage, he uses the C word a lot and can be really nasty. He is controlling and has manipulated her into falling out with some of her closest friends. Now this i can totally believe because i know what sort of person he is. His father (we have different dads) was an extremely abusive man and he possesses so many of his traits already.

Their wedding is this year. Would I be unreasonable to send Sarah an anonymous message to encourage her to wait a while longer before marrying him. I feel that in a few years down the line he will show his true colours and she will regret marrying him. Shes only young in her 20s and is so swept up in the wedding planning at the moment that i think she is blinded by it. I worry that he may be marrying her for financial gain as he has been the one to put pressure on getting married sooner rather than later.

I love her to bits and she would make a great sister in law, shes great with my kids the family all get on with her but i dont want to see her get hurt. I know she can make her own mistakes but this is a really big one and would end in her losing out significantly in the financial aspect.

OP posts:
EwwSprouts · 23/06/2021 15:37

I wouldn't talk so much about his character as her getting a robust pre-nup.

FortniteBoysMum · 23/06/2021 15:38

At the very least suggest her future inheritance is ring-fence. Then see if his pushing the wedding.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2021 15:40

And I know I'm going to be crucified for this, but if I truly felt that his motive was money, I'd tell her parents to tie her inheritance up right and tight.

WhatMattersMost · 23/06/2021 15:40

Tell her outright, but I suspect that in her heart of hearts she knows this and will press ahead. After all, she hasn't left yet.

parsnipsnotsprouts · 23/06/2021 15:51

I wouldn’t tell her not to marry him. You risk alienating yourself from her. I would try to befriend her and encourage her to talk

pollypersephone · 23/06/2021 15:56

At least tell her she should get a prenup and protect her assets.

WhyMrsRobinson · 23/06/2021 15:57

Hello, just wondering if rather than point out his failings ( which might cause her to fall out with you - or she might not hear/ ‘get’ your concerns. Some people had concerns over my ex, but literally I didn’t understand them. Maybe you mention that it might be worth sorting out a pre nup/ speaking to an ifa pre marriage, just in case. A friend did this and we were all appalled, thinking it’s not romantic etc, but she needed to make sure that she would be safe just in case - and spare a lot of mess . And she did!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 23/06/2021 15:59

Oh golly. This is going to be another of those threads where the OP doesn't come back.... Hmm

sueelleker · 23/06/2021 16:08

His reaction to the suggestion of a pre-nup should tell her a lot.

sueelleker · 23/06/2021 16:10

@AcrossthePond55

And I know I'm going to be crucified for this, but if I truly felt that his motive was money, I'd tell her parents to tie her inheritance up right and tight.
OP's already said she doesn't have any family.
LateAtTate · 23/06/2021 16:12

Hard one - if she already knows what he’s like she’s not going to drop him.
However as pp mentioned you can try outing him by suggesting that she secure her money. Then see whether he’s still as keen to go ahead.

Juno231 · 23/06/2021 16:20

Why is everyone latching on to the inheritance bit? It could literally be from an uncle (ie not direct family) or more likely - a trust. If her family were wealthy then these things are set up properly.

Sicario · 23/06/2021 16:21

I wish someone had taken me aside and warned me that my Ex-H was a nasty piece of work. His whole family knew, of course, but nobody told me. He was charming, all the usual traits of a psychopath-in-hiding.

Tell her.

Bear in mind that she's probably been gaslighted and might be scared of him and his reactions. Offer her any help she might need to leave.

Good luck. It's the right thing to do.

Weddingwellwisher · 23/06/2021 16:23

I’m in a similar position, although it’s the son of a friend of mine and his really lovely girlfriend in my case.

There’s nothing I can do. She’s smitten and he’ll convince her I’m an interfering old witch. I’ll ruin my relationship with my best friend and it will be for nothing as they’ll get married anyway.

He’s exactly like his Dad (who cheated on my friend for 15 years before divorcing her and leaving her heartbroken) but with a mercenary streak and his gf comes from a wealthy family.

I have thought about contacting her parents anonymously and suggesting any money is left to her somehow in a safe way but I can’t see that working either.

Love is definitely blind and in this case really damn trusting.

MzHz · 23/06/2021 16:24

I think you won’t forgive yourself if you don’t say anything

So do it, talk to her face to face and tell her everything

Tell her that you know that she will probably go on and marry him but if that’s the case to make sure that she is protecting herself and her assets fully, and put them in the hands of people who will help her protect herself

Tell her you love her and want her in your life and you’re there for her whenever and wherever she needs it, because if she decides to stay with him, she will need all the help she can get

Tell her she has you and your family as family and not to be afraid.

Original poster
Pennyplanes · 23/06/2021 20:03

I have just got to reading all these replies. Thankyou everyone for your input.

Regarding the inheritance, it is a very successfully company that was her father's, i don't know the full story but she can't inherit the full lot until a certain age. It does all sound very legit and I dont think she is bulling about it.

The reason why I thought an anonymous message might be better simply because if i say something to her in person and it comes out all wrong I'm worried that she may take offense and then end up telling my brother which could then result in a big family fall out.

I may have phrased the original post wrong in that I wouldn't send her a 'warning' message, more of a paragraph about asking her if she is aware of financial side of marriage, asking her to consider how he speaks to her and think about whether she really wants this etc. I'm trying to encourage her to delay the wedding and wait a while longer rather than jumping into it right now.

OP posts:
Beannag · 23/06/2021 20:06

Why do you assume she doesn't know about the financial side of marriage though? Sounds very condescending.

Taoneusa · 23/06/2021 20:23

I wish someone had taken me aside and gently and clearly told me the truth about my ex husband. I would never have married him. Everyone knew he was a disaster, nobody said anything.

LonginesPrime · 23/06/2021 21:09

more of a paragraph about asking her if she is aware of financial side of marriage, asking her to consider how he speaks to her and think about whether she really wants this etc

That sounds really patronising, OP. She's an adult.

I'm sure she does consider how he speaks to her - she obviously knows much more about their relationship than you do, so pointing out the obvious isn't going to suddenly make her see the light.

Having been in an abusive marriage, I didn't listen to anyone going into it, and anyone who tried to warn me or protect me ended up being seen as a threat by 'D'H, thus resulting in the dissolution of those relationships.

I think you could do more good by being quietly supportive of her - especially because if they have DC in the future, those kids will need a protective auntie - and you can't perform that role if your brother cuts you off because he perceives you as a threat.

Youdoyoutoday · 23/06/2021 21:26

You need to speak to her face to face and be prepared for the fall out with your brother. Maybe try to organise a meet up with a friend of hers and her to discuss this.

PerciphonePuma · 23/06/2021 23:15

You need to be blunt with her! Tell her how he is only marrying her for her money. She needs to hear the coke hard truth, as hurtful as it may be :(

PerciphonePuma · 23/06/2021 23:15

COLD! ConfusedGrin

londonscalling · 23/06/2021 23:37

If nothing else, advise her to keep an eye on her money and look into prenup agreements!

Molly333 · 23/06/2021 23:41

YES YES YES I met and married a man like him . I had doubts and wish someone had written or spoken to me. It may have saved me and my children lots of pain . PLEASE do it . It doesn't have to be face to face

Newmum29 · 23/06/2021 23:51

I get you don’t want a fall out but it’s probably very obvious you don’t like him anyway based on what you’ve said here, he’s also probably arrogant enough to not be that bothered if you say something to her. Agree with pp they’ve been together 5 years, plenty of time to see what he’s “really” like and not exactly rushing into a marriage even if you think she’s young.

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