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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to warn brothers fiance not to marry him

101 replies

Pennyplanes · 23/06/2021 14:11

My brother is not really a nice man, he is arrogant, thinks he is better than most people, always bitchy and nasty about his own family. He has been with fiance (Sarah) approx 4/5 years she is in her 20s and seems such a lovely genuine girl, successful, kind and would do anything for anyone. She has had some really tragic things happen to her at a young age.

The poor girl doesn't have any family of her own, she is financially very stable and stands to inherit a multimillion pound business. Brother told me this, he is always talking about money and how much things cost. He is very money orientated. But he is a really smooth talker and can manipulate very easily.

Ive heard from Sarah's friends (but been sworn to secrecy) that brother talks to her like garbage, he uses the C word a lot and can be really nasty. He is controlling and has manipulated her into falling out with some of her closest friends. Now this i can totally believe because i know what sort of person he is. His father (we have different dads) was an extremely abusive man and he possesses so many of his traits already.

Their wedding is this year. Would I be unreasonable to send Sarah an anonymous message to encourage her to wait a while longer before marrying him. I feel that in a few years down the line he will show his true colours and she will regret marrying him. Shes only young in her 20s and is so swept up in the wedding planning at the moment that i think she is blinded by it. I worry that he may be marrying her for financial gain as he has been the one to put pressure on getting married sooner rather than later.

I love her to bits and she would make a great sister in law, shes great with my kids the family all get on with her but i dont want to see her get hurt. I know she can make her own mistakes but this is a really big one and would end in her losing out significantly in the financial aspect.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 23/06/2021 14:12

Why the secrecy? Tell her outright...

PurpleDaisies · 23/06/2021 14:13

You will get nowhere with an anonymous message.

RedLemon · 23/06/2021 14:14

Agreed. I would sit her down and talk through all of this. I think it’s the right call to tell her.

cookiecreampie · 23/06/2021 14:14

I wouldn't. I think it's something she has to work out for herself. As she's been with him 5 years, she'll have an idea of what he's like and your words would probably not have any effect if she's set on marrying him.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/06/2021 14:15

I'm sure she is aware she shouldn't be going ahead with the marriage.
I'd meet up for a pre-wedding.
She may not want to hear it.
Has her friends raised concerns with her?

Noshowlomo · 23/06/2021 14:15

I would…. He clearly wants her money and to be Mr Big.. give her a chance to get out whilst she can.

PurpleyBlue · 23/06/2021 14:15

I think unless you tell her in person she is unlikely to listen. An anonymous letter will just be dismissed as someone being jealous. If she does go ahead with the wedding then make sure she knows you are always there if she needs to talk.

Coronawireless · 23/06/2021 14:16

Tricky!

FindingMeno · 23/06/2021 14:16

Normally I think not to get involved, but in this instance I would talk to her. Not a blurting it all out talk though- I would test the water first with questions/ observations.

Totallyrandomname · 23/06/2021 14:16

Do it.
Do it as you though not anonymously.

If she has little family she might be scared of not only loosing your brother but other people she met through him like you.

At least you could help thing about ways to protect herself financially and make sure she has an exit if she wants to take it .

FinallyFluid · 23/06/2021 14:17

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Why the secrecy? Tell her outright...
This.
Mountaingoatling · 23/06/2021 14:17

You're no better than your brother in this suggestion! Deciding you know what is best for her, manipulating her, causing her the huge anxiety that comes with anonymous (aka threatening) notes.

How about you build a relationship with her like a normal human being???

If you can't see how deeply concerning the assumptions of you knowing best and your proposal to hurt and confuse her not to mention you discussing her with HER friends behind her back are also domineering and abusive then please leave her alone!

cindarellasbelly · 23/06/2021 14:18

I think you can't do it anonymously, but your weight as his sister may mean more than you think

Could you sit her down and say, I think you're amazing, I think you'd make an incredible sister-in-law, I'd love to welcome you to the family but I've already started to think of you like a sister and there are some things I think you should know and that I would tell you if I was your sister.

And then say: you've heard your brother say things about her money that make you uncomfortable, you know the history with his dad and see some of the same traits there. I wouldn't necessarily spin it as you think they should break up, I'd spin it as, you think they should take more time without being married so your brother can reflect on his behaviour. And that maybe they should sign a prenup to take the money off the table for the time being.

I actually think a 'warning' from his side of the family might hold a lot more weight, but it would need to be done honestly and with a way back - i.e. if you make it clear you're acting out of interest for her but don't want her telling your brother as it would ruin your relationship with him.

That being said, if you already have a bad relationship and he's badmouthed you to her she may well just ignore you anyway.

Ourlady · 23/06/2021 14:18

I would tell her face to face exactly what she is getting into. Tell her everything!

musthavebeenlove · 23/06/2021 14:18

I would sit her down and talk to her in person about your concerns, AS HIS SISTER.

I think that will impress her more then just an anonymous note that could have been sent by anyone. If he really is the smooth talker you say he is, he’ll just tell her it’s from a jealous ex gf.

PurpleDaisies · 23/06/2021 14:19

You're no better than your brother in this suggestion.

I don’t think that’s a fair comment. Confused

RubyGoat · 23/06/2021 14:20

I'd do it, not anonymously though. It will probably carry more weight coming from someone who should be on his side, as it were. The fact that you're not will say a lot.

TheQueef · 23/06/2021 14:20

Can you do it in person?
Anonymous won't be enough of he's as slick as.

PurpleMustang · 23/06/2021 14:23

You need to speak to her yourself. If she couldn't see what he is doing by talking to her, could you steer her in the right direction of some professional info of what he is doing to her. And then if all else fails suggest a prenup, she will soon see his true colours then when he freaks out that he won't get anything on divorce

VladmirsPoutine · 23/06/2021 14:24

Do it in person. It might mean your brother comes down on you like a ton of bricks but so be it. It might mean he manipulates his way out of it by saying you're jealous and winning her round. But if this all goes tits up she will remember your words. Sit her down and talk candidly. Then move on.

Mountaingoatling · 23/06/2021 14:25

Perhaps you're right. I just meant to draw attention of the OP that there are similarities in her thinking and her brother's alleged behaviours....and she might want to ensure that she works from a place of compassion not pity, honesty not deceit and respect not "advice".

30degreesandmeltinghere · 23/06/2021 14:27

Imo an anonymous note will see her rushing to marry him sooner - thinking another woman is after him and trying to scare her off!!. Be factual. Be honest. Or keep quiet.

PerditaCambellBlack · 23/06/2021 14:29

Tell her. Good luck.

MoisterThanAnOyster · 23/06/2021 14:29

How will she inherit when she doesn’t have family?

Calmdown14 · 23/06/2021 14:31

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Agree with the test the water suggestion.
Invite her out. Tell her how much you all like her and maybe mention one concern, something recent or related to general conversation, and a more vague, 'I know he can be difficult, we are here if you need us whatever happens' type thing.
You need to approach this gently, otherwise all that will happen is you will be cut out and she'll be even more isolated

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