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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult children

83 replies

Lappy41 · 23/06/2021 11:16

Me (41) gf(40) moved in together in Feb.

She has 3 kids, 11, 18, 20, and I have a 4 year old, we also have 3 dogs between us.

Now the issue I'm having is that the 18 and 20 year old do absolutely nothing about the house. They never walk the dogs, they never clear the yard of dog poop, they leave plates and things in there room, or on the side (we have a dishwasher!)

They leave empty food containers on the side instead of putting them in the bin.

The 18 year old will ring his mum from the house while we are out and ask things like...when u get back can you get a pizza from the freezer for me! (The freezer is in the garage about 10 steps from the door front door)

We asked them to do a rota of jobs
Fill and empty dishwasher
Clear doggy poop up
Walk the dogs

They both said they keep forgetting, so we drew up a fair rota, and they still do nothing.

This is not only causing tension between me and my partner, but also taking up the time we have together as we are doing these jobs.

The 18 year old is in college part time, the 20 year old has just started her first job, she pays us £60 a week board, and now thinks because she pays she doesn't have to do anything.

I'm getting to annoying with them both for being so lazy.

Any and all advice welcome.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 23/06/2021 11:20

Well I wouldn’t have combined households without finding out about how it would work with two adult children involved. As such, I can’t see any solution other than separating households again if it becomes untenable. As I suspect it won’t change unfortunately.

gurumaayashika · 23/06/2021 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2021 11:25

My advice is to move out and quickly. These issues with your partner's children are only going to get worse and cause massive resentment. It's a shame your partner didn't parent them more effectively, starting a long time ago, but that ship has sailed. I highly doubt they will start enforcing any rules now.

There is no way I could live like this.

IDontReadEyebrows · 23/06/2021 11:30

Is your gf on the same page as you? As she’s frustrated/pissed off or has she given up?

I’m sort of amused/baffled/ that the 20 year old thinks that £60 a week contribution gets her out of doing stuff round the house. I’m assuming that it’s been pointed out to her that you and her mother also financially contribute to the house and still have to do chores?

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/06/2021 11:30

Move out.

Regardless of (very common) young person laziness, never come between a mother and her kids. It never ends well.

DinosaurDiana · 23/06/2021 11:31

Personally I’d ask you to move out and let me Parent my kids as I see fit.
They sound like normal kids living at home to me.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 23/06/2021 11:37

4 adults and 3 dogs full time was never going yo be easy.

Original poster

Lappy41 · 23/06/2021 12:30

Ye, I totally agree, however is asking them to do 3 jobs a day between 2 people unreasonable?

dishwasher takes 5/10 mins
dog walk, 20mins
clear dog mess up, less than 5 mins.

If an 18 and 20 year old are unable to do this between them with a even split rota drawn up, what can they do.

what also really gets to me, is that I drop the 20 year old off at work in the morning, which means I have to go 10mins in the total opposite direction.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lappy41 · 23/06/2021 12:32

I'm beginning to see this, as she actually does everything for them, like they are incapable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lappy41 · 23/06/2021 12:34

@FrankButchersDickieBow

4 adults and 3 dogs full time was never going yo be easy.

Ye, I totally agree, however is asking them to do 3 jobs a day between 2 people unreasonable?

dishwasher takes 5/10 mins
dog walk, 20mins
clear dog mess up, less than 5 mins.

If an 18 and 20 year old are unable to do this between them with a even split rota drawn up, what can they do.

what also really gets to me, is that I drop the 20 year old off at work in the morning, which means I have to go 10mins in the total opposite direction

OP posts:

Zari29 · 23/06/2021 12:39

I would move out. Their mother has obviously raised them very badly, do you really want your 4yo learning this? She allows her children to get away with this so I wouldn't want to have my child growing up with that sort of parenting.

Merrz · 23/06/2021 12:47

Unfortunately i can't see this ending well, maybe better to go your separate ways now.
I think it's very unfair for PP to say the mother has raised the kids very badly, if she's been a single mother she's probably made her DC priority and it's very difficult not 'mother' them and do everything for them in that situation.

By saying it gets to you having to take 20 year old to work i think shows that you resent the kids and i guarantee that resentment is only going to get worse. In the end you'll get sick of the situation and move out and your partner will always take the kids side

MissyB1 · 23/06/2021 12:54

@DinosaurDiana

Personally I’d ask you to move out and let me Parent my kids as I see fit. They sound like normal kids living at home to me.

@DinosaurDiana I feel sorry for you if you think this is a normal way for adults to behave - by the way 18 & 20 year olds are adults.

OP did you know how lazy and entitled they were before you moved in? You must have had an inkling surely? To be honest I would be looking to move back out until these dirty lazy feckers have moved out themselves.

DinosaurDiana · 23/06/2021 12:59

MissyB1 Even when they’re adults they’re still your kids, and that’s what I was saying

Notaroadrunner · 23/06/2021 13:04

Stop giving a lift for starters. Let the adult find their own way to work. And as others have suggested, I'd probably move out too. It's a bad example to set your child and your will only end up resenting your partner for encouraging her kids to be lazy sods.

Original poster

Lappy41 · 23/06/2021 13:04

@Merrz

Unfortunately i can't see this ending well, maybe better to go your separate ways now. I think it's very unfair for PP to say the mother has raised the kids very badly, if she's been a single mother she's probably made her DC priority and it's very difficult not 'mother' them and do everything for them in that situation. By saying it gets to you having to take 20 year old to work i think shows that you resent the kids and i guarantee that resentment is only going to get worse. In the end you'll get sick of the situation and move out and your partner will always take the kids side

I dont mind taking her to work so much, its more like...im doing her a favor and in return she does nothing.

I was unable to drop her off the other day, and she was so moody about it, so she clearly feels entitled now.

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 23/06/2021 13:06

Move out. She has failed to raise her children to be competent adults and is enabling them to be lazy. She won't change. You can decide whether you want to put up with this and I most definitely wouldn't.

Staybutnotallowedtoplay · 23/06/2021 13:09

If you are dropping one of the children to work, that has to be contingent on them doing their chores surely?

Picking up dog shit is probably something a young adult will avoid, so a different chore to dog walking and bagging turds up might work better. Hoovering, cleaning bathroom, laundry, taking bins out might work better.

I have an aunt who has done everything for my cousins and they are in their mid twenties and literally can't do anything for themselves. The long term effect is it has knocked their confidence, so really your GF needs to see the big picture. Someone who can't look after themselves makes a bad partner eventually when they grow up.

DoingItMyself · 23/06/2021 13:11

Your dogs, your shit, mate.

Leave. It will be better all round.

Shapesorted · 23/06/2021 13:16

Whose are the dogs?

I don't disagree they should be doing a heck of a lot more around the home, but if they are your dogs (any of them) I would be miffed at having to take on that responsibility.

MinnieMountain · 23/06/2021 13:23

I can’t see how you can change things.

I lived in a blended household of 6 teenagers. Our respective parents made sure we had a rota and stuck to it. My step-mother had had years as a single parent before that. And all the teenagers had weekend jobs.

longtompot · 23/06/2021 13:32

I dont mind taking her to work so much, its more like...im doing her a favor and in return she does nothing.

I was unable to drop her off the other day, and she was so moody about it, so she clearly feels entitled now.

I would change this around. Give her a weeks notice and say from next Monday, or whenever you decide, I will give you a lift to work when you have done the jobs me & your mum have asked you to do.

Weenurse · 23/06/2021 13:33

Maybe get them to do different chores that frees up your time to walk the dogs ( and get some me time.)
Mine are responsible for dinner at least once a week, and cleaning the kitchen, dishwasher duty twice a week.
If dinner not cooked, people go hungry. Get them to pick a meal and shop for ingredients when weekly shop is done, so no excuses.
We called a family meeting and explained that we all work/study and all contribute to the mess, so we all need to contribute to the clean up and running of the house.
DH and I pay, but we expect help. We also divided house up into zones and allocated different people to clean different zones.
Worked for us.
Good luck

Meruem · 23/06/2021 13:34

Yeah I wouldn’t be cleaning poop up from someone else’s dogs. So it’s important who they belong to.

My DC aren’t incapable, but I like all the dishes stacked on the side and to load the dishwasher myself. If people put things in ad hoc, I end up taking half of it out to rearrange it all. So that’s on me. Yet someone coming round might think my DC couldn’t be bothered.

Honestly I don’t think it ever ends well, a man moving in with a woman with teens/older DC. There’s always issues like this. The man usually doesn’t like some aspect of the DC’s behaviour but for the mum the DC usually (rightly so) come before the man. Then you get arguments and resentment. Move out and consider living together in a few years maybe.

Original poster

Lappy41 · 23/06/2021 13:35

@Shapesorted

Whose are the dogs?

I don't disagree they should be doing a heck of a lot more around the home, but if they are your dogs (any of them) I would be miffed at having to take on that responsibility.

1 golden retriever is mine, the other 2 large dogs are the kids.

Im not saying that have to pick poo up, we have given them a choice of what jobs they want to do, we came up with the 3 shortest simplest jobs.

OP posts:

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