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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children

83 replies

Lappy41 · 23/06/2021 11:16

Me (41) gf(40) moved in together in Feb.

She has 3 kids, 11, 18, 20, and I have a 4 year old, we also have 3 dogs between us.

Now the issue I'm having is that the 18 and 20 year old do absolutely nothing about the house. They never walk the dogs, they never clear the yard of dog poop, they leave plates and things in there room, or on the side (we have a dishwasher!)

They leave empty food containers on the side instead of putting them in the bin.

The 18 year old will ring his mum from the house while we are out and ask things like...when u get back can you get a pizza from the freezer for me! (The freezer is in the garage about 10 steps from the door front door)

We asked them to do a rota of jobs
Fill and empty dishwasher
Clear doggy poop up
Walk the dogs

They both said they keep forgetting, so we drew up a fair rota, and they still do nothing.

This is not only causing tension between me and my partner, but also taking up the time we have together as we are doing these jobs.

The 18 year old is in college part time, the 20 year old has just started her first job, she pays us £60 a week board, and now thinks because she pays she doesn't have to do anything.

I'm getting to annoying with them both for being so lazy.

Any and all advice welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lappy41 · 24/06/2021 17:59

UPDATE: After further discussion with the gf and kids...the 18 year old opted to clean the dog mess as if the quickest job, and the 20 wanted to cook. At about midnight the kids got together and I overheard the 18 saying that he dislikes me and he's under the impression I tell there mum what to say and she does it. This is far from the truth and the mum agrees.../sigh

OP posts:
Ladylokidoki · 24/06/2021 18:10

The mum agrees you tell her what to do?

Look, this isn't working.

What I don't get is, how you didn't know any of this before.

I know someone like this. She even got her boyfriend to take her back to her own house because her sons (24 & 27) wanted drinks.....in their room and messaged her. Instead of telling them to piss off. She went home, got them drinks, took them to their rooms and then went home.

Her boyfriend puts up with a lot but refuses to live with her. Because of this.

But everybody, not just her partner, know what she is like. Everyone knows she lifts and lays them.

I don't get how you loved in with her, moved your kid in with her and did not know this. Or did know it and now decided its a problem.

drpet49 · 24/06/2021 19:46

* I would move out. Their mother has obviously raised them very badly, do you really want your 4yo learning this? She allows her children to get away with this so I wouldn't want to have my child growing up with that sort of parenting.*

^Please take this advice. Your child deserves so much better than this.

Use627 · 24/06/2021 20:12

Get used to it 😂😂😂 they are 100% normal for their age, and it's not your job to parent them sadly. You can only try steer your 4 year old to be more how you'd like but it's not easy

IDontReadEyebrows · 24/06/2021 20:44

I hope that they’re not normal @Use627 Confused I’ll be horrified if mine behave like that ever, let alone as adults.

I agree with others, move out for your own sake. If your gf wants to martyr herself to a couple of lazy arseholes that’s her problem but it doesn’t have to be yours.

saraclara · 25/06/2021 08:12

@Use627

Get used to it 😂😂😂 they are 100% normal for their age, and it's not your job to parent them sadly. You can only try steer your 4 year old to be more how you'd like but it's not easy
They're not remotely normal. Yes teens don't like doing jobs around the house, but they have to. But at18 and 20, my kids and their friends were doing their share without moaning, and certainly weren't phoning me/ their parents to do something that saved then walking ten paces.
Ladylokidoki · 25/06/2021 08:24

Its not remotely normal. I have a daughter of that age, not a chance would she even think of acting like this.

DomPom47 · 25/06/2021 09:12

Is the 18 year old going to uni soon or working? I really can’t see this situation improving especially if they think you are controlling their mum into what to say to you etc. I think your partner and her kids are getting more out of this union of two families that you are, not equal.

motogogo · 25/06/2021 09:18

My 22 year old is bone idle! She has sn but I'm not using that as an excuse. She does do chores but I have to tell her to do them at the time, a list doesn't work. I have her cooking twice a week, vacuuming the top floor, cleaning family bathroom (only she uses it mostly) her own laundry, empty dishwasher, rubbish etc but I have to nag.

Dp understands though and his daughter when she visits is worse if anything, I pick up litter off bedroom floor etc!

I'm thinking of hiring a cleaner though, so much less stress (can easily afford it)

Brefugee · 25/06/2021 09:33

It is not remotely normal to phone your mum to bring you a pizza from the same house. Nor to leave empty packets around and not put your things in the dishwasher.

Frankly? I'd move out - it's never going to work

Ponoka7 · 25/06/2021 09:44

" the other 2 large dogs are the kids."
Children never own dogs, the parent does. She parents in the way she chooses, that's not up to you, you don't get a say unless she is complaining to you.

Did you both want them to pitch in, or was she happy for them not to? If she agreed them she needs to take them aside and explain it's not you, it's because they are growing up. But you it might be either let it go, or move out. You could date for another two years, by then they should be more independent.

Ponoka7 · 25/06/2021 09:47

Just seen that she has an 11 year old. If she does the same with this one, then it might not work at all. Was she widowed? I over parented mine after my DH died. They put rubbish in the bin and did basic cooking though.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 25/06/2021 10:06

Honestly if you value the relationship you will move out and live separately at the very least until the older two are gone.
My teenaged sister moved in with me after I got married and all of a sudden I was the enemy. If I mentioned she'd put the milk in the pantry she'd hit the roof! And we had always been best friends, it was if all of a sudden I was in a "parent who is telling me what to do" role. Once she moved out she was lovely again. Seriously get out, it doesn't matter what is fair or not-teenagers don't care and they are her teenagers to deal with.

LizzieW1969 · 25/06/2021 10:26

Is the 18 year old going to uni soon or working? I really can’t see this situation improving especially if they think you are controlling their mum into what to say to you etc. I think your partner and her kids are getting more out of this union of two families that you are, not equal.

^I agree with this.

Judith0000 · 25/06/2021 10:35

This is not going to end well. Their mother has been a soft parent to them, and now you have come in and suddenly they are being asked to do stuff in the household.
Of course they're going to blame you!
They think their mother is a weak character, who wouldn't make them do stuff on her own, so it must be down to you.

This is insulting towards their mother as well as disrespectful to you and their mother.
Obviously, she would rather be disrespected and have her kids happy.

Nobody will win here.
If you stay, the resentment between you and her kids will get bigger and bigger and your frustration at your gf allowing this will get bigger and bigger.
It will destroy your relationship completely.

WildfirePonie · 25/06/2021 10:59

Save yourself a lot of stress and get your own place.

You can date and live apart.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 25/06/2021 11:06

@HollowTalk

Why did you move in, OP? Were the kids different then? I just wouldn't want to live with someone else's teenagers unless they were exceptionally nice.
I got married last year and have 2 teens. Dh and I have decided not to live together. One of the main reasons for me is that I do not want to blend my dc with my dh and these sort of issues, my dc my rules. I know without a doubt it would cause friction and I simply cannot live like that. Works brilliantly for all of us.
PurpleyBlue · 25/06/2021 11:10

@Lappy41

UPDATE: After further discussion with the gf and kids...the 18 year old opted to clean the dog mess as if the quickest job, and the 20 wanted to cook. At about midnight the kids got together and I overheard the 18 saying that he dislikes me and he's under the impression I tell there mum what to say and she does it. This is far from the truth and the mum agrees.../sigh
You need to move out. Wait until the kids have left home and see if you still want to live together then.
MoreAloneTime · 25/06/2021 11:23

You need to move out for some time and see if your DP is willing and able to change things with the older children. Then maybe, only maybe, you could move back in and make this work.

What you're doing now isn't working, you aren't their dad, they haven't grown up with you, it's a big adjustment. You know how they say you should try to avoid any major changes around the time of a baby sibling? This is similar, you moving in and then them being expected to suddenly start helping around the house was never going to go well was it?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 25/06/2021 11:26

The kids are going to dislike you because as far as they are concerned, you have moved in and now they have to change and do things they never had to do before. Your presence has shined a light on how much their mum is doing for them that maybe they ought to be doing for themselves. Your gf isn't helping if she privately agrees with you but is passive in communicating what she really wants to her children.

Maggiesfarm · 28/06/2021 00:20

You were bonkers moving in with a woman who has three 'big' kids and, frankly, nobody needs three dogs.

Much nicer for you and your four year old to have your own place. Imagine the peace and go for it.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 28/06/2021 00:36

Did you not ask if they did anything around the house before moving them all in?

DeflatedGinDrinker · 28/06/2021 00:37

Your partner obviously knew what her kids were like.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 28/06/2021 00:40

Ohhh you moved into their house with your dog? Don't tell her kids what to do OP they must feel put out enough.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2021 00:45

1 golden retriever is mine, the other 2 large dogs are the kids.
Well walking three large dogs between two people is surely a longer job than 20 minutes unless you have a huge garden. And are they dogs paid and cared for by the kids or their mom? I don't think they should be walking and poppa scooping your dog.

However this should have been sorted before you moved in. It's time to move out. Carry on dating and see where you are when the kids go