Adult children

[Lappy41]

Me (41) gf(40) moved in together in Feb.

She has 3 kids, 11, 18, 20, and I have a 4 year old, we also have 3 dogs between us.

Now the issue I'm having is that the 18 and 20 year old do absolutely nothing about the house. They never walk the dogs, they never clear the yard of dog poop, they leave plates and things in there room, or on the side (we have a dishwasher!)

They leave empty food containers on the side instead of putting them in the bin.

The 18 year old will ring his mum from the house while we are out and ask things like...when u get back can you get a pizza from the freezer for me! (The freezer is in the garage about 10 steps from the door front door)

We asked them to do a rota of jobs
Fill and empty dishwasher
Clear doggy poop up
Walk the dogs

They both said they keep forgetting, so we drew up a fair rota, and they still do nothing.

This is not only causing tension between me and my partner, but also taking up the time we have together as we are doing these jobs.

The 18 year old is in college part time, the 20 year old has just started her first job, she pays us £60 a week board, and now thinks because she pays she doesn't have to do anything.

I'm getting to annoying with them both for being so lazy.

Any and all advice welcome.

Why did you move in, OP? Were the kids different then? I just wouldn't want to live with someone else's teenagers unless they were exceptionally nice.

Unless the dogs belong to the kids themselves then you are being so unreasonable to ask them to pick up shit.

Well I'd be stopping the lifts to work for a start if I were you. It's not unreasonable for them to do what you're asking, and I speak as a mother/stepmum of adult kids.

I don't see this ending well if your partners view doesn't line up with your own.

Move out and save yourself from misery.

My dc have a week of emptying the dishwasher each. All load own dirty stuff.
Ddogs are usually walked by me and dh but sometimes the dc offer... Lifts are withdrawn for laziness induced mess . Same goes for phone top ups. Room a mess =don't expect...
End of the day though your gf's dc to parent /not parent.. Don't pick up any slack op.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable, but I don't think this is going to work out well for you so I think you should consider living apart at least until such time as it would just be you and your partner. A trial period would have been good but it doesn't sound like you had that. Would your partner be very upset at the suggestion of living apart? Or does she feel the same way about things?

I also don’t think a child that pays £60 a week should be expected to walk a dog and pick its poo, when the dog isn’t theirs.
Do their own laundry and clean up after themselves? Yes.

But the dog is theirs!

@Aprilx

Well I wouldn’t have combined households without finding out about how it would work with two adult children involved. As such, I can’t see any solution other than separating households again if it becomes untenable. As I suspect it won’t change unfortunately.

That.

You didn't have to set up house with this family, surely you spent time with them all before taking the plunge.

It isn't easy combining households. Maybe this was not the right move for you. However, if you decide to extricate yourself, please do it with consideration and dignity, so that you and your current partner can remain friends. Things will change in the future when your partner's 'grown up' children leave the nest.

Send them bus route links.
They can make cook their own meals.
Shove anything of theirs in their bedroom doorway if you are sick of tripping over stuff. In the doorway means they will trip also.
WiFi password? Change it.

I agree they should help around the house more. Apart from - no way should they be told to clean up your dogs feaces. If you get a dog, you are responsible for cleaning up it's excrement.
Other than that, yeh they should be doing their fair share of hoovering/washing up etc

Assuming you have moved into their home, i don't think you have the right to tell them what to do. Their mother needs to sort this out, if she won't you might need to reconsider the living arrangements.

The 18 year old will ring his mum from the house while we are out and ask things like...when u get back can you get a pizza from the freezer for me! (The freezer is in the garage about 10 steps from the door front door)

And your dp does it? If so have you asked her why? Because if she does, and see nothing wrong with it, I don't think you stand a chance.

@WellLarDeDar

I agree they should help around the house more. Apart from - no way should they be told to clean up your dogs feaces. If you get a dog, you are responsible for cleaning up it's excrement. Other than that, yeh they should be doing their fair share of hoovering/washing up etc

Two of the three dogs belong to the kids.

My kids do very little around the house and it infuriates me. We are working on this as they are growing up and I don’t want them to be completely incompetent when they go off to uni. From that perspective yanbu. You would also nbu to refuse the morning lifts.

But unfortunately they are not your kids and it isn’t your place to get involved. I wouldn’t take kindly to anyone else nagging my kids to do anything, particularly walking your dog. Walking theirs is reasonable, making them walk yours not so much. I have two dogs and they are difficult enough to manage on the lead, you couldn’t pay me to add another to the mix. Leave it to your dgf.

Are the dogs theirs or are they dogs that their mum bought for children? Unless they actually decided that they wanted dogs while they were old enough to take on that responsibility I really don't think picking up dog shit should be their job.

I think you need to make it more, them looking after themselves. Do their own washing and cleaning, if they want lifts they trade a job. But I think animal care is the responsibility of the people who bought them.

Is the 20 year old planning to move out at some point?

I think it's very difficult when you have raised kids and got into the habit of doing a lot for them when they were younger, to change that. Someone from outside the unit often sees with more clarity than the parent. I'd talk to your dp but also change the jobs - take back control of the dogs/mess and make the kids jobs more 'personal responsibility' centred. I agree that you can link favours to chores - you are right in that you shouldn't be going out of your way for people who won't consider you at all. But ultimately this is something their mum has to deal with, it won't go well if you've moved into their house and they perceive that you are changing all their norms

Two of the three dogs belong to the kids.

Very unlikely at 18 and 20. Unless they bought the dogs for themselves, and took on all the financial responsibility and hard work that entails. When a parent buys a dog for the kids, the ultimate responsibility rests with the parent and if they aren’t happy with that, they shouldn’t be getting it.

I live with two 21 year olds, one mine, one not. They do their share of the dishwasher, hoovering, bathroom and kitchen cleaning and they do their own cooking. Much as they love the dogs, they are not expected to walk them or pick up poo. So they pull their weight, but on the same things I’d expect any other lodger/ housesharer to. We tried a rota but it didn’t work as it was too prescriptive. Instead we sat down and everyone agreed to pitch in with the above jobs and do their fair share - and they do.

Oh and I do stuff like mow the lawn etc because I’d have to do that whether they lived with me or not.

The stuff I ask the young ones to do is stuff where them being here makes extra work, so dishwasher, cleaning etc. It’s about them living here not making a ton of extra chores for me and they can see the fairness in that.

When they moved in (they’d been at uni for 18 months then Covid happened) it did take a couple of months to settle so I’d be patient to an extent while you work it out between you all.

This is quite a common problem. The answer is usually for someone (either you or them) to move out.

Late teens to early 20s is quite a difficult age. They're nominally adults but of course no one transitions from being a child to an adult overnight and it sounds like their mum has done a poor job of encouraging them to become more independent and pull their weight around the house. Many parents get away with this if their children go away to university/college or move for work (the children get a short, sharp shock at having to fend for themselves but learn to cope and enjoy their independence pretty quickly). It's much more difficult, of course, if children are still living at home. Do you know what their long-term plans are?

No way would l be putting up with this. The expectations are what my parents had of me when l was about half their age. The lifts thing sums it up for me: you HAVE to do stuff for them and who cares if it inconveniences you. They clearly only want to be a family when it suits, when they have to do nothing

I thought it was just me with a freezer in the garage. Could you live apart but still see your GF, then the DD will have to get herself to work.

Get out now while you can
I have a 19 year old 16 year old and 11 year old
The oldest is away at uni so out of the equation for now,
16 year old walks the dog once a day 40 mins minimum washes up every evening and does his own room
The 11 year old hoovers mops and tidies her own room
If you do stay you need to speak to your partner as those adults are taking the piss

Move out.