AIBU to consider living directly next to STBXH?

[Twocrabs20]

Have NC’d.

So, I separated from STBXH in late 2019. We have 2 DDs, aged 2 and 4. It was a very unhappy marriage. Some emotional abuse. But largely it was born out of a struggle for me to be treated with equality and I was instead treated like a poorly regarded live in maid / servant; and from his view I believe he would say I was not deferential enough to him as ‘provider’ and as ‘head of household’. The latter being his words.

On a positive note, he is a kind, loving and gentle father to our DDs and since the separation he has been quite good with co-parenting and is making an effort to have a positive relationship with me. Trying not to escalate arguments etc. He hasn’t left me and DDs destitute, and in fact been very generous with financial support, and appears keen to make amends and to provide. A really significant supportive thing he has done since separation is he has moved from one part of the country to the other side, so we can raise our DDs in close proximity of my family where I also have more support.

He still hasn’t told anyone in his family or work that we have separated (they live abroad so easy enough for them not to find out, especially with Covid); which I suspect is born out of his culture and shame associated with divorce / separation, as well as concern for the emotional impact notice of our separation would have on his elderly parents. Whereas I have been open and sought support of all my family and friends re our separation. We haven’t divorced yet and all our finances are still tied together.

We are looking towards the future re co-parenting, and have given some thought about next steps.

So my question is - AIBU to consider living directly next to STBXH?

My reasons for considering this are our girls are so young, it would help our tag-teaming of their care, it would be good for the girls to see us working positively together. We both want to be involved in our DDs lives and be supportive as much as possible.

Has anyone else done this and it worked? Or failed? I’d be really interested to hear of your particular experiences? What happened if either of you started a new relationship? Is it ever ok to live that close to an Ex-H?

My neighbours have done this and it seems to work for them. They obviously have boundaries around their separate houses but their kids enjoy being able to run in and out of each parents house whenever.

Oh gosh. What if he turns nasty? If you have a date on his time with the girls would he use it to be vile to you? Would you feel upset if he had a date and brought them home?
I can see how it would be tempting, as it would be so easy for the children but it would also be confusing, living so close and yet apart.

It would be much better to be a street apart at least.

After suffering emotional abuse at his hands, I would be very wary of putting myself in a situation where he is able to observe your every move. He’ll always be watching for you to do something of which he disapproves, and that would be desperately problematic for you. God forbid you should see another man, or begin a relationship.

Close by could be helpful if you want to be able to co-parent well, but please make your future life easier by at least being out of view of his house.

He's emotionally abused you - you'd sign right back up for that to continue.

Watching your every move/visitor/etc; you are just opening yourself up for issues. In my experience the abuse will get worse as you gain independence.

My ex is 500m away - that is close enough with young DCs but I cannot wait for the day I can move.

You need to cut the cord here.

A girl I knew growing up had this - the parents had 4 children and when they split up they bought 2 adjoining semidetatched houses. All 4 kids had their own bedrooms, could go back and forth and see both parents easily, and it was generally a very adult and child-focused way to do things.

BUT.

In your case, I'd be concerned that your ex would still try and exert control over you/try and use you as a maid etc. Do you think he's capable of not expecting you to drop everything and go and help him out whenever he wants?

Absolutely do not do it. He would know all of your comings and going’s and hear everything.

Live close to each other side, but not next door. Absolutely barmy idea.

He might be nice now, but that is no guarantee for the future. You need to think ahead now, not just the right now.

It could be fantastic, it could be a complete nightmare, Id say next door is too close, if you want to have seperate lives.

@AdjustableAssholeSettings

I wouldn’t feel upset if he had a date, and started a new relationship. I think it would be very hard for us both to adjust to that new reality, but I like to think we would be able to be mature about it. If i am minded to pursue living next to each other I would definitely discuss with him his thoughts on this eventuality. To date, jealousy has never featured in our past relationship.

What happens when you or he start dating?

If someone had previously been a free servant for me I’d want to live next door to them too.

I briefly dated a guy who did this with his ex-wife and it seemed to work really well for them and their boys - they had the same trip to school whether with their mum or dad, never had to worry about leaving stuff behind, didn’t have to miss out on local clubs etc. Though they lived two streets apart rather than next door, and had deliberately chosen that so as to give each other independence and privacy. Even without the emotional abuse, I think living on the same street or next door is a bit stifling when you’re both trying to forge ahead as individuals and build new lives.

I think this is an absolutely terrible idea given his nature and previous emotional abuse, there will likely be fall outs down the road and you will want some distance from him. And yes, it will likely get far worse when either of you gets a new partner, in fact to put it bluntly I'd say it's unlikely you'd get a new partner, living next door to your emotionally abusive ex. Living in the same town is a good idea but I really, really would not recommend living next door to him. It will cause all kinds of issues and isn't necessary.

He's emotionally abused you - you'd sign right back up for that to continue.

This.

I think it can work in an amicable split but not in your case.

No, I wouldn’t do it. He has already shown his colours, that’s why you split. He will know everything you do, hear everything, it’s not the problem him starting a relationship, it’s if you start ine that issues may happen

I would want to live in different streets, and start separate lives, not be intertwined. The kids can still go to each house

Cross posted with you. When his family find out and come to visit, are they likely to turn on you?

Honestly I wouldn’t.

I love having peace in my own house without my ex seeing and knowing everything that’s going on in my life. Imagine you get a partner and have a row!!

@therocinante

I'd be concerned that your ex would still try and exert control over you/try and use you as a maid etc. Do you think he's capable of not expecting you to drop everything and go and help him out whenever he wants?

Since separation I have totally emotionally withdrawn and do nothing to help him re the drudge work of living etc. frankly I have my hands full with raising 2 young DDs with such high care needs given their relative ages.

We have a better co-parenting arrangement / relationship now re he knows he can’t just dump on me all the house stuff like he used to, and knows I will only do support re the girls care. My sense is he knows now I won’t pick up anymore the day to day living stuff, and he doesn’t ask for it. My sense is this wouldn’t change if we lived next to each other as he knows I have firmly drawn a line in the sand here.

OP,

You are obviously a forgiving person but the reality is he emotionally abused you and caused you to leave the marriage.

Thats a really big thing.

He has NOW done an about turn and is being reasonable.

I think the truth is that ...

A. He didn't actually believe you would leave.

B. He is mortified.

C. He desperately doesn't want his family to know.

D. He thinks that if he suddenly behaves with decency that he can live near you and maintain a facade of the marriage continuing.

I don't think he has changed for YOU at all.

I think he has adapted his behaviour out of mortification that the marriage has broken up and his desperation that his family remain ignorant.

You ended your marriage despite having two small children so things must have been bad.

Well done for that.

You need to be able to move forward.

Having a man who treated you so badly on your door step is a REALLY bad idea.

You are thinking short term help.

You need to think beyond that.

This man has shown you who he is, don't be fooled by his road to Damascus change.

He drove you away.

Now keep your distance.

That is in the best interests of your children.

He will take the piss. He will. It’s his character. If you’re not yet divorced, it can’t have been long.

It’ll be so much harder to keep your line in the sand if he’s next door.

And no way on gods green earth would I want to be sitting outside with a partner chatting in the garden with the ex listening to every bloody word.

No, houses out of sight of each other to maintain a bit of privacy. And avoid Eg living at opposite ends of a cul de sac, where one partner has to drive past the other's house every time they go out. It's not healthy, it would be like rubbernecking on the motorway. No one means to snoop but you can't help it.

One of the 'best' arrangements I knew of was when the parents lived close to each other, so the DC when older could free range between the houses.

The spouse I knew better told me it had taken a hell of a lot of work to get it to that stage.

Right next door would be too close - you'd see so much if each other's lives, which you might think doesn't matter now but it may well do so as you move on to your new futures (and potential new partners)

If it weren't for a history of abuse I would say go for it. The abuse changes the lens that this is viewed through.

This will be the biggest mistake of your life if you do this.

You will regret it. Maybe not right away but you will.

You need independence and your own space to live well for your children. Don’t keep giving into him!

I think you are being a bit naive in your update OP. It is incredibly common for seperated parents to take the piss and also to become significantly more volatile when their ex gets a new partner, and that is where neither of them were abusive or showed those behaviours prior to the split. You do not want him seeing what you do day to day.

Consider these scenarios:

• How would he react if you had a date?
• Your future partner will probably be put off by living next door to your ex.
• your exs potential new partner might be put off by living next to you & start harassing you.
• He wants to get back with you.
• He uses the kids as a tool to taunt you.
• He becomes more abusive etc.
• He sees you as an informal partner as you live next door.

There is no reason why you can't co-parent while living 20 mins away in the opposite direction. You don't know how your ex will behave in the future so go for a clean break.

You need to instill firm boundaries yourself so your children can learn for the future. You're not modelling positive relationship here for your daughters by moving next door to an abusive ex.

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